Communication Is Key!!!!

[Openheart1]

I tell ya, i get so frustrated hearing about people and whether they will get back together or not while playing these NC games. It seems that people are so scared nowadays, including myself when I broke up with my girlfriend, because people are afraid of difficult emotional talks with one another. They play games with one another, hoping the other person will do something that won't offend them and vice versa all the while noone has a clue what the other person actually thinks of feels!! If someone doesn't want to be with you, then they won't be with you. If they do, then they will. But it all requires communication and honesty! My former girlfriend and I had a great deal of trouble communicating because we were so afraid of hurting the other person. For me, I didn't want to push her away, which made me restrict my actual feelings. For her, she didn't want to hurt me further, thus restricting what she actually thought about the situation. We would constantly hide from one another and it ended up destroying us because noone was clear about the other person actually thought! Fear, in essense, drove our relationship, not honest communication. In today's society, fear is drilled into our psyche, thus it is no surprise that people break up, divorce, and consistently screw up. So, in the end, the advice is to SPEAK YOUR MIND AND EXPRESS YOUR ACTUAL FEELINGS! Period.

[shikashika]

great post!

I'm so tired of saying things.. or not saying things.. to try and 'manipulate' someone else's feelings into what they might be thinking or not thinking.. or trying to decipher the million and one self-help books out there that are just designed to make asomeone rich anyway

[Smith9108]

NC is about healing. Using no Contact with a broken heart is like putting a cast on a broken leg. Sure you can't use it right now but you give it time to heal before you run a marathon or even walk around the block. If a dumper really wants you back, they WILL fight hard to get you back, because they left in the first place. If they give up the first time you don't answer their call, it shows they were just trying to use you, not genuinely regretting their decision. And while communication is the key of a healthy relationship, sometimes the dumper has already stopped really communication. Before you break up with someone, you tend to get over them as much as possible before you do, to save yourself from some of the hurt. So anything said by the dumpee is likely to be ignored. Besides, you can't miss something until its gone.

[shikashika]

... and I TOTALLY agree with you about NC.. Ive been dumped.. I've been hurt... but NC isn't the answer.. always..

 

well it wasn't for me anyway

 

(i'm actually anti Nc.. but I may get banned on this board for saying that.. is ''anti-NC' a bad word???

 

 

I agree you have to communicate even if its hard

 

All these things like waiting to call.. only answer if he calls you.. be aloof.. pretend you are busy....pretend you have somewhere to go.... wait 3 days before returning an email.. delete all their phone numbers from your phone.. bla bla bla bla

 

Everyone should just be HONEST!!!!!!!!

[Smith9108]

I agree that people should be honest, but often the dumper does not allow open communication, because they have already given up on the relationship. One point of NC is to not be the crying, groveling, begging, pitiful creature that most of us become after being dumped. NC helps the dumpee prepare for open, honest communication, not permanately avoid it

[Batya33]

I think that honesty has to be balanced with tact, thoughtfulness and timing - spilling your guts just because you feel like it with no regard for whether your partner is ready to hear it, is preoccupied, would be unnecesarily hurt might be honest but it's not loving.

[shikashika]

just to add... whenever I was trying not to contact someone who dumped me.. I felt horrible.. I felt angry, I felt like bursting into tears... when I did contact him and was friendly and personable.. I felt like a 10000 pound weight had been lifted off me

 

So for some, NC may be for 'healing themselves'' it certainly wasn't for me.

[Dako]

I tell ya, i get so frustrated hearing about people and whether they will get back together or not while playing these NC games. .

 

Some troubled people interpret NC as being a method of coaxing the ex to return. In that case, the person should approach the ex honestly and attempt reconciliation, since any chance will be lost otherwise.

 

What puzzles me are those who define a breakup as a temporary setback, sleep with the ex, date them and still say they're broken up. That's not a breakup, it's a lover's spat.

 

If it's truly over, NC is the way to get over it and let go. It's no game, it's a way to minimize the damage when it's over for good.

[mease87]

But then how long should i wait to contact her and tell her how i feel and see how she is. its been about a month since the breakup and about 2 weeks maybe 2 and a half weeks of NC. still too soon to contact her? should i give it another month?

 

Half the time in my head is " if i dont contact her soon she will forget about me and it will be too hard for her to respond because she is getting better and doesnt want to ruin what she has going plus shes too scard to contact me"

 

 

and the other half is " If she really loved me or wants me to be in her life in anyway she will contact me and not to worry about it.

 

Cause if she wanted me in her life she would eventually contact me right? or do you think being scared and nerves would prevent this?

 

 

Right now ive excepted alot of thing, how some things might be and some things might never.

 

 

The things that are bothering me right now and i dont know what to do about them are

 

* Should i block her from AIM and myspace so she doesnt know what im doing ect ( maybe she will wonder what im up to and contact me, if she knows what im doing all the time and knows whats up in my life she might not have any desire to talk to me)

 

* Should i contact her in another month or should i never contact her until she contacts me. cause she would contact me if she wanted me in her life and if she doesnt then she doesnt.

 

 

So people say to show her your ok without her , like put up away messages when your out and places, and others say block her from everyting... im so confused

[Dako]

mease87,

 

That's what I mean. If you really want to reconcile, talk to her and be upfront with your feelings. She may go either way, but you'll know where you stand. If it's over, you'll know. That's the point where NC is of value, not as a way to pique her curiosity, but to get past the real breakup.

 

If she agrees to getting back together, there you are.

 

Living in limbo waiting for a sign is no solution at all.

[mease87]

But shouldnt i wait alittle longer to talk to her, its only been a month since the breakup. isnt that too soon . i feel like she would just ignore my instant messages because its too hard or just doesnt want to because everything is going fine.

[Dako]

It's understandable to fear further rejection.

If she ignores you after a month, you think another month would reel her in? If I were you, I'd call her to see if it's truly over.

[Smith9108]

the best thing to do is genuinely move on. See the relationship as over, and that she lost you. The fact that you care enough to be this hurt shows that you are probably a great guy, and if she doesn't care enough to contact you then she is not worth your time. So move on with life, my friend. Be happy without her, even though you still love her. If she decides she wants you back, let her do it on her own. If this happens, she will overcome any obstacle to contact you. Calling you once and not leaving a voicemail is one thing. Calling an leaving a sobby voicemail of how badly she messed up and how she would do anything to get another chance is another. Then the power is in your hands, and you can make the decision. Don't you deserve to bergged and pleaded for? Aren't you worth fighting tooth and nail over? Of course you are!! Now start acting like it, man. Show her that you don't need her by not needing her! Be happy and enjoy being single- it does have its perks.

[mease87]

I agree with both of you. Im just worried about her never talking to me agian. i have excepted that we probly wont be together agian, But she is a great person still and i want to be her friend. and if she doesnt contact me or talk to me, it will just make me feel so horrible. like i meant nothing, and she doesnt care about me at all. and i know i didnt do anything horible to her.

 

 

i just want to write an email to her saying what i need to say and leave it at that. the only thing is ill always be wondering if she ever got it.

[Smith9108]

If she never contacts you, its not because she doenst care or that you meant nothing to her. Perhaps not contacting you is her way of coping with how badly she has hurt you. Or perhaps she wants to maintain her good memories of you, I have too few details to know. One day, the two of you will be friends, but right now I don't really think you're ready for that. Just keep healing, and keep smiling, my friend. You deserve better than this!

[Openheart1]

Mease, your questions are valid and appropriate. However, that is exactly my point. There are so many people out there who assume they must carry the burden of uncertainty while their partner is "out there" not knowing what you think. My post applied to both dumpers and dumpees. All too often being a dumper or dumpee means that you must cut all contact to further pain, humiliation, etc. However, my point is that people get all caught up in those "oh my god, what will happen" instead of finding out what ACTUALLY does happen! We are so predisposed in today's society to ignore what is difficult and find the easiest way out. If someone truly cares for you, they do not just phase you out nor do they keep secrets about how they feel. Keeping secrets is so devastating. But then, someone may ask me, "Well, if you reveal yourself too soon, to heavily, etc. that person will just be turned off." In effect, that person would be turned off to you because you are no longer a secret or "mysterious" as I've seen on this board. That is game playing to the nth degree! It is all so simple. You reveal yourself is step one. Now that may take a few weeks or so to get to a point of clarity, not necessarily unemotional.

 

All too often, people assume that having a clear head and being unemotional are the same thing. It is NOT the case. For me, being human means you are emotional!! If the other person is not capable or does not want to deal with your emotions and claims that they care for you, then that is a contradiction in terms. People who care for each other feel a great deal of obligation in not only DEALING with each other's emotions, but also attempts to UNDERSTAND them.

 

My ex-girlfriend once said to me after we broke up that she was uncertain if she would ever talk to me again. Then, one day she called me. After a few weeks of remaining in LC, I felt that my needs weren't being met and that she was distant and uncommunicative. Over time, it became worse from my perceptive, though from hers it was perceived as needy or annoying, I'm not sure which since she never revealed herself too much. In effect, she was merely keeping in contact and DEALING with my emotional state, while not really engaging it in order to UNDERSTAND it. She basically gave up the relationship because it was too hard, which ended up driving me away since I was incapable of dealing with my needs not being met. The problem, ultimately, was that our understanding of each other's needs was not being clearly expressed by either side. When I broached the topic of my feelings, or going through the process of trying to accept the breakup while remaining in touch, she would always start pulling away. For instance, I would remember some nice moments in our relationship. Instead of letting me vent and deal with the breakup in my own way, she would pull back. Why? Most likely because she didn't want to hurt me further or felt guilty or both. In essense, she pulled back without asking WHY I was remembering those moments. She would never match my sentiments because she was afraid of what it meant. Instead of asking what my ramblings meant, she ASSUMED that I wanted to be back together. She ASSUMED my state was something negative, so she retreated instead of trying to understand!

 

So you see all, some people are not built for emotional maturity at the time that it is most needed. I suppose that is what growing up is all about. People who genuinely care for one another do not abandon someone else when things get difficult or challenging. All too often, we like to rationalize our behavior as justified because it makes us feel good without any conscious attempt to understand its impact on someone else. My biggest lesson after I broke up was how incredibly painful and agonizing caring about my ex-girlfriend's feelings to the degree that it put me into a mild depression. I would constantly care so much that I put myself into a secondary position and restricted my thoughts and feelings for the sake of her. Never again.

 

I feel as if I have rambled, but I hope my words give at least some understanding to what I truly mean. Rest assured, if someone wants to be in your life because they care for you, that necessarily entails that they are also someone to understand and empathize with you. It does not mean they run when things get difficult emotionally. Of course, if abuse and drugs, etc. get in the way, then that is another matter all together and for another posting. Good night.

[Openheart1]

Correction:

 

"All too often being a dumper or dumpee means that you must cut all contact to further pain, humiliation, etc."

 

I meant "to stop further pain, humiliation, etc."

[Openheart1]

Smith,

 

I do not agree with your idea of she cares for him, but chooses not to have him in her life. That is plain crap. If she cares for him, she will be straight up with not only her feelings, but at least try to accommodate his. Ignoring someone and making up fantasies about her still caring about him only makes us feel better because it justifies it!!

[papalazarou]

I wouldnt want to be friends with someone who has dumped me. Being dumped hurts harder than being hit by a truck. But hey we are still friends and I secretly hope we may get back together so I will take another beating.

 

I also would not expect anyone to want to be my friend if I dumped them. Why should they be after I hurt them?

 

The only caveat to this is if it was a MUTUAL breakup.

[Biffy]

I agree with everyone to a degree.

 

With my own specific situation - I tried to change my ex's mind a couple of times in the first week or so of our break up. And then limited contact for another month or so - essentially pretending to be ok with the whole thing but that LC was ripping me up inside so I asked once more if she's like to try again - she politely declined.... and it's been NC ever since.

 

She still tries to contact me once a week or maybe once a fortnight but I ignore it... I'm not doing it to play games to change her mind or to "punish her" it's just what I have to do to move on.

 

Why does she still keep trying to speak to me? I have no idea but if she wanted to get back together I'm sure she'd make it vehemently clear.

 

The way I see it, if I'm still reading between the lines of what contact she sends my way then I'm not ready to speak to her.

[papalazarou]

In a nutshell this is an excellent summary!

[Smith9108]

Smith,

 

I do not agree with your idea of she cares for him, but chooses not to have him in her life. That is plain crap. If she cares for him, she will be straight up with not only her feelings, but at least try to accommodate his. Ignoring someone and making up fantasies about her still caring about him only makes us feel better because it justifies it!!

 

Her behavior doesn't prove that she doesn't care about him. She is most likely too emotionally immature to handle the situation. Either she doen't know how to handle it (rather unlikely) or she's not ready to face the guilt of how badly she has hurt him. True, the way she is acting is in no way helping the situation, but it doesn't mean she just doesn't care. Some people are are simply not ready to truly care forsomeone on the level you're talking about.

 

And another thing- It is ok for someone who was recently dumped to try and justify what has happened. It is also very common for a dumpee to fantasize and keep a lot of hope for reconsiliation, at least at the beginning. It helps a person deal with a massive amount of emotion one piece at a time. I mean, a dumper gets the time to deal with it at his or her own pace, why should a dumpee have to cope within 5 minutes?

[macgyver4ever]

Communication was the real root of my break up. She was always affraid to tell me how she felt or wanted, because she didn't want to hurt me. She would then resent me for not knowing what she wanted, and never doing anything she wanted to do. This resentment lead to her no longer feeling "in love" with me and drew her to another guy who complimented her constantly and told her how funny she was.

 

While trying to fix our problems, communication was still the biggest issue because would not talk to me on the phone, and would never see me. When we would talk, she would never really say how she felt or what she wanted. I never got the truth from her.

 

She was a communication major.

[Zaphod]

Communication was the real root of my break up. She was always affraid to tell me how she felt or wanted, because she didn't want to hurt me. She would then resent me for not knowing what she wanted, and never doing anything she wanted to do. This resentment lead to her no longer feeling "in love" with me

 

I've just had a very similar situation. It's no - win isn't it . Although mine hasn't gravitated towards another fella yet ( to my knowledge) and claims this is the "last thing she's looking for atm" I suspect this is complete b/s and she'll be with someone else within a short period of time.

 

I think it's unfair to not give someone a chance to change then proclaim that your love for them has vanished - it's just not the way to run a successful relationship IMHO. You do actually have to give the other person at least ONE chance to improve.

[macgyver4ever]

My ex felt that she gave me a second chance, and when she did, I changed. I was completely devoted to her and revolved my life around hers. She didn't do the same. She saw this as a weakness and kept seeing someone else while we were together. I would confront her about this, and she would get angry at me for even suggesting it. I was right though, so the lies now kill me.