HELP! My Biggest Mistake

[auroradawn]

I do not consider myself a bad person. but what i did to my boyfriend was terrible. i went behind his back, and met a guy over facebook (through a mutual friend). it started out very innocent..talking as friends. until one day the new guy asked me to email him..so i did (just a friend email). he replied with an email saying how amazing i was, and how lucky he was to have met me, and blah blah blah. i guess i liked the attention he gave me, and i guess you could say we ‘hit it off.’ it wasnt long before he asked me if he could call me. i didnt see why not…so i said sure. we ended up talking on the phone for long periods of time…developing innappropriate inside jokes..jokes that we would write about over facebook messeges. i dont know why i did this – i love my boyfriend so much! so much it scares me. anyways..i guess he isnt really my ‘boyfriend’ anymore..he went into my facebook account and read the messages. he broke up with me immediately..(all of the talking and facebook msg’s happened over the course of about 2 weeks, btw). since then he has given me the oppotunity to earn his trust back, because, understandably he does not trust me anymore. i am so ashamed and embarrassed of what happened and i would do anything to take it back. but i cant, so now i need to focus on proving to him that i can be trusted, and i will do anything to accomplish this. i dont know if any of you have been in the same situation? any suggestions? so far i have called the ‘new guy’ (with my bf on the same line), telling him i never want to talk to him again, and reasons why i dont like him, and why i dont want to be with him. i have also blocked and deleted him off of my msn account, and removed him as a friend on facebook. i just want to forget about him…what happened was so out of my character and it hurts me so much to realize how bad i hurt the person i love the most. i never thought i could do something like that. I would appreciate any help...

[Iceman26]

I believe all you can really do is listen to your boyfriend and see what you can do to reassure him of his doubts about you due to your facebook dalliance.

 

It will be tough at first, but if you love him the way you say you do, then it will be worth it.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Perhaps you can take a long look at your relationship with your current boyfriend and figure out why you did this. You mentioned you liked the attention this other guy paid you. Doesn't your boyfriend pay attention to you? Does he make you feel safe and loved? If so, you must think of WHY you did this. Apologizing will only get you so far, you need to anaylize why you did this, understand why and fix what ever was wrong. It is my belief a person engages in such behavior due to lack of proper communication within the relationship.

 

Earning trust back is very difficult and there is no set time limit. There is a good chance he may never trust you, no matter what you do. And who can blame him? Realize that these things take time, patience and understanding. And he also must work at allowing you to earn the trust back. This is a TEAM effort. He cannot keep throwing it your face or using it as an ace card when things get tough. Keep that in mind.

 

I wish you all the best.

[auroradawn]

Thank you...he does give me attention when we are together. but when we are apart...its kind of different. he doesnt like talking on the phone, and i do. we see eachother alot, but seeing him on weekends is really important to me..and all of this drama happened when he was going home every weekend (we are both students). and i guess i was lonely..and this guy over facebook seemed to want to talk to me all the time - no matter what. and i guess i didnt understand why my current boyfriend didnt want to. i should have told him this and told him that it made me insecure that he didnt want to talk to me. i guess i still should. thank you so much for getting me to think along these lines...i also agree with you.."a person engages in such behavior due to lack of proper communication within the relationship."

[kellbell]

It sounds like you realize what happened and what compelled you to do these things. That is definitely a step in the right direction. Now that you realize what happened, you can start fixing what was wrong and you can learn from your mistakes.

[auroradawn]

one friend has told me that once trust has been broken, it will never be there again...and that if one makes a mistake, he/she will make it again...i do not agree with this statement...i know what i did will never happen again...i guess it all depends on the hurt party. whether or not they are willing to forgive...what do you think? has anyone out there gotten hurt, lost trust in the person they loved, and now trust that person again?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I think it is possible to regain trust but it takes a lot of time and patience. And depending on the other person and how he/she is, whether or not it will happen can vary.

 

For example, your boyfriend may be a very understanding person and give people one more chance to redeem him/herself. I know of some people whom do not believe in second chances at all. So, much of regaining your boyfriend's trust depends on the kind of person he is. And you know him best.

 

You have to brace yourself to the possiblity that he MAY never trust you again. With good reason, it is not like you fibbed about how much you spent on a dress, you were flirting with another guy. So this will take some time. He may question everything you do or say and you have to be prepare for that. Has he forgiven you for what you have done? Because that is a good step in the right direction.

 

I have not been in your situation before. But regaining trust is a gradual process that time, patience, and understanding.

 

I truly hope things work out.

 

(((hugs)))

[auroradawn]

Thank you so much for all of your posts - I truly appreciate it! It all happened very recently, and he is not in the country at the moment, so not a lot of communication has been going on (as we can only speak over msn for brief periods of time). I understand that he may never trust me again, but I guess I am willing to take that risk. He is a very forgiving person, but it takes him time, so I guess I will just have to wait. I just don't want to be treated like dirt in the meantime. I know it was my fault, and he didn't deserve to be treated like that. The truth is he has betrayed my trust in the past and I think he forgets how it feels to be truly remorseful. I don't really want to bring up this issue with him though, as it was in the PAST and I have since forgiven him. I guess only time will tell, and the best I can do is learn from my mistake, and not hurt anyone else like this. Again, thank you for talking to me. You have no idea how much you have helped

[kellbell]

Hey no problem,

 

I hope everything works out.