I think about her 24/7. Its driving me nuts.

[drum4god]

My girlfriend of a year broke up with me the day after Christmas. For the most part I have been NC. I see her in church every Sunday, and had small talk at a party a month ago. I am sure many have read my story, but for the most part she was hot and cold. She actually broke up with me 2 times before and came back both times. The first time was after 9 weeks of NC, and the other time it was the next day. She was hot and cold, and wasn't sure about her feelings. She would love me one day, and then she wouldn't. It was pure torture.

 

Anyway, she broke up with me Christmas. She told me she wanted in her head, and didn't feel it in her heart. She then said you are not the man for me. Its crushed me, but it wasn't unexpected. I took it like a man, and told her I had to respect her decision. I was O.K the first week, but then I saw her at a party and Its been hard ever since.

 

I was strong at the party, and ironically she was crying most of the night (according to the host). She was hurting bad, but it was probably more because she hurt me. But who knows.

 

So now its been 42 days since the break, and I can't get her out of my head. Its driving me nuts. I wake up, she is on my mind. I go to work, she is on my mind. I work out, she is on my mind. I watch TV, something will remind me of her. I play a gig with my band, I am thinking I wish she was here. I listen to music, I think of her. I go to church to get closer to God, and pray, she is there. She is like glue in my mind, its not good.

 

I look strong on the outside, and I can even encourge people on this board, but inside I'm really struggling.

 

I have been great with NC, and keeping myself busy, but its seems like subconsiously I doing things to make myself better for her. I don't want that. I go to the gym, and I am thinking my improved body with impress her.

 

I just signed up for Salsa lessons, and though I always wanted to learn, perhaps there is a part of me that wants to impress her (she is Spanish, and a great dancer).

 

I don't know, is this normal. It is kind of obsessive, and I want it to stop.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi D4G....Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

 

I think what you're going through is VERY VERY normal. The obsessive

thoughts will subside with time. I have been there PLENTY of times..believe me. You're not crazy......in fact I would wonder if you were HUMAN if you didn't go through this. The important thing is that you are not acting on your thoughts. You seem like a very very strong man...and that is VERY admirable.

The fact you have not broken down ONCE speaks volumes about how strong you really are. You seem to have a very solid grasp on things.....just hang in there...it WILL get easier!!! I promise.

[terk2021]

First off, do not beat yourself up. Everything you are experiencing is normal. In many ways, better. You have had the strength to maintain no contact. That is something that I wish I could have started last August as I watched my relationship crumble. I continued to chase, and she came back twice. It only wanted to make me chase harder.

 

It's great that you have a relationship with God. I will give you the short version of my story. We were set to be married, and had gone through a marriage prep class and attended church regularly. Before her, I cannot say I was a religious man, or even had a true relationship with God. After we fell apart, canceled our wedding, and I had her move out of the house I bought for us just 4 months before our wedding date, I was truly on my way to the bottom.

 

Nothing anyone could say or do made a difference in how I felt. There was, however, 1 person that really made sense. The minister that was going to marry us was the same one that taught our marriage prep class. He was very comforting to me. Unfortunately, he was so busy and I only got to see him once every few weeks. He said something over and over that has stuck with me, and has helped me hang on to that thread until it became stronger and stronger.

 

He said that God has a plan for us, and we need to live our lives, and not stop living. See, I fell apart, and lost touch with friends, family, my career, myself... The list goes on. I lost interest in so many things. It's been over 6 months now, and I still struggle, but I have to remember that God has a plan. Everything we go through is meant to happen for some reason. It's nice to know that there is someone up there looking out for us. We are tested many times in our life, and based upon your post above, it sounds like you have had much more strength than I did.

 

Believe in your faith, trust in God, and continue to live your life my friend. Someone more incredible will come along for you that God will want you to share your life with. As for me, I am finally starting to believe that, and I know I am finally starting to heal. It's still going to take some time, but it will happen.

 

I just went on an incredible vacation, and stumbled a few times when I heard "our" song that was the 1st to be played at the wedding. Sure, a few tears fell, but after the song ended, I know that a new song and someone more incredible will come along.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Dako]

It's normal at this point to be missing her. but in time you'll start seeing her in a different light. It doesn't help to see her at church, and that has to reopen the wound.

 

Right now it's a matter of endurance. There's nothing to do but wait it out until you heal more. I know it seems tiresome to feel locked in limbo, but that's just a temporary phase. You will someday be strong again.

 

Look for small mileposts in recovery. You probably already regained an appetite, groom yourself better and maybe bought some clothes or ventured out with friends. Keep an eye out for signs of progress, not reasons for despair. It does get easier.

[Night Pumpkin]

Salsa lessons probably won't impress her. Also, whatz she going to think if you say you want her back but she sees you dancing with other girls ??

 

WHy can't you just be friends with her ???? NC is dumb. Just make it right with her, be friends, and take it slowly from there.....

[mikeca]

some people take solice in the fact that god has a plan for us, you will be much stronger in your trials after this, you have a purpose in this life and this is a challenge, perhaps you two are meant to be later down the road, but you just have to go about your days and if it was meant to be you'll know it.

 

someone posted this before, it was very moving.

 

link removed

[drum4god]

some people take solice in the fact that god has a plan for us, you will be much stronger in your trials after this, you have a purpose in this life and this is a challenge, perhaps you two are meant to be later down the road, but you just have to go about your days and if it was meant to be you'll know it.

 

someone posted this before, it was very moving.

 

link removed

 

Thank you everyone. Especially Mike. You don't know how much that message helped me. Its amazing. I feel like it was a major breakthrough. Something else happened that was breakthrough. I went to my hang with my friend who is also the lead singer of our band. He showed me some pictures or a gig we did in Oct. There were a couple of pictures of my ex and I, and I was blown away on how bad she looked. Now, I understand we all don't always look great in pictures, but for some reasons this pictures showed alot of her physical flaws. Even my friend told me, man you can do so much better.

 

I don't consider myself so shallow, where I just look at someone's looks. I loved her for who she was, but I have to admit. When I fell in love with her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman alive, and she isn't. The picture didn't take away all the pain, but at least it took her off this pedestal I put her on, and that is what I needed.

 

I then come home and listen to that incredible message, and I feel like I have made more progress today, then I did the last 41 days. I am amazed. God is good.

 

Man, people (even non-Christians) would benefit from that message. It was incredible.

 

Thanks again everyone. I love you guys.

[p_fred]

I think we all have felt your pain... I'm at the point where I sometimes still think of mine but now it doesn't hurt so much. I'd recommend hanging out with some female friends or co-workers (preferably ones that don't know her or your haven't told them about her) I found that helped me a lot... just talking with different women might help to reset your thinking.

[Dako]

That's a good point. It can help to be around women just to reassure yourself that they're still cool. It takes the focus off the ex as being representative of women in general.

[drum4god]

This is uneral. I very felt I turned the corner the past 3 days. I mean I felt great. I pretty much let go, and though I was thinking about her, it was less and less.

 

Today I saw her in church from afar. I was pretty strong, but I saw a real, real good looking man sitting in her row. I know, what is the big deal. He wasn't sitting next to her, but all of a sudden all these thoughts of her being with him come in to my mind. Please tell me I'm crazy. I mean to be jealous just because someone good looking is sitting in her row, means I need help. No? It didn't help he looked Spanish, and my ex is Spanish.

 

Its amazing. This little thing is making me crazy, and I thought I was turning the corner. Its probably selfish, but I hope I don't see her with another man yet. I don't know if I can handle it.

[numbhead]

you cant handle it,,,, i cant handle it... the thought rips me insides out,,, it is normal.... when you have been with someone you subconsciously own them... you still feel attached to her as i do with my ex....im not sure how we are going to get these feelings to go away but i feel better knowing that im not the only person whos feeling like this...

 

its a kick in the balls.. your imagination takes over.... this wk is going to be a sh*t, i dont know what my ex is upto or who shes with etc... this is gd and bad at the same time..... at least that guy wasnt sat right nxt to her then you would feel sh*t!

 

take it day by day,, it got too much for me today so i decided to get rid of her stuff and photoes out of my phone! i feel relieved somehow..im sure it will wear off lol

 

you can do better than her,, i bet she wasnt all that perfect so stop thinking she is! ive got the same problem!

[drum4god]

Thanks mate. I am sorry you are going through it also.

 

I have a bad case of oneitis. Its when you believe that your girlfriend, or your ex, is the most desireable, attractive woman on the planet, and that every man wants her. Its crazy. I thought I made some progress last week. My friend had an old picture of us, and she didn't look good at all. It was what I needed. It helped me take her off the pedestal.

 

However, when I saw her today she looked great, and this man was a real good looking guy. Believe me I don't look at men, but he was dressed nice, tall, and very good looking. There is no doubt my ex is going to notice him. If I did, she will. I just hope he doesn't notice her.

 

Man, breakups blow. Don't they. You not only lose a women you love, you have to deal with rejection, dealing with all the questions on why, and your ego takes a major beating.

[numbhead]

ye ive got some right shocking photoes of my ex,,, i like to look at them... but then i realise she is actually really attractive,,, doesnt help when my friends remined me about how gd looking she is... "batting above your average" is the term we use where i live!

 

i have an inverted ego,,, trying to pop it bk out as we spk!

 

not only do u lose a woman but your best ever friend at the same time..and on top of losing 2 pple, you have to deal with all the ifs, buts, hows and whys

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you guys are focusing a lot on looks of your exes, which could be part of the problem... you were looking for someone to fill a particular role/image in your head, and when the real girl (all of her, personality, attitudes, etc.) didn't fit well with you, when you break up, you go back to idealizing the looks of the girl and forgetting that you really date the whole package, and sometimes the whole package just doesn't work out...

 

jealousy is a primitive emotion too, but you have to realize there are a million guys out there, good looking for otherwise, and if she wants to choose one, and someone other than you, she will do it... the fact that you are focusing on his looks and her looks makes me think you need to do some work there, i.e., focus on why you are putting such a priority there, rather than finding a girl that really is someone you are totally compatible with, and not just focusing on surface traits...

 

can you change the time of church you go to (i.e., go to a different service than the one she normally attends)? most churches have more than one service a week, and going to a different one where you don't see her and dredge up your feelings again might be helpful for you...

[numbhead]

ye i think the reason im talkin about looks is because thats all i really have of her to remined me of.... sounds stupid i know but after 2 1/2 months im beginning to forget her personality.. and the photographs are all i have,,, which i wont be lookin at again any time soon!!

 

thats what makes it harder because she is a great girl,,,, but chose to throw me away, thats the ego knocking problem here!

[icarus27]

drum4god,

 

A female friend said this to me after my break-up.

 

When your stomach gets in a knot wondering how intolerable it feels that she should notice another eligible guy, consider that on her side, she is probably having a similar emotion. Even when it was the girl doing the dumping, she may find it intolerable that you will, sure enough, begin to notice eligible young women around you. Does that mean you'll put your life on hold? No way!

 

Just a woman's eye view that I thought I'd pass on.

 

Best of luck my friend. I was very pleased to hear about you seeking some comfort in God. I'm not a Christian myself, but glad if someone finds solace in his faith.

[christy1002]

I think you are doing great with being honest with yourself as to how you feel! That will certainly help with your healing.

This post and replies give alot of insight to what I have been battling. I left my husband in September and the only thing that bothered me was that I thought he was good looking. His looks were not getting it (a whole other story). But, this post is a great! Looks shouldn't be the most important thing, they fade in time too, but if looks are important there are millions more out there just as good looking, if not better. The other day, my friend was looking at a picture she came accross here of him and said, "EWWWW, what did you see in him?!" For some strange reason that felt good.

[drum4god]

Thanks everyone,

 

I guess the fact she made such a big deal over my looks (my butt, my facial expression, the way I dress, and she even bought me teeth whitener). I never had to worry about my looks. They were never an issue for me. Outside of little jokes, I have never had a woman comment on my looks negatively. In fact it was mostly positive

 

The thing that gets to me, is she is not a SuperModel. I have been with girls who were hotter, but It didn't matter. I loved her.

 

She had many flaws. She didn't have a great body, she didn't have a great nose, or great breath, but I didn't even focus on that. I mean you do that stuff in high school. You know the old saying - You beautiful because I love you, not I love you because you are beautiful.

 

I am not a shallow person, but in a strange way, I found myself becoming more shallow around her.

 

I attached a picture of us.

 

 

 

I don't know judge for yourself. Is she a SuperModel

[hockeyboy]

looks are not the most important thing (i should listen to myself more)

 

but...nope

[ironpumper]

Well, she is very attractive! Superrmodel? I don't know, certainly MODEL material. Hey, at least you got to be with a real BABE! You found her, you can find another one, maybe even prettier!

My 'ex' is the single most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. BUT she's not a very nice person. She's very cold and conceited and self-centered too, but still, every time I see her I fall in love again..AAAAAAARGH

[annie24]

I think she's cute, but she's not the next Gisele or Heidi Klum. You are a good looking guy, so don't let her get you down. hang in there. now is a good time to listen to positive stories. I know many people who had horrible breakups, only to meet the true love of their life right around the corner. so, hold onto that. she just wasn't the right one for you, but the right woman is out there. keep healing, it's going to hurt for a while, it's just the way it is, but you'll come out of it alright. You're a good man, you will find a good woman.