kate111 Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 Far from it. He doesn't resent me at all. We have a very healthy relationship. I have my standards. He has his. And we respect them. That's why it's called a relationship. I never told him that he couldn't watch porn. I just simply advised that if he does choose to watch it then, he won't have me. Simple choice I think. Fair enough. If he is willing to give it up then he mustn't value it too highly. I wonder if I should have banned it. Nup. Live and learn. Link to comment
Dako Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I just simply advised that if he does choose to watch it then, he won't have me. Simple choice I think. Seems like an ultimatum. Hey, whatever works for you. Link to comment
MissTee Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Fair enough. If he is willing to give it up then he mustn't value it too highly. I wonder if I should have banned it. Nup. Live and learn. Exactly! That's the beauty of experience. My advice is, if you are still speaking with your ex, suggest therapy but I wouldn't go back to him. Move on and use this knowledge to dictate some of the decisions you will make in the future. Good luck! -hugs- Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 He is searching out those kinds of chicks to have porno adventures with. Ah. Alarm bells. Alarm bells. You want a guy that actually KNOWS about women - surely you owe it to yourself? I never told him that he couldn't watch porn. I just simply advised that if he does choose to watch it then, he won't have me. Simple choice I think. What's your view on couples watching it together? Like you play a game where you have to copy the video etc. etc. - 'tis a fun game! I think it's a pretty fair request to make though - that your gentleman shouldn't watch porn. Each to their own. It is one of those things like whisky say that not everyone is neccessarily into. Link to comment
MissTee Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Seems like an ultimatum. Hey, whatever works for you. No, it's very different from an ultimatum. I know what it's like to be unhappy in a relationship. I learned from my mistakes. If being happy and in love means being upfront and honest in the beginning, that's what I'm prepared to do. Link to comment
MissTee Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Ah. Alarm bells. Alarm bells. You want a guy that actually KNOWS about women - surely you owe it to yourself? What's your view on couples watching it together? Like you play a game where you have to copy the video etc. etc. - 'tis a fun game! I think it's a pretty fair request to make though - that your gentleman shouldn't watch porn. Each to their own. It is one of those things like whisky say that not everyone is neccessarily into. Thanks. If a couple chooses to watch it together... then... whatever floats your boat! But, it's not for me and I'm not going to budge on it. Link to comment
kate111 Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 Ah. Alarm bells. Alarm bells. You want a guy that actually KNOWS about women - surely you owe it to yourself? What's your view on couples watching it together? Like you play a game where you have to copy the video etc. etc. - 'tis a fun game! I think it's a pretty fair request to make though - that your gentleman shouldn't watch porn. Each to their own. It is one of those things like whisky say that not everyone is neccessarily into. What do you mean by wanting a guy that actually knoes about women? What makes you think guys chasing porno adventures don't know women? I'm trying to work this all out in my head. Link to comment
Northalius Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 If I found out my boyfriend was watching porn on a regular basis, I wouldn't stick around long enough to find out if it were an addiction or not. To me, porn in unhealthy... period. I back this 100%. To me, if my girl lusts after porn, it's no different than mental-emotional cheating. I'm in a relationship for total committment, not partial. Making love is a very intimate thing in a relationship, and I feel porno is simply the abuse of sex. And, more times than not, it'll lead them down a slippery slope to unhappiness, in one way or another; just like the original poster of this thread is now experiencing. I've brought this up in another forum online: Usually, when you look at porn, you're going to start comparing to your partner, and judging them. It's not good at all. Link to comment
kate111 Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 ^ yes I agree regarding the comparing thing. It could be my insecurity though. Perhaps he doesn't compare at all. Do you really think he will be unhappy? I'm hoping so as he so cruelly dumped me! Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 What do you mean by wanting a guy that actually knoes about women? What makes you think guys chasing porno adventures don't know women? I'm trying to work this all out in my head. You said this (below) earlier in the thread which is what put me on that train of thought. It seems like the videos are brainwashing him into unrealistic expectations of women. He is searching out those kinds of chicks to have porno adventures with. Link to comment
kate111 Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Ahh I see. Perhaps some women are like that. Or he will find one he can mold. Link to comment
MissTee Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Ahh I see. Perhaps some women are like that. Or he will find one he can mold. He'll probably have more luck with the latter. No one is really like that. It's fantasy land. I suspect that even the girls in those movies aren't like that in real life! It's just a job to them. Don't be the person he molds!! Love and respect yourself and you will attract the same in return. Link to comment
MissTee Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I back this 100%. To me, if my girl lusts after porn, it's no different than mental-emotional cheating. I'm in a relationship for total committment, not partial. Making love is a very intimate thing in a relationship, and I feel porno is simply the abuse of sex. And, more times than not, it'll lead them down a slippery slope to unhappiness, in one way or another; just like the original poster of this thread is now experiencing. I've brought this up in another forum online: Usually, when you look at porn, you're going to start comparing to your partner, and judging them. It's not good at all. It's really great to see a man backing me up on this. Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 He started expecting me to buy more clothes, wear more makeup and told me I was "letting myself go". Again - he is under the impression that the trinkets make the woman. Not for example beauty of eyes or bone structure. "Letting yourself go" would be neglecting your diet and teeth, growing fat, negelecting personal hygene. Nothing to do with superficial make up and stuff. It sounds like he wants to be a certain way. Well fair enough. It's just up to you to decide whether you actually want to be that way. Which you kinda don't sound like you do so far. We all like a bit of stocking and suspender and make up, there's nothign wrong with that, but to be under the impression that a woman has "let herself go" just because she doesn't do this is wrong IMHO. Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 It's really great to see a man backing me up on this. Well I'd also back you up in so far as I think it's ok to request your man doesn't watch porn. However can't agree porn is the abuse of sex - soft porn for example is a completely different thing from hardcore porn. I'm a fan. I prefer soft porn to hard porn to be honest. Some porn shouldn't be allowed though and is not "porn" but just gratuity really. I worry for the men that like to see the kind of porn where the woman is "abused" - it's nothing to do with sex and I can't understand it. Link to comment
Dako Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 So porn is okay if it's your kind of porn? I don't like porn at all, but am a fan of free speech, which allows for soft porn. So it goes. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 hmnn.. I would never ban anyone from watching porn. If someone has an obsession with porn. I think thats an entirely different story.. and obsession with anything isn't good its Ok to drink.. but obsession with drinking is bad.. OK to shop now and then .. but an obsession with shopping is bad. I would never band a boyfriend from watching porn.. Personally I believe that if guy or girl bas their partner from watching porn.. then they have an insecurity about themselves. Sure sex is special, intimacy brings a relationship closer together, but I don't believe its cheating and I would never ever tell a boyfriend he couldn't look at porn. to me a person telling their partner they can't look at porn is like shouting out " 'you can't look at any other woman.. nope can't think that way either.. its all about me.. me me me me me me me me me me!' Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 So porn is okay if it's your kind of porn? No - that's not what I said. I am trying to say that I think soft and perhaps medium-ish porn are ok, but any harder than that I do not really - as it tends to degrade the woman IMHO and I watch (soft to medium) porn to ADMIRE women not to degrade them. The fact that soft porn is my kind of porn does happen to make it ok by coincidence - but if hardcore violent porn was my kind of porn then it would NOT be ok. Just to clear that up. Sorry if I was vague before. Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 to me a person telling their partner they can't look at porn is like shouting out " 'you can't look at any other woman.. nope can't think that way either.. its all about me.. me me me me me me me me me me!' This raises the question - "What if your partner is looking at porn imagining the woman is you? When you're not there? How would you feel about that?" - of course I suppose it depends on the video, but I'm talking about the kind that maybe does NOT degrade women. Link to comment
Dako Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Mr. Beeblebrox I understand. Some of that stuff is beyond sick. I bought a Penthouse to read an article in the 70s, but that's the extent of my porn addiction. I'm more into the free-speech part of the equation. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 This raises the question - "What if your partner is looking at porn imagining the woman is you? When you're not there? How would you feel about that?" - of course I suppose it depends on the video, but I'm talking about the kind that maybe does NOT degrade women. I know he has...I look at porn on my own ... I enjoy it! People are kidding themselves if they think this doesn't happen. When I hear people say "My boyfriend/ girlfriend doesn't think about anyone else but me.." I think... is it a problem if he /she does?!?! Link to comment
ScreenagerX Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I never told him that he couldn't watch porn. I just simply advised that if he does choose to watch it then, he won't have me. Simple choice I think. Or he'll just hide it from you & not tell you Link to comment
MissTee Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I know he has...I look at porn on my own ... I enjoy it! People are kidding themselves if they think this doesn't happen. When I hear people say "My boyfriend/ girlfriend doesn't think about anyone else but me.." I think... is it a problem if he /she does?!?! I'm sorry but looking (and masturbating) at porn and looking at random women on the street is VERY different. How can you even compare the two? Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Or he'll just hide it from you & not tell you I agree Even if you 'ban' him from watching porn. you won't know if they are fantasising about a workmate or random hottie walking down the street. and I don't think its a bad thing either.. I don't know why people are so protective of their SO and putting all these demands on them not to look, fantasize or think about other people.. Its completely normal and not cheating! Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm sorry but looking (and masturbating) at porn and looking at random women on the street is VERY different. How can you even compare the two? Because I really don't see what the issue is with a boyfriend of mine masterbating to some porn.. What is is that bothers you about it? Link to comment
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