Why is it so hard to find a nice guy????

[Batya33]

I agree if "nice" is defined as a doormat type person or someone who does nice things solely to get approval from the other person. I think "insensitive" can be a challenge but the "thrill" of the chase for me quickly dies and if the insensitivity continues for a few dates I move on.

[Altruist]

I agree if "nice" is defined as a doormat type person or someone who does nice things solely to get approval from the other person. I think "insensitive" can be a challenge but the "thrill" of the chase for me quickly dies and if the insensitivity continues for a few dates I move on.

 

What's the ideal emotional state that you expect then? My contextual definition of insensitive is inclined towards being stoic rather than callous.

[Batya33]

I described it way in the beginning of this thread I believe. Ideal is reasonably confident and where the niceness comes from a place of sincerity and genuineness and not primarily to be an approval seeker.

 

Where the person is not overwhelming with his "nice acts" because he takes the time to think about the timing, circumstances, body language if applicable - from a place of reasonable confidence this is almost intuitive - from a place of neediness or insecurity, the person keeps making himself known with e-mails, calls, flowers, texts, etc so that the other person won't forget about him, not because he truly wants to do these things for the other person. It's about not trying too hard because you know you don't have to.

 

It means letting the other person do for him, too - and compliment him - an insecure person doesn't feel worthy of respect or praise, etc. It is about being assertive if there is disrespect, taking for granted, etc rather than bottling it up because he is afraid only to let it out later inappropriately.

 

I use "he" but this is meant to be gender neutral.

[Leon]

The bottom line is that nice and gentle just doesn't cut as far as relationships are concerned. Women willl generally lose respect for you if you get the overwhelming desire to routinely pour out your feelings and aspirations and get all mushy. They take it as a sign that the guy is progressing too fast and is already in 'relationship mode' before the two have had a chance to get to know each other.

 

To the guys, let her girlfriends do the spilling of guts and all the other mushy stuff - she'll sympathise with that. If it's coming from you she won't. Its best to bottle up those feelings and provoke the outcry "My bf is so insensitive..." At least she won't leave you for that.

 

This is flawed, people who do this usually wind up friend zoned. Like I said, nice guys who are easily neglected are pretty much screwed from the start. They have qualities that are usually not popularly/strongly admired or appreciated.

[Altruist]

This is flawed, people who do this usually wind up friend zoned. Like I said, nice guys who are easily neglected are pretty much screwed from the start. They have qualities that are usually not popularly/strongly admired or appreciated.

 

Are you saying the guys who don't act nice and 'doormatty' get friendzoned??? All evidence posted in this thread suggests otherwise.

[galaxy71]

I saw a couple of "nice guys" get rejected on Sunday. It was pretty sad and pretty funny at the same time. After this one lecture, this one "nice guy" invited this attractive young women to this one event after only 30 seconds of conversation. Wow, this guy seriously thought that some girl was going to accept his invitation after only 30 freaking seconds of conversation. The girl didn't show any interest in the guy, yet the guy thought she might accept his invitation.

 

Some time earlier, my friend tried to invite these two girls to my friend's happy hour groups. The girls replied "We don't go to happy hours". My friend tried to invite his girls to his group, even those two girls didn't show any interest in even talking to him.

 

What's wrong with these nice guys?? They don't know how to attract girls. These guys think that by being nice and having safe, boring conversation, that these girls would want to spend time with them. Boy, were they wrong. The first guy I mentioned in this post has this extremely serious, uptight look on his face. How the hell are women going to be attracted to him if he looks extremely constipated.

 

Nice guys have to ask themselves "Why the hell should girls be attracted to me?" What qualities do they have going for themselves. If the nice guys can't come up with an answer, he has to seriously think about ways he can improve himself so that women would be attracted to him. A lot of guys can improve their chances with women if they just worked out and bought decent clothing. There are also a lot of guys who could improve their success with women if they started more confident around women.

[FortunateOne]

Yes! This is what I've been saying to these "nice guys" with my posts. To get a clue and become confident, but they just want to wallow in negativity and self pity. Why? To feed their selfish inward need for attention. How selfish of them to critizise "real men" for their own insecurities.

 

We're not on this thread to show off how confident we are, but to help you achieve a new state of mind by discovering that once you start being truly selfless success will come in every day tasks which will bring on more confidence in your life. Trust me, it doesn't do me or any other "real man" any good to help you understand what it takes to be a well rounded whole man.

 

So, PLEASE, listen to us and start to own up your faults so you can authentically change for the better. Why? Because I too WAS a needy "nice guy" like all of you in my teens and twenties.

[4answers]

I am not a taker! I'm a giver! When i was seeing my ex i was the giver and he was the taker i gave him all my love and spoiled him rotten.

 

Perhaps there in lies the answer !

 

A diamond necklace is only valuable to someone because its rare ! but if the streets were littered with diamonds, then you would not think twice of getting rid of a diamond necklace.

 

Some guys are looking for a special girl, one who they will treat nice. So they will try to get to know her and what her to try to get to know him... you know the 50 - 50 stuff !

 

Yet there are some guys who will go with a lass just to be with her !!!! They are not really into her, but in order for her to be into them they will tell the girl exactly what she want to hear. Now because he is not really into her and in his eyes a (forgive the wording) new piece of skirt is available he will go for her.

 

It seems women are so selfish as to only be considering what they want that they will go for any guy who appears to satisfy this. Where as the nice guy who is not filling her full of bull is left with wilted roses.

 

Ever heard the saying "If it sounds to good to be true, it is"

 

Words Words Words, Actions are what counts. Dont just go for the guys who give you what you want to hear.

 

"Oh I like romance"....so he sends you flowers and then beds you.

 

Or the nice guy who sends you flowers because he cares and you did not mention you like flowers.

[Leon]

What I'm getting by reading this, people are still using the same cliche' words of advice. It's easy to give advice, but it's not easy to use or become effective. I did not find the regection of those "nice guys" funny at all. They did their part, and I personally would be curious if someone asked me to do something with them? Wny not? I don't know them, they could be fun. I give them that chance, because I would want the same from them. I think the girls didn't think about that. Not that I'm surprised, as I said before, I am commonly seeing a lack of respect in females. They want to be given respect but they have trouble efficently returning it... That is why I'm done... I'm tired of dealing with it, and I'm tired of hearing the excuses.

[Batya33]

I think it is disrespectful to accept a date with someone I know I have nothing or little in common with and who I am not interested in speaking with and cannot see myself carrying on a conversation with for even a 30 minute cup of coffee. Being polite and respectful is very nice and I would be fine seeing that person as a friend in a group of people perhaps but I would not lead him on by accepting a date with him unless I saw some potential for a spark to develop. For example, I am unattracted to effeminate men - even if they are nice and polite. I am unattracted to men who do not value higher education even if they are nice and respectful. Why should I waste their time? What is wrong with having standards in choosing who to date beyond "well he was polite and respectful so even though I find him completely boring or effeminate or with nothing in common with me I will let him take me to dinner."

[FortunateOne]

What I'm getting by reading this, people are still using the same cliche' words of advice. It's easy to give advice, but it's not easy to use or become effective. I did not find the regection of those "nice guys" funny at all. They did their part, and I personally would be curious if someone asked me to do something with them? Wny not? I don't know them, they could be fun. I give them that chance, because I would want the same from them. I think the girls didn't think about that. Not that I'm surprised, as I said before, I am commonly seeing a lack of respect in females. They want to be given respect but they have trouble efficently returning it... That is why I'm done... I'm tired of dealing with it, and I'm tired of hearing the excuses.

 

Wow! So you give up? Imagine if someone you cared for of the oposite sex said this state?!?!? Unattractive, isn't it? Don't give up just adjust your strategy. Remember what's the definition of insanity: TO do the same thing over and over again and expecting defferent results. You attract what you put out. Become a whole person and you'll get a whole mate. Life is so much enjoyable when you have positive control of your environment. Attitude is the secret, so, just go for it and do it.

 

 

I think it is disrespectful to accept a date with someone I know I have nothing or little in common with and who I am not interested in speaking with and cannot see myself carrying on a conversation with for even a 30 minute cup of coffee. Being polite and respectful is very nice and I would be fine seeing that person as a friend in a group of people perhaps but I would not lead him on by accepting a date with him unless I saw some potential for a spark to develop. For example, I am unattracted to effeminate men - even if they are nice and polite. I am unattracted to men who do not value higher education even if they are nice and respectful. Why should I waste their time? What is wrong with having standards in choosing who to date beyond "well he was polite and respectful so even though I find him completely boring or effeminate or with nothing in common with me I will let him take me to dinner."

 

I agree 100%. This is what maturity is all about.

[TheRedQueen]

Because nice guys are hard to come by.

[Leon]

Wow! So you give up? Imagine if someone you cared for of the oposite sex said this state?!?!? Unattractive, isn't it? Don't give up just adjust your strategy. Remember what's the definition of insanity: TO do the same thing over and over again and expecting defferent results. You attract what you put out. Become a whole person and you'll get a whole mate. Life is so much enjoyable when you have positive control of your environment. Attitude is the secret, so, just go for it and do it.

 

 

 

 

I agree 100%. This is what maturity is all about.

 

I refuse to change who I am, I refuse to. It's not right, it's cheating myself. If I have people who like me for who I am, if I can make friends and make a difference in people's lives why do I need to change for people who don't know how to appreciate people and what they do in general? (I even fully appreciate it when a complete stranger smiles at me while I'm working. It's just the type of person I am.) If I have to do that it's not worth it IMO. How can you say having certain standards that can potentially unreasonable, maturity. How can people define higher education? What is higher edication? There is no one way to obtain it, there is no one way to define it. It's people who value shallow qualities like this that erk me. I have changed people by he way I view the world and people in it and I have even changed people's way of obtaining eduation.

I don't have time explain everything, but I geuss I was right. Most people are the same, and it's kind of sad for people like me, who don't want to be stereotyped, who don't want to fall into a category. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble... I don't fit in. People are uncomfortable with what they can't categorize, they hate and fear what is different... Heh...people...why do I even care so much in the first place...?

[kate111]

Because nice guys are hard to come by.

 

I agree.

[fredericvo]

that's because you girls only SAY you go for nice guys but really DO go for bad guys.your instinct tells you that you want to transmit good genes to your offspring so you have to select good mating material. and macho guys who seem so confident send you those strong signals that make you go for them... But if u really want a nice guy don't go to places where they don't come such as discos,bars,etc... Date at your workplace or go to a computerclub (nerds !) or something... Make the first move as nice guys are shy...

[fredericvo]

umm what's Engrish? Sorry if that sounds dumb...

[Batya33]

that's because you girls only SAY you go for nice guys but really DO go for bad guys.your instinct tells you that you want to transmit good genes to your offspring so you have to select good mating material. and macho guys who seem so confident send you those strong signals that make you go for them... But if u really want a nice guy don't go to places where they don't come such as discos,bars,etc... Date at your workplace or go to a computerclub (nerds !) or something... Make the first move as nice guys are shy...

 

If nice is defined as non-assertive or "nerdy" and a "yes man" then they might be shy (and in my experience, shy men are all over - at bars and clubs as well). but if nice is defined as confident and with solid values then why in the world would that have any link to shyness? A man who "seems" confident is likely not to be a good mate because once the "macho' game is up, he might be just as or more insecure than someone who is unconfident from the first.

 

So, to you, are "nice" girls also the types who go to computer clubs and are shy and nerdy?

[fredericvo]

it (nerdy) doesn't apply to girls.. Nice girls are those who don't have that 'attitude'

you know the Paris Hilton type... that's a bad girl...

[Batya33]

it (nerdy) doesn't apply to girls.. Nice girls are those who don't have that 'attitude'

you know the Paris Hilton type... that's a bad girl...

 

How does posting about tired cliches/stereotypes give any relevant input or advice to this inquiry?

[fredericvo]

OK then nevermind.Call it a cliche and go for the same old macho guys (yeah cliche I know) and complain why they watch football sipping a beer with their feet on the table and leave the toilet seat up.No seriously girls ARE attracted to those types and it was even in a scientific documentary on the Discovery Channel... In fact it might work the other way round... Such guys BECOME like this once they realize they get girls easily no matter what they do so why would they still be nice and stick to only one girl and call for b'days etc.. They will treat you bad because they CAN.Same for girls.They have attitude because they know they get guys anyway and even tend to be fed up with being approached all the time...

[Batya33]

I see the difference now. You are referring to "girls" and I only know "women" and, within that the women I know are individuals with individual styles, tastes, values, standards, personalities, etc. The allcaps doesn't make your stereotypical points any less stereotypical despite vague references to TV shows.

 

Not sure who your post is directed at - I for one have no interest in being friends with, much less dating a person who pretends to be "macho"- no connection between that and being a genuine/sincere person, whether male or female.

 

None of the men I have dated/been involved with or been close friends with behave that way generally - but then again I tend to like and associate with people who are genuine, sincere, bright, articulate and classy (meaning on the inside - not based on their looks/what they wear).

 

I am sure there are women who are attracted to "macho" men and men who are attracted to women who remind them of Paris Hilton - but I feel sorry for you if your world is so limited that you can honestly categorize people the way you did in your post.

[fredericvo]

Vague? There's this program called "Sex Sense" on Discovery

.Interesting topics.

[Batya33]

It makes sense that since you believe in stereotyping you also would believe that what you see on TV must be "the truth" rather than going out there and meeting all sorts of people on an individual basis.

[fredericvo]

This isn't about me.

I just find it ironic how girls keep complaining about jerks yet keep falling for the same type of guys.

Ah whatever forget it.Discussion closed.

[Hubbys_glitter_is_gold]

I think the harder you look for that "nice guy" the harder it gets to find them and youd want so much to find that one that one simple characteristic in a "jerky" guy can make him seem like that nice guy and find out the truth later. IF you stop looking he will find you when you least expect it and when you need him most and youll know its him so listen to his words and not go by him appearance. Some of the nicest guys arent all that attractive like a sex godd but he'll be cute and say all the right things.