Selfworth shot to pieces

[mintblossom]

My selfworth and selfesteem is shot to pieces. I just feel so ashamed and disgusted at the choices I made in men over the past several years.

 

I've been away from anyone harmful for about almost a year now. Away from the abuser for 2+ years, but from harmful men only about one year.

 

This year has brought me a lot of clarity, insight, understanding, wisdom, and new choices. But yet, I carry the shame, blame, guilt, disgust, horror, regret of yesteryears. I think that is one of the things blocking people (or at least me) from achieving real clarity. It means we must face our past shameful actions, choices, decisions, and behavior which we choose no longer to indulge in.

 

In fact, some of the things I've done over the past 10 years. I would never do again. I was so messed up. I'm a lot better now, but I feel like I betrayed myself. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself. I should have protected myself better. I should have made better decisions etc.

 

So my self-esteem and self-worth has been really affected by this. I know I have come a long way....but the past memories really bother me.

 

Just thinking that those people that hurt me get a glee, a kick and probably enjoyment of what they did and how much I hurt......it makes me feel very ill. I worry about running into them again. I don't want to share the same breathing air or space with them. Don't even want to look at them. But at the same time, I want to show them how much of a better and greater person I have become. This is strange to me why I still care to show them that. But it makes me feel very sick and ill to think they know what they did to me and they probably enjoyed the lies and manipulation and abuse.

 

I have a hard time with this, especially the sexual abuse. I think that was worse than anything.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello Teardrops,

 

I'm sorry to hear about the things that unthinking, uncaring people have done to you in the past. It is hard to let go sometimes...

 

I myself had some similar circumstances and have also been haunted by what others have said and done to me.

 

Actually though, it sounds as though you have at least recognized them for what they are... people who get self esteem or just pleasure from tearing down someone else.

 

I think what has helped me almost eliminate those bad memories is keeping myself busy...

 

The bad stuff will slowly fade into your subconscious where it belongs.

 

I almost never dwell on those memories where before it would haunt my every waking moment.

 

Pour your self into a new hobby, or just keep hanging out here... it is good therapy.

 

Good luck and best wishes

 

Jeff

[robowarrior]

You can't change the past, but you can try to make the best of the future.

 

By deciding to let the enemy into your castle it will get reduced to ruins. Then you have two choices , you can either cry over your ruined castle or rebuild it.

 

Rebuilding is the only option, but you must also have learned from the past. You said you obtained wisdom, but i will give you some more ,just in case. You need to be like a castle gate, close yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself to good people/things/events, push the evil out of your life, and bring the joy and happyness in. Remember its your choice to bring evil into your life, that may well go hidden as a wolve in sheeps clothes. Be carefull and recognize the evil that people want to bring into your life to merely satisfy their own selfish desires, you need to dispose of these kind of people like garbage.

[afrodite79]

I know exaclty how you feel. It's really hard for me to learn to love and respect myself when Ive made so many mistakes in the past. I keep thinking back on things that happened with the men i dealt with and it makes me hate myself. I wonder if i deserved it. All i feel is shame and hate for myself. It makes me wonder if i can trust myself to choose a man who's actualy a good person. It makes me wonder if i'm even good enough for a good man at all. At least I feel like I've learned from those mistakes. I'm still a little too scared to get back out there for a while though.

[Guest97]

By learning to love and respect ourselves we actually are able to give more to people who care about us. So, don't think that it is selfish to love yourself - it is not. I know I have to do it because it will bring happiness and better life to those who care about me. Selflove, selfrespect and care about oneself is a nessecity and not a luxury. I have experienced things that destroyed me, but always tried to put myself back together and think about it as a bad dream and not reality. So, put yourself together and do it.

[mintblossom]

It's not to say that I don't have self-esteem. In fact, I think I am worth more than to be treated by anyone in such a way. For example, having the phone hung up on me, being yelled at by a boy, having the door slammed in my face. I don't deserve any of that. I will not take that from anyone now. I will not stay meekly in place and be passive and just accept that.

 

But it's like dealing with the residue of what happened. I sit and I think "WHY did I just take that kind of behavior?" Why didn't I see it sooner and remove myself from the situations? Why didn't I cut off contact with abusive people sooner instead of letting it drag on? Why didn't I pay attention to how I was treated?

 

Thoughts like that have a tendency to make my heart drop into my stomach like a stone. I feel sad. I didn't have to take any of that ugly behavior by sketchy people.

 

There were environmental factors that were contributed to my decisions at the time: being bullied at school for a long time, criticism and negativity at home, financial problems at home, unable to love myself, mild body image disorder, spiraling and worsening depression, being forced to have sex by exbf for first time (very traumatic), repressing my hurt feelings, having no one to talk to, no mentors, no guidance, no extended family nearby, no "real" friends, surrounded by fake users, hurt by school, roommates, teachers, cigarettes, drop in grades, stuck in an engineering program with unfriendly classmates, being around a ghetto environment, faced with having to make new friends, rejection, fear of failure, procrastination, lack of organization, messiness, unhygenic and disheveled, parents yelling and screaming, violence at home because "I was bad", no one listening to me, being called a liar, told that I'm making excuses, broken relationship with siblings, loss of money and jewelry, abusive ex (he was literally a petty criminal and quite controlling, dominating, brainwashing, crazy), lack of sleep, failing classes....

 

I can see why I got myself in bad situations. But it still doesn't make it easier to fix problems. It still doesn't mean everything's under my control.

 

Just means that I try very hard to rise above it all now. Never done drug or alcohol. Won't date abusive men. Etc.

 

I try to write it out now. Here on a forum, where I feel listened to.

[Guest97]

Any time I ended up in bad situation - I try to think about it as a bad dream, like it never happened. There is no reason to go over those in memory. I know we all do it and wish we had done things differently. Get yourself a hobby, do things you like to do with people you like and try not to think about all the troubles. It helps, really.

[i1dr]

Teardrops ... from what I read in that first post ... I think you have reason to be proud. It is not so much where you are today but in which direction you are heading in - that counts .... and you are heading upwards!