Something that has been bothering me lately.

[Caldus]

I have been reflecting (as I always do and probably shouldn't always do). I came to the realization that the last time I ever hung out with anyone on a regular basis (besides the recent open relationship I was in) was about two years ago. In the last two years, I've basically had close to zero social life. With the exception of a few buddies at college, I basically have no one close to talk to. Not even my family. I hang out and talk with my family all the time, but it's not like we're all that close. I can think of maybe one person who I could call up to hang out with tonight, but I know he will be hanging out with his best friend and other friends he has, which I don't like some of them at all. I basically have been using the Internet as a social outlet for the longest time now and I'm starting to get really tired of rarely hanging out with people in real life.

 

I could ramble on, but I've already done so in so many threads in the past here. I have heard lots of advice and have been trying to implement it. The thing is, I will be moving to another city soon and I just wonder if I will even make any close friends there. I would be completely away from family and everybody that I know. I've been trying to meet some new people at that city online and have maybe one or two people I could possibly hang out with when I get there, but other then that, what the heck do I do? I can't just go to resturants alone. And I hate the bar and club scene. It just seems like the only way I ever make friends or find a girlfriend is through the Internet now. I'm a good looking guy with tons of interests and hobbies. Why can't I find any friends in real life? Am I too intimidating to them maybe? Am I too different from them? I just want to know if anyone else out there is going through this?

[Brooke657]

That sounds like a great opportunity. You have a chance to reinvent yourself now. I think you'll definatly make new friends.

[terk2021]

There are plenty of groups out there in most large cities related to sports, hobbies... They are usually made up of professionals, married and single with ages ranging from 20s to 40s. You should try looking into those...

[the yang to the worlds yin]

It's because in the past you had an issue with feeling that anything that didn't have philosophical meaning was pointless and that tends to repulse people due to them feeling like you aren't "broad" enough. Or at least this was so in the past. Just be open to new experiences, try not to pass judgement, and remember that you have to learn to make a fool of and laugh at yourself sometimes, because if you take yourself too seriousely, others just won't find you much fun to be with.

 

So theres my two cents for an old friend.

[Caldus]

It's because in the past you had an issue with feeling that anything that didn't have philosophical meaning was pointless and that tends to repulse people due to them feeling like you aren't "broad" enough. Or at least this was so in the past. Just be open to new experiences, try not to pass judgement, and remember that you have to learn to make a fool of and laugh at yourself sometimes, because if you take yourself too seriousely, others just won't find you much fun to be with.

 

So theres my two cents for an old friend.

 

I have grown out of that. Don't worry.

[Celadon]

A lot of us think about this issue, Caldus. Know that you're not alone.

 

Tonight my roommate headed out to the movies with a friend who has suddenly become her best buddy. They hang out at least once a week, and I was thinking to myself, "I've been looking for that kind of friendship for YEARS, but no one I know seems to want it too." Every woman I know seems to want to do her own thing with family and other friends.

 

How do people develop friendships? I'd say "matching" is one way. As caro33 pointed out on another thread, people want to be with people who are similar to them. I would add that people want to be with those who remind them of their best self. Clearly, a new potential friend will be drawn to me more if I'm friendly, funny, interested in them and willing to share about myself than if I'm quiet, serious and opinionated.

 

If I were starting over in a new city, I'd join groups. I'd schedule myself so I have at least three weekday evenings occupied with classes, volunteer gigs, or other events. There's no way to meet people other than to be out there. Personally, I like classes because there's structure and it's safe. I'd say that if you let people know you're new in town and looking for things to do and people to hang out with, someone will suggest good places to make friends.

 

When in doubt, you could also join a matchmaking, Dinner For Six-type service.

[Caldus]

Thanks K8tie Kool. Funny that you say all of that b/c I was thinking a lot of the same stuff as you. I find that I am happier and more "reachable" to people somehow if I keep myself busy with lots of activities. Just a matter of finding those activities I guess.

[mintblossom]

yes...me. I have been going through this for a long time and I would like it to stop. It seems every part of my life is fairly okay, decent EXCEPT for social life. And that just makes me sad.

 

I used to think there was something terribly wrong with me. But...I look in the mirror, I think I look okay. I am a nice enough person. I have a sense of humor. I like to eat and do a lot of things. I can talk about any subject under the sun provided if I trust you. I like to have fun and I have a good mind and a decent life.

 

BUT my social life, it's just not nonexistent. In elementary I was so teased and hurt. I withdrew into myself. In jr. high and high school, the kids ignored me, and well, I was a nerd and ignored everyone and focused on my studies. But I think what REALLY killed my life these years was being with an abusive EX. He drove everyone away. He tried to take my family from me, he beat me down so much, I was a mess and I lost everything.

 

I had to rebuild my life from scratch, literally. So now I have acquaintances, I have a job, I take classes, I have money - I used to have none of this. But I still have no real friends.

 

I would just like a couple girl friends that I really like to call up, hang out with, be young and silly with, and go out and see the world and town.

 

I tried making friends with men but they just ended up abusing me, or wanting me for sex and leaving when they found out I wasn't going to sleep with them. It made me really sad because I felt like the only reason men paid attention to me was to get in my pants and they didn't want me unless it was for sex. And I'm just not going to sleep with a guy just for that.

 

So there you have it, I contributed to a great deal of ruin in having a social life because of the Abusive Soul Destroying Relationship from Hell for 6-7 years. I don't want to date because I don't trust men and I want a break from meeting jerks.

 

I feel sad talking about this. I would like some real friends.

 

I get worried that mabe everyone else has already met their bestest friends for life and that I got left out. I worry that in a few years, every woman will be on the mommy track and I won't have find any single girls to hang out with. I worry that I am psychologically scarred because I feel anxious around people. I worry that I will only meet bad men who only want sex and don't even want to know me as a person. It was really hard to meet these kind of men - it made me lose faith in humanity.

 

I just want to add that I think I am a lot of fun and I think the reason I don't have friends is because of past and present circumstances and past/present environments. And not really because of me. But that still isn't reassuring enough.

 

It's good for me to know the reasons for my life and the way it is but that still doesn't give me anyone good to talk to or to even want to see.

 

I've met people that I've had to write off or ended up disliking the more I got to know them. I just had to get away from them because I will not put myself around people I don't like. It seems I don't like anyone.

 

I don't worry about this as much as I used to because I am much happier with myself than I have ever been. But on friday nights like this, I do think about it. I want to take a break from the pressure of talking to people, trying to get to know people, trying to make real friends. I have been taking a break actually.

 

Half of me despairs but the other half does not want to give up. There's gotta be some great people out there who will like me just as I am.

[Celadon]

I've met people that I've had to write off or ended up disliking the more I got to know them. I just had to get away from them because I will not put myself around people I don't like. It seems I don't like anyone.

...

Half of me despairs but the other half does not want to give up. There's gotta be some great people out there who will like me just as I am.

I've felt the same way, teardrops, and even had similar experiences, though not quite as severe, I think. Had an abusive relationship, plus some social awkwardness as a result of childhood stuff.

 

You sound like a friend of mine (and like me, in a way) in saying you don't like anyone. She likes people fine at first, but then starts liking them less and less as she gets to know them. I think it has to do with too high expectations and not fully understanding the role of a friend.

 

Most people are just running around doing their own thing and trying to make it in the world. There will be times when they disappoint you, but do not let that get to you. Me, I have a habit of taking offense at rudeness or thoughtlessness. But just today it occurred to me that sometimes these things just happen -- disagreements, people taking out their stress on you -- and they're really not worth thinking about or stewing over. I mean, if it's a HABIT, then it's bad and worth talking over. But if it's just a random occurrence, then maybe it's better for both of you to forgive and forget. Life DEFINITELY isn't perfect.

 

I do think you'll find people out there who you'll like and who will like you as you are. It may take time, but they're out there. I know because one friend I've gotten closer to, I wrote him off when I first met him years ago. Sometimes people change over time, and sometimes we change over time. Which is a good thing.

[isisastaria]

If we all lived a little closer, we could all hang out!!!!

[Caldus]

Thanks everyone for the posts. I enjoyed reading them.

 

I am just laying around at home today doing hardly anything productive all day and with no one to even talk to all weekend. Am I the only one who goes through the same kind of routine every weekend? Weekends are the worst part of the week for me because I have hardly anything I could do and most of the things I want to do, I wouldn't want to do alone.

[Celadon]

I think the hard thing is that we don't want to do EVERYTHING alone. And not having the option to be with *someone* during the weekend (or weeknights) can really take the wind out of a person's sail.

 

Reflecting on this weekend, I did a bunch of stuff by myself. Stayed home and caught up on bookkeeping. Shopped. Took a walk in the park. Watched a TV show on the Internet. Read. Listened to music. BUT ... I also got together with family for dinner, and spent time with a friend. In life, we need some balance of social time and alone time. Too much of either will leave us stressed, I think.

[mintblossom]

Yes...I would really like to have more of a balance. I do enjoy thinking my own thoughts and spending time with family and co-workers and being single and I don't mind being so much being with myself. But sometimes....I would like to have the option to just take off for a Vegas vacation with some fun people.....or have some late night girl talks or just relax and watch TV with friends.

[bulletproof]

Here's how I have made friends in the past: work, part-time work, classes, volunteering, and through friends of friends. I used to think that I didn't like people and had nothing in common with anyone. But then I made a concerted effort to open my mind a bit. I just got back from a vacation with someone that I initially did not care for one bit. She originally struck me as loud, self-centered, and annoying. But what I didn't take into consideration was that she had just had a massive trauma, and that she was dealing with it the only way she knew how, and that's just when I happened to meet her. Now I consider her a close friend, whereas in the past I just wouldn't have bothered with her.

 

There is almost always some sort of common ground you can find with a person. The more diverse your own interests are, the more people you will find to share them with. There is something very appealing about meeting someone who can converse about any subject, even if it's just to ask questions and show a genuine curiosity in another human being.

 

Take this moving to a new city as a great opportunity to change. Don't go into it thinking you won't meet anyone, or that is exactly what will happen. Go into it telling yourself that you will meet people, and shape your own life. And don't get discouraged- when I moved to a new place, it took me a solid year to meet one person. Had I known what I know now, that probably wouldn't have happened, but I still had to have that experience to get to where I am now.

[Celadon]

There is almost always some sort of common ground you can find with a person. The more diverse your own interests are, the more people you will find to share them with. There is something very appealing about meeting someone who can converse about any subject, even if it's just to ask questions and show a genuine curiosity in another human being.

See, I find this very interesting. I'm one of those people who thinks more about why I'm different from someone else, rather than what we have in common. And you know, that's left me feeling very lonely at times!

 

I sometimes think I could use Friendship 101 lessons, lol. I would love to be the kind of person who can talk with anyone about anything. And yet, it is sometimes people's habits that annoy me, such as someone who just can't shut up! I know two women like that, who just talk about themselves on and on and on. It's not that I don't ever like them, but I don't see myself becoming close to them.

 

Another example: I have some stuff in common with a co-worker, but I spend more time thinking about how he's slacking off rather than trying to talk with him about our mutual hobbies. Why is that?????

[bulletproof]

K8tie, I hear you. It isn't always easy because the fact is that some people are just annoying, no matter how you slice it. One of my coworkers makes me so crazy that I keep my conversations with her extremely short. I'm not rude, but I don't indulge her nonsense, either. I'm intolerant by nature, but what's helped that is gaining perspective. I have to stop myself and calm down and think, does it really matter so much if this person is doing whatever annoying thing he's doing right now? Ultimately, not really.

 

For me, I always felt the same way you describe- I focused mentally on what was different about me as opposed to the common ground I might possibly share with someone. When I started to be more aware of that aspect of myself, I had to make an effort to change. At first it might feel false, but like anything else, with practice it becomes habit. Now I can't believe some of the stories I get out of people.

 

You really can be the type of person who can talk about anything with anyone. Even if I know nothing about a certain subject, I can ask a million questions of the person that does.

[mgirl]

Yeah. I came to the conclusion a few months ago that my own company is better than compromising myself or hanging out with people i don't like all that much. I would have a hundred friends if i decided i wanted to go out drinking, but i don't like that anymore. I decided to be my own best friend and hope for the best. I also decided that if i lead by example, that hopefully one or two people might catch on some day and want to spend some time with a calm peaceful and thoughtful person like myself.

[Celadon]

Thanks for the perspective, bulletproof. Glad I'm not the only person here intolerant by nature. And also glad to hear you've overcome those tendencies. Gives me hope!

[Caldus]

Yeah maybe I am just intolerant by nature too.