Do I have relationship problems?

[JourneyMan]

I can't really say I have relationships in the first place, to have relationships problems. I am a 26 year old male, I am currently at college and most of my time is spent studying, surfing on the internet and just thinking in my quiet space. I have a few hobbies as well like martial arts and going to the gym.

 

Although I am interacting with people everyday, I can't really say I have any friends, I don't even know what the word means. There are people I talk to, hang out with at with college, but I don't know them outside of college. Similarily, I talk with people at clubs, but I don't know them outside of the club.

 

I spend my holidays and festivals on my own. I have only dated, perhaps once or twice in my life, and I have had only one proper girlfriend, and that relationship did not last beyond a month. She was my only sexual partner in my life. I can't really say I know what "love" is.

 

I have never been to a night club, and rarely have gone to a pub. I go to the cinema on my own.

 

I don't really know how to behave with other people, I feel awkward and out of place. It's much worse in groups.

 

Should I be living life without having relationships or intimacy in my life? Is this a serious problem I am having here? How should I address it?

[isisastaria]

I just happen to have two kids. I feel the same way, but it is not uncommon for people to get isolated when they do.

 

You are obviously in a different life situation than I am. Research seems to show a trend in college students and isolation. Everyone came from somewhere else (most of the time). It can be rare to see an old school friend if you've travelled to a new location.

 

The dating thing is a little suspicious, but all the answers lie in yourself. You know all the answers to the very question you are asking. I think you just need to look at and accept them.

 

Does the opposite sex make you feel embarrassed? Do you have a lot of anxiety around girls? Shyness is NOT something WRONG with you. As a matter of fact, many girls appreciate a guy who isn't boisterous or loud. ( My fiancee claims he is shy and didn't have a serious gf until he met me a few years ago).

 

Look at how YOU feel about the situation and what YOU need. You are asking the question, so to me it seems you do have a void there.

 

I have a homework assignment for you...look at all the definitions of "intimacy"

 

Then ask yourself, "Would being intimate with another human being (particularly female) scare me?" Then ask yourself, "Do I know how to do that?"

[isisastaria]

By the way, holidays alone? Where are your parents? I can relate to that one too!!

[JourneyMan]

Does the opposite sex make you feel embarrassed? Do you have a lot of anxiety around girls? Shyness is NOT something WRONG with you. As a matter of fact, many girls appreciate a guy who isn't boisterous or loud. ( My fiancee claims he is shy and didn't have a serious gf until he met me a few years ago).

 

In fact people in general can make me feel anxious. It is rare for me to behave as confidently and comfortably as I would in my comfort zone i.e., on my own. But yes women in particular do make me more anxious.

 

I do have a void. I do not feel complete, because of the obvious lack of intimacy in life. I envy those I see who do have intimacy and relationships in life.

 

But I don't know where to start to address that?

[talo]

I do have a void. I do not feel complete, because of the obvious lack of intimacy in life. I envy those I see who do have intimacy and relationships in life.

 

But I don't know where to start to address that?

 

As seen here, you start to be more intimate by sharing your feelings with others. You may be sharing thoughts (theories, ideas, opinions) but not feelings.

 

We become more confident in sharing ourself, our feelings, by (increasingly) sharing our feeling in a caring way.

[JourneyMan]

As seen here, you start to be more intimate by sharing your feelings with others. You may be sharing thoughts (theories, ideas, opinions) but not feelings.

 

We become more confident in sharing ourself, our feelings, by (increasingly) sharing our feeling in a caring way.

 

So how do you share feelings? This may sound like a stupid question, but seriously, I don't seem to have any concept of feelings, other than fear and anxiety, because I experience that everyday.

 

I think I have a lot of pent-up emotion, and I have no idea how to release that.

[talo]

So how do you share feelings? This may sound like a stupid question, but seriously, I don't seem to have any concept of feelings, other than fear and anxiety, because I experience that everyday.

 

I think I have a lot of pent-up emotion, and I have no idea how to release that.

 

How do you share feelings? By being feeling, and expressing these in a feeling way.

 

You say you think you have a lot of pent up emotion. You mean that you have a lot of feelings bottled up and that this is not making you feel too good? Perhaps making you annoyed or angry at perhaps inappropriate times?

 

As seen here one stops bottling feelings by talking about how we are feeling as the feelings occur, aka expressing feeling.

[JourneyMan]

How do you share feelings? By being feeling, and expressing these in a feeling way.

 

And how do you do that ?

 

I am serious when I say I have no concept of feelings. I don't how to express them, I don't even have a vocabulary of feelings. I can't even remember the last time I was happy.

[talo]

You do not know how it feels to laugh, cry, be upset, be in pain, be lonely, be angry, be annoyed, be excited...?

[JourneyMan]

You do not know how it feels to laugh, cry, be upset, be in pain, be lonely, be angry, be annoyed, be excited...?

 

Okay I do, but I think being unable to emotionally express myself is more deeper than that. You said sharing feelings with people, and feeling, and this is something I cannot do.

 

The only emotion I feel when with people is anxiety, and any laughter I do, is nervous laughter. Which I why I said I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Hence, why I avoid relationships, and don't even know how to develop a relationship with somebody.

 

How do I free myself to be emotional with others? How does one share feelings?

 

I hold back all my feelings from people. Nobody even knows that I go through this, they seem to find me confident, intelligent and sociable. I am afraid to actually show feeling, because it will make me vulnerable, and some feelings I don't think would be helpful to disclose e.g.,

 

A group of people are talking, they seem to ignore me, I feel perturbed that I am being ignored, do I tell them, or just pretend to be interested in what they're talking about?

 

Somebody says something "funny" I do not really feel it was funny, do I laugh anyway?

 

Somebody says something that I felt belittled me, or was a joke at my expense, I did not really like it, should I just remain quiet, I don't want to look overly sensitive now, do I?

 

I am saying something, and somebody interrupts me and cuts me short, I feel as if i've been choked, should I just tell them not to interrupt me, and risk being seen as arrogant and difficult?

 

We are having a group conversation, I have something to share, I speak, but nobody heard me and by the time there is an opening to to chime in, the conversation is over or changed track. I feel as if whatever I wanted to say was not important enough. Do I just let it lye, or say what I wanted to say?

 

I want to say something, but I am having difficulty collecting and articulating my thoughts, there are pauses, and each pause is making me feel anxious and self-conscious. I feel I am wasting the time of my partner, and try to quickly finish what I am saying. Should I have just gone on, said everything I wanted to say, despite all the pauses?

 

Somebody has said said something to me which feels cold, or seems to be a bit off with me in their body language, but nothing has overtly been said. Do I just attribute to it an overly speculative mind, and dismiss it, or do I ask them, if they really are being cold with me?

 

Maybe you are getting an idea of what I go through everyday now, and why it feels so awkward to engage with others. I cannot relax, because my mind is constantly active, I am analysing everything before me, every factor, every nuance, and constantly having to repress my feelings. It's a struggle, both internally and externally.