Doubts about pregnancy

[caro33]

This might be controversial, sorry, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I hope that someone will share their experiences with me!

 

We were trying to fall pregnant, and we have. Early days, only 5.5 weeks in. I don't have morning sickness, but I am not sleeping well, I feel like I have bugs under my skin all night and I'm overheating. I am bloated - fluid retention at a max, and my chest is huge and sore. I'm not liking being pregnant so far.

 

I know it all gets better, but then it seems to get worse. All I hear about is the pain, the blood, the weight, the sore nipples.

 

I keep having dreams where I don't want to be pregnant after all, or I forget to feed the baby. I often feel like this during the day also (not wanting to be pregnant, or at least not being excited that I am). I feel terrible about it because what if I have a miscarriage - the guilt of it would be huge.

 

I can't really conceptualise me having a baby - a real life squishy squirmy baby.

 

I recognise my hormones are in a state of flux but I want to hear that doubts are normal (please). I am now afraid I'm not ready after all, maybe this just wasn't me. Too late! Maybe I won't bond with our baby. Husband is so excited and protective, it's not really something I want to worry him about.

[melrich]

I think your worries and doubts are normal. My partner hated being pregnant (or she thought there was about 8 good weeks and the rest was horrible).

 

Also with our first we were terrified by the prospect of having to look after a baby, would we be good at it, would the baby love us (!!!), what if this happened or that happened.

 

Until you have a baby you don't realise how self centred you have been in you life up to that moment (I don't mean that in a bad way) and that takes some adjusting. Suddenly you have this human being that is 100% reliant on you just to survive. That is a pretty big responsibility to get used to.

[caro33]

Thanks melrich!

 

I tried to write more just then about responsibility and what is/isn't scaring me and found that I don't know. I just don't know what's going on! Perhaps that's the problem hey, it's a sense of a lack of control over something that has such an enormous life impact.

[Hayles]

Seriously, in my family there are often many jokes and comments about "how on earth I've managed to get my son to 4.5 years old, all by myself!" I was, and still am, the most unmaternal person... I hated pregnancy, I was so sick, morning sickness (at night) every night until I was 32 weeks! Heartburn, itching, pain, diffculty breathing with a great big bottom sitting up against your diaphragm... but I tell you... just hang in there for the moments when you first feel those movements, they're really not too far away... your first ultrasound... I think you'll feel better, if not, then go to a counsellor. They will help you work through all the confusion.

You are probably just afraid of the unknown... yeah, sure it all sucks bad at the time, but once it's over, it's over and you have a gorgeous baby - that's yours...

I learned to put nappies on a doll just weeks before my son was born - I'd never changed a nappy in my life... but the moment I gave birth to him, I kind of just knew things, the rest came with experience, practice and a little help from others...

 

You should be just fine, but if you are worried, then a counsellor couldn't hurt, maybe even a midwife at your antenatal clinic? They can tell you whether what you are feeling is normal or concerning - but I am sure it's normal!!!

 

Good luck and keep us posted

[melrich]

Yeah I think sometimes just the magnitude of the whole thing can overwhelm you. And up to around the 10 - 12 week mark it is hard to actually think about it as real. Your not really showing, you have a few pregnancy symptoms but otherwise everything is going on around you pretty much as normal.

 

I think in 7 weeks or so, when you are into second trimester things will really chrystalise for you (and you'll realise you've just signed the rest of your life over to the control of your son/daughter!!)

[Hayles]

Oh, and just to make it clear.... when I say I'm still very unmaternal.... I mean with every child but my own.... I still feel awkward and clumsy picking up my neices and nephews, won't change their nappies (and thereforeeee am not the nominated babysitter!), but it's all good with my own son... it comes naturally!!! hehe

[Bethany]

Husband is so excited and protective, it's not really something I want to worry him about.

 

I think you should talk to him, he loves you and will be your support for the next 8 months, who better to reassure you with a loving arm around you? Maybe he has secret worries too and needs you back.

 

I also agree with melrich, all those doubts and fears are 100% normal, it's a very scary time (even more reason to talk to him?) but the rewards of feeling that first flutter in your tummy, the first scan, and the joy of seeing your baby after the birth brigs such feelings of intense love and emotion that it is worth every ounce of worry, fear and pain.... Believe me I've been there twice and it truly is wonderful.

[justpaisley]

What you're going through is totally normal. My husband and I tried and tried and tried for a baby, and when I finally got pregnant, I was TERRIFIED. I remember crying in the shower for 15 minutes once thinking about how un-ready we were, although we were as ready as ready could be. The fact that you are worried and that you're facing reality shows how mature you are about this - pregnancy, child birth, and child rearing are not all roses and sunshine. They're HARD. But they're worth it.

 

Please share this with your husband, he should know how you're feeling.

[Batya33]

I had a few friends (and my mother and sister) who loved being pregnant - my friend, due next month said she will miss being pregnant, that it is like carrying around a "little friend" and what scares her is when this "little friend" is no longer inside her under her complete control. The rest of my friends had various complaints.

 

So, I vote for 100% normal (and vote with those who mentioned your maturity, wisdom, etc.)

[BornToResist]

Don't stress on this too much, it is completely normal. I liked a lot of my pregnancy, but I too was absolutely terrified. It did get better in my second trimester though.

 

The night before I had my baby I was sitting on my bed SOBBING, feeling exactly how you do. I still feel unsure of myself because it is a huge responsibility. But I think if you felt completely at ease and ready for this, something would be wrong.

 

If you still have concerns, I would talk to your doctor about it. They can help you a whole lot. Also keep voicing your feelings on this site if you find it helps. I would also talk to your partner if he's supportive of you. Alot of times you may find you're in the same boat and finding he's a little freaked out may make you feel less alone.

 

Hang in there sweetie. It's scary but the most rewarding thing that can possibly happen to you.

[caro33]

Thanks everyone, that's really nice of you, and my fears that I am a freak have been much reduced!

 

I've said to my husband that I am scared and if he has doubts or anything he can talk to me and all is fine. Thing is, he's super calm, stable and undoubting, which makes me (a worrier) feel all the more like I have a problem. But him being calm is not a bad thing, I realise I'm lucky in that regard.

 

I guess it's just the seriousness of my worries, I feel like I'm quietly jinxing us with bad thoughts. I'm on this speeding train and I'm not sure why I got on! He's just not going to get these feelings, it's not his nature.

 

So I'm glad I can come here; thanks again for your support, it's really appreciated.

[melrich]

Everyone reacts differently but I was very much like your husband early days.

 

I was excited by the pregnancy but despite that and despite knowing it was real, it didn't feel real. It wasn't until about 7 months, when my partner was big and finding it hard to do things that I started to panic and have thoughts liek the ones you are having now.

 

In my experience, the reality of pregnancy hits the mum much earlier in the pregnancy than the dad.

 

And I agree with everyone else. Tell him your feelings. Because he will go through something similar at some point I'm sure and it will make it easier for him to talk to you about those feelings when they happen.

[caro33]

Okay, that seems logical. I'll keep those lines of communication open. Actually I'm not much of a person to keep my whingeing or concerns to myself anyway .

[justpaisley]

My husband is similar - every time I would express any fears, he'd reassure me as best he could, making me feel silly (through no fault of his own - he didn't degrade me) for being nervous. He's extremely logical and quite frankly, during pregnancy, we can't help but feel illogical. We're biologically illogical. (Sorry.) While your fears are valid, they're also just the kind of thing you have no control over, so it's worthless to worry about.

 

However, it was after we had our son that my husband went a little wonky on me. "Oh my gosh! How did we do this? Shouldn't we have to have a license or something? Are we ready? What do we do now?"

 

Maybe it's the fact that we're the ones with the baby inside us, making us feel miserable and kicking us and keeping us from sleeping, that makes the reality so much more inevitable for us. And by the time 9 months rolls around and the baby's there in daddy's arms, that's when the reality finally hits them.

[vandgsmom]

Motherhood is the most natural state a woman can be in, and is the culmination of all the puberty, growth, and hormonal weirdness that your body has ever done to you.

 

This is what you were born to do, and what you are feeling are the fears of a mother.

 

We all are terrified that we will screw things up somehow, we all create hundreds of scenarios in our minds on how we will somehow hurt/neglect/damage the baby. This dosen't make you a bad mother, it makes you a GOOD, cautious mother. It shows that even before your baby is born you are protective and worrisome over it.

 

You can do this.

You will be a great mother.

Just remember that this is what you were born for, to love this baby, and that thousands of other women a day fulfill their roles as mothers and you are no less than any of these women.

You will be fine.

[BellaDonna]

Hi caro33. I just wanted to put another vote in that what you are feeling is normal.

 

Even if your pregnancy was planned, it can still be very scary.

 

The first trimester is nothing short of Hell. I'm just getting out of it myself and I am feeling a lot better.

 

I promise you it will get better.

 

Still, I hate the weight gain, the weak bladder, the acne (that I did not even have as a teenager ), the fatigue.

But each time I hear the baby's heartbeat or seem him/her on the ultrasound none of that seems to matter (at that moment at least lol).

 

When you have your first ultrasound I think you will feel a lot better.

 

I swear the only thing that has gotten me through so far is a supportive partner and prenatal yoga- which relaxed me significantly.

 

As for the fears of parenting- they are normal. Do not focus on how to be the perfect parent. You will be the best parent you can be- and you have your partners support. You will be ok if you stick together.

 

Don't feel guilty for talking about your feelings either. Pregnancy is often sugar-coated by society. I think bringing a life into this world is indeed a wonderful experience and a wonderful miracle- but there's a lot of difficult things that go along with it both physically and mentally. Yet so many men and women are made to feel guilty or "bad" about their fears and doubts about pregnancy and parenthood and I don't think it should be that way.

 

What you are feeling is normal and valid- so don't beat yourself up over it. Expressing it is the best thing you can do.

 

BellaDonna

[rocio]

Very few men don't have fears about becoming dads. I think he does have fears of his own and either doesn't want to burden you with them, or isn't even aware that he has them yet. They should come out eventually. There will be times when you'll have to be the strong, confident one. So let him take that role for now and resign yourself to being the worry-wart for now. Also, remember that your responsibilities in this are much greater than his. If the baby were to be unhealthy, you would blame yourself (after all, it's a part of your body now). You're the one who has to breastfeed and stay up with the baby and nurture it. Of course, dads do all of that too. But still, you're primarily responsible for all of that. It would be irrational not to be afraid and doubt yourself. I think the fact that you worry about being a good mother is indicative that you will be willing to acknowledge your own imperfections and have the humility to change inneffective parenting behaviors. In other words, it will make you a better mom.

 

Being pregnant gets better in the second trimester for most women. But by the third, you're back to cursing that little alien inside you. I feel like he's beating me up from the inside and sometimes it infuriates me. On the bad days, I tell my bf that it's HIS child. (On the good days, we can share him).

[Dilly]

Very humorous!! I love your posts Hazey!!!

[Scout]

Hi, Caro...your doubts are definitely normal! I had many of the same. What will make everything seem more real to you is when you get your first ultrasound. I had mine this week, and I have to say, seeing that tiny little thing on the screen moving about, and seeing it's little heartbeat...well, I got tears in my eyes and very happy that it was there!

 

Of course, I still have worries and concerns, but that's our way of preparing for a really big job ahead of us! Rewarding, yes, but definitely big.