Fed up with mourning over the creep: HELP!

[ladyspirit]

Where to start?

 

My ex had a manic episode while we were dating ( a year 1/2 into it). I'd picked up that his eccentricities were sometimes too far out, and also, he had bouts of anger and verbal abuse towards me that actually made me break up with him several times. I also thought he was self-absorbed, grandiose, and narcissistic.

Red flags. But I chose to help him instead of dumping him for good. I'd always go back.

 

After 3 years of ups and downs, and me trying to help him,

my ex left me last november, 3 weeks after telling me he loved me so much, that we had a spiritual connection, that he wanted no one else but me, saying he realized now how I'd given him so much and that now it was his turn to carry us;

well, he left me because he met a girl and said ( exact words) I heard her song"- No no, people, not with his ears. He heard the song in his head. He said "it came from her". Well, how do I beat THAT?

He said "you know how I am with musical connections..."

 

I do not miss him. I'm just realizing how I was so sucked into a disturbing, unreal and unhealthy situation.

 

Why did I stay? The irony: I WORK in a psychiatric hospital. I know all about psychotic symptoms. He HAD psychotic symptoms. I tried to help him, but he would put me down, my job, my family. He was a f***ing horrible abusive f*** to me. Yes, dammit, I stayed anyway...

I think I took more abuse than I would have in other circumstances because I so wanted to help (read: save) him](*,) ). As well, he wasn't always unwell, so I would cling to that. He was actually brilliant. Picture "A Beautiful Mind", or "Down in the Valley"? Although those are about 1-schizophrenia 2-sociopath/psychopath, they still portray some psychotic symptoms.

 

I feel humiliated for having stuck around and trying to help the JERK.

I am in disbelief about how he could act one way, sweet, smart, charming, and then be completely wacked.

It's like I can't be objective because I was so close to him, not in a hospital setting. He was DrJekyll and MrHyde. But you know what? I'm not the first woman who's been caught by his charm and his brilliance. Like a spell. I'm not kidding.

I feel I was caught in a nightmare.

 

How can I move on??? I think about him everyday. I'm so bitter about having tried to help him, and also about having disrespected myself by accepting abuse... and he ends up leaving me for another woman!!!

I am thankful I'm out of the situation, but I still feel betrayed. I'm still hurt. I'm confused!!!!! And I'm tired of feeling sad when obviously he wasn't good to me!!! I know better than this!!! I just still have my moments of disbelief about the whole thing...

[finewhine]

Well, Ladyspirit, I have to say we were both in love with brilliant nutters. Lucky, lucky us.

 

How long has it been since the split? Getting over bitterness SUCKS, and, being in the process of doing that myself, I can say that the only thing that seems to ameliorate it is time. And that's really it!

 

Why don't you vent some more, too. That always helps.

[Mun]

Hey there. I dated that guy too. Well, not your guy but someone very similar and I decided that if I so wanted to help someone like that I should take myself back to school and study to be a therapist or something. My efforts would be put to better use....and I get to go home at the end of the day.

 

Hun, don't knock yourself so much. You cared and there is no harm in that except that you stayed after you saw he was abusive. I don't want to hurt you but I'd say I'm not surprised he left you for someone else... he sounds the type. He was already walking all over you....now pray for the poor girl that's got him ...ayy ayy ayy!

 

Be glad he is gone and that episode in your life is passing. Forgive yourself for having been sucked in...we all make mistakes.

 

You can now concentrate on yourself and on raising the bar...really high. The higher your standards the less likely you will accept mistreatment and abuse from someone.

 

Keep going....

[ladyspirit]

Hi Mun,

I know...I'm wondering what's going on with his relationship...but I don't want to contact him- I don't want him back into my life. You're right: I was waaay too nice. I've just never been treated so badly by a guy before- I was always in disbelief everytime he would switch into jerk/ * * * *ed up mode. And when he told me he loved me, I would just believe it, whether or not he was inconsistent. Wow, I learned so much. It still hurts though.

 

Yeah, by hanging out on this site and reading other horror stories, I see the freaks are everywhere. It's "comforting", in a scary kindof way...

[friscodj]

Hey ladyspirit-

 

This reminds me very much of a woman I dated not too long actually...

 

What's done is done. This separation was an absolute blessing for you I think. You will hurt regardless as you were close for several years. Plus, my experience has told me that on-again-off-again relationships such as this are even harder to separate from because you are used to the "on again" part of the pattern sticking you in the rut of denial.

 

At any rate, with time and distance with this, you will heal and the pain will go away.

 

My suggestion to you is dig into the guts of why you stayed in this situation for so long, why you put up with the abuse, why you kept going back, and where your "helper" instincts come from and how/why they translate to intimate feelings. You work in a psychiatric hospital, maybe you could talk to a psychologist there as well about this?

 

I did this after my situation and I really feel like I reached a new level of understanding about myself and relationships by doing so. I think when you wring some real positivity out of this situation like this you will feel better faster. Plus, it will likely help you tremendously for future relationships.

[ladyspirit]

Thanks for this insightful comment, Friscodj.

 

I think women in the helping professions are more likely to put their, ahem, "talent", into good (*&%?!!) use.

 

My co-workers know about the situation, because I really, really needed support and was freaking out about the whole thing. The day he told me he had a manic episode, I was in total disbelief. And I couldn't turn away. I was dating him, and although he had his weirdness, it hadn't yet translated into total hell. I loved him and, through good and bad ( I believed) one must be there if their partner is having trouble. But I have doubts about this now, in terms of "how much and how long and what one should stick around for".

My co-workers were a tremendous support.

 

I've learned so much about the experience, but it was the most difficult experience in my life. When he's not manic, he's the man I would have married. But....that's just like saying: when he doesn't drink, he's great.

The truth is, people are a package, and we can't compartmentalize them.

 

I wonder what you have experienced that is similar. If ever you don't want to share it on this thread, do PM me.

 

Ladyspirit

[lizziebee]

Hi Lady spirit, yeah I think we have all dated this person before. I know the feeling of WONDERING what is going on with him/her them.......learn from this, and I know you have learned a lot, and try to move just a little at a time away from this pain...Find some way to rid yourself not just from the pain but from the ghosts. You could not have fixed him....Nor I bet will she. So take care of you and rest easy.

[ladyspirit]

Thanks Lizziebee. Yeah, it makes me go a bit nuts to think that it may be working out with the other girl. I'm like, "that can't be?!?". I can't check...anyway...

The thing that kills me most is that he smokes pot and that worsens and may even have caused his condition. Pot is not as harmless as people think it is. So, I was desperately wanting him to stop, and he wouldn't ( he pretended he did, then I caught him stoned when he didn't expect it). But, when he met the other woman, he said "I stopped smoking". I was like : "All this time I wanted you to take care of your health, and NOW you're stopping?!!".....Ahhhhh...Stay calm...Just breaaathe....

 

But, life is full of surprises. His ways may and probably will backfire on him.

And time helps to heal, as we all know...

[lizziebee]

Oh babe, I can tell by the way you express yourself that you are a talented, intelligent woman who has been holding back her gifts to the world (as we know it) because you were obsessing over a stoner...I mean no offense at all to people that get high, I just could never appreciate the dull, paranoid feeling, although...shhhhhh...I know a few CT Dr.'s that light up! Anyway, dear Lady, I know what it is like to obsess and boy can we get creative! Use your creativity for something else, something for you or someone you love, sister, friend, mom or pop....shine your light girl!

[blender]

Yes, it's normal for you to be "confusing" your emotions with what you "hoped could be" with what it "actually was" with this guy.. but the good news is, you are NOW SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY, but it will not immediately erase all the emotions, hopes, dreams, and effort you invested in him, but that's okay, in time you will start re-investing this energy into yourself, into your own healing, and celebrate YOU...

 

go to link removed scroll down and read about "why we mourn the loss of an unhealthy relationship".. you might find it so very helpful... you will heal, grow past all this and be better for it, forgive yourself, and take this valuable opportunity to take care of YOU.

[ladyspirit]

Ha ha- yes, the dull, paranoid feeling...yep- can't stand it either....

 

Thanks again for all the advice. It's really helping

And thanks blender, I've checked the link and it sounds very insightful.

 

I went out for a friend's b-day tonight, and there was this gypsy tarot reader; she did tarot for me and it seems like ( I know I know, but I'd like to believe that it MAY be true!! It can't hurt) his life is still a mess and it's over or will soon be over with his new girl. She said he had important communication problems with everyone in his life. I was so thrilled!!! (I know I know, it's b.s., and I'm rejoicing over someone's pain, but, who cares!!! It deserve it!!! ha ha)

[Semid]

I know how you feel, and I've been there too.

 

I cant say for sure that he was having a manic episode. You can read the end of he story in "A trip to venice and...." but in two months he changed completely his mood. From being a nice, caring and lovely person, to a complete stranger to me.

 

He bought another bycicle, already has one, in spite that he lives alone, he started to have paddle tennis lessons and sky lessons (he is 52). Moving very fast everywhere and doing a lot of things at the same time.

 

A month ago, we were invited to a party at one of my friend's Birthday and he was acting very strange, extremely nice and funny. My friends are very nice, funny, and they love to perform and play games, everybody was having fun, but he was acting kind of .... in the verge. Over performing?. Lauging too loud, making a lot of jokes. (He knew them twice before) I was astonished, but didnt say a word. (red flag).

 

I have learned that you cant cure a mentally ill person, only proffessional help and medication. So I feel so sorry for you. Get up girl, you will overcome this soon.

[Mun]

I've had my cards read before and been told ' I don't like this guy for you'...shoulda listened to the lady. In fact, I can do my own cards but don't trust mysefl.... I may not be very objective. So I can understand why you went there... the need to know " inside" stuff... you want to be the fly on the wall over there...

 

Like I said, you're lucky you got away. Now it's time to best take care of yourself so that you move ahead. He needs more help than you can give him. You're a caring, wonderful person....he didn't even know it. He lost more than you did.

 

Keep your chin up.

[hol234]

Good Luck with things!!