Is My Wife Cheating (Blind or Parinoid)

[reddrummer]

Hi everyone, Please bare with me because I do not want to leave any details out.

 

I have been married to my wife for 3 years. When she met me I was trying to get clean from a long time drug addiction. The first 1 1/2 years I lied and hid my addiction, and she would always catch me. After time in rehab and a halfway house, we moved back in together. She had all my passwords, and was constantly snooping because she wanted to make sure I was staying clean. I did not mind be cause she needed to regain trust.

After a year of being sober, she still was snooping and calling every number on the phone bill that she did not recognize (including college professors). One night when she was out of town, I called a lot of hooker numbers because I wanted to see if she was still checking me out or if she was trusting me and respecting my privacy like she said. Stupid I know. After that she still does not trust me that much, and is now convinced that I have cheated on her. I never have cheated on her, and never would. But I do not blame he for thinking that. Drug addiction and severe depression made me distance myself from my wife, and have her question my fidelity.

 

That's My Background, Here Is The Story

 

 

My wife has always had guy friends, and I have always been comfortable with it. She loves sports, and I don't. She started going to Cubs games with this guy we know and I encouraged her to do so. He is married, and they would go with other people, but also go by themselves. Here are the situations that have taken place that make me think she has or is cheating. Even if it has not been physical, like she says.

 

1. Swimming with him in the lake, she only has done that with me.

2. He calling her and asking if she knew I was hanging out with another girl (mutual friend of ours, and she knew)

3. Wife getting in fight with neighbor one night, when I came home at 6am after work, neighbor apologized to me and asked me to say sorry to my friend. The guy in question.

4. Wife calls all numbers on my phone, and accuses me of cheating with a class member that I had to do group work with. I in turn thought if you check my records I am going to check yours. Turns out she was talking to this guy 2-3 times a day between 5-20 minutes per call. When asked she said he likes to talk, and he calls her.

5. We separate; I call the guy, and ask him not to call anymore.

6. A month passes and my wife and I begin talking, I told her I was jealous and wanted her to focus on us and not talk to him for a while. She agreed. Things between us were getting better but tables were tuned, I became the one checking the phone bill. A month later I checked again and found her suddenly talking to the guys cousin more often, and the guy still had the nerve to call from his phone every once in a while. Though she never called his number, just his cousins. I confronted her again and said I am not stupid. I said if we want things to work, she needs to stop all contact with him and his surroundings. She denied talking to the guy, and said nothing has or would ever happen, but I knew deep down inside something was not right.

7. One night I was sick and she decided to go out with here friends. I called several times and left a messages. I had her password to her voice mail, and called it to delete my message and leave a new one. The first message came up, and guess who it was? The guy said hi its me cal me on ****’s phone (his cousin). I was pissed. I called again and she answered. I said I heard the message **** left. My wife asks, are you following me, then she gets mad. A few days later I am ready to talk to he, and she apologizes for lying to me. I said, if I ever find out you have talked or hung out with this guy it is all over. She said ok, and after a 2 months she has not, to my knowledge.

 

 

What should I do, what should I think. My friends and family say most likely she is cheating, and I agree. If not physically cheating, mentally cheating by relying on another man to make her feel better about her self. I can forgive. But the worst thing is that she has never said sorry for hurting my feelings. And perhaps she really thinks she has done nothing wrong. I know I have not been the best husband, the husband she deserves, and the husband I want to be. But what’s up?

 

Please Help. Is she cheating, am I blind, or am I just paranoid.

[Northalius]

I'd say, with all that involved, you're not paranoid. Paranoia is irrational mistrust of someone; say, like, if you've never caught your wife talking on the phone with another man, and she has always been honest with you, yet you still have this feeling she's cheating, without reason backing that feeling? That would be paranoia. But, what has happened, again, gives you good reason to believe she has.

 

All this, on top of you saying you called those hooker numbers (?) to test her? Yeah, you're right, that wasn't smart! But it doesn't give her the right to cheat. It gives her the right to confront you about it, and if anything, break it off all together. Big difference.

 

Well, it's up to you: stick it out and get counseling? Learn to trust each other somehow? Or just divorce. Because this whole post gave me a bad feeling in my stomach: so much mistrust! My goodness. I'd go insane if I couldn't trust my partner that much.

 

I know it's possible for opposite genders to be just friends, but more times than not to my knowledge, they'll turn into romantic relationships, especially if one's relationship with their partner is 'going south'.

[Ash]

You haven't commented on yoru relationship with your wife, but it sounds like it's a bit rocky at best. You may want to consider the bigger picture here as well, is there a decent relationship between you and her? If there isn't, then I'd have to think there's a pretty reasonable chance that some sort of cheating is occurring and from the sounds of things might have been for a while.

 

In this case the matter of her cheating or not is only part of the answer. If she is, you both need to address why it's happening and whether anything can be done to save the marriage. You both have to want to fix the problems.