I need advice..this is insane!!!

[Littleone87]

Hey out there...anyone with any expereiences, or ideas, or suggestions, or anything to say about all this...I could really really use it. Thanks so much.

 

Here goes, sorry it's long:

My boyfriend of 4+ years and I have been VERY happy together, had a wonderful and very beneficial and loving relationship all along. We were, and still are best friends, and lovers, and we talk every single day. We only had one problem, I chose to go to a far away college because of pressure from my family, and not to go to the school I wanted, which turned out to also be his. The distance made us both very stressed and unhappy, and we picked at things, and it finally got to him that I didn't just stand up to my family and transfer schools since I was so unhappy. He's never outright said it, but I suspect that he had the idea that I chose to be apart from him because I was not as deeply commited as he wanted his fiance' to be. (He offered that he might propose a few times, we agreed that it was only a matter of time, and we definently wanted to get married.)

 

So, November of this year comes, and the stress of the holidays, and things not worknig for me at this school, and he being inable to help...we started fighting over the phone...not even real fights, but just persistent arguments that bothered both of us. We never meant it, couldn't even explain why, but we were both unable to comfort eachother, and it was driving us crazy. So, around the middle of the month, we agree to take a break, and he asks if we can be open. I at the time, say..ok...because I know I have noone else to see, or that I'm interested in, and I seriously doubt if he's got anyone else. A few days later, he asks me if I would be ok if he saw another girl. I tell him yeah, figuring it'd be completely innocent and unproductive, as we were still very much in love. He tells me he has a crush on this girl, and he tells me her name. ...I'm shocked, and pretty broken up. However, he tells me, he's not looking for anything from her, and he still loves me. He repeats that he still loves me. He offers that this is only an experiment, and that there's a good possibility that he will come back to me, with a ring. I'm still lost, but I tell him to go ahead, and that I'm ok with it.

 

My gut feeling was, which I told my best friend and my roomate: "What we had was Awesome, and nothing he can find will be anything close. He's got a feeling for her because he's lonely, frustrated, and surrounded by guys with a lot more freedom. He still loves me more than anything, and whoever she is, will see that off the bat, and He'll get himself dumped the same day he asks her out."

 

She actually dumped him twice in that same first day. =P. He told me everything. But, then she says that she needs more time, and that they should give it another chance after xmas break. So. We agree to all be single over xmas break, but of course he sees me, as we're still best friends. However, he couldn't keep away form me, and we ended up being just as intimate as ever, but with the hanging idea that he was going to try things with her in January if she decided she wanted to.

 

She decided to take him back. So, we have been "broken up", and he says he is now dating her, and in a relationship with her. However, he still says he loves me, still calls me every day, and before he goes to sleep, tells me all about everything we usually would tell each other, and he calls me when he gets upset.

 

He has now been seeing her for 3-4 weeks like this. She knows he calls me, he calls me in front of her. I don't know what he has said to her about us, or how she feels about it, but he's never asked me to back away, or not to be as affectionate. He has slipped and said he loves me on the phone, in front of her. He has slipped and said he loves me on IM, in front of her. He still plays World of Warcraft with me in all his freetime, when he could be chatting with her, or watching tv or hanging out with her. He invited me up to come see the opening of his work this past weekend...and to stay the night at his apartment. We agreed that I would meet her, and we'd be distant and like "good friends". The first night, we had a party, and had drinks, so she Had to stay over with us...and he ended up holding my hand during the movie we watched, despite my twitching nervously becuase she was sitting right next to him...and then when we all went to sleep, she curled up next to him, and he asked me to come down off of the couch behind him and lay with them. (I did reluctantly, only because the couch was not big enough..and layed a few feet away from the both of them) but I woke up, with him facing me, and his arm around me, with his back turned to her.

The second night, I broke down and wept uncontrollably trying to talk to him about it, and somehow after he comforted me we ended up being very passionate..and I ended up sleeping with him in his bed. He didn't see her at all the rest of that weekend, even though he had planned to, and he ended up cheating on her with me, twice. We agreed that it Did feel right, and so we just wouldn't say anything more about it. But...he also made it clear that he did not want to break up with her just yet, but that be loved me very very much.

(I have to be honest, he's my soulmate, and I was not in all of my faculties when all of this happened, so it never occurred to me to stop him before we got intimate again. I know we shouldn't have, and I regret doing that to her, but...at that moment it was just us somehow, and it seemed like it was right, so it never confronted my rational mind, or my conscience...until long into the 6 hour drive back to my school. By then, it hit hard, and I felt terrible.)

 

I gave him a few days to sort out his feelings before I asked him specifically what that weekend meant about us. He said he still loved me, and he always would. But that he needed more time, and he wasn't ready to end things with her yet. I asked him why, and he said he didn't know. I told him that it wasn't right, and it wasn't fair, and that what we had done should be the end of their relationship, and that for as long as he still loved me, it was not going to work for him to try to see other people. He agreed, but insisted that it he couldn't break up with her, but couldn't explain why. I got mad, and started crying...and I ended up blurting out that we were meant to be together, and that this was just another sign of it, and that if I were there right then, living there at his school in her place, that he would be with me. I told him he knew it was true. He sighed, and said "Yeah, it is." We then cried on the phone and talked for a couple of hours trying to cheer ourselves up. He mentioned that "sometimes I hope she'll break up with me." I asked him why, and he didn't answer.

 

So. That was last week. He continues to call me, every day, spend his time with me online, calls me 'baby' & 'hun', says he loves me, and tells me everything he's doing. He's still keeping me in the loop with all of his friends up there, and he mentioned just last night that he wants to drive all the way up here to stay with me for a visit during his spring break, since his break comes before mine. He said it in a frinedly way, and I could tell he meant it to sound like a 'get-together' invitation....but the underlying fact is that he's driving 6 hours each way to spend the night with me alone in my dorm, with only one bed availiable, and is not spending his break visiting his current girlfriend. Even if he does intend it to be honest this time, and platonic, and just a good time...he's still driving 6 hours to visit his 'ex girlfriend' and have a good time with her...instead of staying at his school with his current girl.

 

Now, my questions are....What can possibly be going through his head??? I want to be there for him however I can, in every way I can, and I still love him more than anything else in the world, and I want to get back together. I am planning to transfer to his school next year, both to alleviate the problems I have with my school, and in the chance that we might get together again for good.

 

My roomate tells me that what i've done is horrible, and that I need to end it all now, because I'm in an affair, and any relationship that falls into that is not one that is salvageable. She insists that if he really loved me, he would never have wanted her to begin with, and what we have is no longer a relationship at all...and I'm ruining his current relationship.

 

...But...the way I see it...did he ever really break up with me? I mean, he said that...but obviously he's saying things and doing others. My big point, is Why is she putting up with this? She doesn't know about the sex, but she Does know he loves me, and he spends a good deal of time talking to me, and that I spent the night alone with him in his apartment that weekend for some reason, and that he wants to come and visit me over his break. Now, if I were her, having just met him, only being together for a short time, I'd have dumped him for good Long before now. I probably wouldn't have taken him back after the first 2 times. Why is she allowing all of this?? Is it possible that he's with her just as some sort of companion? What on earth could that be?

 

Am I wrong for not pulling away from him, or making him chose one of us definently now? He's said several times he's not ready to decide what he wants, so I've tried to be patient, and I'm willing to wait for him to decide in his own time if it means moving in with him next year and having all the things we wanted all along. What can I do for him?

 

Is this actually an affair? ...and if so, what do we need to to do make good of it? ..or is there anything to be done?

 

...I still see him as my soulmate, and I still deeply believe that we were meant to be, and I see him affirming this in all of this madness. Does anyone see anything else by it?

 

Thanks a bunch for reading all this, any thoughts whatsoever would be Wonderful. Much love to you all, have a great day!

[darkpumpkin]

Wow. I guess the first impression I get from reading your post is that your boyfriend may love you but has no respect for you or a future relationship with you. He may have wanted to try dating new people but incase it didn't work out have you there so he could always go back. I mean if you two broke up and you did find someone new he would be left out. The reason why this girl may be holding on is either he is telling her things to conter-act everything she hears (which happens, I've done it when dating a guy and stil "seeing" my ex) or she doesn't really care. I believe from what you have written that he is playing you both. He has an ex-girlfriend with all the benifits of a girlfriend far away and a girfriend where he is. This doesn't help the fact of how much you love him. This won't easy the pain. Tell you the truth nothing will at this point. Question for you. Would you be happy with him in a future relationship with him knowing that for whatever reason you were not enough for him?

[Bethany]

There is no question in my mind that you know that this can't continue as it is hurting you and you need to stop this for your own self respect.

 

How you can even bear to be in the same room as them I don't know, let alone fall asleep beside them. I find the very thought sickening and his behaviour slefish, egotistcal and slightly twisted. He sounds like he's loving the attention more than he loves either of you.

 

And I understand that you are afraid to speak up and end this because you fear losing him, I really do. But what you have to understand that the longer you let this go on, the more it will hurt you, the less respect you will have for yourself, the less respect he will have for you and eventually lose him in the end anyway because of this weakness and inability to speak up.

 

Do what you fear most. ....You KNOW what that is, I don't even have to tell you.

[Funeral_Queen]

Woah.. I thought my situation was messed up.

 

The boy has the best of both worlds right now, he can pretty much get what he wants, when he wants. He probably does love/care about you, but he has no respect for you at all - if he did, he would know what he does is hurting you.

 

I would seriously consider cutting contact with this guy hey.

[finewhine]

What's going on in HIS head? Darling, with all due respect, what's going on in yours?

 

I understand that you're in love with this man, but you're letting him walk all over you. Dump him. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you allow someone to act like this towards you. He's got his own problems and his girlfriend has hers, but don't join them in their stupidity.

 

For, ultimately, this is a stupid situation. Stupid because telling someone you love them while dating someone else is stupid. Stupid because believing someone when they tell you they love you while they're dating someone else is stupid. Stupid because sleeping in the same bed as your ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend is stupid (and horrifying!). Stupid because not believing in yourself to be worthy of better treatment is stupid (and awful).

 

We've all done stupid things. Just don't continue.

 

I feel really bad because you don't seem to know your own worth.