Rebound Relationships

[macgyver4ever]

My break up was messy. If you don't know it I will recap it quickly. It was a 4 year relationship. Last April she kissed my roommate a few weeks before I was planning to propose. We were working things out and right as things were getting better she met a guy at work and broke up with me. We got back together a week later but she never stopped seeing him like she said she would. She had an emotional affair with this guy for 4 months before I ended it with her in December because I found out, and she wanted freedom. We tried to work things out, but nothing worked, and she would not stop seeing him.

I have been on NC for 13 days now, and am doing well. I only want to talk to her to yell at her. I don't miss her because she treated me so poorly.

 

 

Anyway, since breaking up with my ex, I have gone out with a few girls. I have gone out with one girl 2 times, and am really starting to like her. I am very worried about this being a rebound relationship, but we have a TON in common and I enjoy spending time with her. I can do things with her I could never do with my ex, and feel like a whole new world has opened up to me.

 

What can I do to prevent this from turning into a rebound? I don't want to hurt her, and I can't get heartbroken again this soon. I'm doing my best to take it very slow, and trying not to call her too often. We have already planed a third date, and I know we both see this turning into something.

 

Any advice or examples on rebound relationships would help me.

 

Thanks!!!

[lady00]

Be honest with her. Let her know that while you like her a lot, you've just come out of a long relationship. If she's as cool as she sounds from your description, she will be willing to take things slowly. I think the key is to be open and honest at every stage. It's great that you're dating someone new that you like but for her sake and for yours, take things very slowly. Good luck !

[finewhine]

It seems like there's no rhyme or reason to the rebound. My ex launched into one a week after the end of our three and a half year relationship and he's still in it. I embarked upon one three months after and it ended very amicably.

 

I would say my ex's rebound was successful because he managed to seamlessly parlay all the sucky characteristics he exhibited in our relationship into a new relationship that began before the ashes of ours cooled. And look, they're miraculously happy and contented and together nine months after the fact, traipsing about Chicago (yeah, I live here too, MacG) and will probably get married and have expensively educated children. I doubt my ex disclosed anything at all about our relationship to his girlfriend because if she knew how he acted, she would run screaming into the street. Lesson? You can be a douchebag and still enter into a successful rebound.

 

I started dating (well, hooking up with/going out to dinner with) a guy three months after the big relationship ended. He broke it off, but since I was an emotional husk at the time, it didn't even hurt. However, dating this guy was a grand experience because I got to have a lot of sex with someone who wasn't my ex and get taken out to dinner a bunch. We're still great buddies with zero in the hard feelings department. It helped immensely in my healing process and my friend got some action, so good times all around. Lesson: you can enter into a casual rebound and come out a winner.

 

So yeah, no rhyme or reason. And no, I'm not nearly as bitter as I sound.

[friscodj]

What can I do to prevent this from turning into a rebound?

 

That's a tall order my friend, especially given the circumstances and the relatively short time that has passed since all this happened with your ex.

 

First of all, I think you need to completely finish up any and all business you have with your ex. If you really feel the need to tell her some things in whatever way you need to, I suggest you do it. The sooner you throw down the silly notions of socially accepted post-break up graces, when you quit doing the post-break up dance in your head around the situation with her and let everything go, the better off your chances will be with your new lady.

 

You've got to cleanse yourself, cleanse your heart and soul of the situation with your ex. Really get in there and scrub the wounds so they heal faster and more completely. Suffer and express openly now so later on when you and your new lady are hopefully getting closer together, any harbored feelings won't pose as much of a problem.

 

Easier said than done in theory I know...

 

Additionally, realize, accept, and embrace you will think about your ex, you will remember things, you will doubt your new relationship based on these things. This is normal and it will happen the deeper you go with this new lady as the past is outprocessing. There will be some overlap there as the past exits and the future enters that won't feel very comfortable or easy to understand for you. Expect to be confused, expect to be scared a bit, expect some fluctuating feelings.

 

Whenever you catch your mind wandering towards your ex though, I don't think you should refocus to your new relationship. I think you should refocus onto yourself, your own life, independent of relationships altogether. Focus on a project at work or something like this. Why?

 

Because the essense of a rebound is replacing your ex with someone and something else, i.e., a relationship, albeit better in many ways. So you don't want to train yourself to think of this new relationship as a replacement for your last one. You want to keep them as separate as you can. Thinking of your new relationship to ease the painful thoughts of your old one is defining the "rebound". Don't do this. This new relationship is not comfort for your past one. Your life, other things in your life outside of relationships altogether fulfill that role and fulfill your life. Focus on making this point a reality. This will likely ease your mind to an extent about your fears and perception that you can't bear another heartbreak and the subsequent pressure, doubt, and confusion this mindset will cause in your current relationship.

 

So there are three things in your mind at this point. You have the old relationship, the new relationship, and your life independent of both of them. Your life, all to yourself, is both your buffer and safehouse of sorts from the grief that you have to face from your past relationship and the fear and doubts about the new relationship. If you can train your mind to recognize these three separate entities and be able to develop the machinery to be able to completely refocus between each, you're going to be fine.

 

I think we are getting a bit ahead of ourselves here though. One day at a time for now and keep all this in the back of your mind at this point. We don't know what tomorrow will bring with this new relationship. Hopefully, eventually it will be love and fulfillment and I sincerely wish that for you my friend. Good luck on this journey...

[kate111]

Nothing like a new girl to take the mnd off the old girl!

 

I'd take it slow and be honest with this girl. You don't need to go on and on about it, but tell her you are still hurting and want to take things slow.

Then don't commit but see what feelings develop.

 

Make sure you take time to evaluate your life and change it for the better to avoid making the same mistakes in this relationship.

[macgyver4ever]

This is all really great advice. I am going to take it slow. We are only dating once a week, and I am trying to keep our dates very public. This helps slow things down a little for me. I've been very honest with her, and this weekend I plan on telling her how much I like her, but that we need to take things slow. She's been very understanding with my situation, ad I really respect that. I told her last night that I still share a cell phone plan with my ex, and that I am hoping to end it soon. Hopefully I will get the nerve to do that tonight, but I don't really want to talk to my ex yet.

 

I have been focusing on myself a lot. I'm already well on my way to loving myself again, and have been painting and working out a lot. I'm living my life for myself for the first time, and embracing the single life. Lucky for me I met a great girl very quickly, and haven't had to date too much.

[finewhine]

Lucky for me I met a great girl very quickly, and haven't had to date too much.

 

Whoa there, pally. I'm not trying to pick on you, but listen to FriscoDJ for a minute.

 

Your judgment is impaired right now. I know how you feel, in a way. Your ex is worse than my ex, I'll grant you that. But something I can relate to is your feeling of entitlement.

 

Let me try to explain: Life gives you craptastic significant other. Significant other treats you like crap. You get away from crappy significant other. Good for you!

 

Lo and behold, you meet a new person. This person, in relation to the craptastic significant other, looks like a box of chocolates. They don't have any of the baggage that the craptastic significant other (hereby referred to as CSO, not to be confused with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra) had.

 

You think, "Gee, Life (or Fate or God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster) has promptly handed me a wonderful person to compensate for my years of crap with my CSO!"

 

Not so, hombre. Here's the problem: life doesn't work like that AT ALL. I'm not saying that you won't find happiness with your new ladyfriend, but if you approach this relationship like it's a given, you're dead in the water.

 

Part of the process of healing from the end of a Big, Crappy Relationship is discovering why YOU participated in it. Don't miss this opportunity for painful self-discovery. Don't look at New Girl as a consolation prize. Most importantly, don't let feelings of relief cloud your judgment.

 

You don't know this girl well at all. You don't know if you're going to be dating in a week or a month. What you're left with, even in a new relationship, is you, so don't forget about that not insignificant detail.

 

I'm just sayin'.

[macgyver4ever]

Thanks for the feedback FineWhine.

 

You're probably right. The girl I am seeing has opened up a new world to me. I don't know if this is "the one" at all, but I know I can learn a lot by seeing her.

 

I spoke with my ex's mother to let her know I had to call my ex tonight to cancel her cell phone. Her mom knows I want to know nothing about my ex, but started to tell me everything.

 

She is doing EVERYTHING to move on. She is moving out of her parents house because they did not want to meet her new boyfriend. She also bought a laptop. She is unhappy person and trying to do whatever she can to try to make herself happy, except doing the things she really needs to do.

 

I still love her, and worry about her, but am glad to not have to deal with all of this. It's her problem.

[finewhine]

Good for you!

 

Again, just be careful, since you still love your ex. That's natural and all, but it's hard to start a new relationship with someone when you still have strong feelings (whatever they are) for someone else.

 

I know you'll be fine, whatever happens. You're obviously a very thoughtful guy who doesn't want to give the new woman the short shrift. Having your eyes open is awesome!

[macgyver4ever]

The girl I am seeing is very sweet. She called me last night to see how I am doing, and we had a nice talk about taking it slow. She's been extremely understanding with my situation and thinks we could have something special together.

 

We are going out again this weekend and she is already making plans to watch LOST with me next week. I jokingly told her that she needs to slow down, and see how this weekend goes first. She thought that as funny.

 

I love my ex as a friend and do not want to be back with her anymore. It's about healing myself, but I am going to try to be friends with my ex because she needs a friend more than ever right now. She's very self destructive.

[finewhine]

Oooh, I wouldn't bother trying to be friends with your ex. Why do you think you can be friends with her right now when the breakup is so fresh?

 

Self-sacrifice is overrated.

[macgyver4ever]

I'm not really going to be her friend. I'm going to say the nice thing that she can call me if she needs someone to talk to. I will eventually return her calls, but for the most part she is on her own.

 

She is no longer a part of my life, but I am willing to be a part of hers when she needs the help. I'm the only one in her life who will tell her NO. Everyone else lets her do what she wants and that is how she has gotten into this mess. She loves to get her way.

 

I understand we weren't right for each other now. I know it is still fresh, but our relationship was shallow. No depth.

[finewhine]

Good for you!

 

And you don't need to tell her "no" ever again. You're telling her "no" by not talking to her, right?

[macgyver4ever]

Well..........

 

By her not returning my calls about turning off her cell, she is saying "NO" louder.

She's really turned into a sweet girl.

[macgyver4ever]

I spoke with my Ex, and canceled her phone. I did what I said, and told her she was right about the break up, but I was disappointed we couldn't make it work. I told her I wanted to be friends someday, and that if she ever needed someone to talk to or advice, that I would be there for her. She started crying.

 

I felt good for the next 12 hours and then took a turn for the worse. I cannot stop thinking about her and anger, resentment and sadness have come flooding back into my life. I'm so upset by what she has done and how she has treated me.

 

All of this is now effecting my new relationship that I am starting. This girl I am seeing is wonderful, and we had a great date last weekend. At the end of the date I gave her a kiss goodnight and it went on for awhile. I FREAKED OUT. I had a huge range of emotions from excitement, to guilt, to fear, and sadness. As soon as she left I went into full panic attack. I guess I wasn't ready for that, or a real relationship right now.

 

Any advice? Should I take a break from this girl, even though I really like her or just try to take it even slower. I wish I wasn't such a sissy.

[macgyver4ever]

I don't think she is going to slash her wrists. By self destructive she is going against her moral beliefs and standards. She has always been very against cheating, but after she got drunk a did it a year ago, she now thinks it is too late. She already sinned, so why not do it some more? So she cheated again, and now drinks to much, is probably having risky sex, and is doing everything possible to cover the pain and guilt she feels from our past.

 

She's a shell of herself, or at least the girl I knew for 4 years. She was a family orient person who couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with me, but now only cares about getting drunk, having fun, and doing whatever it takes to make her feel happy, even if it doesn't last.

 

How can I get past the pain I am feeling with my ex without ruining my future relationship? I don't want to lose another girl because of my ex.

[This is Horrible]

Oooh, I wouldn't bother trying to be friends with your ex. Why do you think you can be friends with her right now when the breakup is so fresh?

 

Self-sacrifice is overrated.

 

 

being friends with my ex is not an option. not now, and not ever.

 

when i am healed from this disaster why would i want to be friends with someone who put me through hell?

 

i do not think i will ever contact her again.

 

if we do run into eachother somewhere i will say hello and go about my business. i just dont see the point in being friends with someone who put you through so much heartache. to me there is no point.

[macgyver4ever]

This is Horrible

 

Do I really want to be friends with my ex again? NO, but I am the only person in her life that will tell her the truth, and someday (hopefully not for awhile) I know she will need that. I'm not going to hang out with her, especially as long as she is with the guy she cheated on me with. Maybe months or years down the road, when we are both secure in our lives we can be friends, but she was AWFUL to me.

 

I really shouldn't care about her anymore, I know this. That doesn't stop it from happening. I just can't turn off my feelings like she did. She had a few month head start on me as well.

[This is Horrible]

This is Horrible

 

Do I really want to be friends with my ex again? NO, but I am the only person in her life that will tell her the truth, and someday (hopefully not for awhile) I know she will need that. I'm not going to hang out with her, especially as long as she is with the guy she cheated on me with. Maybe months or years down the road, when we are both secure in our lives we can be friends, but she was AWFUL to me.

 

I really shouldn't care about her anymore, I know this. That doesn't stop it from happening. I just can't turn off my feelings like she did. She had a few month head start on me as well.

 

my ex was awful to me too and i, too, still care, but after the way she was to me last week when we spoke, i am now thinking with my head and not my heart from this point on.

 

i dont care how secure in my life i am in the future, i want no part of her in my life. i know i sound resentful but that is the way i feel.

 

seriously, why would you want someone in your life who made you feel so awful for so long? common sense tells me there is no reason, and for me, it s time to start using some common sense.

[finewhine]

MacG: I am SO SORRY you are going through all this turmoil right now. IMO, it's best to put your new relationship on hiatus, if possible. I can't really give you any advice on how to do this successfully, but try a new post in the "Dating" forum and see what you get.

 

But here's the thing about putting your new lady on leave: IT SHOWS YOU HAVE A SOUL. You're not healed because you're a feeling person. Take this pain as an affirmation that you're in touch with your emotions, even if they're sucky emotions.

 

So sorry you're hurting. I feel you.

[pacopaco]

Hey mac,

 

take it slow, take it slow. watch lost, but don't get "lost" in it. I too am kind of seeing someone, it isn't a rebound, as I haven't been with anyone for a year, but I still want to take it slow. this girl I've been seeing is nice, intelligent, and attractive. I see myself having a good good friend, if nothing happens. She knows about my breakup, as I told her, and she was very understanding. She's a catch, that's why it's worth everything to be friends for a time and see where it goes.

The line between what you want and what you need isn't all that hard to see, if you're thinking. I know I want to be in this girl's orbit, and yes, she is attractive to where I want to sleep with her. I have thought about it, and it's a very pleasing thought, though at the same time, I feel I have made such a nice friend with her, that "going all the way" at this point is going to the movies and having veggie burgers at Native Foods. I'm enjoying myself.

She called me on Saturday night to inform me that the Shins were playing on TV. Says she "I just thought of you, and I wanted to let you know." That was sweet, and I am savoring these small things. She calls me "sweetie." I'm not about to ruin anything like that, because this girl is a keeper. As a partner or as a good friend, I do intend to keep around her. She's very nice. If i feel i am ready for a "next step," then I will take it. for now, I'm having too much fun just making her laugh.

Take it slow slow slow, Mac, you won't regret it. Conversely, she just might feel that the next step is soon, and if she does, she'll let YOU know. feel it out, think, and enjoy an episode of Lost, where is the harm in that?

[pacopaco]

 

I understand we weren't right for each other now. I know it is still fresh, but our relationship was shallow. No depth.

 

WOW, Mac! doesn't it feel good to understand?

[pacopaco]

Sissy? mac, you sound like a real man. you're conscious of how you feel, and you're conscious of this other woman, and how she may feel. You're a real man, with real feelings, if anything, thank your ex for making you feel alive! Sorry I keep post after posting, but there is a lot to learn and comment on, all coming from you...take it S...L...O...W...L...Y...

[macgyver4ever]

Paco

 

Thanks for all of the support. It means a lot coming from you, because I know you have been through basically the exact same thing. Knowing that you have made it through this gives me hope, even though you are much stronger than I am.

 

I am going to email the girl I am seeing today, and talk to her tonight. Hopefully I will be brave enough to see her for LOST, and if things get out of hand I will just talk to her then.

 

One question, why would I thank my ex for making me feel alive?

 

Congrats on the new girl you have met. She sounds wonderful. I wish you the best on that, where ever it takes you. I wish I could say that this relationship wasn't a rebound but it is still. I am just filling the hole left by my ex, and until I can realize this is something new, I cannot let myself get too deep in it.

 

Thanks for the Feedback finewhine. I am going to give it another shot taking it slow before I put it on hold. I really like this girl, but know I'm not ready for anything serious, or exclusive.

 

Thanks again!!!

[pacopaco]

Paco

 

Thanks for all of the support. It means a lot coming from you, because I know you have been through basically the exact same thing. Knowing that you have made it through this gives me hope, even though you are much stronger than I am.

 

I am going to email the girl I am seeing today, and talk to her tonight. Hopefully I will be brave enough to see her for LOST, and if things get out of hand I will just talk to her then.

 

One question, why would I thank my ex for making me feel alive?

 

I was just being silly about thanking your ex. all I meant was that you're in touch with your feelings. Think about it. I'm not stronger than you, you're just as strong. Strength comes from being in touch with yourself. question: why would things get out of hand? you're in control. if you don't want to move fast, then don't. this time around, mac, you will get what you're asking for. If you know she is a rebound, let her know (nicely,) if she is a good honest woman, she'll understand, and appreciate that you told her. It'll keep her from feeling like you used her. Be the "stand-up guy." if you don't want things going all out of control, then hold your horses. what's the rush?