A final bruise, but at least it's closure.

[littlebylittle]

Hey There,

 

 

A little warning

Before I start – A warning. Anyone new to this forum, in this “getting back together” section – THE SOONER YOU ACCEPT YOUR LOSS THE SOONER YOU WILL START HEALING. No idea why I have bothered typing that, I’ve read it hundreds of times in other posts and dismissed it because ‘they weren’t in love like I was’ or ‘It’s different for us’ or ‘We were meant to be’. Which ever of those responses you are having to the sentence in CAPS just remember – if your relationship is meant to be, it will, in the meantime accept you loss, understand you’ll hurt, but MOVE FORWARD.

 

My Story

My other posts can be found here:

 

 

 

 

 

A quick synopsis for those that don't fancy reading........with ex for 15 months-ish, splilt up due to my insecurity issues, end November. Did NC for a few weeks in Jan/Feb, still holding up hope for reconciliation. Found out in Feb that ex is moving hundreds of miles away. Saw this as good and bad as I thought it helped me move on as it would mean not having to see her at work.

 

The Final Act

However, deep down I still held out some stupid hope that somehow, somewhere, she'd contact me in the months to come and like a movie script we'd be back together....and then today I found out she has another bloke already in the town she's moving back to, and has had for at least 7 weeks. The thing that upsets me is that I found out from someone at work, someone she told this to weeks ago who she hardly even knows.

 

Bruises

Looking back it just feels like another slap, dumped by text message - and even then I had to actually ask her outright because she kept side-stepping the question. I later found out she told someone who works for me before she actually did the deed....Tries to lean on me for support in the new year when she was feeling low. Asks to be friends as she appreciates my support and the fact I've always been there for her.......and finally I find out from people I work with, not even close to her, that she is seeing someone else.

 

Paranoia?

So what's my beef? - I should have been moving on anyway right? - well yes, and I was, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I think the real slap in the face, is how quickly I was replaced (thanks Alanis). 3-4 weeks as far as I can tell. Being an anxious over thinker it also makes me want to find out exactly when she started seeing this chap, I don't know why - it won't do me any good but I can't help myself. She visited the town she is moving back to a couple of weeks before we split up – to visit her friends, never having done that in the months we'd been together. The weekend after we split up she also went to this town, when normally she'd go home to her parents if she was down and needed support. This leads me to wonder if there was some 'cross-over' between myself and the new chap?

 

Now, I realise that I shouldn't care and should probably say "good riddance, I hope you had the time of your life" (Thanks Greenday) but I somehow feel like I need to know. I was dumped for being insecure having thought her feelings had changed and she wasn't being honest. Now it seems that maybe I had good cause and was justified in questioning her feelings. Then again maybe I'm just thinking this to make myself feel better! - Don't worry, I hold my hands up for my part in the failure of the relationship, I really do. I think I'm just curious as it would change my thoughts on whether or not I can ever consider being friends with her.

 

Moving forward, this final piece of news has helped me close the lid on this relationship and snuff out that final flame of hope. A sad but happy moment at the same time.

 

I want to be bitter, I want to be angry, but I still care for her (first time I've said care, not love).

 

So, my question.

 

History Repeating

She has a history of moving straight from one relationship to the next, with no break and has done this for 12 years, in 7 relationships, leaving and then getting back with ex's, even a marriage along the way. She's also moved around the country for these men, and dumped every job she's ever been in when things got challenging or tough. On top of this she is unable to face any conflict - I was married before and found arguments part and parcel of my marriage and view them as healthy - she is absolutely unable to face any challenge or conflict whatsoever and runs the second that things get difficult (be it work or relationship). I can look back at her past and see that she clearly has some issues to tackle but seems unable to be honest with herself or maybe can't even see them - she takes no responsibility for the breakup of our relationship BTW. She simply cannot be on her own, I thought it might be different this time as she is moving in with friends but even so, she seems to NEED a man in her life.

 

I care for her, I want to be able to talk to her as a friend and try and help her overcome the issues she has that she seems unable to confront or admit. She's now 30 and wants children in the next few years. I'm really worried that it's like she's been on a roulette wheel for the last 12 years bumping in and out of numbers (men). With the pressure of time and age I'm concerned that the next couple of years will see her jumping through some more relationships before finally having children with the wrong man. I can genuinely see no other outcome. I might be wrong, I might just be bitter.

 

To Care or Not to Care?

As a friend I want to open her eyes, but realise that it will just sound like a bitter ex. I still care and simply don't want to see her make the same mistakes over and over. So, do I say something or not? I'm currently in two minds:

 

1 - Why the f*** should I. She destroyed me.

2 - I still care and can't see someone continue to stumble through life rather than revel in it.

 

Thoughts on this and a kind word here or there would really help…..

 

Thanks

 

 

Happy Footnote

Hey – on the plus side, this breakup has changed my life completely. I never thought I’d hear myself say it but “THIS COULD BE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME”.

[mustbefate]

I agree.

 

This was the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. Having to watch the person I had planned on spending the rest of my life with repeatedly make the same mistakes. This time around, I think that she's on the verge of self-destruction. Any idea how hard that is having to sit back and just watch?!

 

I suppose that's why they call it "tough love".

 

Good luck to you

[littlebylittle]

Indeed.

 

I guess that's my query - I'm not sure I can sit back and watch her do it again. The others might have been able to. She might not take any notice. BUT I feel like I'd be letting myself down if I didn't do what I think is right, she can ignore the advice, but I think I've got to say it.

 

A healthy gap of a few months might be the answer I guess.

 

Good luck straight back at ya...

[majord23]

Happy Footnote

Hey – on the plus side, this breakup has changed my life completely. I never thought I’d hear myself say it but “THIS COULD BE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME”.

 

It will be mate, it will be.

 

I have had my heartbroken a few times over the years, but each one has turned into a positive experience - both because I learnt alot about myself and alot about how a relationship *should* work - and what role I had to play in that.

If you are starting to see that this *could* be a good thing already, then you are way ahead of the game littlebylittle...way ahead.

 

It's tough, and you will have countless questions that you may never get answers to - in all honesty, you don't need the answers pal. All that matters is that you learn about YOU...because you can't make her grow, you can only make yourself grow.

 

Hang in there mate and keep posting.

[mustbefate]

I look at it the other way around... at least in my case. I think that the problem is that she never had to deal with this on her own. Hell, I know that she was getting relationship advice from her prior ex when her and I were together. I'm not putting myself through that! ...And nor should you

 

Keep this motto in-mind: "My life is a full-time job."

[littlebylittle]

Thank you.

 

Very true, I guess compared to some I am 'ahead of the game'.

 

I know that I'll pursue those answers until I get them and have no doubt they'll not be what I wanted to hear anyway!!!

 

Hey, I've grown more personally in the last 2+ months than in the last 10 years and strangely enough I actually want to thank her for that - but it's me that's done all the hard work!

 

As for making her grow - I saw a massive change in her in the time we were together, others have also commented on it - particularly her self esteem. Maybe I'm an idiot but, whilst I can't force her to grow, I can at least say my piece and maybe at least open her eyes.

[littlebylittle]

mustbefate - I guess you are right - Not fair on her new man either!

 

Then again, I cannot let her keep doing it. I'll leave it a few months and if I still feel the need I'll do it then. I'm guessing by then I'll have moved on too much to care.

[fnlyfrei]

I care for her, I want to be able to talk to her as a friend and try and help her overcome the issues she has that she seems unable to confront or admit. She's now 30 and wants children in the next few years. I'm really worried that it's like she's been on a roulette wheel for the last 12 years bumping in and out of numbers (men). With the pressure of time and age I'm concerned that the next couple of years will see her jumping through some more relationships before finally having children with the wrong man. I can genuinely see no other outcome. I might be wrong, I might just be bitter.

 

 

 

 

Um...I kind of do not see why it would be up to you to try to "fix" her...I have had that experience before...when exes try to reproach me by pointing out what is wrong with me...or what THEY think is wrong...and becoming very bad therapists or counselors. You can't counsel someone you are or have been involved with. Leave that up to the professionals. Just accept that it is over. Uninvolve yourself. She will have to learn her lessons on her own.

[littlebylittle]

I see where you are coming from. I know that I've had too much investment in her as a partner to be entirely objective.

 

I'm certainly not trying to fix her - I'd like for her to at least take a first step towards helping herself - I don't want to tell her much more than she was told by her friends and family before she got together with me - it's not just what "I" think she needs to address. I disagree that you can't counsel someone you have been involved with - sometimes those people know you better than anyone - once the dust had settled my ex-wife gave me very sound advice and guidance on a regular basis - which she would not have been able to do had she not been my wife/partner.

 

Maybe she will have to learn her lessons on her own, that doesn't stop me thinking it's callous to let someone continue to hurt themselves, which seems to be what you are suggesting.

 

I accept it's not my place, that doesn't mean I shouldn't care. That just isn't me and would be being untrue to myself.

[fnlyfrei]

Okay...point taken. But if being involved in such a way hurts and affects YOU.....and she isn't listening to you anyway...who are you helping? Who are you hurting? It IS okay to care. Unless it is impedeing you from moving on yourself with your own life. If I met a cool guy like you and you were still trying to help your ex...I would wonder. Is this all keeping you from finding someone new? From your posts you sound like a wonderful guy. Someone will be lucky when you are ready to give them your 100% attention !

And you cannot stop someone from hurting themselves...you sound VERY invested in her. No matter what you claim. Sorry.

[littlebylittle]

Hey fnlyfrei

 

First and foremost don't ever be sorry for giving your opinion - you can only say it as you see it - and that's were the value is!

 

Secondly - you're too kind - not sure wonderful is accurate! I guess I'd fall into the unfortunate bracket of nice! -But thanks for the compliment.

 

I think I can say, hand on heart, I still care for her very much but my motives are to stop her hurting herself - I feel suitably detached to be honest. However, to take on board your points maybe she will not be interested or take no notice - maybe this is just an exercise in me doing what I think is right which is for my benefit in reality.

 

I am invested in her - in so far as I still very much care what happens to her and would probably find it hard to say no if she asked to try again (hopefully not for much longer). I cannot foresee myself having a relationship with anyone else for some time to come, I've spent 12 years in relationships - I'm only 29 (only...) so at present I guess any woman I meet will be getting quite a bit less than 100% attention - most is on myself, 5% on the ex.....(hopefully soon even less, esp when she moves).

 

You are right when you say that you cannot stop people hurting themselves - my friends told me not to get married as they could see it was wrong - but I didn't listen and had to learn the lesson myself. The same as reading all the posts people put on this site about moving on - it's not been long since I joined this site but already I can see my own desperate hopes and wishes sounded out in other peoples new posts - that desperation to get someone back....yet now I find myself here trying to tell those people to move on - knowing I ignored every word of it!! I guess telling her will be just the same exercise in futility. BUT, if it at least triggers a doubt, then maybe, just maybe, I'll save someone from making bigger mistakes along the road.

 

I just can't help myself from trying to help her, but not just because it's her, but just because nobody wants to see someone throw away a potenitally happy life?

 

Thanks again fnlyfrei, you've certainly given me food for thought and put a smile on my face!

[Parsley]

Thanks for posting that. Reading through your post makes me slap myself and go "You have **** all to be sad about". But it also has made me feel better for the fact that I'm not the only one to have stuff like that happen...I didn't word that correctly.

 

You said that you felt insecure about her feelings, but were made to feel like they meant nothing by her? I felt the same way for such a long time...to the point where I wasn't sure I could trust my own thoughts, and it devastated me. Then when he dumped me I found out that he'd known all about how I was feeling, what I was doing (changed medication for him) and had chosen to carry on letting me think that way, because it was easier for him.

 

I don't understand people who can do that. I honestly don't.

 

Also, you reminded me of the fact that Time of Your Life is also called Good Riddance, and something clicked in my head.

 

Good luck. You deserve so so so SO much better, and will get so so so SO much better.

[majord23]

I accept it's not my place, that doesn't mean I shouldn't care. That just isn't me and would be being untrue to myself.

 

Then be untrue to yourself.

 

Littlebylittle - what if I told you that you keep choosing the wrong kind of women?

OR if I told you that your haircut was atrocious

OR if I told you that your fashion-sense was out of date?

 

What would be your first reaction? You'd get defensive - no matter how many people had told you previously, and no matter who those people were - you'd get defensive.

 

True change comes with personal realisation, not from others 'informing' us of our 'faults'. If your ex is exhibiting destructive behaviour, NOTHING that you can say will make her see the light or change her ways.

 

You might feel satisfied with what you'e said...she will feel nothing but resentment.

 

And to be honest - if I was your ex, I would view it as advice coming from someone with an ulterior motive - even if that wasn't the case.

[littlebylittle]

Parsley - I've been following your own posts for some time - I don't tend to respond much to people on here as I'm not sure I'm in a position to be offering advice - so apologies for not taking the time to give you my thoughts during your hour of need - especially as you seem relentless in helping others.

 

As far as what you say is concerned, I'm glad that I've given you something of value. I'm sorry to hear that you have been in the same spiral of insecurity that results in you ending up questioning yourself over and over despite the assurance from your partner. It's really awful to be feeling unsure about your partners feelings and just being so unable to accept it when they say "everything is fine". Then again, I always came to the conclusion that the fact I was insecure actually generated the spiral in the first place - but even if that is the case, someone that truly loves you will take the time to help you, nurture you, and hand hold you if necessary....not DUMP you. That is what true love should be - give and take - not "oh, you are doing my head in being insecure, bu**er off" which is how I feel I was treated.

 

As for Good Riddance - I don't mean that in a bad way, and I don't really think the lyrics intend that either - It's a good sentiment to carry though, it's almost like "hey, it didn't work, I know I gave it my all, I hope you enjoyed what I gave you - but ultimately, maybe I really didn't need you afterall, and just maybe I'll be stronger without you" - that's my take anyhow.

 

I can't comment on whether I deserve better - thanks though. I think I'm an OK sort of bloke, I'm caring and thoughtful but not the alpha male that you ladies seem so obsessed with. Already I'm sure I've discovered that I am certainly worth more than has been given to me, worth more than a text after 15 months, worth more than being humiliated by her telling people that work for me that I was dumped before even telling me, I'm worth much more. So yes, someone out there will eventually get the benefit of me - and the sick and bitter part of me somehow wishes she (the ex) will be there to see that in the months and years to come. whoops?!

 

Majord23 - "You might feel satisfied with what you've said...she will feel nothing but resentment."

 

...and there in lies the answer - thank you for the clarity, the overwhelming clarity. I would feel satisfied with having eased my conscience, but ultimately she won't change and thus it would be an entirely selfish exercise. Wise words indeed.

 

---

 

.........and yes, my haircut is atrocious.....but I can accept that as I'm not insecure about it!!! ;-)

[majord23]

littlebylittle - you strike me as someone who is walking the tightrope that hangs between insight and impulse.

Most people would be swaying towards (and acting upon) impulse right now.

 

However, you are counting to 10, posting here, receiving (and considering) advice - as long as you maintain that level head and keep posting, you'll take the right path - and it will be the path that you choose, not that which someone has suggested.

 

It all comes down to self realisation and obtaining a sense of objectivity - something that you are well on the way to achieving.

 

You really are doing great mate - and should be proud. Hang in there.

[littlebylittle]

Thank you Majord - that is very kind of you to say.

 

Lets hope I stay on the insight side of things eh...I think I'm getting further and further onto that side to be honest, the more you get kicked in the b*lls the easier it seems. Pain becomes reflection, reflection becomes hope, and on we go.

 

I guess I've always been an emotional person, lead by my head more often than not (accept at work bizarrely, where my job dictates I'm analytical)...anyhow, it was being impulsive and rash that caused me to lose something so dear to me - i.e. the ex, so I guess I've learnt a lesson to stand back and suck in a deep breath - if nothing else!

 

As for counting to 10, posting, receiving advice, and then moving on - it certainly seems to be the best way to prevent myself having regrets. I've just sank four bottles of wine with my housemate so would, in the dark days of the past, be texting my ex......however, I have no desire to do that whatsoever. I guess that is partly down to moving on, partly down to me having found a sense of dignity, but equally a result of reading the advice that people are kind enough to take the time to put on here.

 

It really strikes me that I have no idea who you are, no idea who Parsley is, no idea who any of the regular contributers are. No idea at all. Yet these people, you, have the good will and sense of support to take the time to give a kind word or pass on your experience.

 

A general enotalone thank you is certainly well overdue from me. I'd like to think in the months to come I'll still login and post to help others along like you are now.

 

Cheers

[littlebylittle]

What a great day.

 

I'm a stickler for keeping things from trips - menus from your first meal with someone, tickets from museums, brochures from hotels, city maps....etc etc. I've always liked to put them in albums along with photo's - I think it makes it that touch more special.

 

I've got 6 holidays worth of photo's waiting to be put in albums and a draw full of the above. Last night I stopped looking at this stuff, stopped thinking "even though it's over, I'll still put it together" - Last night I decided, no you won't - just get on with your own life. I've boxed it all up and put it in the loft.

 

This morning I came into work and was able to nod and say hi to the ex and felt only the smallest of pangs - all in all a great 24 hours.

 

Despite my posts to the contrary last night I think I've decided that I won't say anything about her 'issues'. I think I've definitely arrived at the conclusion that it is none of my business and people only really learn a lesson if they teach it themselves.

 

Anyhow.

 

Keep smiling everyone. Just needed a quick rant.

[shadow34]

Hello Little my friend ,

 

I am also one for keeping everything...

 

But all I was going to really add was as much as we know they need help because they keep repeating the same patterns, deep down we know they arent going to even believe that and want to change.

 

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink...

 

or I say

 

You can lead a horse to water and if they dont drink drown them...

 

Muahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[Parsley]

littlebylittle - thank you You're right - that's what happens with the insecurity...you think something's wrong, you're told you're not but you can't help feeling that way. I don't think the fact that there actually was something wrong helped that. And also in my case I always heard things like "nah, it's alright, see ya" and was reassured before he pulled away again almost instantly. If he ever got closer for that matter.

 

I'm having a bit of trouble thinking "It didn't work out, oh well, we had some good times" Today I managed to rip the pedestal out from beneath him, but am having some major difficuties in not beating him severely with it.

 

I don't think you can be blamed for having a part of you that wants her to realise what she's lost. I want my ex to realise that. I know it's not the healthiest approach, but I reckon it's one of those things that you have to let yourself feel for awhile. Otherwise your self-worth would come crashing down, and would take a long time to rebuild.

 

It seems to be quite common to keep everything! I keep so much stuff it's ridiculous. Bus tickets, cinema tickets, train tickers, brochues, packaging, doodles, even my old school timetables..I used to stick them all over my walls, but now I've started using scrapbooks. With my ex I never had enough things besides bus tickets and a couple of paper lanterns. I threw them away instantly. Deleted his pictures off my computer that day too. Pretty much the same with my previous ex - but I had a whole shoebox full. I went around the night we broke up and put absolutely everything about us two as a couple in that box, and gave it to my best friend. I didn't want that destroyed because I knew I'd be friends with him one day, and I didn't want to forget those times. And I am friends with him, good friends. That's never going to happen with this ex though. Never.

[littlebylittle]

Tough day today.

 

Your desire to beat your ex with the pedestal you put him on must have rubbed off.

 

I think I've moved into a bitter stage. Angry even. I really didn't want to feel like this, but today I could have happily walked over to the ex at work and said "Hi, I hope that in several months time you contact me. I hope your life is hollow and miserable without me. I hope your new man builds you up and then breaks your heart into a thousand pieces. But you know what, most of all I hope you come back begging because I'll enjoy throwing that back in your face".

 

However, this was promptly followed by a very tough afternoon where I swang wildly back to deep sorrow at losing her and pangs of regret. For a horrid 5 minutes I thought I might actually break into tears. Thankfully I didn't, but I could do without these waves of emotion being quite so high!

 

Oh well, another 10 days and she'll be leaving work and I'm starting to think I'll probably never hear from her again.

 

*sigh* - what a day. A little Whisky and Alan Partridge me thinks.

[majord23]

However, this was promptly followed by a very tough afternoon where I swang wildly back to deep sorrow at losing her and pangs of regret. For a horrid 5 minutes I thought I might actually break into tears. Thankfully I didn't, but I could do without these waves of emotion being quite so high!

 

Oh well, another 10 days and she'll be leaving work and I'm starting to think I'll probably never hear from her again.

 

*sigh* - what a day. A little Whisky and Alan Partridge me thinks.

 

Ugh.

I remember those days little. A year ago I was going through the same thing and I couldn't understand why. There was nothing external that I was reacting to - my moods would change almost instantly - from anger, to depression, to hopefullness, to philosphical and acceptance...all within an episode of Buzzcocks.

 

Working out is often touted as a good way to combat the tough times, and to be completely honest it is what worked for me alot of the time. When I was working out, I felt good...probably serotonin related, but effective nonetheless.

Just know that although I viewed my ex as the solution to my problem, not once did I contact her. As much as I wanted to, either to yell at her or to plead for her to come back, or just to let her know that I missed her.

 

Gradually though, I felt better - it was then that I realised that if I had started to feel better without contacting her then it was obvious that she was *not* the solution afterall. Time was, time and allowing myself to grieve without distracting myself by involving her in the process.

 

There is no easy way through this - no magic words, thoughts or actions that will get you through this. Just time mate...as much as I wish I could give you something more.

[littlebylittle]

hey there Majord

 

Thanks, yet again, wise words and kindly spoken.

 

Yep, working out has helped, there's plenty of emotion to push out those last reps or miles on the bike. Certainly feel great afterwards.

 

I think not contacting her will be the hardest thing. I see her 5 days a week now, once she's gone maybe it'll be harder to not want to hear from her, maybe it will be easier? I just don't know and accept that time will tell.

 

The one thing I do know is that I'm determined to never contact her once she has gone, I'm not going to lower myself to that - and that's how I see it now, why should I give her the satisfaction of knowing I'm still hurting. I might not have her, but I've got to keep some dignity.

 

She's coming over on Sunday to pick up some stuff, I'm sure that will be the hardest day yet, but I'm determined to hold my chin up - well, I am right now, but I've had half a bottle of Whisky so that's quite easy to be confident. I suspect come Sunday I'm going to find it incredibly hard to not ask the question - "are you absolutely sure about this, what we had cannot have just evaporated, I love you, please reconsider?" - Part of me wants to say that as I have some stupid illusion that just because I'm still in love with her maybe she is with me, it's too horrid to think that she doesn't care in teh same way me anymore....despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

 

Maybe that is the hardest thing of all isn't being without them, it's accepting that they lost their love for you. To think of the times and feelings you shared and now only you feel those things with any true meaning. To the ex they are just fading memories and in my case, memories that will fade all the quicker with a new man in her life to help her move on.

 

If I could wish for one thing, it would not be to have her back, it would be to know that our relationship failed when she experienced the real me - not the version I ended up being and she ended up losing love for. At least then I would know that I gave it my best shot and it just wasn't right. As it stands I still feel like the wuss-bag she ended up with failed her and me, the real me, the one I have now would still be with her. That sounds suspiciously like regret though - which is no use to anyone.

 

*sigh* even Partridge is struggling to raise a smile this evening.

[littlebylittle]

I feel so destroyed tonight.

 

My heart is in pieces again.

 

Why do I wanto to hold her.

 

Why do I want to stroke her face.

 

Why do I want to kiss her lips.

 

Why do I want to run my hand along her back.

 

Why do I want to smell her near me.

 

Why do I want hold her in my arms.

 

Why do I want to feel her just near me.

 

Why do I want to look in her eyes and see love looking back at me.

 

Why do I want to hold her hand as I fall asleep.

 

Why do I want look into her eyes until the day I die.

 

Why do I want to be the father of her children.

 

Why do I want to feel complete again.

 

Why do I want to feel that thing that only those in love will ever know?

 

Why doesn't she feel these things?

 

Why am I covered in my own tears yet again?

[majord23]

Hang in there buddy.

[littlebylittle]

I'm trying Majord, I'm trying

 

God. Am I trying.

 

Tonight just feels so so painful.

 

I know it'll pass. I know I'll be different in the morning. But f*** does it hurt.