Go out with her or so "No Thanks!"

[Orlander]

Hi all,

 

I met a woman last week and have been talking to her about getting together for a date. I need some advice.

 

We really started talking over this weekend. We had plans on meeting up tonight for dinner. However, there were some things that were said that brought up some red flags.

 

1. She just broke up with her ex boyfriend who lives out of town. They split for good last week.

 

2. I asked her if she thought there was hope for reconcilation and she said she didnt know but they lives 4 hours away from each other now and he broke up with her.

 

3. She broke our date tonight to go see a couple of guy friends she knows perform a concert. (said she forgot about it till today)

 

4. We planned to get together tomorrow night but later in the conversation told me she will need to plan for another time because that's the night her favorite tv shows are on.

 

5. Sent me a picture of herself...which included her in a bikini standing next to her boyfriend. She sent it because it was the only picture she had around.

 

We talked for about 2 hours and she asked me practicallly nothing about myself. We talked about her and her job, family, friends, etc. We had a good conversation, laughed a lot and she seems to have a good head on her shoulders with some good qualities that I'm looking for in someone.

 

However, my gut tells me not to even bother and not call her again. What do you guys think?

 

 

Orlander

[Portage]

Hmmmm. She sounds a little scattered if you don't mind me saying so, maybe if you are looking to get some dates under your belt, just doesn't sound like a future 50/50 partner.

 

However, if it is just for a fun time i see no harm in it. I've also learned that going with your gut has always worked out for me in the long run.

[deejay74]

hmmm, my gut is sensing something here too...

 

firstly, she just got out of a relationship and isn't sure they'll reconcile and she's the dumpee. this could very well turn out to be a "rebound" attempt.

 

she breaks of the date and isn't sure about the next day because of her tv shows?? does she have tivo, a vcr, or something that can record her show? if her show is available on iTunes, she can watch it the next day usually. i feel that's a weak excuse. did she offer another day, then? if not, another red flag for me.

 

she sends a pic of herself in a bikini. well, if it was JUST her, then i wouldn't feel concerned. but it's with her ex BF! c'mon! another red flag.

 

and she asked almost nothing about you. i am sensing she's pretty self-centered.

 

depending on how much you like her, i'd give her a second chance just to see if there are any more red flags that appear. but if you're not that into her anyway, i say move on to someone else.

 

i hope this helps.

[heloladies21]

Good for you on getting back out there by the way. Keep at it with other girls and you'll get this down in no time.

2. I asked her if she thought there was hope for reconcilation and she said she didnt know but they lives 4 hours away from each other now and he broke up with her.

I'm not sure why you asked her this? Cause when I'm talking to a girl, the last thing I want to know about are the other guys in her life. It's one thing if she brings it up (as a test to see how you'll handle it), but nothing good can come from asking her this at this point. Basically, this is the kind of question a friend would ask another friend, questions about her love life. It sends her a weird vibe if you're trying to be romantic with her, but asking about her situations with other guys. This is probably one of the things that pushed you to the backburner when she checked her calandar.

 

If I did ask a girl something like this (other guys), I would fully expect that I would have to show some jealousy and possessiveness after she started talking about it. Or if she brought it up, I would confront her on it and ask her why she's telling me this stuff. You only want to know if she's single. Then you have an open door to proceed.

 

3. She broke our date tonight to go see a couple of guy friends she knows perform a concert. (said she forgot about it till today)

You gotta tease her about this. Like mildly make fun of her about it. Cause if you just accept it completely with no resistance or consequence, she's gonna get the impression that you have no self confidence and ability to stick up for yourself. You want to let her know that you notice the fact that she's kind of dissing you, but you don't take it so seriously. You dothis by mildly making fun of her about it.

 

4. We planned to get together tomorrow night but later in the conversation told me she will need to plan for another time because that's the night her favorite tv shows are on.

That's a lame excuse. Same here, you need to rip on her about it. Come on, favorite TV shows??? If you just say "OK, maybe some other time then" (click), then you lose out on an opportunity to show you're something more than the rest because this is the way most guys would handle things.

 

5. Sent me a picture of herself...which included her in a bikini standing next to her boyfriend. She sent it because it was the only picture she had around.

Again, I'd show some kind jealousy about something like this. This was another test.

 

We talked for about 2 hours and she asked me practicallly nothing about myself.

Until she becomes interested in you above the superficial level, she won't ask you any questions about yourself. It's up to you to show her that you're something different and can capture her interest. You're on the right track and didn't do bad, but this is a tough game out there and girls are very finicky (which they should be) about who they get involved with so your "game" has to be air tight.

[DizzyDoris]

Sorry orlander but everything you said in your post answered your own question really. She must be mad to choose a tv show over dinner with you!

 

Ditch her, fly over to the uk and i'll take you for dinner instead lol

[Aurian]

We really started talking over this weekend. We had plans on meeting up tonight for dinner. However, there were some things that were said that brought up some red flags.

 

1. She just broke up with her ex boyfriend who lives out of town. They split for good last week.

 

That's a wee bit fast... I think you might be a rebound date.

 

2. I asked her if she thought there was hope for reconcilation and she said she didnt know but they lives 4 hours away from each other now and he broke up with her.

 

Ambivalent is also pretty bad too. Might have thought better of it if it was a resounding no, but she sounds like she might go running back to him.

 

3. She broke our date tonight to go see a couple of guy friends she knows perform a concert. (said she forgot about it till today)

 

Okay, that doesn't bother me. I'm afraid I can be a bit of a flake myself sometimes and forget if I have an appointment or meeting, and I always commit to the one made first.

 

4. We planned to get together tomorrow night but later in the conversation told me she will need to plan for another time because that's the night her favorite tv shows are on.

 

Now, this bothers me. Now you have a pattern of two broken dates and the second one is for a very lame reason. My fav TV show is House. I love the show. Watch it every week. But if a guy I was interested in asked me out, I'd say "Screw House!"

 

5. Sent me a picture of herself...which included her in a bikini standing next to her boyfriend. She sent it because it was the only picture she had around.

 

Ugh, don't like this at all. She seems to be showing him off to you for some reason (trying to make you jealous?). She could not send the picture at all or crop him out. Games... ugh.

 

We talked for about 2 hours and she asked me practicallly nothing about myself. We talked about her and her job, family, friends, etc. We had a good conversation, laughed a lot and she seems to have a good head on her shoulders with some good qualities that I'm looking for in someone.

 

Seems a bit self centred then... she might just be a taker...

 

However, my gut tells me not to even bother and not call her again. What do you guys think?

 

All of the above, don't bother to call her. Also, listen to your gut. Its gonna be right most of the time, especially since you have reasons to back it up...

[longhaircats]

One week after break up? Oh yes, she is rebounding.

 

All things you pointed out here seem red flags to me, and you don't have to be so nice to this person since she cancelled on you twice already. It's rude. It's wise to save your date money for someone else.

 

She is so blind not to see the big fish in front of her! Gracefully release her back into her little backyard pond and you go back fishing in a big ocean!

 

Good luck.

[Orlander]

Thank you everyone. I'm not going to call her or email her again. If she is interested in talking or getting together in the future and I am not doing anything then I might consider getting together, but Im not going to pursue her romantically. Too many red flags and I deserve better.

 

Thanks especially to helloladies. I see the mistakes I should have made while on the phone with her. I'm sure this woman is just hurting right now, but yeap, I'm not going to be a rebound.

 

DizzyDoris, nothing would be more appealing to me than coming to the UK. I've always wanted to go.

 

Orlander

[Iceman26]

Your gut was right on this one! Keep at it though Orlander!

 

# 2, 3, & 4 would have done it for me.

 

#2 - I can't blame you for asking this one. I probably would have too. From my point of view I wouldn't want to waste my time and money on someone that may just be hanging out until their ex wants to get back together with them.

 

#3 - Red flag. She could have asked you to go to the concert as a date.

 

#4 - Yeah its called Tivo. Get it. On top of that if she is more interested in TV shows I don't know about you but that would indicate a low interest level to me.