I feel like I'll never find the right guy. It's so depressing.

[g1234567890h]

My girlfriend was convinced I was a great catch and she spend all semester trying to catch my attention. I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the moment so I wasn't really receptive. She tried to sit by me and talk to me and flirt, but I just didn't catch on until she asked me out on a date.

 

I have some pretty good qualities in a guy. I'm a preschool teacher so I'm really good with kids. I'm compassionate, sensitive, and caring. You kind of have to be to work this job. I'm in college full time working towards a PhD. I'm a published professional writer and author. I've written ten books and currently working on five. I'm really good with people and I'm going to become a therapist someday and a college professor. I'm getting straight A's in college. I'm pretty sure I'll be making six figures (US) by the time I'm thirty, so that's pretty ambitious.

 

Sure, there are guys who hold themselves to pretty high standards. They're out there. Sometimes you have to go after them because sometimes they won't go after you. I have not dated a single girl who I went after. They always went after me.

[Lily04]

 

Sure, there are guys who hold themselves to pretty high standards. They're out there. Sometimes you have to go after them because sometimes they won't go after you. I have not dated a single girl who I went after. They always went after me.

 

Why will you not go after girls? Are you shy, or just don't care to try?

[g1234567890h]

Why will you not go after girls? Are you shy, or just don't care to try?

 

I never needed to because girls ask me for dates on a regular basis. I want my girlfriend to be someone who's confident and knows what she wants. I'm in a really good relationship right now and she came after me pretty persistently in the beginning. Of course, I responded to her and we're doing great now.

[Batya33]

Sure, a man could have a similar wish list. I'm not in therapy anymore, but I see your point, I suppose.......I'm not really sure where to "compromise" so to speak. I am not typically attracted to the type of guys who take an interest in me though, I usually just see them as friends. And the arrogant intelligent guys aren't necessarily "Mr. Stud" material at all....they just have personal charisma I suppose. I just can't seem to find anyone though....the 'shy guy' isn't even responding to me now. Maybe I came off too strong and he's not interested. I'm not sure, I just feel so confused.

 

My guess is you confuse arrogance with masculinity or see it as "sexy" somehow. As far as going after guys, unless it's very different with 20 somethings than it was 15 years ago when I was 20 something, most men are flattered when you pursue them and most men end up going out seriously with women they pursue. As far as the guy who posted about his girlfriend pursuing him, from what he posted on a different thread they are not officially committed (at least at the time he posted) so I wouldn't compare that type of relationship to the type you are seeking - I assume you do want to be officially committed with potential for the long term, right?

[lifestream]

yeah. but i'm not sure we're really that compatible either. I suppose we have similar interests, he seems really smart, dedicated, but not that witty or confident. at least he seems a bit awkward around me....but he is attractive as well. I'm more quirky and sociable though it seems.....I don't know. I suppose we can go out for coffee or something if one of us gets the nerve to push this further....

 

What do you expect? Oscar Wilde in the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Throw in some Robin Williams, Donald Trump, Ronaldinho, Humphrey Bogart, Frederic Chopin and we might have a winner!

Give me a break! I can't stand people complaining about their love life when they have something right in front of them that they don't think is worth keeping for the simple fact "Cerulean? But I wanted Turquoise..."

This is what frustrates all the wallflowers amongst us. We're simply not the shade you're looking for. You're looking for perfect colors, colors so pure that they don't exist in this reality.

 

“When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.” Abraham J. Heschel

 

Perfection is a bond between two people, and no amount of personality traits can ever duplicate that.

[Lily04]

Hey Lifestream....

 

Thanks for your post. I think you're right...I just needed that jolt of reality... likely because I am such a perfectionist myself. I never think anything is good enough....I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years now, and i've had multiple opportunities, there's something not quite right about that i think...

 

This boy is quite a catch. I'm just scared of failure and at the same time make excuses for why no one is even 'good enough', including myself at times. I think it's worth giving a chance perhaps....so I messaged him yesterday but he didn't respond yet. That's alright. I messaged his friend today on Facebook (who I just added) and asked him if he knows if he likes me by any chance...if he mentioned anything about me to him. We both met at his birthday party....and if he says he's not sure, I may ask him to forward my msg. to him to see. I think he does like me but is too shy to do anything about it....he's a really cute guy though, and very talented....at the same time I think I may be a bit worried about that. That if we start dating, he sees my gpa isn't so perfect myself and all that....the thing is that he's very accomplished, has a perfect gpa, his dad is a prof. here, I think he's also a bit of a perfectionist....and I think our family backgrounds are very different as well. My family is not very well-off, none of my parents attended university... also he likely knows multiple languages whereas I only know English fluently. I'm not sure....if this matters. I suppose I'm starting to see the flaws in myself now.

[lifestream]

Hey, sorry for sounding a bit blunt earlier...

Part of it was me being mad at myself, being in the same situation but letting it get away.

 

I find that most people don't look for what you've failed to accomplish, but what you are, and what you mean to them on a personal level. No one needs to be perfect, because perfection isn't attainable. The only thing we can do is give it our all in every aspect of our lives. No one can ask for more.

 

If you do date just remember to try and keep it fun and everything should fall in to place

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Thanks; you sound pretty wise. You're right... I shouldn't keep thinking about what I lack, but what I have....and I suppose I was thinking about the complexities that can arise. Another thing I found out is that he is Jewish and I am not....but this is all long-term thinking. As Batya said though, I tend to look for commitment, I'm not really the type to just have random flings/sex with people (sometimes I wish I could, but I think i'm too complicated for that lol....) although I don't think he's that type either. We're both sorta long-term/commitment type of people which is good I think....so yeah. there's definitely potential....I would like to try to explore it, which is what I told his friend essentially (I said that I find him sorta cute and would like to get to know him better)... but nothing is happening!! so we'll see....

[Lily04]

Well. I'm an idiot. T here was this insanely hot guy at the library who was sitting beside me on the computer, and started chatting with me but i was too shy and didn't keep up the convo. and then left for lunch. and now i'm back and i think i see him again but he's studying at his own little desk and i don't know if i should talk with him or how, or what....... he is reallllllllly hot though, i am even surprised he started talking with me. but he was really cute, like i type insanely fast and then he tried to mimic me and we started laughing.....but then had no idea what to say. it wasn't awkward, just sorta... I don't know. I decided I should go and study and left without saying anything.

 

Any suggestions? Should I just leave this or try to talk with him? I have no idea what to say now.....I have to learn to take advantage of opportunities a bit more i think.......he's probably thinking the same thing though.

[Lily04]

meh, i'm going to say it wasn't meant to be and get back to studying lol.

[Lansing]

What he is thinking is "she wasn't interested in me"

[Lily04]

probably...

[Lily04]

well I got a msg. back from the guy's friend and he said he's actually not that close with him and he has no idea if he's interested in me, unfortunately.

 

so... I don't know. I am left wondering.

[Batya33]

No wondering. If he is interested he will ask you out. It's a bit high schoolish, in my opinion, to ask a third party if he's interested or not. And, interested in what? If he were interested in dating you, he would ask you out, not simply tell his friend he was interested.

[Lily04]

Well perhaps. His friend and I were both at his birthday party, so i thought he might say something about being attracted to me. I don't think it is 'highschoolish' to ask a 'third party' if we're both friends in any case.

[Batya33]

If I heard that a man was asking my friend if I was interested in him instead of asking me out or having a conversation with me I would find it a bit immature, silly and passive. Perhaps he will think it is "cute." Keep us posted!

[Lily04]

right, but i'm a girl and he is the one not asking me out. I am still attempting to have a conversation with him though, it's not like i'm ignoring him and asking my friend. I don't see anything wrong with it personally, it's an attempt to gather more info. about why he's not responding!

[Batya33]

I understand the gender difference. Most adults I know do not like having information gathered about them in that way - by going behind their back to the people who know them - the way to gather information is simple - talk to him and see how he reacts. Period.

[lifestream]

I understand the gender difference. Most adults I know do not like having information gathered about them in that way - by going behind their back to the people who know them - the way to gather information is simple - talk to him and see how he reacts. Period.

 

I have to agree with this one. I personally think it's a little strange for someone to collect information on me without me knowing. Just ask.

 

I think if you really want to figure things out, you'll ask directly.

 

Remind me why you guys haven't talked directly for a while?

[Lily04]

Ok. So I took your advice and ASKED him out!!!! hahaha. Although it was in a very casual way. I just asked if he wanted to work out with me after my exam on Thursday, as it would be cool to see him instead of always wondering when we would meet...something like that. And he responded back that he's actually really busy before the weekend, but thanks for asking and it'd be cool to work out on sat./sunday morning with me instead if i want. I guess that's not so bad. I mean it was a pretty casual request to begin with, so he may not have even taken it as a 'date' per se.

 

But secondly, I messaged him on Sunday... as he said he hopes to see me at the gym at some point, but was sick all last week so he didn't see me. And then I asked why he didn't seem that enthused to see me last time we met, and asked how this conference went if he attended. (That was the msg. to which he didn't respond.) So then he responded saying that by coincidence he was just writing me back at the same time (I sorta doubt it, but who knows, his status was 'online') and wrote me this realllly sweet response. Saying basically that he's always happy to see me whenever he does, he was probably just fatigued from his workout and ready to leave when I found him...something along those lines. So we'll see.....basically I don't think there's a point in forcing anything either. I have a feeling that there is some chemistry between us and as people were saying, I should just explore things even if it's not 'perfect' which is why I asked him out. But at the same time I still think something is missing...i'm not sure my more outgoing personality will match so well with his more studious and socially reserved persona, so we'll see.

 

What do you guys think? I'm not sure if he asked his friend anything, I prob. shouldn't have asked him... i was secretly thinking of asking his friend to forward the msg. to him if he said he liked me, I didn't think of asking at all like you guys had!! Because I know guy friends of mine in the past have asked my friends if I was attracted to them "behind my back" so to speak, and I didn't care...but I see your point, I suppose.

 

Lily

[Batya33]

I think what you did is fine - you conveyed interest, you asked him to join you in an activity you both like (I assume your hair doesn't frizz when you sweat - mine does which is why I never liked the working out together thing early on, lol), and he responded favorably. Ball is now in his court . .. .

[Lily04]

Thanks Batya... well i'll see. He didn't specify a time in the morning and I would feel weird asking him what time he works out now... maybe I shouldn't though. At the same time, as I live about an hour away, it's a bit hard for me to come down in the morning, depending on when he works out... afternoon is generally better for me. hmm.

[Batya33]

I would leave the ball in his court. If he wants to make sure he sees you at the gym, he will contact you and ask you when you will be there. I do not think you should ask him when he is going because you don't need to jump through hoops to be there completely at his convenience. It should be a joint decision - you already asked him whether he wanted to meet Saturday, he said he did and if he really does he will show interest in making sure the timing works.

[Lily04]

hey,

 

no I asked if he wanted to meet on Thursday. He said that he can't, but he'll be at the gym again on Sat. and Sunday morning, if I want to drop by sometime then. which is sorta ambiguous about the timing........but oh well. so you don't think i should reply at all and say whether i'll be there or not? right now there's no plan to meet..

[Batya33]

Just e-mail him to confirm that you will be there Saturday morning. If he is interested in making sure he gets to see you, he will either be there the entire morning or he will reply to get a more specific time. From my perspective the ball is in his court - you've made it abundantly clear you are interested in spending time with him - anything else from you will seem pushy, in my humble opinion.