Don't Do It

[kermit]

Here are my rules for affairs. If you are not married tune out, unless you're involved with a married person.

 

1. Don't do it. It will not end well.

2. It is temporary. She/he will get over you and move on.

3. Everyone loses.

4. Some lose more than others.

5. If you have children at home read rule #1 again.

6. If you are unhappy with your spouse, end your marriage and THEN find someone SINGLE.

7. There is no such thing as an innocent non-sexual affair.

 

If you're wondering, yes I've probably ruined my marriage. Yes, I've been dumped by someone who decided that her husband wasn't all that bad. Yes I'm bitter and hurt. I spent many painful months of NC only to find out that she had decided a long time ago that it was over. She just forgot to tell me.

 

Please take my advice, you do not want to end up like me. Trust me, spending the rest of your life thinking 'what if', it is an infinitely better choice than ruining your marriage.

 

Add rules to your hearts content. I'm going home to cry myself to sleep.

 

And no-one needs to say "I told you so" ....

[yeawutever]

Thanx for sharing your post kermit, unfortunately many people nowadays have affairs and at the end they ruin what they had.

[Locke2121]

Kermit, can't you talk to your wife? Bring her here and let us talk to her, or seek counseling...anything.

[kermit]

By lying about my 'affair' for a long time I destroyed my credibility with my wife. So even though I tell her it is over, and it truly is, she does not believe me.

 

We are seeing a marriage councillor, at least I think we still are. But I can't blame her for not wanting to be with a man who thinks she's number 2, she wants a man who thinks she's number 1.

[Locke2121]

*sigh*

 

Ok, all the cards on the table...do you love her? Is she or is she not #1 in your life?

[Jayar]

Sounds like the only reason you would be willing to "settle" for your wife is because the other woman left you to go back to her husband, correct? Just trying to understand...

 

If that is the case, then I don't blame your wife for not wanting anything to do with you romantically. I think that you should try to find someone who IS NOT married that you honestly feel is number one. And then maybe you won't cheat anymore.

 

Best of luck!

[luvursmile]

Keep working at it Kermit!!

[radioheader]

you are so right...no one wins in an affair situation...get out of your current realationship first...i'm your wife...i'm trying to trust again...but my husband's affair partner got divorced and moved onto another when he was crawlng back to me trying to rebuild here...i think that news killed him inside and i'm trying to figure out why i stay in this marriage when deep down i think he would've gone back to her if she hadn't moved onto a new boyfriend...i guess my kids...affairs just aren't worth the pain...but then again i didn't have the affair...he did...maybe deep down he thinks it was worth it....

[Locke2121]

Mrs. Kermit????

[Kalika]

Kermit the frog would never do this to his lady..

 

Seriously though, is it only over because you were dumped? If that's the case, I wouldn't feel too reassured if I were your wife.

[radioheader]

oh and i'm sure i'm not the wife...just a figure of speech...but yes...it is not reassuring when your husband's affair partner moves on to a new beau and then suddenly all of his "confusion" about the marriage disappears...you feel as though you are really #2...that is what i am dealing with myself!

[Locke2121]

Oh, ok. For a moment there I was going to start ducking!

 

I'll ask the same question, do you still love him? No, better yet are you still IN love with him? Trust is something else entirely and can be worked on at a later date. But without love, well then its just not worth it.

[radioheader]

i was still in love with him before he called her (hadn't talked to her in over a year) in oct a week after i had back surgery from a pay phone and had promised in therapy he wouldn't contact her while he was working on our marriage and didn't tell me until he got served papers from her husband for their divorce in november!...he did send her an e-amil saying it was really over and there was needed closure and copied me on it...but to me that was the final straw and i don't know if i can recover from that...i'm trying...just wondering if "the love" will come back? maybe with time?...i hope...

[Locke2121]

So he wants it to be over as well? Please be honest...do you think its over between them? Even with the divorce and all that crap.

[radioheader]

he says he is now committed to our marriage b/c it was not the love he thought it was with her..."she moving on" and other stuff they discussed...and i think the idea of breaking up our family is not soemthing he can really stand (he was out for 6 months and hated it...i asked him to leave after i found out) i think it is over btwn them but if i told him we were over, i think he'd call her to try to pick it back up...they had a strong emotional bond b/f the physical stuff happened...

[Locke2121]

*sigh* Sometimes we get in over our heads and really have no control over our actions. This sounds like a cop-out, but its true.

 

He has broken your trust and nearly destroyed your marriage....but he's still there. Yes, he may very well have called her up if you said it was through. I'll tell you, for all our gruff exteriors, we men are very much frightened little boys at heart. We need that female influence in our lives...even if its a bad one. But he's not with her, he is still with you, and seems to want to make it work. I honestly don't know if you can fix your marriage, but it deserves at least one good college try. Within one year, you'll know if there is anything worth salvaging.

 

Don't forget, we're all here for you to talk to day or night!

 

What section of the SouthEast? Tennessee man here.

[radioheader]

locke 2121 thanks! i'm a tennessee woman (go vols!)...i'm trying to make this marriage work..we'll see...i'll definitely give it a few more months...thanks for your words of support and words of wisodom about men....

[CallingAllAngels]

Great post...

 

My husband cheated on me 6 years ago, and I just found out...

Even though it is "over" between them, he is "sketchy" with the details..."I don't remember", and becomes very defensive when asked.

 

His story changes from "she kissed me once and I pushed her away" to we were "just making out" to "It wasn't years...it was months"...

 

I will never ever know the truth. All I do know, if I found this out on December 28th, 2006. I aksed him to leave the house. He would not. So, I have left and gone back 3 times...I cannot move past this...it hurts too much, and I KNEW at the time something was going on.

 

He LIED to me, as I had a very STRONG GUT (which I will NEVER doubt again) feeling that something was up with them. They worked together every day...went on breaks and lunch together, and, every weekend, he would go out with a "bunch of people from work", and, when I asked to go along, he would get irrate, and say "no one else is bringing their spouses..." I would ask what time he would be home. He would say "I do not know." He would roll in at 3 or 4am, drunk.

 

When asked where he was (as bars close here @ 2am) he would say, "I was just out, driving around, thinking about things...."

 

Looking back, I just CANNOT believe I tolereated that behavior, and, believed his "reason" for being out so late. I guess it's because I told him it was "bs" and he would swear up and down that nothing was going on with "her", that he REALLY WAS just "driving around".

 

Now...I am staying with my parents. Our marriage is over. I do NOT know how long the affair went on...my guess is from 1996-1999. I DO know that it is over. But that is only because I found extemely sexually explicit emails between them, and, at that point, threatened to call her husband.

 

So have been DECEIVED from 1999-2006 is just more than I can handle. We went to marriage counceling in 2000 and he could have told me then, because IN THERAPY, with the THERAPIST in the room, I asked him if ANYTHING had ever happened between him and this other woman, even "just a kiss". He looked at me right in the eyes and said "No."

 

Throughout the past years, I have asked him probably 100 times. 100 times he has told me that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened between them.

 

To find out from someone who "saw them going at it" was more than I could bear. ONLY then, in the face of undeniable proof did he admit something happened. And now, he won't even tell me the whole story...keeps saying "I don't remember...." that bs...and...the best of all..."it meant nothing." If it meant nothing, then WHY DID YOU DO IT?

 

Sorry this turned into such a rant.

 

Your advice is good...don't do it. Tell your husband/wife you want out of the marriage. Then go pursue the other person.

 

It hurts so many people...not just the 2 involved. And we don't even have children. The fall out has been tremendous.

 

~Allie

[shadow34]

I have a rule to add of mine:

 

If you are unhappy with your spouse COMMUNICATE, go to COUNSELLING, turn over every single stone until you have exhausted every possibility to save the marriage.

[kermit]

Kermit the frog would never do this to his lady..

 

Seriously though, is it only over because you were dumped? If that's the case, I wouldn't feel too reassured if I were your wife.

 

Thank-you for your support and advice everyone. I really need it right now.

 

I can't be 100% sure about the answer to the question above. I suspect I would have seen her again if it was an option. It isn't an option, she changed her mind.

 

My wife? It's business relationship now, we are both better off together than we are apart, but that is the extent of it for right now. I wish I could feel the same feelings I did with my affair partner, but I don't right now. Not sure I ever did.

 

The affair only showed me that I could be happier with someone else. Maybe it wasn't real, maybe it would fade quickly. I'll never know.

 

What hurts me most is that for once in my life I tried to do something for myself, that's not normal for me, I'm a martyr, I always take it on the chin for my family, my business, everything, or so it seems.

 

And it back-fired. So I saw something I wanted, something that made me happy, and the rug was pulled out from under my feet. The contrast between the two states, pleasure and depression only makes things worse.

 

I'll get over it. Eventually. But it won't be soon.

[radioheader]

allie0264,

 

i am so sorry for what you are going thur...my husband looked me in the eye many times and said he wasn't connected to anyone else mutiple times...my gut told me otherwise but i waited until i had 100% proof about it b/f i finally believed it too...

 

we feel so devestated b/c teh person we thought was our spouse and committed partner turned out to be a total lying stranger...it is one of the most hurtful acts ever...and one of the most painful anyone can experience.

 

hope you can eventually find peace in your life after the outfall of it all...not knowing the details is so hard on teh deceived...i have read that we need the details b/c our mind will dream up more harmful images if we don't get enough info about it and obsess on it...my husband and the other woman told me details about the the affair (separately) so i was able to kinda put it behind me (you never forget it though)....but it took over a year! so be patient...you will get over this (with or without your spouse) eventually but it will take time...good luck!

[radioheader]

kermit, i think my husband probably feels the same except he says he does love me and wants to be with me forever now....but i know that there is no sure thing and everything could change tomorrow...i think once the trust is broken in such a hurtful way you just aren't as secure as you once were...but maybe that is not such a bad thing (i'm keeping my eyes open and listening to my gut...more aware)...trying to stay positive! good luck on your grieving...i think you will eventually get over this and move on...to your wife or decide to just go it alone for a while...good luck!

[Locke2121]

i'm a tennessee woman

 

 

Ah, ain't nothin' like 'em in the whole wide world!

 

I'm glad your willing to give the butthead one more chance....I always say, every person is allowed one horrendous mistake in their lives. He's had his. One more and thats it.

 

Hope to see you around the Smokies someday!

[kermit]

kermit, i think my husband probably feels the same except he says he does love me and wants to be with me forever now....but i know that there is no sure thing and everything could change tomorrow...i think once the trust is broken in such a hurtful way you just aren't as secure as you once were...but maybe that is not such a bad thing (i'm keeping my eyes open and listening to my gut...more aware)...trying to stay positive! good luck on your grieving...i think you will eventually get over this and move on...to your wife or decide to just go it alone for a while...good luck!

 

 

I know I hurt my wife, and myself. And if I really wanted to make my life easy I would go back and tell her I love her and I needed to be with her. That is not true for me, so I haven't said it. We are living together, but that's about it rigth now, we're not really a couple. Maybe we will be, maybe not.

 

My point is that just because your husband said it doesn't mean it is true. Sorry, but that is the reality of these situations. I was spurned by someone and went back home. Did your husband walk away, or was he sent packing?

[radioheader]

thanks locke2121...i guess that means i'm still holding my "get out of jail" card...my horrendous mistake must be coming sometime in the future...and the smokies are so beautiful...wish i was up in a cabin in front of a roaring fire with a glass of wine and a good book right now....ALONE...i'm just kidding things are going okay with me....like i said...my husband is trying!