My boyfriend likes another girl

[jyao17]

my boyfriend and I have been dating for around 5 yrs now and I found out the other day that he has been secretly talking to a girl that he works with for about month on the internet. I have read the messages and they seem pretty harmless but when i asked him about it, eventually he told me that he started to have feelings that he shouldn't about her and that he found her physically attractive. I was furious and really sad. Then he tells me later on that he's not sure that I am the one for him and (we were thinking of getting married) and he said that he's not sure that he wants to marry me. He said that he just needs some time to figure things out. Now he tells me that he is sure he wants to marry me and that i am the one for him. But now i can't stop thinking about the fact that he had feeling for another girl. he says that he talked to her b/c he felt like he couldn't talk to me. I still love him but i don't know what to do. I can't help but think if i didn't catch him would this have gone on? would he have developed more feelings for her? I NEED HELP!!! What should I do?????

[shikashika]

I don't think it would have made a difference whether you 'caught' him or not... he developed feelings either way.

 

give him some time.. and don't beg or plead or try to convince him.. He will do what he wants to do.. and if he wants to be with you he will do that.

 

Personally I would leave... especially after he told you you aren't the one and he finds someone else attractive.

[Aleadragonhawk]

This sounds like a really difficult situation to be dealing with. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are starting to reconcile over this - at least he's back to saying that he wants to be with you. I'd be worried over the feelings he developed, but he seems to have handled them in a relatively mature way. It's this statement I'd pay the most attention to - "He felt like he couldn't talk to me." Have you discussed why he felt that way? Since you two are looking at the potential of marriage, have you considered going into counseling to resolve these problems?

[jyao17]

hello, i really appreciate your advice...and yes i have asked him why he felt like he couldn't talk to me, he said that sometimes he is worried if he says stuff like i might not be the one for him or that he might not want to marry me that i will want to break up with him or it'll cause a lot of problems. I realize that this has some pretty serious implications if he can't talk to me and that I must need to work on something but right now i just can't get past the other girl....i dunno am i being stupid?

[puppy]

hi jyao,

 

Despite the amount of time you have been with him, I suggest you do not rush into a decision to get marry with him until this issue is properly solve. Marry is for life (maybe not these days) and so the trust and communication is important between two people.

 

Take a break and re-evaluate your choice, as it won't be fair for him if you have this unsettle feeling.

 

Good luck.

[emma34]

If I was to put myself in your shoes, I can understand your frustration and confusion.

 

I gotta say, if it was me, I would probably want to take a bit of a break...after 5 years and he is still confused about whether he wants to be with you forever??

 

Either way, don't rush into marriage - and don't think that marriage proposals will make anything better or resolve anything.

[macgyver4ever]

I went through a similar situation. My ex developed feelings for a coworker and after he tried to kiss her she broke up with me because she felt guilty. We got back together after a week, and she promised not to get involved with this guy but it didn't stop. She kept seeing him and used the excuse of going out with her friends as a way to see him several nights a week. She lied to me for about 4 months until she finally liked him enough to try to leave me. I dumped her because she had been treating me so poorly, but she really just made me do it.

 

You are in a position where you have to trust the other person, but in my experience, the more trust I gave, the more freedom she took.

 

We were together for 4 years and were planning marriage as well. I would highly recommend counseling ASAP. If we would have gotten counseling at this stage we would still be together. Trust me, it will be worth it if you are both willing to put the work into it. We did counseling but it was too late, and she no longer cared about me. She only cared about herself.

 

Good Luck!!!

[Momene]

I don't think he deliberately set out to like her, it just happened. It has happened to me but I've never followed it up, choosing to stay with my wife. If it's a co-worker, it's hard because you can't avoid them.

 

Many people like attention from others even if they have no intention of following it up. In my opinion, it's a dangerous game to play.

[TheFoglifter]

When a man says "I can't talk to you about certain things" what he usually means is "if I were stupid enough to bring this up to you, you would explode and I'd spend the next week in the doghouse kissing your * * * for forgiveness"

 

He probably felt like he wasn't sure he even had the feelings in the first place, and even if he did, that they were certainly not strong enough to warrant ending a 5 year relationship. It would be downright idiotic to mention that to your gf of 5 years when you aren't even sure yourself.

 

By the way, there is NOTHING WRONG with a guy wanting to wait a long time for marriage. I'm sick of these couples who wed after 9 months of being together, and then end up divorced 2 years later because they met each other's real personalities. Marriage is a HORRIBLE deal for a man these days, a legally binding prison that he has to forfeit half of everything he earned to escape -- and heaven forbid that there are kids involved, the man will end up in a filthy apartment using lawn furniture for a bed while his ex is vacationing in bermuda on his dollar. Waiting a few extra years to be absolutely certain beats the hell out of living in squalor for 18+ years afterwards.

[Momene]

We met and married within 3 months but had 15 great years. The problems we had were to do with things that happened way after we married and couldn't possibly have been forseen.

 

We're getting back on track now. OK, there's the odd set-back but overall things are getting back to how they were.

 

I don't think knowing anyone for 5 years helps any more than knowing them for 2. I think if you spend too long being together and NOT moving on to the next stage, you are (both) more likely to explore other options.

[treefrogkate]

Marriage is a HORRIBLE deal for a man these days, a legally binding prison that he has to forfeit half of everything he earned to escape -- and heaven forbid that there are kids involved, the man will end up in a filthy apartment using lawn furniture for a bed while his ex is vacationing in bermuda on his dollar. Waiting a few extra years to be absolutely certain beats the hell out of living in squalor for 18+ years afterwards.

 

Right, because an unhappy marriage is a picnic for a woman.