Broken up or not?

[reastie]

My girlfriend and I of 3 years next March possibly broke up over the weekend. The possibly comes from the fact that we had an argument whilst drinking on saturday night where I stupidly told her that maybe we shouldn't be together, she had provoked but I did over react, I instantly took it back but she now wont speak to me.

I went to see her on Sunday where she said very angrily that it's over and that i should leave. Since, she hasn't returned any texts or calls.

Now I am feeling awful because not only have I been dumped but I somehow seem to have lost the moral high ground from what I said. Now I think a drunken silly argument in what I think is otherwise a good relationship should be forgiven, it's not as if I cheated on her.

We do, or I thought, love each other very much and I can understand her anger but surely if you love someone then that anger should have subsided 3 days on. On the other hand maybe there were other issues and this is a bit of an excuse to finish it, I'm still really hoping that she will come round but the lack of contact means that I don't know whether to hope and fight for it ie get something nice for valentines etc or go onto NC which I will find hard. It all seems such a waste but it is hard that someone you have loved so much, shared so much and trusted so much can at a flick of a switch become so cold and distant, like a stranger.

Please any advice, should I fight or do NC, I still love her very much. At the very least I thought at the end of a 3 year relationship I should be given a proper chance to discuss reasons etc with her and know the score. Or am I being naive as to how relationships normally end.

Thanks in advance

[EvaGina]

one point of view: she wants you to grovel, to chase her, to indulge in a grand romantic gesture to make up for what you said.

[Jeffrey2095]

Seems like a pretty short time... since last weekend.

 

It was said while drunk, and I would think that she would forgive you eventually... not too much longer.

 

I wouldn't think of total NC necessarily just yet.

 

Maybe, in the sense of giving her a little more time to heal.

 

Hope this comes out alright... three years is a long time to toss because of one unfortunate evening.

 

V-day... maybe a very nice card, modest box of candy and a beautiful heart to heart message in the card, asking at the end if she might forgive you and call you...

 

But, in the meantime (what 2 days) I wouldn't call her everyday etc.

 

P. S. I think Eva has some good advice for this also.

 

Good luck

 

Jeff

[lostinreading]

Ok, I would suggest the following:

 

Send her a letter telling her you love her, you're sorry you said those things, you didn't mean any of it, you don't think a drunken argument is enough of a reason to break up and you'd still like the chance to make things work. Say that if she wants to give things another try then to get in touch but if she really wants to move on then its probably best if you don't speak for a while. Then do NC.

 

don't beg, don't plead, just be clear about your feelings for her and your desire to make things work, but CALMLY does it. Don't freak out and smother her with emotion, you won't thank yourself later.

 

If she wants to make things work, she'll get in touch. If she doesn't, she won't. NC might make her realise what she's missing, but any amount of weepy "come back to me!" phone calls/texts aint gonna do nothing and will probably have the opposite effect.

 

All of this is covered a zillion times accross this site but I thought I'd lay it down just for you

 

You have to ask yourself why you said you didn't think you should be together, no matter how drunk you are, learn not to play with words like that, especially those words, because as you can see, you might get what you wish for, however drunkenly you wish!

 

Best of luck.

[terk2021]

I agree with lostinreading. Document your thoughts, and let her know how you feel. Sometimes alcohol, and the heat of the moment can make us say and do things we would normally not do. By writing down your thoughts and sending them to her, it will truly give her time to digest what you have to say. Nothing can truly replace talking face to face, but this may be a better approach.

 

A fight over alcohol should truly not kill a relationship, unless there is more to it behind the scenes.

[heloladies21]

The things we get ourselves into when we're drunk....

 

Give her a couple of days to cool off then revisit the situation. Call and explain it as just a drunken conversation and people aren't in control of themselves when they get drunk. But if you start to get the resistance, time to stick up for yourself and turn it on her. I'd say something to the effect of (in an stern tone) "if you're gonna let one meaningless drunken conversation ruin a relationship like this then you don't really care about me anyways." You can't grovel forever and if as you suspect this is just an excuse for her wanting to dump you for loss of interest, she needs to get called out on it as you are no fool.

[EvaGina]

okies, Im going to say somthing that might not be popular

 

She might have wanted "out" for a while but not known how to do it

This could be her way of getting what she wants without being the bad guy.

[reastie]

I think you possibly might have a point but in the mean time I'm trying to hope not. I'm trying to be positive, if she loves me enough then she will hopefully come back to me and if not then, maybe we're both better off out. That at least makes sense for a couple of minutes in between my 12 hour shifts of desperately wanting her back

I think I have given her the perfect opportunity to get out, and I guess that'll make the getting over harder. I think it's a waiting game and I know it hasn't been long compared to most in here but it already seems an age.

[terk2021]

NC vs hard court press (the advice battles on enotalone)... If you love this woman, then you need to let her know it. If you made a mistake, then let her know it. Don't chase, but let her know how you feel. One of the old sayings go, "you never knew what you had until you lost it".

 

Find the middle ground between letting things working themselves out vs constant contact. I can't call myself an expert, but when I I have gone to one extreme or the other, it seems to never work out. But, then again, ever situation is different.

 

Good luck my friend.

[reastie]

Well still no contact but I have bought a nice V-card and in it explained how I feel. That I'm sorry, I love her I want to get back with her and that if she, like I do think we're a good couple then we can work our way through harder bits together like good relationships do. Also that if not then if she explains her reasons to me then I will leave her alone.

Hope this wasn't a mistake and there was no massive romantic gesture but the truth, as I hate playing games and even though it may seem like I'm losing a bit of dignity telling her everything that is going to build up her self esteem, I feel that it's saying what i want to say in not too a begging way. The worst thing she could do is not answer. If she does then either we get back together, if she wants a bit of space I give it her or I have an amicable break up then NC for a while.

Maybe I'm being optimistic about a) her getting back to me, and b) my reactions to a negative response but I know she at least used to care a lot about me and I will at least know one way or another which is so much better than just this uncertainty.

What does anyone think?

[reastie]

I haven't given it to her yet!!

[heloladies21]

That's fine, but be I'd stay away from giving her more time and space as it's been long enough now and there is the highest probablity thatshe won't give you a straight answer and will string you along while she considers her options and you are no backup plan.

 

If she's not 100% all about you after this whole relationship you've been in, then you don't want her anyways.

[reastie]

Hi well there has been no reply and I don't think in the near future there will be any. I think I have to move on, I know it hasn't been long but really starting to think if she loved me then it wouldn't be such a big deal to forgive. I guess she feels i broke up with her yet I feel like it is her doing despite my muck up. There were certain situations around our future that made it hard, but I thought hard shouldn't be the end.

Everyone I speak to thinks she is treating me really badly by not contacting me but I guess they're getting only my point of view, I don't know her point though. Feel hurt by her but think she feels the same way. She seems incredibly angry with me but I suspect it might be her making herself angry at me as a way of stopping herself from feeling guilt or hurt because this is possibly what she was kind of planning.

I don't think I should contact her at all, we still have keys for each others flat and she owes me money, I know she wouldn't deliberately not give me it but think she has forgotten and feel I can't ask for it and keep at least a slight bit of a moral high ground.

Also starting to think that although I love her so much, the situation isn't totally what I want and at times, betwen really missing her, feel a slight weight of my shoulders. Also she will know how much I'm hurting and she doesn't seem to care, could I ever trust her again? Ideally if there was no way forward together, I'd want to finish with a sensible discussion and an amicable parting so we could after a sizeable break at least keep in some sort of contact maybe. Is the amicable discussion either realistic or needed? I want her to be happy, i really do and if she doesn't want to have me then I would want her to know that I will always be ther for her, if she really needed me.

I stress not as a doormat but as a genuine friend, she was and I guess will be one of the loves of my life.

I am going to start NC tomorrow, at least on my side. Any thoughts?

[Openheart1]

In this situation, I would say she is being selfish by disappearing on you without any kind of explanation other than her being angry. Even so, I'd say give her what she wants. She wants you gone, be gone. I know it will be weird and you will feel like you can fix it, but rest assured that anger does dissipate and she will contact you, as she hasn't even told you if she is breaking up with you or not. Do not chase, leave her be. Do it because you love her. Respect her, but she also has to realize that there is a chance you can build up a resentment towards her. It goes both ways: she chooses to run, let her, but she must be prepared for the consequences. Take care.

[reastie]

Openheart, thanks for replying. After 5 days of nothing from her I feel strangely happy about my future. Due to that I feel a guilt that I'm letting go easily, that's not saying that I don't miss her. I feel positives about the future without her and bad about that if that makes sense to anyone???? Part of me really hopes she feels the same way whilst at the same time, not resentment but curiosity and hurt that she can just leave so much unsaid. I want to speak to her but at the same time I hope she doeasn't call me until I feel a bit stronger that I will say no if she wants to get back together. I genuinely feel although we love each other, at least what I thought, it's for the best we don't get back together.

Is this selfish, does anyone at all understand where I'm coming from?

[hol234]

Hope things will get better for you!

[Openheart1]

Reastie,

 

I truly understand how you feel. When I ended the friendship with my ex-girlfriend, it felt as if I was giving up. However, we spent 7 months trying to be friends with one another after she left, but my expectations were too high. That combined with her inability to get over our break up and keeping in touch kept the process going until I built up a resentment towards her that will take a good deal of time to heal.

 

Now, I am not saying that you two are broken up, but I would strongly encourage you to give yourself another 2 weeks or so. That should be enough time to both give her enough time to get over her issues WHILE giving you enough time to heal as much as you need to for your next encounter with her. It might be difficult, but it sounds like you are mature about this situation.

 

I figure by the end of the two weeks, approach her with a quick little phone call to see how she is. If she does not respond, unfortunately you have your answer. This should tell you volumes about the type of person she is when it comes to difficult situations. Long term, this behavior would manifest itself in so many horrible ways, which would ultimately cause much more emotional trauma. Imagine kids, being married, her dealing with a family death, etc. It could all spark this kind of behavior which would only bring you down.

 

Take care.

[Coniston]

Hi,

 

Lostinreading's advice is good.

 

One thing that struck me in your message is "lost the moral highground". That's not what relationships or communication are about. It's about being really open and honest, or trying to get to that open place so you can be close. No-one wants to be with someone who thinks they are superior.

 

You're right, you deserve some explanations and not being cut off. But you probably hurt her in what you said. I think a well thought out letter is a good idea and give her time. Words are powerful and precious, and best chosen with care.

 

By the way, I'm in England and want to check that I'm reading NC right - no communication?

 

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.