Do you believe there is a 'just world'?

[Luke Skywalker]

Do people justly find their true love and soulmate or not? Is it easy, or something with much blood, toil and tears and strugle? How badly do you want your soulmate? Is this something that you are lucky enough to get - maybe if you are a good person you'll find a good match?

 

To guys who keep getting friendzoned or not getting relationships or just meeting the wrong people. To gals who keep getting used for sex or played upon or just meeting the wrong people. Or for people who have never been in a relationship or had any form of intimacy (real or false) before, past the age of 25 y/o. Do you believe that there is a 'just world'?

 

That is, the effort that is expended in finding the right person is reaping results in process, is what you would consider 'just' when you look at the overall circumstances? Or do you think that you are in some sort of 'unjust' world and feel like an innoscent 'victim' on something beyond your control?

The good guy who women sees as a brother but sees them go after jerks instead. The good gal, that cant seem to find a decent guy that is honest and doesn't want to use you. What do you think?

 

Or, do you think what ever you do, it's still up to forces of fate to work in your favour, and sometimes they do work in people's favour.

 

If you dont believe there is a 'just world' then maybe you give up looking for your soulmate or that special someone since there is a chance you may never find him or her?

[chai714]

Having a successful relationship has little to do with a "just" or "unjust" world. Each person has an approximately equal chance at having a good relationship. I use the word "approximately" because your childhood greatly affects the types of relationships you will have as an adult. For example, a child who has been in foster care who goes from home to home is not as likely to have a good relationship compared to a child who was raised in a stable family with two parents. However, each person is ultimately accountable for his own personal success - whether it be in relationships or not. Justifying the lack of or bad relationships by saying "it's an unjust world" is nothing more than a poor excuse.

[arwen]

Hey Luke,

 

I think that a lot in 'keeping dating the wrong people over and over again' has to do with a low self-image. As long as deep down someone has a belief that love is going to resolve that negative feeling about themselves, they will (although it may sound paradoxical), meet people who in fact only make that negative feeling stronger.

 

I have the sense that my bf is The One. But is he the Only Possible One? No, of course not. He is just the one out of the possible ones that I met at the right time

 

Maybe it helps to illustrate both of the above notes. I used to be a person who kept getting trapped in unhappy relationships. Especially the first one, later ones all had strong parallels (not my current one, I will come to that). Before you think I had an enormous amount of relationships: in fact I only had about 4 relationships, the first was 4 years, the second 2 months (lol), the third 4 months, the fourth 6 months.

 

Especially number 1 was in many respects not the man I needed. He was what I wanted at that moment though. I was unhappy for at least 3 out of the 4 years with him. Obsessed, repeatedly broken up, sleepless nights, turning into a skinny zombie like person that I wouldn't recognize as myself today. He was not a bad person, he was not the right person for me. His ego was more important to him than mine was to me, he emphasized things that he found he was doing better than me. For example, I am not shy, but I am not social either. I am too sensitive to be part of a crowd or group, because somehow I get tired of group dynamics. So I just enjoy meeting friends for coffee but I generally hate going out to dance, etc. So I did that a lot to see if he was right. I felt only worse. I feel better when my evening is quiet with music and just me and a book or one good friend. Another thing was that I kept adjusting my plans to his, simply because otherwise we wouldn't see each other that much. I needed more together-time then he did, I realize now that this does NOT make me clingy or whatever, I just need a certain amount of contact AND freedom to create a balanced connection.

 

Number 2 was even worse than number 1. He simply ignored my calls, offended me, etc. Number 3 lived so far away that I lost it. My anxiety was worst in this relationship. Also he was a much more social person than I was, which seeing the distance was not always easy on me. Number 4... was in fact just a friend. I call that the transition to meeting the right one.

 

Instead of looking for that attraction that led me to Mr. Wrong, I realized that if I kept initiating relationships based on the initial attraction, I'd have a hard time finding the right one. So first of all, after my LDR I stopped looking. I got befriended and developed that into a relationship. That was the other extreme of what I did before. The spark was not there (and as many of you know, he was asexual so we are just friends in fact).

 

But the level of comfort and security that I learned from that 'friendship' made me realize that in order to have a lasting relationship, I'd need a balanced mix of attraction (the 'chemistry') but most importantly a best mate. After around a year of being single, I met my current man and this is the first man I can see myself marry and start a family with.

 

From this experience, I have sometimes advised people to date people for a longer while even if they feel no spark in the beginning. For me, my bf and I already knew each other as housemates for TWO years. There was a bit of a spark but I never really paid attention to that. I was scared that 'that chemistry' would not develop, but it did. Now I have a best friend, mate and hottie in one, lol

 

Arwen

[Day_Walker]

I believe that a lot of people think they have found their soulmate but all the ever really find is the person that they have the most emotional connection to at that point. I dont want to get caught up saying that this life is just or unjust because the goal of dating/relationships are not to shake up with the first person you go out with. The idea is to find what you are looking for, if you are a person that constantly believes that this world is unfair then that just says that your dating/relationships are not up to par.

Dont put pressure on yourself to be on the lookout for a soulmate or a person to spend you life with. Life should be about the experiences and not being down because you do not have a significant other.

[Jetta]

It doesn't have to be hard to find a soulmate, but generally they are souls we have had experiences with and thereforeeee karma to work through in some cases. So once you meet said soulmate then stuff begins to happen. They aren't necessarily your ideal partner either. So you can look for your ideal or you can look for a soulmate. Neither is going to be bliss.

[Batya33]

To me love, including romantic love is a blessing not an entitlement. In general I think it all equals out - it might be that some people never find a romantic soulmate but have deeply satisfying friendships, others find "the one" but feel unfulfilled in their friendships. Yes, sometimes life is unfair but no one ever promised it would be fair.

 

It's not fair that my close friend died of cancer in her mid-30s 2.5 years after her wedding and just as she was coming into her own as a wonderful compassionate therapist to adolescents. It's not fair when someone who has rarely dated in favor of pursuing a career for 15 years decides in her late 30s "time to get married!" and meets "the one" within 2 months of joining eharmony - why didn't she have to go through all the heartache and disappointment of bad relationships? She might look at it as "I had to be lonely for 15 valentines days in a row so I deserve this." That's cool with me, too.

 

So, no it's not "just" but no one ever said it would be. I don't give love so that life will treat me fairly - I give love when I am inspired to give love to those people who I feel are worthy of that level of giving.

[Daddy Bear]

The world is full of snakes and flowers, and each person has the freedom of choice to wander in any direction s/he wishes. Someone who 'creates good karma' or 'does the Lord's work' by treating others well naturally attracts a better class of candidates for a partner that s/he can come to look upon as a 'soulmate'. Hate begets hate, and love begets love; it's as simple as that.

[EvaGina]

Hey Luke,

 

I think that a lot in 'keeping dating the wrong people over and over again' has to do with a low self-image. As long as deep down someone has a belief that love is going to resolve that negative feeling about themselves, they will (although it may sound paradoxical), meet people who in fact only make that negative feeling stronger.

 

I have the sense that my bf is The One. But is he the Only Possible One? No, of course not. He is just the one out of the possible ones that I met at the right time

 

Well said I totally agree

 

I dont see how people can say that all this bad stuff keeps happening to them over and over, but they keep engaging in the same behaviour...

[Leon]

Having a successful relationship has little to do with a "just" or "unjust" world. Each person has an approximately equal chance at having a good relationship. I use the word "approximately" because your childhood greatly affects the types of relationships you will have as an adult. For example, a child who has been in foster care who goes from home to home is not as likely to have a good relationship compared to a child who was raised in a stable family with two parents. However, each person is ultimately accountable for his own personal success - whether it be in relationships or not. Justifying the lack of or bad relationships by saying "it's an unjust world" is nothing more than a poor excuse.

 

Lol... I'm sorry... but some of the things you said detroys the conclusion you made. NOTHING in this life in garunteed. Every opportunity in life is fragile; one wrong move and your plans could be ruined, by ANYONE, including yourself. Whether it be on purpose or accident.