He says he loves me...actions speak louder then words..right?

[luvmykids]

hi anna,

I just wanted to let ya know that i called him this morning.

I wanted say that we were bound to run into each other sooner or later and i didnt want any hard feeling or tension.

when he answered the phone i was surprised..i was just going to leave a message. mind you that when we broke up we had a huge fight and it was left at me saying..i was done. we never talked about anything. i like to go separate ways on a good note..being able to get all the anger out on this site has helped...

anyway, when he answered he just started talking about his day and what he had planned...like nothing ever happened...i think he knew that i was after some closure so he kept rambling...I told him the reason i was calling was because i didnt want to run into him and have tension or hard feelings and his whole tone changed..he said no, there wont be and then said he had to go...i told him to take care and that was that. he seemed nervous. i could hear it in his voice.

I feel better... i was feeling kind of guilty so i called to clear the air. dont know why i was feeling guilty..kind of racking the brain on that one!

i would like to be friends with him as we were friends for years before dating.

 

I have been thinking really hard about the things I did wrong too. I wasnt all him. one thing comes to mind and its kind of hard to admit but, here it goes....I have serious trust issuses..my ex husband cheated on me.

sorry rambling here.

 

how are you?

[luvmykids]

he would always tell me to relax and trust him....maybe deep down i didnt? I wanted too but when he would say the things he did and then act the way he did it would just bring up old feelings.

as i type i am finding reason/ excuses for his behavoir........some of it was my fault but the big picture is what i need to focus on. he always told me not to look at the big picture..to look at the little things he did to show me he loved me...well i can honestly say that the little things were things that people do in a normal, healthy relationship and he wanted a big pat on the back..

i dont want to sound ungreatfull ..but come on.

[luvmykids]

okay,fine, i admit it...im sappy today!

[annalise23]

Hey Luv

 

OK you cleared the air but be careful that you dont go back to him becasue it is th easiest option than facing the pain of the break up. Remember all you posted. Re read it. I did and it helped. Go to link removed and the section on identifying losers in the relationship. Thankfully someone showed me this and wow! It does help!

 

Keep strong. Im doing ok. I think im getting sick of feeling tired and upset and angry. Im starting to not think about it all now.

 

Al i know is i am doing the right thing and i will come out the other side happier. No matter what his past is or whatever, I didnt deserve the way i was treated. I couldnt talk to him. He would get so defensive. This wouldnt change. He can try and promise, but he has done before. Its always twisted onto me and im made to feel guilty.

Not any more.

 

 

Stay strong!!

[annalise23]

NOOOOOO you are having a moment of weakness and it is to be expected. It happens and post on here so we can tell you to stay strong and remember all the stuff he has done.

Sure he will have done nice things to show he loved you. You wouldnt have stuck around for as long. But what about the times he has shown you he doesnt!! Re read what you put, if your child came home and told you about this guy, what would you say? Sure keep dating him or run run run?!

 

You are not the only one who feels the sappy way! I do. But you have to get up, keep telling yourself its for the best. It wont change, your relationship is so used to it now, the fighting, everything. It will be bliss for a week or so and mark my words it will slowly go back to the way it was.

 

And it will just keep getting harder and harder.

[annalise23]

If you dont trust him then thats a big problem. I didnt trust mine after the lies and often it would tear me apart with worry. WHats the point?! He didnt even care he had made me feel that way.

 

You can do better!

 

everyone has nice sides and does nice things. but if the bad outweighs the good. Time to go.

[luvmykids]

thanks anna,

im having a tough day. I know it gets better with time.

Back in january when i didnt talk to him for almost 3 wks, i really thought i was done..but i went back. i know he wont change. my biggest problem with the situaion was that if he wanted to see me he would do just about anything to make it happen, but if it was his time i was reqesting..it was a different story. I tried to not see what was really going on....thats what makes me so sick to this day!! i just feel so used! and that hurts!

[luvmykids]

i just read an article on passive aggressive men....sooooo many things fit him!

and me being the person i am..i started to feel bad for him because he prob'ly doesnt even know hes doing the things he is.....like that firday night that he totally ignored me...one phone converstion he said that he thought it was funny that i got so angry.....then the next minute he was admitting he was wrong and he was sooo sorry. I dont get it..its like he had to hurt my feelings all over again before he could admit he was a louse!

[annalise23]

Hey luv

 

how you doing?

Its understandable that you feel bad for him, but unfortunately it is not your fault he is that way. Why should you suffer as a consequence?

You feel bad because you miss him, you care about him. But what about yourself? Because you are over the anger you feel towards him and missing him, you are forgetting all the bad things and making excuses for behavior.

 

Stay strong! If you want to work it out with him, then you must make sure that you go in with eyes wide open. Expect that this will happen again, it will fall into the same routine over and over, as much as you tell yourself this time will be different!

It will be a rollercoaster but it is ultimately your decision.

I hope you make the right choice hun!!

 

Kep me posted

 

I am doing well had a nice evening. I think im tired of thinking which is why im

[luvmykids]

Hi anna,

thanks for the pep talk........i miss him and am really struggling with not calling him. I know i will get through this. its just hard. im sick of thinking of him and im sick of feeling this way! i feel like ive failed. sometimes i feel like there is nobody out there for me....i know what i did wrong in this situation..ive had lots of time to think about it......i was afraid of him leaving me and i in turn, lost myself! guess im not ready to be in a relationship..maybe the heartache that my divorce caused has not completely healed? who knows...all i know is that really miss him and its killing me not to talk to him....i have that "one last chance" feeling and it needs to go away!

[annalise23]

Hi Luv

 

I miss him too. But I think I miss having someone there in my life.

You have to do whats right for you.

But be aware that your brain is making you doubt yourself, I keep doing it too. I blame myself, I think 'if only i hadnt said that'

But its normal to have the 'one last chance' I constantly think that!

But its becasue you are in pain.

[annalise23]

You are trying to make excuses and find reasons to go back. Its understandable. But just remember nothing will change. He is 46? I think i read? He is set in his ways. Soif you can handle more of the same, then give it a go. But be prepared for a rocky ride.

[luvmykids]

I hear what your saying..

Yes he is set in his ways..and im a bit stubborn.

I want to call and see if he wants to talk but i know the answer....Its the middle of the day and to be honest with you...the only time we ever talked about feelings or our relationship is when he was drinking.....

I used to give the excuse for him only opening up when he was drinking was because he was too scared otherwise....but ive seen the pattern..he drinks and then tells me all this crap and then if its brought up on a sober note then he gets defensive or doesnt want to talk.....dont get me wrong..we have talked about us when hes been sober. Like when he brought up us moving in together..we talked for hours about it ( he was drinking) and 2 days later when i asked him if he was serious (when he was sober) he said we need to sit down and talk about it when we are not drinking...i said i needed to know if thats what he wants to do because i had to get things organized and he said he didnt know because things were rocky lately and i said..see I knew it was the alcohol talking..he said it wasnt but then he started with the normal pulling away behavior...i makes me sick to think about it now....just sick!

[annalise23]

So how do you feel. Do you want to make it work and give it another go?

Or are you happy to continue the break up and you are just feeling sad and missing him? i have been talking to a wonderdul girl on here who has really helped me. He wont change.

[luvmykids]

i think im just missing him..i know he wont change

ive gone back so many timesa nd its fine for like two weeks then he starts pulling away again...i cant trust a word he says when hes drinking.

 

I went out with friends last night to a b-day party..had a good time but toward to end of the night..seeing all the couple together..it started to hurt...i went home. i miss him terrible!

[annalise23]

Oh big hug!!

 

You will miss him. Its awful. Feels like a knife in your chest.

All I can say is I know how you feel. Im experiencing it. And its 1000000 times harder when he is doing/saying all these things. 'One more chance' is all i keep thinking. But then the last 5 days were for nothing. And I will go through it again once we are back into routine and he knows he has me back.

 

We must sound like right men bashers or something! But its good to get out your feelings.

 

Try and keep busy and occupied. I am now. Its the only way I will stay sane!

[luvmykids]

i know we must sound that way but i would be calling him telling him all this stuff if i didnt have you to talk to...THANKS!

i have to go for a bit...my family is having a get together.

i will check in later.....take care!

[annalise23]

Have a nice day luv, keeping busy and being around family helps!

 

you will be ok, we both will.

 

Talk to you later luv

[annalise23]

Gosh I am experiencing the miss him stage

 

what happened to imthatgirl??

[ImThatGirl]

Dare I admit.........? I don't think so. I'm here for you two. I hope you continue to be strong and focused on what is best for you! I'm proud of you both for making it through the weekend!

[annalise23]

Hey imthatgirl!

 

How are you doing? Are you trying to work things out?

Good to see you back here

[ghost69]

this thread is crazy long. i think we concluded the guy is scum.

[annalise23]

But where have luv and imthat gone? Not back I hope?!

[ImThatGirl]

Anna, How are you doing??

 

Ghost! LOL - Just what girls need to do to get it off their chests!

[annalise23]

Hey!

 

Im doing ok, taking it slow. No more contact anyway I pretty much said leave me alone for at least a week as it was draining me to hear his declarations of love! At least in a week I will be stronger, more able to cope better with what he is saying. But ultimately not going back. Just giving myself time to breathe!

 

Whats been going on with you?!