He thought of cheating...

[KimNYC]

My BF of over a year told me he felt like cheating 3 times. He backed out all 3 times during a rough time he was having. ...even though he was with the women he declined to have sex. Am I being naive? Have you ever gone so far as hook up with someone but got an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to go ahead with it...3 times? I really love this guy, but it's hard when something like this happens... Especially since during this hard time, I was trying to be very supportive and cheering him on to do better. I feel like a fool.

[Locke2121]

He thought of cheating, but didn't. Thats got to count for something!

[EvaGina]

So he DID hook up with them, but didnt sleep with them?

Its still cheating if he just made out with and groped them.

[Scotcha]

Have you ever gone so far as hook up with someone but got an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to go ahead with it...3 times?

 

I'm a little confused by what you mean here. Do you mean that he fooled around with someone but backed out of having sex at the last minute? Could you clarify on this please?

 

I will say this though. I have been attracted to other people besides my finace. And with a few of them an image of myself cheating even crossed my mind for a brief moment. But that is as far as it went or would ever go.

[darkpumpkin]

It is cheating but it also says something that he couldn't go through with it.

[KimNYC]

Nothing happened. No kissing, no groping. he said he couldn't do it and walked away...twice ( the first time he didn't make it to the rendevous). This all sounds so stupid, and embarrassing

[darkpumpkin]

It's not stupid! Have you asked what drove him to go that far twice?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

out of curiosity what was his reason for telling you this?

 

see, i get really stubborn when it comes to stuff like this... i personally wonder....what did he do (i.e. how did he lead this woman on) that got him in the position that he had to decide whether or not to cheat?

 

It should have never have gotten that far.

 

I dont find it noble...i think noble would have been if he never got himself in the situation in the first place.

 

but that's me.

[KimNYC]

It was during a period that he was going through some rough stuff. He says he felt very stressed and that he thought being with someone else would make him feel wanted...BTW, I have never refused to be intimate with him. I have almost always initiated. During that time he was the one who was rejecting me.

[friscodj]

Hi Kim-

 

Why exactly do you feel like a fool? Do you not believe him when he says he did not do anything with this other woman? And he's telling you about it as well. There are far worse things that could have happened here. Is your trust betrayed because he had these thoughts and nearly realized them?

 

I think the best thing for you to do is ask him why he would even consider cheating. Perhaps something was lacking in the relationship that can be or has been addressed.

[RayKay]

I think he may have told you as he knows something is not right, and it needs to change. I think there are a couple choices here. Neither is wrong, it is what feels right for you.

 

You can decide that the trust is gone, and move on.

 

You can decide this is a sign that something is amiss and you want to work on it together. While cheating is never condoned, often there is something missing in the relationship that is about more than sex. Sometimes what is missing is respect. That generally means time to move on! Sometimes it is just them being selfish, again time to move on. But sometimes it is a cry for help because they feel disconnected and something wrong...and instead of dealing with it they turn to someone else..which is dumb and I do not condone it...but if he is telling you I think this is something in the latter.

 

I absolutely agree it should never have gotten that far, but if he is telling the truth, he did put an end to it before it did get further, and is telling you for a reason. That may be as he wants to end things, or it may be as he wants to begin to start over and figure things out together.

 

Sometimes when people are stressed, or feel taken for granted, they seek that "need to be needed" from other sources; it sounds like he knew how stupid it was...which is more than some do!

 

I know you said the sex has been plentiful, but what about the emotional relationship? Have you been taking the time to take care of that as well?

[EvaGina]

I think this one is up to you and what you are comfortable with.

its good that he told you and that he didnt cheat, but this one is up to personal boundries.

[KimNYC]

Thanks Guys.

First, I feel like a fool because all the time he was going through his crap, I was cheering him on and being supportive. Then he turns around and feels the need to cheat. At the time sex was not overly abundunt. He'd reject me and tll me he was sorry, but he is just too stressed. We had a good talk after all of this came out, and I even felt like our relationship may become rejuvenated. I think it' my pride that is making me question whether to accept his honesty.

[friscodj]

We had a good talk after all of this came out, and I even felt like our relationship may become rejuvenated. I think it' my pride that is making me question whether to accept his honesty.

 

Well, this is a profound realization! You've done some good introspection with this I can tell, which is a huge step to figuring this out and/or getting past this.

 

I think once you sit with this awhile, let it percolate a little more, you'll find peace with it. You already expressed positivity that came from this in terms of your thinking and perspective of the relationship and I think there is more of that to come.

 

Just think at the opportunities he had amidst all his "confusion" to legitimately cheat on you. He had these opportunities (whether he helped create them or not) presented to him on a silver platter and he rejected them. There are certainly deeper and tangential issues here as well but this is the bottom line I think.

[RayKay]

While my boyfriend and I have never had infidelity issues, I can attest we have had some big things come up that had us have to seriously look at the relationship. It is painful, and often you do have that period of great...instability...but you can truly become stronger from it.

[Rabican]

last I checked thinking isnt a crime.

[KimNYC]

Thanks again guys. The more i think about it and try to get over it, the more I realize it is the right thing to do because we are a good team and it's worth it.

Rabican, he did a little more than just think...he actually hooked up with two different women and when the opportunity presented itself to have sex, he backed out and left.

[Rabican]

Thanks again guys. The more i think about it and try to get over it, the more I realize it is the right thing to do because we are a good team and it's worth it.

Rabican, he did a little more than just think...he actually hooked up with two different women and when the opportunity presented itself to have sex, he backed out and left.

 

You need to lay down the law with him then. I would tell him that if he continued to hang out with other women alone (putting himself in a dangerous situation) then it was over. He needs to avoid those situations entirely, on your behalf.

[Northalius]

In my own little book of relationship laws, willingly dwelling on the intent of cheating is a crime.

 

Being tempted to, but denying the very thought with will power, and love for your partner, is the right thing to do. If you find yourself constantly thinking about it, it's best to openly communicate with your partner, about what is lacking in the relationship. There's the difference between maturity, and immaturity; the difference between love, and the lack thereof.

 

There are no mistakes in cheating! It is a relationship crime! Whether physically done, or mentally.

 

The mind of my woman is what I care most about! And if she's fantasizing about other men all of the time, then I see she's just not the one for me.

 

Say: It's nice you told me, and thanks for being honest. But that alone gives me the thought that you just don't care about me as much as I cared about you; or else you'd have never even gone that far, as to meet these girls, THREE TIMES, in the first place.

 

Who's to say he'll not do it again in the future, if the time comes again?

 

I'd respectfully break up with a girl over that. Sorry, that's just me though.