crossing my fingers for him to not be the GM

[singingnotflying]

My "husband" (I call him such, but we're not technically married) is a real go-getter, hardcore. He's going down to basically tell this woman who owns a local coffee shop/restaurant/bar why she needs him to be her general manager. The problem with this in our relationship is he'll never be around. The store's open-hours are from 8 am to 2 pm. He hasn't discussed with me if this is okay. He just assumes it is. And I'm too chicken to bring it up because I don't want to rain on his parade. He's working very hard to get his life together (he's a non-drinking alcoholic & also recently quit smoking weed because of some court stuff), and he's doing it both for himself & for our family unit (we have a nine-month-old son).

 

He's the type of guy who hasn't been around very much for this reason or that. When we were first dating, I thought it was cute that he was the "mayor of this town"... i.e., so popular & friendly that he might as well have been. But now, that is both physically taking him away from his family, plus I have been taking care of the baby virtually all by myself, and I hardly get time to myself at all. All these months, he's convinced me that his "work" is networking, mingling, talking to people... at coffee shops, bars, what-have-you. And so this new move is just like an extension of that, to the extreme. He says he'll make time for us & make time for me if I need to do things on my own, but already this week, he's said he has to "fit (me) into (his) schedule", which is insulting enough... but I've also had to put off for several days or a week things that I need to do for my own well-being (such as get to meetings).

 

He's got so much going on for him, and I stay at home with the baby until I can be "fit in." And to add to the reasons for me to feel jealousy, we were on the phone last night while he was driving, and he told me that some teenage girls were waving at him from their vehicle. He said "Well, don't be jealous, because I can have the world in my palm" & something-or-other how that relates to being a successful community & business man. Now, of course I care if he's successful & feels good about himself. And maybe I do take my jealousy a bit far. And it was half my decision to have a baby in the first place. But doesn't it seem there is something askew in all of this? So I keep my mouth shut about my dislike of his life decisions so it seems I'm supportive, but he knows I'm being passive-aggressive too. Anyway, thanks for reading this long-winded paragraph. It's mostly a rant, but if you have any suggestions to throw at me, that'd be great.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Wow, that's complicated. It sounds like being so busy and stuff is just part of who he is. Yet, as a married man, he has a responsibility to support his wife emortionally, etc.

 

One thing that I see askew is that you need to get a babysitter and make time for yourself. One night a week might do it; or maybe some afternoons. If you're gettting careworn as basically a single parent, I would address that. If he's not going to be there and take the baby off your hands so you can have some time for yourself, you're going to have to do it for yourself.

 

Also, you might not feel so bad about him not being there if you start meeting your own needs - are you seeing your friends, family? Are you doing anything for yourself? Since he's not going to meet your needs, you're going to have to do it yourself until this crisis point is over with.

 

Surely there is a way for him to be successful that includes his family.

[annie24]

yikes. there are some troubles here. well, he isn't your husband, so that sounds like it is something you are not so ok with. second, he is a recovering alcoholic. I think it is great that he has quit smoking pot and is trying to get his life on track. I think it is great he is trying to get a job with responsibilities. And the hours aren't bad at all. 8 AM - 2 PM. That is only 6 hours! Did you mean to say the coffee shop/restaurant is open 8AM - 2 AM???

 

I think you should talk to him about having "family time" a few times a week. if he is the GM, he can make his own schedule, I presume, so he can come up with a schedule that allows him to get work done and spend time with his family.

 

It sounds also like he is a bit of a flirt. Does this bother you?

 

Are you two planning on getting married? What about couples' counseling?

[Jeffrey2095]

That's okay

 

Ya' know, there seems to be so much going on here that it is a little hard to keep track...

 

I notice that alot of the words you have written in your post have quotation marks, I would take most of them to mean "supposedly" or "in other words" etc...

 

So, to me it seems that you are suspisious of some of these things... well, it does sound a little spooky...

 

You know, he might really be busy with this job... maybe the girls waveing at him was just circumstance.

 

Personally... I would maybe try some, A little more direct discussion with him ie: Hey, is somethin' goin on?

 

Gosh, that's the best advice I can think of. Try to communicate a little deeper.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

 

Jeffrey

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

May be he need to learn some time management

 

link removed

[singingnotflying]

Sorry that paragraph was all muddled... I'll clear some things up.

 

First, the store hours are from 6 in the morning to 2 in the morning. That doesn't include opening & closing time for a manager, which take at least an hour apiece. So really, the job is about 20 hours a day, not including travel time. I asked him if he will really be there that much, and he said "Yes. At least for the first six months I plan to be."

 

Second, he is the last person who would cheat or even flirt. He was cheated on by a previous wife, & still stuck by her for another two years without looking at another woman. This is according to him, his parents, his brother, his friends, etc. He also is just a loyal & honest person, all-around. His mention of the teenage girls waving at him irritated me because of what he said next... about "I can have the world in my palm"...

 

...which leads me to the next thing I should have mentioned that will clear things up a bit. He is FROM this town since he was fourteen (he's now twenty-eight). I moved here just last year. I've tried to make friends in all sorts of ways, but it's just not working. And all my existing friends & family are states & states away... and are pretty busy themselves usually. And so yes... I'm insanely jealous of his ability to just go off & hang out with folks he knows & have things to do & be the man of the hour, etc. He's just ultra-personable, intelligent, good-looking... you name it.

 

As far as the babysitter goes, that's a great idea... but our son is only at the very beginning of a stage that babies/toddlers go through of separation anxiety. I left him with a trusted friend for only an hour recently, and he screamed his head off the whole time.

 

We are planning to get married. But I feel like I need to mentally & emotionally distance myself from him right now (hence the passive-aggressive response to all this) because it seems he's never going to be around. Why be attached to someone who's never there? It's like setting myself up for more sadness.

 

Anyway, thanks y'all. Keep the ideas coming!

[annie24]

well, I think you need to talk to him about the job/hours he would be working. spending 20 hours a day at work sounds excessive. he needs time to sleep and eat and spend time with his child. Talk to him about working out some kind of a compromise. After all, you don't want to be a single mother. I mean, talk to him in a way such that you are being supportive of him and his goals, but at the same time, make sure he knows how important it is that he be in his childs' and your life.

[singingnotflying]

Well, I just spoke to him briefly over the phone. He WANTS me to always be able to talk to him, but how can I when conversations go just like how it just did:

 

me: we need to talk about this.

 

him: what's wrong?

 

me: I support you & know why you want to do this, but you'll never be around; we'll never see you.

 

him: I have to do this. I have to. I'm doing this.

 

{mod edit}? I am willing to compromise, absolutely. However, I can't work with someone who is closed like that. We're going to talk more tonight, but if it goes like that (without regard for my concerns or feelings), then screw it!

[annie24]

me: I support you & know why you want to do this, but you'll never be around; we'll never see you.

 

how about saying something more positive? like you are really proud of him and proud that he is trying to better himself, get a positive job, and be a good provider for the family. but that you want to have "family time" scheduled, so that your child will know who he is, not just know him as a money machine.

[agent1607307371]

One of the best ways to change the way somebody communicates with you is to change the way you communicate with them. Your end of the conversation was quite negative and I would feel attacked if someone spoke to me like that so I can see why he shut it down.

 

Try to express your feelings without bringing his accomplishments and dreams down. Though it's painful to feel like you just sit inside all day while he is on the up and up, at some point I'm sure it will be the other way around. Try to see it as something good for you and your baby as well as him. (And I'm sure that he won't be doing 20hr days even if he does get the job. It's excessive and will exhaust him to the point where he wouldn't be physically able to manage it anyway.)

 

That said, if I moved to a town where my so was very popular and I had no one, I'd be down too. Is there any way you can get out and about and meeting people? Maybe baby/toddler groups where there will be other new mothers to talk to and get to know.

[singingnotflying]

Thanks again everyone for your suggestions. They are really great! I have talked to him some more, cleared some things up btwn us, & we have a better understanding. A psychologist would probably call his ideas/ideals a god-complex, but he's really just a(n alpha) human being trying to decipher & then do what his higher power calls him to, basically. I can't expect him to fill any sort of well in me. That is for me to do. It's tough to deal with jealousy... it's been such a strong habit for so long that I can't even see my own husband be successful, popular, wonderful without feeling that twinge. Anyway, thank you.