i guess this is it

[boontahr]

my posts tend to be long, so i apologize in advance

 

for a few weeks now, i could just sense that my gf of 8.5 months was just getting... tired (whether it was tired of me, or a relationship i'm not sure). she would basically tell me that she needs her space (which i respected and honored, even though at first i took it a little personally) but things didn't seem to get any better when she would obviously be uncomfortable physically with me. she wouldn't want to hold my hand, would shy away from kissing and sex was a no.

 

my bf instincts told me that she either 1) has gotten bored with me or 2) is seeing someone else. i know that option 2 is something that is easily the first thing to pop up into my head at least when something seems off/weird, but i wanted to confront the issue and tried to see exactly where she stood in our relationship.

 

she would try to make it seem like everything's fine and that she's just 'going thruogh a stage in her life right now' but eventually she told me that yeah perhaps she is getting a bit tired of us. she has a history of getting bored with guys and leaving them after a month, so i always had this as a worry in the back of my head, and it was just kinda tough to realize that it happened with me as well.

 

the thing is, she just wouldn't admit flat out that she's tired and has no interest anymore. she will say 'i love you' but then complains about anything that i do that she doesn't like, and will say that i treat her like sh*t (in those words). i know i'm not the most perfect person and yes i may get defensive during arguments and whatnot, but honestly i felt that i was improving in terms of trying to realize those faults and try to work on them (ex: knowing when to take a breather and keep my head on straight because i know its just adrenaline kicking in during an argument which messes everything up).

 

to me, she just seemed to have given up, but was still wanting all the things she EXPECTED from a relationship (bf who understands in all situations, who will never question her or challenge her thoughts or opinions, someone to always be there, someone who will never fail to keep a cool head and speak in a certain calm tone even if there is reason to be upset etc) without willing to invest in the relationship. i'm not saying i didn't want to be all those things for her, but i think i gradually came to not respect that of her because she is the type of person who either loves it or leaves it. if something/someone bothers her in any way, she tends to not want to have anything to do with it if it yields no... rewards i guess. that generally applies to us all, but its like ridiculous with her sometimes, i can't disagree with her on anything without her getting upset and saying i'm a bad bf, i should treat her like she matters and all that.

 

i know i'm ranting, but i guess this is just my way of getting over the whole thing. i finally just had it with her when one night she basically told me again all the things about me she hates and that she feels so much better when i've given her space because she doesn't need me, and that she feels good about herself when she doesn't talk to me on the phone, she even complained that i was keeping her up at night because we had to get into this discussion, as if i'm not worth the effort nor time... i had to ask myself why do i put up with this?

 

the next day she texts me 'i love you!' and other sweety stuff but it meant nothing to me, i realized that she is simply trying to put on a smile and act like everythings OK because that's the way she does things (passive aggressive). and later that night i told her it's over for good, because i can't be in a 'relationship' where i know she's grown tired of me, that i know will continually go in a cycle of everythings ok but everythings not, where one of us is only concerned with what they WANT in the end and not how to work together in any way to get there... she didn't take it too kindly, i guess i wouldn't have either, but i felt like i was finally just standing up for myself and be willing to let go and not fall into the trap of pretending things are ok when they obviously are not.

 

sorry for writing SO much, i tend to keep away from the forums and then return with long streams of consciousness (or something) when there doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go.

 

the funny/sad thing is i almost don't care that we're done. ever since a few weeks ago when she said she was tired of me and showed no willingness to talk about what's bothering her or what we can do, i think i just knew this was inevitable. i almost wish i could set my feelings aside and still give it a shot, but i think its safe to say that i'm only setting myself up once again for pain/failure.

 

basically i wanted out because i felt that she simply got bored, but couldn't admit it, so she kinda resorted to picking out reasons for herself as to why she's not into me anymore. or maybe she did have those reasons to begin with, but in any case she just wasn't that into me anymore.

 

as with most of my other posts, i'm not really looking for specific advice or anything, just had to get things off my chest and maybe look for a hug =T

 

[theme song for the moment is: damien rice - rootless tree]

[Drizown]

*Hug* seeing as that's what you were looking for.

 

As for your ex... im like her in a sense or at least i was like her. I would get "bored" not a term id pick but yah and at that point id start to dwell on faults or things I didn't like about that person until I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Chances are she'll ask for you back because her intention was probably to end things with you at some point not have it turn around on her lol

[savoie]

i love damien rice - so i had to respond.

 

you guys really have a hard time understanding each other. it seems you both feel that the other is cruel. so you broke up with her because you thought she was bored or because she didn't make you happy?

[boontahr]

i guess it would be both. it was painfully obvious that something about us had grown stale or tired for her. because of this and a few other things; mainly the fact that she pretty much demonized me in a way, i think its a whole other topic, but if i ever chose to disagree with her on something, she would get very defensive and compare me to her father who was not that supportive of her. trust me, i've tried to talk this thing out and get to the root of the issues we both might've had, but it was getting nowhere. it was apparently easier for her to see me as a representation of her father whom she has aggression and frustration toward and take it out on me.

 

because of that, she would in any situation begin to think the worst of me. she wouldn't share what's on her mind for fear that i would 'use it against her later on,' and would just stop bothering to try really because she would just see me as this really bad thing in her life. i really wished that i could've been more patient and understanding, but her constant attacks at me and pessimistic attitude just took a toll. there's only so much i can take when someone is constantly thinking the worst of me.

 

i wouldn't say its necessarily because of something i did to deserve it either. yes i admit i've yelled and said nasty things in the heat of arguing, but like i said, i've honestly been toning that down and have not blown up in a while. this whole thing of her thinking the worst of me goes all the way back to the beginning of the relationship when she would constantly say 'you're gonna cheat on me' and accuse me of that sort of thing. it was hard and painful then, but i somehow managed to fight through that and hopefully showed her that it's not like that. so when she did the same thing just in a different context, i just felt like this was her way of trying to make me feel guilty in a way and giving herself a reason to not care and say bye bye.

 

perhaps i'm doing the same thing, thinking the worst of her, but i just don't feel any sort of remorse at this point... drizown: yeah, my worst-case scenario thought was that she just was just trying to be nice because she wanted me to stick around until valentine's day to do something nice for her and then she'd just go on with making me feel like i'm the worst bf ever.

[savoie]

well.......it really sounds like she has some fears that she had a difficult time talking to you about. why do you think she didn't trust you? was it really that random or was it tied into something else that she was concerned about where you are concerned? What were her main complaints about you?

 

i can't tell if you are wanting to talk about this or not. but if my questions are not helping you to move on......that is not my intention here. i will let you decide the direction of this conversation.

[boontahr]

i think i'm doing ok with getting over it.

 

but i guess for the sake of learning and seeing things in retrospect; there would be times where she'd be in a really crummy mood (PMS anyone?), and some of that crumminess would come directed at me. earlier on, i would have a hard time dealing with this because i didnt' understand why she'd be taking it out on me. as it went on, i came to accept that perhaps if you're grumpy, the people closer to you are the ones who you feel like you can express it around (i do that too sometimes).

 

if i had to nail this sort of fear of talking to me about things on something, it'd be when i would try to tell her that she shouldn't be so grumpy towards me or others around her. i realized she's not the type of person who can take criticism very easily (it's not easy for anyone i suppose, but she gets DEFENSIVE)

 

it's almost scary: i watched a recent episode of 'Everybody Hates Chris' and in it theres a segment where the mother character comes looking for the father to vent about how she felt like a coworker was dissing her hair. the father suggests that maybe she took it the wrong way. mother instantly says, 'oh what, now you're taking her side?' and goes into an argument from there. i swear we had the same thing happen between us (before i saw the show); she felt her friend was being mean and thinking the worst of her, and i suggested that maybe there was a misunderstanding and that she took it the wrong way. first words out of her mouth (after she hung up on me and i called back) was 'you're taking her side now over me?'

 

this over-sensitivity is what led to her completely alienating me i think. no matter how much i tried to talk to her or get her to simply listen to my side of thinking, she would just want me to drop the subject and tell her i love her and just say she's right, that i should be more understanding and be better bf because, i love this line, 'i'm your gf, you should treat me like you care.' a bit controlling now that i look back on it.

[savoie]

it sounds like you had alot to deal with. moodiness, insecurity and stubborness are difficult to deal with. you had your hands full!

 

sounds like she is emotionally spoiled or maybe even chemically imbalanced.

whatever it is, it seems that you genuinly cared for her and gave it your best.

the fact that you are here tells me that you are somewhat unsure of your decision. but unless she gets some help for her moods - your life would be a rollercoaster ride.

[boontahr]

to try and see things from her side though for a change, i could be just as moody, insecure and stubborn. i've always had a problem with my self confidence and i shared this with her and she did try to encourage me that way. we both KNOW we're stubborn, and maybe that's why we couldn't get past seeing each other as so cruel...

 

as for chemically imbalanced, i can't say for sure because i have zero experience with that topic. i did try and suggest perhaps she should seek counseling of some sort for the issues she is finding that she has. i myself took counseling for some of the temper problems i had within the relationship, but quickly learned with my counselor that i dont' necessarily have an anger problem in general, but that it came out when i was in this relationship with her.

 

yeah, i think i'm here to talk about this because i only wish it was different. i'm not sure if i'm doubting i made the right choice, but i wish it was a choice i didn't have to make. we can't expect things to be perfect though right? i wanted it to work between us i really did, i wished that we could actually help each other grow and communicate and help one another out through problems and all that stuff i would think would be a part of companionship.

 

part of me says we just weren't the 'right' people (what is that anyway) for each other. the other part says i might've given up because i'm being selfish and no longer want to feel hurt and in turn be hurtful.

 

one thing that causes me to feel like i gave up is that she would ask me 'so your love is just reciprocal, you only feel loving if i'm being loving?' whenever i would say i don't feel like she cared or appreciated me, and that it frustrated me sometimes. and no, i don't think love should be reciprocal and conditional, but if it seems like the relationship is not really a relationship because one of us or the other doesn't seem to care much for it, then i have a problem with it. is this one of those 'make you feel guilty' sort of things?

[savoie]

i honestly don't know if it was a guilt trip she was laying on you or not. it certainly sounds like she would spin your attempts to talk with her......and make it about her issues. the two of you were talking in circles and instead of really listening to one another - it sounds like blame was flying around. nothing can get resolved when that happens.....and history continues to repeat itself. that is a tough situation to be in - when you feel that there is something special between you but the communication fails.

[boontahr]

agreed ](*,)

[savoie]

it is normal to second guess yourself in situations like this. i know its hard to let go or hold on for another try. i am going back and forth with that myself.

 

when your happiness in contingent on the actions of another - i think the best think to do is to walk away, gracefully. if they come back to you - let them show you that things are different. if you are receptive to that and things have changed - then you have something to work with. but unless that happens - you will likely end up in the same place.

[boontahr]

that does make sense.

thanks for the replies and thoughts savoie, i do appreciate them

[Drizown]

It's true that it is expected to be second guessing yourself

 

But speaking from experience of dealing with the same mind set as your ex (well what i can tell from your story anyway) the comments that she directed were meant to push you away whether it was intentional or not.

 

At the point where she was she was still remembering the good aspects of your relationship but dwelling on the negatives and thus pushing you away.

 

If this was the case which i think it was then you couldn't have done anything and shouldn't be second guessing yourself. It was only a matter of time before that bullet had to be bit.

[boontahr]

she IMed me tonight, and even called later on trying to just chat. i kept my guard up expecting her to try and segue into a discussion about us, and soon enough it happened. I was firm in trying to really just talk to her about what i'm realizing about relationships from ours, but she would continuously be defensive and try and steer the conversation toward her opinions about what didn't work. it was the usual 'you're too _____' or 'all i wanted from you was ______ and you couldn't just shut up and do that.' i know i may sound like i'm making her out to be a real b*tch or something, but honestly i've completely realized that she is mainly upset about things where her expectations were not met.

 

what i could not understand was why she was calling me to even try and argue, i told her that we were done because we both [i acknowledged that i wasn't perfect in building our relationship] could not get ourselves to grow nor communicate effectively. i mentioned that perhaps we both got 'tired' because we both weren't satisfied with our expectations in the relationship. i used an example with her, which i guess i should've thought about before i did, but she instantly shut off to that idea. she would keep saying things like 'thats your opinion, stop trying to get me to agree,' which constantly clued me in that it is true that she simply doesn't want to hear it if its something that is disagreeable to her. i later tried to bring the same point to the table but this time used myself as an example, and she sure was quick to agree when it was me at fault.

 

i honestly tried my best to share what i felt wasn't working without placing blame on her, because i know it takes two of us to work it out. during this talk, she mentioned how it didn't work because she's more comfortable with someone who is just laid-back and chill, whereas i'm someone who gets all 'technical' with relationships. she said that relationships aren't a business between two people. i said that i agree, a relationship isn't like some business deal where we sign contracts and go through legalities and follow rules and that sort of thing. but i disagreed that relationships are simply being 'chill and laid back.' she said that she didn't mean for the people to not care or anything like that, but i couldn't help but feel like all she was saying was that i needed to just give her what she wanted to make her happy so that we can have a 'nice' relationship.

 

i think her telling me things her way was because she wanted to give it at least that last try. the problem was that that is all she wanted, for me to give in and 'show my weak side,' and give myself back to her. when i could not do that and was on a different page than her, it would only upset her more.

 

she wasn't getting what she wanted, and that seemed to be the basis of the relationship while it lasted, which led to her ultimately being dissatisfied with me. even during this last conversation, she would tell me to just be quiet because she didn't want to hear anything i had to say. i wanted to leave her with saying one thing, which was to try and learn from what went on between us, to learn more about herself, and learn what doesn't work in a relationship. she only got upset and retorted, 'no, why would i want to think about you, i promise after this i'm going to forget completely about you' or something to that effect.

 

i feel genuinely sad, that this is what it came down to. i felt like i had clarity with her for the first time in realizing what kind of person she is. i know we all have issues that may stem from a very deep area, and i tried to understand that. i just realized that this is not someone i feel like i can have a real relationship with at this point, and though i'm partially glad i realized that, i'm also just naturally saddened by it.

 

i felt like tonight i truly stood up for what i wanted in a healthy relationship, that i was really letting my heart AND mind (not just emotions) come out, all the while acknowledging that i dont' claim to know everything about HAVING a healthy relationship or how to help make it function, but at least the things that make a certain sense. it's just heart wrenching now to know that my ex still at the very end didn't want to even understand that part of me, and was only focused on trying to make me give in to my weakness for her, because Lord knows how weak i've been up til now for her.

 

i have so many assumptions and so many things i want to say about her as to why she does what she does, but i think she needs time to reflect, and so do i.

 

just another rant session, sorry for taking up so much space, i just needed to share.