What do you do about a girlfriend who is not open to sex but won't see a doctor?

[Box Diver]

I'm sure you guys have seen my threads before regarding my girlfriend.

 

If not, you'll get the jist here.

 

-We have sex once/month tops(with missionary only....and she uses phrases like "please finish already" "finish as fast as you can.")

-When I mention sex, she always gets mad....and does it ONLY as a favor for me

-She tried a blowjob on me once and said it was too big (I'm only 6.5 inches, not small, but not big). She will NOT perform oral sex on me

-She will not allow me to finger her or perform oral sex on her

 

She claims she has no libido. I told her we will see a doctor, and I will pay for ALL costs involved....because it's important to our relationship. She said sex is not important to her...and she's REFUSES to see a doctor...no matter what I say. She says that I have to respect the fact that she doesn't like sex. I said if she goes to a doctor, maybe the doctor can help...and that she is missing out. She says she doesn't care...won't go...and I neet to accept it.

 

Well...I want to marry this girl....but the only reason I haven't proposed yet is because of the sex. I could see if I was 60 years old my wife only giving me sex once/month....but we're 22 and 23 years old. I shouldn't have to feel guilty everytime I want to have sex. And hell...I shouldn't feel "not wanted" physically by my own girlfriend. I haven't pleased a girl in over 6 years. It's not that I'm not capable.....because I've done it before. She just won't experiment. And even if there's something wrong with her...she's stubborn and won't see a doctor.

 

What should I do? I've talked and talked and talked to her about this....literally hundreds of times. What is there left to do?

 

I really don't want to "threaten" to leave if she doesn't change her ways...but sometimes I feel like doing it.

[melrich]

Is there any hint that something/anything happened in her past to make her feel this way?

 

It's a big problem. Even bigger if she will not acknowledge it's a problem. So I think you need to get her to acknowledge it. And that may mean something along the lines of letting her know you cannot continue the relationship whilst this issue goes unaddressed.

[emma34]

Okay...I really hate to say this - but sex is pretty important to a relationships (as you obviously know), and while it would be very difficult to end a relationship on seemingly trivial terms...its not really as trivial as you might think. I know this sounds durastic, but if its a problem now - if you took the next step and got married, it wouldn't get better...maybe worse.

 

I mean, if you talked to her and talked to her about it - maybe its time to take another approach. I take it your trying to be very supportive. But lets face it, your a sexual person and she is not. Her libido is not 'normal'. Maybe you could make an appointment for a doctor yourself and ask for your girlfriend, but I don't know what the doctor can even do for you two other than making sure she is healthy and possibly perscribing libido enhancers she likely will not take.

 

I dont want to sound discouraging - but if she isn't willing to 'put out' in this relationsihp (sorry about the pun)...you might have to think about your alternatives.

[Scotcha]

Some people are asexual and don't desire sex. This may just be the way she is. Google it, see if it fits.

[kr356]

you can't force her to get help if she doesn't want it, and you can't force her to have sex more often, it's hard when you have a different sex drive from your partners, you are in a difficult position because from what you have said she has already decided that she doesn't have a problem and doesn't want sex more the once a month..

 

maybe feed her aphrodisiacs lol, it's easier to give advice to someone that just has a partner with a low sex drive, rather then a partner that seems so against sex

 

maybe there is a reason for it, maybe she has been abused in the past and she views sex in a negative way

[sweetheart21]

Um... there is like a huge chance that she has been sexually abused.

Have you asked her that?

The more you pressure her to have sex, the more she will pull away from you.

She has a negative view on sex and there must be a reason for it. Ask her about it.

[quietgrl]

Some people are asexual and don't desire sex. This may just be the way she is. Google it, see if it fits.

 

 

i have to agree with Scotcha on this one .I guess you have a 3 choice: live with limited sex, no sex or leave your girlfriend and get more sex from another woman.

[Box Diver]

Is there any hint that something/anything happened in her past to make her feel this way?

 

It's a big problem. Even bigger if she will not acknowledge it's a problem. So I think you need to get her to acknowledge it. And that may mean something along the lines of letting her know you cannot continue the relationship whilst this issue goes unaddressed.

 

We're pretty honest with each other...so I've straight out asked her...have you been molested or raped? I've asked her probably 5 times total (in the last couple of years) and she says no every time.

 

I realize I need to mention the "status" of the relationship being in jeopardy..but the weird thing is (if this makes any sense)...is that the relationship is perfect if you don't include the sex. Then again, it can't be so perfect, can it? I ask her if she's attracted to me sexually....and she says yes....says I have sexy eyes, sexy body, adorable face, etc. so it's strange.

 

while it would be very difficult to end a relationship on seemingly trivial terms...its not really as trivial as you might think. I know this sounds durastic, but if its a problem now - if you took the next step and got married, it wouldn't get better...maybe worse.

 

I've thought about it before, trust me. I know this sounds strange...but I can't see myself without this girl. I think I would regret breaking up with her everyday for the rest of my life.

 

I know not all women cheat, and I know not all women are "untrustable"(probably not a word)...but I know this girl would never cheat on me....and I could trust her with everything...and that means a lot.

 

But then I think of myself...should I really be using my right hand for pleasure...especially when I put all the time in for a relationship?

 

you can't force her to get help if she doesn't want it, and you can't force her to have sex more often, it's hard when you have a different sex drive from your partners, you are in a difficult position because from what you have said she has already decided that she doesn't have a problem and doesn't want sex more the once a month..

 

maybe feed her aphrodisiacs lol, it's easier to give advice to someone that just has a partner with a low sex drive, rather then a partner that seems so against sex

 

maybe there is a reason for it, maybe she has been abused in the past and she views sex in a negative way

 

I know I can't "force" her to get help....and I know I can't force her to have sex! Trust me...it's hard enough to have sex with someone who tells you to "get it over with." I went through a period of having slight Erectile Dysfunction because of it (i'm over it).

 

And as I said to someone else she's said time and time again she hasn't been abused. Even if she's lied to me (which I'm sure she hasn't)...how would I ever know?

[Box Diver]

Um... there is like a huge chance that she has been sexually abused.

Have you asked her that?

The more you pressure her to have sex, the more she will pull away from you.

She has a negative view on sex and there must be a reason for it. Ask her about it.

 

Read above posts.

 

And I've tried the "not pressuring her" to have sex. I've gone months without sex...but she doesn't bite. She won't initiate sex...it could be a year and she wouldn't. Her simple answer is "I don't like sex."

 

i have to agree with Scotcha on this one .I guess you have a 3 choice: live with limited sex, no sex or live your girlfriend and get more sex from another woman.

 

I've thought about option #3, but could never do it.

[Dako]

BD,

Put yourself in her shoes.

Her guy wants sex all the time, and she'd prefer him to want it far less.

Would you be willing to try medication to solve your problem?

 

My point is that you may both feel perfectly fine with your libidos, but just aren't compatible.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Maybe she just doesn't care at all about sex. Some people don't have a desire to have sex. You can not force her to have sex and you can not force her to go to the doctor. If she doesn't want to change it, she doesn't have to.

 

You need to decide if you want to stay with a non-sexual person or decide sex is too important a part of your life to stay with her.

[melrich]

is that the relationship is perfect if you don't include the sex. Then again, it can't be so perfect, can it?

 

I know what you are saying but sex is a pretty big thing. Especially as you say, you guys are in early 20s and imagine if you had to manage with this situation for the rest of your life.

 

I get that she does not see it as a problem and plenty of people do have low libido but I think the more worrying thing is her lack of acknowledgement that it's a problem for you and lack of motivation to attempt to do anything about it.

 

As Dako says, maybe at the end of the day you guys are not going to be compatable.

[sweetheart21]

Have you tried couples therapy or something similar? I dont think you should get married if you are having this problem. Maybe you could convince her to go by not saying that it is to do with sex. She probably feels like you're blaming her and wont want to go if she knows its about that.

 

Also does she have any illnesses? Is she anorexic? Is she on anti depressants? Does she take medication?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I know not all women cheat, and I know not all women are "untrustable"(probably not a word)...but I know this girl would never cheat on me....and I could trust her with everything...and that means a lot.

 

Didn't you have a thread saying you suspected her of cheating because her breasts were sore?

[kr356]

as I said, it's a hard situation you are in, i can tell that you dont want this relationship to end over this issue.. but if it's really bad, so bad that you seriously thinking of it, maybe it's the only option.

 

coming from a sexual abuse victim, no matter if you ask in a subtle way, or direct way, if she isn't ready to tell you if she has been raped or molested, then you won't know. and you can't know unless she tells you, like i said.. hard situation

 

I think you need to look at yourself, and make sure that you aren't constantly hounding her, or what she may feel as hounding her for sex, or about why she isn't into it very much.. i can only imagine what it would be like for someone to tell you to be quick.. only time i have been told to be quick was during a quickie..

 

i think you may need to just sit her down and have a talk with her, without getting angry, just listen to her reasons for not wanting it, ask if there is some kind of compromise you can do, ask if there are things she would like you do to that may help her get in the mood, sensual massages etc..

[Box Diver]

BD,

Put yourself in her shoes.

Her guy wants sex all the time, and she'd prefer him to want it far less.

Would you be willing to try medication to solve your problem?

 

My point is that you may both feel perfectly fine with your libidos, but just aren't compatible.

 

There's a difference though.

 

I'm not asking for sex everyday. Everyday is one thing...less than once a month is another.

 

I know what you are saying but sex is a pretty big thing. Especially as you say, you guys are in early 20s and imagine if you had to manage with this situation for the rest of your life.

 

I get that she does not see it as a problem and plenty of people do have low libido but I think the more worrying thing is her lack of acknowledgement that it's a problem for you and lack of motivation to attempt to do anything about it.

 

As Dako says, maybe at the end of the day you guys are not going to be compatable.

 

I agree that sex is a big thing....and I am imagining the situation for the rest of my life. In fact, that's the ONLY reason I haven't proposed to her.

 

If we're not compatible...I should probably just end it, right? It would be really hard to throw away 5+ years when I KNEW 2 years ago this was a problem. I'd probably punch myself in the face. I figured as time went on her hormones would change....I'm wrong so far.

 

Have you tried couples therapy or something similar? I dont think you should get married if you are having this problem. Maybe you could convince her to go by not saying that it is to do with sex. She probably feels like you're blaming her and wont want to go if she knows its about that.

 

Also does she have any illnesses? Is she anorexic? Is she on anti depressants? Does she take medication?

 

She won't go to couples therapy...and I'm not getting married until this is resolved.

 

No illnesses, medication ,etc.

 

Didn't you have a thread saying you suspected her of cheating because her breasts were sore?

 

Yes, but who wouldn't suspect it? We haven't had sex in nearly 2 months...and she's telling me she thinks she's pregnant. What else was I to think? I'm pretty sure she's not the 2nd coming of Mary.

[Box Diver]

i think you may need to just sit her down and have a talk with her, without getting angry, just listen to her reasons for not wanting it, ask if there is some kind of compromise you can do, ask if there are things she would like you do to that may help her get in the mood, sensual massages etc..

 

I've sat her down more times than I can remember. Everytime she says "I don't want to talk about this," "why do we have to talk about this every month" (it's probably every 3-5 months)

[CarnelianButterfly]

Maybe she's just not into you.

 

If you keep badgering her about sex, I'm sure she's gotten mad about it to the point it's become even more of a chore.

 

Have you tried not saying anything, just leaving her alone.

[melrich]

If we're not compatible...I should probably just end it, right?

 

Well maybe but wht I really meant was does she really know how big of an issue this is for you. For example if you sat down with her and told her that you really could not see a long term future for you two because of the sex issue, how do you think she would respond? Would she know it is that big an issue for you? Would she know it was a threat to your relationship?

[DN]

It seems you have been patient and as understanding as you can - and that you have tried everything to get this issue resolved but she is simply not interested in sex or discovering why she isn't. I doubt that giving her an ultimatum would work because she would be doing it for the wrong reasons and it would be unlikely to last.

 

If sex is as important to you as it is to most people then I think you have to realise that this relationship isn't going to work for you. It is hard to accept that reality but I think you must.

[Box Diver]

Maybe she's just not into you.

 

If you keep badgering her about sex, I'm sure she's gotten mad about it to the point it's become even more of a chore.

 

Have you tried not saying anything, just leaving her alone.

 

Then why has she been with me over 5 years?

 

I've tried to "not say anything" for a couple months at a time...but how long should I leave it alone? For a year at a time? I think by doing that, I'm telling her it's okay to not be sexual and that I agree with and and don't care (not the case).

 

Well maybe but wht I really meant was does she really know how big of an issue this is for you. For example if you sat down with her and told her that you really could not see a long term future for you two because of the sex issue, how do you think she would respond? Would she know it is that big an issue for you? Would she know it was a threat to your relationship?

 

She knows it's an issue.

 

Now, if I said that to her...she would probably break down and cry. She would also take it as an "ultimatum." That's where it's difficult for me. How do I say to her that I can't see a long term relationship without sex without basically meaning "either we start having sex, or this isn't going to workout?" (without obviously saying that second part)

[melrich]

She would also take it as an "ultimatum." That's where it's difficult for me. How do I say to her that I can't see a long term relationship without sex without basically meaning "either we start having sex, or this isn't going to workout?" (without obviously saying that second part)

 

Well I think you've tried everything else and frankly I just don't think she is "getting" it.

 

Fact is, from what you post, you guys are totally incompatable in terms of sex drive. I think she has a right to know that this is probably a deal breaker for you and then she can go about making some decisions based on that.

 

In a way it is an ultimatum but I don't see that she has given you much choice. She' not willing to try anything else you have suggested so where else do you go from here?

[pacman]

I think this is spot on. There may be something more to this than she is telling you.

 

This problem is more than about sex. It shows she is not even willing to work with you on this. She wont even make an effort to see a therapist or doctor to try to see if there is anything wrong. It could be anything from her being a rape victim or a simple hormonal issue. She is not being open with you and you have a right to that with someone you expect to marry.

[Box Diver]

Well I think you've tried everything else and frankly I just don't think she is "getting" it.

 

Fact is, from what you post, you guys are totally incompatable in terms of sex drive. I think she has a right to know that this is probably a deal breaker for you and then she can go about making some decisions based on that.

 

In a way it is an ultimatum but I don't see that she has given you much choice. She' not willing to try anything else you have suggested so where else do you go from here?

 

Thanks for all of your thoughtful posts so far (realized I haven't thanked you).

 

I realize our sex drives are different....I just want her to see a doctor about it, you know what I mean? If there seriously is something wrong with her (if she was abused, if she has low libido, etc). I would be 100% understanding about our sex life. I really would, and I mean that. It's just difficult that she won't make any attempts. If we broke up....and I found out later that she was sexually abused/had low libido...I would be crushed.

 

With the ultimatum thing....I just hate feeling like "that guy." I have a sister a year younger than me....and If a guy told my sister (in some form or another), "if you don't have sex with me more, I'm breaking up with you," I'd be a little upset.

 

I hate this position I'm in though. Should I just use the ultimatum (though it's against what I think I should do)? Is there a way I can put it so that it doesn't seem like an ultimatum?

 

I posted this in another thread, but I did tell her once that a relationship without sex is a friendship...and she cried for about 30 minutes saying she can't believe I said that...asking if I thought she was just a friend, etc. I took back the comment later.

[melrich]

"if you don't have sex with me more, I'm breaking up with you," I'd be a little upset.

 

I agree but that is not the message you should be giving her. As I said before, to me the problem is not that she's not having sex with you (well it is but there are obviously reasons for that) the problem is she refuses to explore any reasons for her low libido, refuses to even acknowledge it as a problem.

 

So the "ultimatum" is not about the fact that she won't have sex with you, it's about that fact taht she's not acknowledging that it's a problem for you and she is refusing to see if anything can be done about it.