I think I have hit bottom

[diverp]

Sorry in advance if this is a long post. I am sitting at work today, Saturday. I really feel like I have hit rock bottom. I am 36. I took a job in 2002 after graduating from an engineering college. I was highly sought after for this position. I moved here with my father and am looking after him (he is 76). I dated a bit when I moved here. I came accross some interresting dates, none that I would want to be with long term. I had a bad relationship with one woman for a year. She was bipolar (as was her mother) and was hard to live with. In this time frame, I fear that I wanted a relationship so bad that I put up with a lot and treated those close to me not as nicely as I think i should have.

 

We split up, then I just didn't date for a while. Then I met my now wife. We had some things in common. She liked to be outdoors. She had a horse. We dated for about a year and I proposed. We were married in May 2005. We have a daughter who was born this last August. She is big part of my life.

 

Starting just before my wife told me she was pregnant, I was having difficulty living with my wife. She would not help around the house at all. Most of my time was spent with her and her horse (its okay once in a while, but not every day). My days seemed to be planned out by her. There were plenty of little things that were really coming to the surface and bugging me about her. I assumed that was normal marriage. Then, the pregnancy was difficulty mostly because of her family. Once my daughter was born, her family would butt in a lot. Mostly her mom, who I don't really like that much anyways.

 

Of course, during this time, my wife did even less around the house and to help. Also, we agreed that being a stay at home mom would be better for our daughter. So, my wife quite her job.

 

Now, when we got married, and we started to merge our accounts, etc., my wife disclosed to me that she had a fair amount of debt (about 50k worth). We also racked up a fair amount of debt for the wedding, etc. So, I refinanced my house and tacked an easy 100k on top of the old amount to pay that stuff off. I hate that we had to do that to be honest.

 

So, doing that made our monthly mortgage quite a bit more. Also, I had my suv of 4 years break down on me and I ended up selling that. I don't know how this happened, but I got talked in to getting two new vehicles with nice high payments to go along with them.

 

I tried to settle down the spending at the end of last year. I kind of wrote off a bunch of stuff to holidays and the like. However, it is the start of a newer year and the same spending is going on. My wife is constantly wanting to buy new things instead of making do with what we have.

 

I make a decent living as a software engineer, but not enough for this. I am extremely stressed out. I have dwindled down the thousands of dollars I have saved for years and I feel like it will be gone soon.

 

So, my wife was asking me why I was in a funk a few weeks ago. I had already communicated this stuff to her, but it came accross as something new. She starts feelin sorry for herself and gets into crying. I feel horrible now.

 

On top of that, I have been semi promoted quickly in my company, but without the pay. It appears that we get paid on the low end of the scale where I am at now. Bad thing is that I have had constant projects that require me to work 60+ hours a week. It seems like there is no end in sight and that someone is always getting on me about needing their stuff. I have essentially two supervisors who both give me stuff to do,, but don't know the other is doing so unless I tell them. Its frustrating. Since I create new code for a large platform and it is a big undertaking, all I hear is when things go wrong, never when things are good.

 

So, today, I am here and I have a job that overworks me and is stressing me out because I no longer enjoy it. I have a wife who spends like crazy and makes me feel guilty that I can't spend more time with her and the baby. I have payments like crazy for everything. I have a father who I can't really pay attention to or help any more. Non of my life is the life I used to have. It is a completely different life that is not mine any more. I feel like I am working just to dig out of the pit that has been dug.

 

My solution was to go back to college to get an MBA so I could get a little higher up the chain and make more money. I also proposed to my wife that we move to a different state where things aren't so expensive. She wants to have land for horses, etc. I woudl like my daughter to have something like that. I really want my daughter to be able to go to schools that are good. THe local schools are not. I want a job that I enjoy going to. I want to feel like I am not in debt to my eyeballs. So, moving to a cheaper state with better schools and a good job adn the ability to possibly get a nice few acres for horses woudl be awesome. I propose this to my wife adn she gets a little odd because she has a lot of friends here and woudl have a hard time moving away from them.

 

She says she will think about it, but I am pretty sure taht unless I find a perfect place and bring it up to her, she will go against that move.

 

On top of that, my wife is a stay at home mom. I know it is a lot of work to deal with a baby. However, she can't even get some of the basic chores done during the week (dishes, vacuuming, dusting, etc.). Because of that, my house looks like a wreck most of the time. I get home and instead of playing with my daughter, I am essentially cleaning up and organizing things. I wait until they go to bed to get my class work done and do any studying I need to do.

 

On top of all of that, I used to be very active. I was at a point of running ove8-10 miles every other day. I loved being in shape. Ever since I got married, my wife seems to come up with a bunch of other things that we need to do on weekends. She leads me to believe that I can go ahead and run or whatever, but then when teh day comes, she already has a bunch of errands that we both need to do and if I mention that I wanted to run, she gets all upset. Because of that, I have put on about 35-40 pounds in the last year and a half. I used to weigh about 155 to 160. Now, I am about 200. I get sick more often (I never used to get colds).

 

Now, when I get home, my wife has my daughter napping until about 6:30. So, I can't do any running. Actually, any time in the past I wanted to exercise, my wife jumps on the wagon and wants to exercise and I am the one that needs to give in. I want to run. Well, she doesn't like to run, so I have to do the exercise that she wants to do. Its been this way for a while. If I try to do something else, she gets very upset.

 

My wife has already booked a "girls weekend" for May. Its the 40th birthday of a few of her friends. So, they decided to go to Puerto Vallarta for 5 days (There is another $2000 gone). She also wants to do a week vacation in August (another $1200) in which we share a place with 3 other couples at a lake a few hours away. She goes out with her friends about once every 2 to 3 weeks for an afternooon or something like that. She has playdates with other mothers every Friday. I haven't done a thing in months. A friend of her's husband asked me to play some poker about 5 months ago. My wife said to go.I come back at midnight and she gives me the cold shoulder for being out late (even though I had only been out for 4 hours). She says to do some things, but if I then go to do those things, she get all upset like she is getting shortchanged.

 

I think I have hit the bottom. I am looking at things the last two weeks in order to lower the bills. I want to move back to a place where I can have a cheaper mortgage. I have looked into trading my car in for something cheaper or at least with a lower payment. I am trying to consolodate my bills to get them lower. I still don't get to do anythign I really want to do. I think to myself how much I used to love running. Then I tell myself that I really should try to get out again. Then I just tell myself that it would only last for one time, then stuff will come up adn I won't be able to do it on a regular basis, so why bother.

 

I am so incredibly numb and stressed out to most things around me. I hate this feeling. The thing I hate is that all this started when I married my wife. And things got worse when my daughter was born. I hate that anything bad is associated with my daughter, adn my wife for that matter.

 

I almost feel like a drastic change is the only way to turn things around.

 

I hate pretty much most things about my life right now. I have nothing to look forward to. I hate most days. I have nothign fun to do any more. Life just stinks in general.

 

Sorry to be such a downer, but I needed to get this stuff off my chest somehow.

 

Thanks

 

I feel really trapped in my options.

[DN]

I think it is time for you to be more assertive about what you need and want. Not confrontational but assertive.

 

Read through your post again and try rewriting it as if you were talking to your wife. Write so that it is not an attack on her but an explanation of what you need to get your life (and that of your family) back on track. Be specific about things like money, spending, job and school, family time and alone time.

 

Use that to talk to her and try to enlist her on your side as a member of a team dealing with issues rather than as an antagonist. If she can see that what you want to do will benefit her as well then you may be able to do that.

[annie24]

oh wow. i am sorry to hear this. i have been following your posts for a while, and i must say that i was concerned when you first started mentioning your wife's spending habits. they seem very much not in line with yours, and i fear things will get worse, not better, unless you take some drastic measures.

 

I would definitely suggest you two make two appointments: one with a marriage counselor, and another with a financial counselor. you are right, this is just going to be bad. if you two are in so much debt, now is not the time for her to be taking long vacations with her gfs. And if she is a stay at home mom, i also think she should be doing more around the house, especially while the baby is napping. I hate to say it, but i think she is really using you and not looking out for the family.

 

I think you need to really sit down with her and you two have to tighten your belts and start paying that debt off. it will not be comfortable, but you are just going to eat up everything you have worked so hard for and will not be able to enjoy your lives.

 

please seek out counseling ASAP. good luck

[Mun]

Hey there. I hear ya. I recently ended a relationship that was leaving me feeling depleted.

 

It sounds easy and it won't be easy to do but you need to basically "downsize" : get rid of one car, get rid of the "luxuries" ( the trips) and learn to deal with your wifes pouting over having no money. Suggest to her that she find a way to finance her outings because you are very much strapped. I know, it sucks that she probaby won't understand... she sounds very spoiled. I think we had said this before

 

I honestly feel very bad for you that you have lost "yourself" and I totally understand. You need to make time to do your own thing and follow through. Don't talk to her about, don't get her permission---just do it. Take off for that run, go out for that poker game. How often does she ask you for permission: to do her things? Ignore her moodiness when you return-- its her way of controlling you and, my friend, it is destryoing the happiness in the relationship.

 

You are trapped, but you can get yourself untrapped. Talking about it is not helping--try DOING instead.

[isisastaria]

DOWNSIZE!!!

 

You sound just like me and my ex-husband. I have found SO much peace with a way of life (Feng Shui). It has to do with living a minimalistic lifestyle (according to YOUR specific preferences). It's not a big strange huge lifestyle change or a religion. It's just a way to put your way of living into perspective. My favorite point the author makes is that we pay a huge mortgage to fund the storage of lots of "STUFF" that we don't even necessarily need. Then it piles up and adds drama and congestion to our lives.

 

PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!! IT IS GARUANTEED TO HELP!!

Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston