Less than a year, and its over???

[theglide96]

My wife and I met a few years ago. Started dating for about a year before we moved in together. We were engaged about a year later and were finally married in April of last year. We had always wanted to move out of the Tampa, Fl area and finally had a opportunity in June after we married. We moved away from my family and our friends to an area that was more conducive to starting a family and owning a new home.

The move didnt start well. I moved up to SC June 1, and she didnt make it up here until early July. I took us a while to get settled, and a job for her didnt pan out as quickly as we hoped. The relationship started getting pretty rocky. We stopped having sex and spent very little time just having fun. I made things worse by browsing the internet for porn and she didnt appreciate it. She said she had lost respect for me, ( I sought advice on this site at that time). As things finally settled down she began pulling futher and futher away. She began disliking me and we started arguing about seperating, I didnt want to. We then decided to seek counseling and try to patch things up. The holidays were great we spent alot of time together with our families and friends and things looked good. Then it all resurfaced, she stopped acknoledging me and pulled away. Finally it all came to a head and we decided to divorce.

She said she didnt like me anymore and had fallen out of love with me. She said she had been having doubts for a while and just kept it inside. Now we are separated and she is living with a guy she met at the dog park, that is just a "friend."

At first I felt like the divorce was the right thing to do but as time goes by I feel like we have given up on a special relationship and havent even given our life together a chance.

 

I would really appreciate some advice on this situation. I am supposed to be moving back to FL, in a few days to start the divocre proccess, but I dont know that I am ready to give up. Part of me thinks that divorce is the easy solution, but I dont want to lose my wife. I feel like two different people.

 

Please, any advice, either way will help!

[Dubb]

There is a book out there called How to Stop your Divorce. I hear it really helps people so maybe give that a good read and it can give you some insight.

[sanj101ca]

divorce busting is another good book.

[Iceman26]

What doubts did she have, and what was her reasons for disliking you?

[heloladies21]

I'm sorry my friend, but this relationship is over. Nothing can be done at this point to bring it back, so best thing to do would be to accept the break as final and do your best to move on as soon as possible. Cut communication and try to work on the other parts of your life.

[theglide96]

Seems to me that it is not that simple. I mean we have really made our first year more difficult than it needed to be. We took on alot, moving, new jobs and just being newly weds. I just find it very hard to accept this being totally over.

The hardest thing to accept for me is that she just doesnt like me. I see now that she is going out, partying and livin it up, these are all things she had stopped doing with me once we got engaged. i always thought it was stress and depression but I guess she really doesnt like me. I dont understand how you marry someone and then 6 months later decide you dont like the person.

 

I am I denying the fact that this is over?

[heloladies21]

That's the toughest part of moving on, accepting the fact that it's over and dashing any hope for reconcilliation. There's always some excuse(s) the dumper uses to deflect the reason for the break up. School, work, stress, family problems, everything. But they just tell you that to deflect the fact thatthey are just not interested anymore (it would hurt you too much to tell you thatand they don't want the guilty conscience).

 

You'll turn the corner soon. Then you can do your best to learn from the situation and move on.

[theglide96]

heloladies, dont you think some things are worth fighting for? Or I am just being a hopeless romantic? I truly believe that we never gave our marriage a chance. I mean if everyone quit when a relationship wasnt always perfect no one would last, right?

 

Yeah she's unhappy right now but does, that mean I give up and throw all of this away?

[southerngirl]

heloladies, dont you think some things are worth fighting for? Or I am just being a hopeless romantic? I truly believe that we never gave our marriage a chance. I mean if everyone quit when a relationship wasnt always perfect no one would last, right?

 

Yeah she's unhappy right now but does, that mean I give up and throw all of this away?

 

yes I think its worth fighting for. She is your wife! Tell her that you love her and that you dont want your story to end like this. It cant hurt to try. Just don't become some stalkerish person that never gives up. Its okay to give it your 100 %. You took vows.

[heloladies21]

heloladies, dont you think some things are worth fighting for? Or I am just being a hopeless romantic? I truly believe that we never gave our marriage a chance. I mean if everyone quit when a relationship wasnt always perfect no one would last, right?

 

Yeah she's unhappy right now but does, that mean I give up and throw all of this away?

Well, fighting for it in the context of what? If your families were from different backgrounds and disapproved of the two of you being together, you fight for what you both want. But in your case, she has given up already so it won't work. The way you're talking about it only happens in the movies, real life is much more harsh.

 

Your relationship has far crossed over being not perfect. A fundamental flaw has been exposed and pushed her to the point where she has emotionally left you. She's not just unhappy, she's not interested.

 

I can only tell you what would be best for you, but you have nothing to prove to me. Do what you feel is best, as sometimes the only way to learn in life is to make the mistake yourself and not just listen from other's experiences. Just keep my advice in the back of your mind if you decide to continue to try and don't see any results.

[theglide96]

Thanks for all the advice!

[Dubb]

I would honestly tell you to pull away. She knows you love her. That is part of the problem. She knows you are head over heals for her. She probably has some self-esteem issues. Start to move in your own direction and stop contacting her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It takes two people to try, and if she is totally rejecting you, refusing to see you, involved with someone else (are you sure her roommate is just a 'friend), then it maybe be an uphill battle for you.

 

Sometimes hearing someone doesn't 'like' you anymore is worse than someone doesn't love you anymore, because like usually comes before love. so you've got to get her to like you again, get her to respect you again, then get her to love you again... that's a large hurdle.

 

having said that, if she will see you, you might want to ask her specific instances of things that have led her to this place, and see whether what she is saying is reasonable or not, and talk to her about negotiating a way to be back together, including marraige counseling.

 

but if she won't have anything to do with you other than things that are related to ending the divorce, and once that is over will be gone, then you might better try to heal yourself and get on with your life.

 

you deserve someone who loves and respects you and wants to be with you, rather than endless bickering and put downs. she may just have decided she doesn't want the commitment of marriage in general, in which case you can't make her want that, so best to heal yourself and find someone who does.

[theglide96]

I am having alot of trouble wrapping my head around the situation. I cant understand how all this is happening sooo fast. I want to be able to move on and try to leave this in the past but I just cant seem to bring myself to abandon this marriage so early.

 

The contact I have had with her recently has been very short and quick. I have vocalized and written in a letter my feelings and had no response. I mean no response, it is almost as if she has turned herself off.

 

We have been to counseling, in fact she is a counselor, and she said she didnt like the counselor and it was no help. I dont want to become an a**hole that bugs her about working things out but I also dont want to turn my back on us. I realize how difficult that will be, becuase I think you are right, she has already given up on me and our marriage.

 

Thanks again

[Dubb]

Hey man we know it's hard but stop chasing her. I really wish you would take my advise and read Stop your Divorce. Google it! You can buy a copy on line in adobe format. I think it sells on ebay even cheaper. Man when my girl broke up with me I made so many mistakes. I wish I knew then what I know now.