Denial

[itsallgrand]

I am sorry to take up so much space here. It isn't fair the way I blather on.

Other people have important issues they need help with.

I am ashamed to admit how needy I have become.

It is a truth I had kept hidden deep inside me.

 

I'm not so much asking for help because I realize now that no matter how any one pours attention and help my way, it will not change things for me.

It is up to me. That is sinking in.

 

I do need to say a few things, even if no one listens. I suppose I am somewhat talking to myself. Somewhere. I don't know what to do. Where to turn.

 

I am terrified to commune with myself without a medium. Without something or someone else in between. The emptiness is horrifying. I've got nothing.

Writing used to give me relief and pleasure. It then became too fearful to put pen to paper alone. I couldn't understand why. But it has horrified me. A reminder of all that is lost.

 

I am scared. There are ways to contain it. For the moment, old ways that contain it but at such a horrible price. It takes too much to keep it up, even for an hour. Yet I keep trying. To hold on to the pieces and the facade.

 

I am afraid I will wake up after falling asleep somewhere other than home and not go to work, not talk or call anybody, just sort of disappear and wander off. I don't know where or why but I do know I have been acting odd and I don't feel a need to resist it when it happens. It actually feels so bloody right, the only right thing at all.

 

It is all falling apart . The recent event with my ex has triggered me off.

Triggered?!!

More like an almighty explosion from deep inside my soul. It's over.

Not just that. Everything I have held on to for so long. It's over. It's dead. It's gone. Deal with it.

 

God,.my denial has built my life! Without it, what is there. There is nothing except a lot, a lot of pain.

 

I don't know how to deal with the pain. It's been so long. So long since I have felt like this. The pain seems inexhaustible, neverending, tapped into some great well of pain.

 

I don't consider myself a wimp, but. Enough is enough. I am losing the fight. The fight to keep up with the others. The fight to be around for anybody or anything.

 

Too much. I am in frantic escape and all the doors are locking in my face!!

Sleep. Exercise. Music. Men. Baths. Exercise. Work. Friends. Food. Books tv pets comp All of it.

I KNOW it is a distraction, nothing, just bull, because I AM NOT THERE.

Completely totally checked out.

 

Yes. I hate myself so much because I have and still am not the kind of person I can be. I have not been a good person. I have been using people and asleep at the wheel.

 

I've retched so much. My body is tired, sick, bruised up because I keep knocking into things by 'accident'.

I want it out! All this nastiness.

 

I feel literally like I have been dropped in a foreign country, a foreign body, a foreign mind. Who is this person? How could I not know there is a restaurant accross MY street????

How could I not know I remember how to speak my first language?????

All kinds of things are revealing themselves to me. And things I so intently focused on seem like shat.

 

WHO AM I?

 

I'm scared of myself and for myself.

 

I'm drawn to certain places and people - long forgotten about, I thought - who I am suddenly remembering? My feet move and it is like I am not always propelling them.

 

Without joking, I have wondered if I am or have been dead??? If this is real, what and where the heck have I been living all this time?

 

thanks for reading if you have. Everything is swirling so much, a grounding of any sort is good. It is all I can think of to do right now.

[southerngirl]

image removed

 

It will get better. Thanks for letting me read this.

[Shiva 2007]

In Reading your message I can't help but connect with so much of your words, perhaps its wishful thinking, a shear hope that my ex would have expressed such words to me before it all ended, or even after it all ended. I would at least understand why!.....

It ended so badly, and still I feel for him, I hope he will get better, that he finds himself, that he sees the light. I am a destroyed woman who may never recover from this pain. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel for you whoever you are, I share with you my own wonder of WHO AM I? why did this happen to me? why???? and yet in reading your message I am giving myself some answers, maybe falsely, so thank you! it helps.

I hope it helps you to read that some of us out there are going through painful moments too, and we try with all the strength we have left to go on, to move on, one step at a time.

Keep trying to write, it sounds like you have a lot to say.Good luck.

[savoie]

thank you for sharing that. it is awesome they way you can articulate so clearly your feelings, thoughts, fears.

 

while i don't know your circumstances - i think i understand your pain and confusion.

 

is there anything that makes you feel alive again? is there something that when you are in the moment, in that moment, brings you real joy?

[itsallgrand]

southerngirl - Your little yellow guys gave me hope. Like maybe I'm less lost than I thought and am making my way to some light.

I could be grasping at straws but your post is comforting.

Thank you!

 

Shiva - Wow. Feels good to hear the post is of some use to someone.

Thanks for your kind words, too.

Really wish you a lot of luck on your way to healing too.

 

It feels really good to let all the balls drop and write just as I am. Will have to remember it next time the panick gets a hold of me.

[southerngirl]

You are going to make it. You just have to keep making that walk. Feel the fear and use it. Own it, don't allow it to own you. You are strong and you can make it to the other side of this, just like you have before.

[itsallgrand]

savoie - I get very scared admitting to having in joy in anything.

 

There is nothing left to lose now so well, that is a good question. I have been muffling my pleasure and feeling guilt for it.

 

It's felt really good to explore new places. I just stand and look at the stars. Or paint. Anything really. Making jokes of my own again and busting a gut with people has been fun too.

 

Mostly I have been enjoying good conversation with people like you. It is so cool to speak with people who listen! A lot of people don't. Myself included, a lot of the time.

[savoie]

life is strange. i have always been a thinker. full of why questions. i envy those who can go through life rather carefree......and i know those people exist. things just roll off their shoulders. they have the energy to light a small city. what do they think about in their private time? do they have private time? would i be happy in their reality?

 

at the same time - i wonder why i can't motivate myself to do all the things i want to do......its like the fantasy is better than the reality and i don't want to spoil that.

 

i do alot - but i have alot of down time too - as if my psyche needs it.....but it feels like such a waste....i could be spending time with my parents, my gran, my friends, getting fresh air, skiing, hiking, playing. why do i seem to find pleasure being alone at home? it feels safe. i don't know.

 

i am curious as to why you feel scared admitting to joy in anything? what is it that scares you?

[Shiva 2007]

I agree with the quote" life is what happens when you're making plans" however, I know of some people who are just too deep in their pain to make plans, that's when friends and writing helps. So going back to your writing freeze itsallgrand, keep writing whatever comes to mind, or doodle if you have to, and try laugh therapy, that seems to get some of us out of that down place.

[itsallgrand]

SouthernG Use the fear. What a wondrous concept! Seriously. The fear has been anally probing me and that is butt backwards. I just didn't get it. That it can be harnessed.

 

Shiva - Whoa. You know what? I accused my ex all the time of not listening, not caring, not knowing me, not getting things. And, sometimes, thinking back especially now (he has deceived me), he outright said what needed to be said. Without pretty frills and with good intent.

I just wasn't listening. Period.

 

It sure isn't your fault. Sometimes people are spaced out for whatever reason (mine goes back from when I was a teen!) and don't even know it themselves.

 

It is soo hard though to lose people in the process .

 

Savoie - Your behavior sounds similiar to mine. Very much.

 

I'm scared of admitting joy - - and I have not ever admitted this before even - - I suppose because I feel guilty when I am happy.

 

I am still feeling that. Like, is it okay for me to be happy? Is it bad?

 

Honestly, it seems to go back to an old grief I never really got a chance to work through. It is like I chose to die, in a way, when that person died, and happiness can feel like a betrayal.

 

I can't believe this is coming out of me! Awesome! lol.

[savoie]

shiva - that is a tag line that appears at the end of all of my posts - it is one of my favourite quotes. it is not directed to itsallgrand. nor would i be that inappropriate in this context.

[Shiva 2007]

ok I am going to be a little dumb now! so here it is can someone explain to this poor italian girl what lol means? I keep reading it in various threads and I was always too imbaressed to ask.

[savoie]

i thought it might have to do with the death of someone. it sounds like it was someone very close and dear.

 

do you feel that others judge you when you are happy? or was there something to the relationship between you and your lost loved one that went unfinished?

[savoie]

lol - means laughing at loud

[Shiva 2007]

sorry savoie, I'm still new at this, I didn't know one could add a quote at the end of their own message. and thank you for finally explaining "lol" to me, I'll be sure to include it now whenever I'm laughing at loud....who know when that will be.

[savoie]

no worries sheva - i am new here too..........but welcome!

[itsallgrand]

There was lots that went unfinished. The death was sudden, brutal, and sent my and others lives into hell for a good while.

 

And yes, I feel like people are judging me when I am happy. I was still pretty much a kid - who was growing breasts - and people never seemed to know what to do with me. I felt like a freak, coming from another world, and like I couldn't relate.

People avoided me or acted weird because they didn't know what to say or do. I was sent from place to place and really was miserable. But still a kid! Who wanted to laugh and have fun.

 

I didn't do any of that. I pretty much had to be a grown up and that was it.

 

I just always feel like someone will come to knock me down if I am happy? Come and punch me in gut to remind me ....of what, I don't know, that life sucks and people can be cruel?

 

It is embarrassing to feel like the happy part of me is still so young, sort of undeveloped. It is a vulnerable place. Needing to be nurtured and I just feel like there is no where safe to do that, I guess.

 

Sorry for go on so much. This is hard to talk about. A sort of sacred ground to me, but it is at least real. Real is what I have been avoiding for so long.

[Shiva 2007]

thanks savoie, and welcome to you too

 

 

no worries sheva - i am new here too..........but welcome!

[savoie]

i hope that i am not prying too much. but i am glad that you feel like sharing. i am so sorry for your tragic loss at such a young age. and what a vulnerable time of your life too. i can see how the death of your loved one and how you were treated have led to your struggle in feeling and expressing emotion.

 

omg - i just can' t believe that you are holding on to all of this for sooo long. please learn to let it go. i hope that you can get to a place emotionally where you can feel again. have you considered getting help for this? someone who can gently and professionally guide you down this path?

 

i don't know you - but i am proud of you for taking what appears to be important steps toward a healthier you. i know that it must be a frightening place to go to - but by answering your questions and learning to let go - you will free yourself to live the life you want.

[Dako]

grandy,

 

I often wish I could hug you, like now.

You are an exceptionally kind person with immense insight.

 

I still have your quote on my wall.

 

Be gentle with yourself.

[itsallgrand]

I feel I can finally have a rest now. I'm very tired. Thank you for listening.

Every single word is so appreciated.

 

If it's ok I'd like to respond back some more later. Rest seems like a good idea at the moment. I've poured a lot out there and have a lot to process.

 

Have a great night, S crew. Southern, Shiva, and Savoie.

 

And Shiva, I had no clue you are new to the whole internet lingo. You carry your weight well around here.

[savoie]

take care. thank you again for being so honest. it is a brave thing to do considering your circumstances. but you have to believe that you are worth this effort.

[TheRedQueen]

These words are haunting.

 

Such honesty, it almost hurts to read your painfully real description. Once again I'm in awe.

[trash mail]

I am sorry for your situation.

The impression i got out of you post is that you are whinnying.

[Siriana]

Are you depressed Itsallgrand?

You definitely sound like me when I was depressed. Not severly but just enough to make me feel down and disconnected.

 

 

Feel free to vent and to ask for help here on Ena. You have every right to seek for attention and advice. You give great advice - a lot of us have a "debt" toward you ;-) so don't hesitate to say how you need some comfort.

Feel free to ask, not just to give.

 

Have you tried doing something that will capture your attention and make you feel alive at the moment you're doing it? Something new? Do you know what would make you feel special and great as a person - which activity?

 

I know I would enjoy the following: s-factor, painting lessons, decorating a wall in my room with paint effects, photoshop lessons, painball, learning a new language, reading a great book, seeing a good play, going to see a good foreign movie, taking care of a plant, cooking anew exotic meal and finding a victim willing to try it, traveling, learning a new skill....

Everything except travelling and paying for lessons is available to me right now. it's not expencive and it's fun.

 

So what would you enjoy?

Give me a list.