Boyfriend Sex Issues

[Berrygood]

Hello everyone, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and we first started off having sex frequently with no problems. I guess as time passed he got accustomed to having sex every other day or more than 4 times a week. We now see each other 4 times a week, and everytime I see him he expects me to be in the mood, and to have sex even though at times I'm not in the mood. When I tell him I'm not in the mood, he shuts off, and gets angry. He says he feels unwanted, but i do want him, I'm just not horny expecially when I feel like I can't say no to him without an argument. I told him to let me say no when I need to say no once a month, and even then he's upset, I feel like my right to say yes or no is being taken away from me, he says that I have 3 days in which I don't see him, and I get my sex break then. Am I wrong? what is going on? I'm so upset and frustrated I feel like the next step is saying goodbye even though I love almost everything else about him, he's my best friend, but I can't even talk to him about this issue which pretty much is the most important in our relationship. This has been an ongoing problem in our relationship. I need some type if guidance.

[Day_Walker]

Well you need to effectively communicate this issue to him. If you have set the standard that you have sex 4 times a week then when you take that away he is going to be upset. You ALWAYS have the option to say no but he does not have to be happy about it. You both have valid points and you two need to work out some compromise on this issue or it is going to eat away at your relationship.

[Berrygood]

Thank you for responding, I have said no in the past, and almost all of those times he has broken up with me, saying that I have no sex drive. If he would leave me alone and not insist I would feel alot better about having sex with him. We have had long talks about this, but it seems that he needs sex to feel wanted or happy with me. I don't understand. Should I leave for good?

[Day_Walker]

Since this seems to be a consistant feature of your relationship then you have to ask yourself do you want to put up with this kind of behavior where you have to be on edge about having sex whenever he wants it. I dont believe that he should have the expectation that you should have sex with him whenever he wants. If I was deciding what to do in this situation then I would get out of the relationship because he has unrealistic expectations and it is only going to get worse or magnify in other areas of the relationship in the future.

[doyathink]

If he broke up with you because you didn't want sex then there are some real issues going on here. Is he dating you for you? or for sex?!

[heloladies21]

The fact that your desire has decreased in him to this point is only a symptom, not the problem. You've lost interest in him to some extent and you will eventually dump him if he doesn't get to it first.

[Berrygood]

We've known each other since we've been in 6th grade. I am now 22, and I strongly believe that he's with me because he loves me not just because of the sex, these are all questions I've asked him. Sex is his way of feeling loved and wanted, and attractive. I am his only sexual partner, while I have been with two other people. I feel like his expectations are unrealistic at times because he's only been with me. Sometimes I think he needs to go experience other girls, but I can't bare to see that or be his friend. He lives a block away from me, so even when we break up, I see him driving away, or we see each other in our cars while we drive down the street. I've asked him if the reason he feels like he needs to have sex with me is because he sort of wants to claim his turf or something since my past experience with other guys still bothers him. He says no, and that he just enjoys feeling good. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this situation, and trying to get some feedback on what steps I should take. The problem is that I feel like I have no choice, and If I leave I feel like I failed in trying to compromise and make him happy.

[Berrygood]

I am in love with him even though we've had our share of ups and downs, I havent lost interest in him at all, in any other aspect. I just don't have the sex drive he does, he can have it two to three times a day if he could, and I am not up to the level, I will never be. I could have sex three times a week n I'll be good. We have resolved alot of our problems, and I see myself being with him forever if this can finally get resolved. I just don't know how to get through to him that I have a choice, and just because I say no doesn't mean I dont like him or think he's not attractive, it just means I'm not horny.

[candy604]

perhaps he should understand that sex isn't everything in the relationship. I guess the object is sex. If no sex = not wanted. He has to change his reasoning. If he's breaking up over b/c of sex, that's just silly. I don't know but seems like he has a different view than you.

 

Find some articles on that subject and show him.

[doyathink]

No your not alone ...I've been through it as well. The thing is...you both have different levels of libido/sex drives. The problem is...if one of you can't seem to change this...it may ruin the relationship...

[EvaGina]

Thank you for responding, I have said no in the past, and almost all of those times he has broken up with me, saying that I have no sex drive. If he would leave me alone and not insist I would feel alot better about having sex with him. We have had long talks about this, but it seems that he needs sex to feel wanted or happy with me. I don't understand. Should I leave for good?

 

 

feeling forced into sex is the best way to make you lose your sex drive

My ex did this to me, he was more passive aggressive about it tho.

 

I wish I knew what to do, but no matter how much I explained the situation... it didnt work. they cant just act like they dont care, because it still comes accross... if you go for a hug they will hold on a wee bit too tight.... they have to NOT care.. and if his ego is that much in his pants, what can you do?

[Berrygood]

I've tried various times to change my mood about the whole situation. I've tried to be more in the mood, wear certain things so that I can feel sexy, but it only goes so far. It's almost like I'v esigned a contract that says 4 times a week, and any less will result in problems. He can chose not to have sex everytime, but the minute I dont want to that's when the problems start. He's like a light switch, I say no, and he shuts off for the rest of the day. I don't want to lose him because of this. I've read self help articles online, and some say that the best way to change a mood is to look at the situation at hand in a less negative light, try to step out of the situation and look for positive reasons. Now the problem is what reasons in this could be positive? If this doesn't work, I think I'm going to have to say bye, I just don't like to fail in anything especially him.

[Iceman26]

To be honest, I have been in his shoes before and let me tell you at least what I felt when I was shut down.

 

In the beginning of a younger Iceman26's relationships the sex was non stop, but the girl's desire would slow down as time went by, as mine increased because as I go to know the girl better, I felt more comfortable and desired her more.

 

That was hard on me when I was younger, as I often cheated on girlfriends that turned me down because I felt they weren't attracted to me anymore and that they were now in charge of when we would and when we would not have sex. Unlike your boyfriend I was never demanding about sex (I wouldn't want to have to ask for it) but it hurt because I felt unattractive. Sex was a form of self validation for me.

 

Of course I should have ended those relationships before I cheated, but whats done is done. My point is you really need to communicate with him about this or the relationship won't last long.

[Lboogie23]

When i first started having sex, i went to my mother to tell her and ask her advice, if she had any. (we always had an open relationship) she said some things and then she told me to beware, that sex is the most important thing in a relationship to men. While even now, i think that was a little harsh, on some level i don't think my mother was that far off.

It is really important to men. Most of the time i could take it or leave it, even though i am totally attracted to my fiance like i;m sure your attracted to your bf.

For men its more like a need, and its not fair for them to place those expectatons on us to always be there to fufill that need. We are people too!!!!!! and pleasing your boyfriend is not your full time job.

I say try again to communicate your feelings to him, and if he continues to reject you for something so trivial, then yes, maybe you should rethink your relationship with this guy.

 

Your partner should always respect your desicion to chose.

[doyathink]

I know how you feel and it's very frustrating. What I did is ...when he wanted it I just gave it to him. This built so much resentment because I felt like I had no control over my own body.....that I was nothing more then his hooker. I started to hate sex altogether. Eventually this, among other problems, led to our breakup.

 

He even demanded it one time right after I just had surgery two days before...he got up and hit the wall when I told him I really wasn't in the mood..

[TiredMan]

Has he ever not been in the mood and turned you down? Have you ever initiated?

 

After 6 years, how would you feel if rarely ever tried to have sex?

[Berrygood]

Thank you Iceman, I totally see where you're coming from, I feel that sex is a validation for him, and he has told me that he feels attractive when I have sex with him. Except he doesn't cheat on me, so he looks to me for all of this sexually fulfillment, and at times I can't please him.

 

Lboogie, I honestly think it's stupid that sex is soo important, I know it's a big part of the relationship, but to me it almost feels like its that only important thing in the relationship, we've talked in depth about this, but I never understand.

 

Doyathink, What you felt is what I feel at times too, I feel like I have no control over my body anymore, sometimes I look back and regret having sex with him so frequently in the past. I have been giving him alot of attitude, and I told him it's because I'm angry about not being able to chose what I want to do. He says he'll try and be more understanding, but it fails after just one try, all the time.

 

Tiredman, Initiation is a huge problem for me. If I'm not in the mood how can I initiate. I have tried in the past, but he says its not enough, but when I do pull through at times he gets very happy, and everything goes good up until the day I don't want to have sex. I guess I feel bad initiating because in alot of way's I'm shy, I dont feel like myself when I initiate. Do you have any suggestions? And no he never rejects me, hes always in the mood.

[TiredMan]

If you brought yourself to initiate and he rejected you, I would assume you would get hurt correct? You have to see his reaction similarly. I know there is this preconceived notion that men should initiate and be ready on command but that is just sillyness.

 

I'm glad heis at least telling you it bothers him. I mean honestly, if he is in the mood and you are not, perhaps you are not compatible. For me, a relationship is so much more than sex but if it's causing THIS much problem, then it's a huge issue I feel. So there has to be compromise.

 

I think you need to initiate more. And he needs to tone down the breaking up stuff unless he really is gonna do it.

[Berrygood]

You're right, I do need to initiate more, and you know what maybe if I do then he can calm down since he uses sex as a form of validation. Maybe he'll feel like I want him, and yes, if he rejected me as much as I reject him, I know I would feel bad about it, and I probably would feel self-conscious. I'm going to try this and see how it works out, if it doesn't then I guess we aren't compatible in this area, and since it's sucha big deal then I should end it. I appreciate everyones help, I feel alot better just venting my problems to someone, friends are great, but I know if I told him them whats going on they would take my side, and that is only helpful sometimes.

[TiredMan]

Well one thing about me (I'm sure plenty of people will validate this lol) is that I am pretty straight with what I say. I don't just side with the person. I just speak from what I feel.

 

You do need to initiate more. You also have to understand why he gets hurt when you reject him. His anger is just a manifestation of his hurt, which you would feel as well.

 

At the same time, he really needs to stop breaking up with you and then getting back. That will cause some severe hurt on your end.

[doyathink]

Tiredman, if she isn't in the mood...should she just go ahead and do it anyway?

What would you suggest she do?

[Siriana]

Well you can't be always in the mood.

And I see no point in him giving you silent treatmant.

I advise finding new bf - this one has some growing up to do.

 

Oh and one more thing - guys say they are feeling rejected when they try to start something and you say no - well I don't wait him to start something to say no - you say immediately, hey, I am not into sex tonight, could we do something else? We can do it on the weekend (or some other day, this is example) - it will be great, we'll have enough time to relax and I will be in the mood.

[TiredMan]

But she also admits that when she does try, he never says no and if he had she would be incredibly hurt. Why shouldn't he as well when she turns him down?

 

And if someone is never really in the mood, they shouldn't be in a relationship and/or be surprised the other person gets hurt by it.

[Berrygood]

Well you can't be always in the mood.

And I see no point in him giving you silent treatmant.

I advise finding new bf - this one has some growing up to do.

 

Oh and one more thing - guys say they are feeling rejected when they try to start something and you say no - well I don't wait him to start something to say no - you say immediately, hey, I am not into sex tonight, could we do something else? We can do it on the weekend (or some other day, this is example) - it will be great, we'll have enough time to relax and I will be in the mood.

 

He doesn't give me the silent treatment, he just gets upset, sometimes he walks away, or sometimes we just lay down and watch tv, but it's not the same as it would be if we had sex, his energy is different after I reject him. It's not as easy finding a new bf, sex is important to him and it is to me, I just don't need it as much as he does, and I feel its selfish of me to downplay his wants. Even though it's selfish of him to want sex all the time if I'm in the mood or not. The problem with telling him I'll make it better another day is that I've tried that before, and I guess it's my fault because I didn't make it WONDERFUL.

 

I have spoken to him today about this, I told him I will be willing to initiate more often, because at this point I hardly do it. He said he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, and he also told me he will be understanding when I dont want to have sex, he said before there was never a compromise, he felt like I said no I dont want to have sex, but I never made an effort to do things he liked me to do later. We'll see if this works, he says he'll be more understanding, and happier, but I dont know. To be honest the more understanding and calm he is the more I want to have sex with him, I want him more when he's not down my throat about it. He's a great guy, I guess he feels rejected by me too often.

[Iceman26]

And if someone is never really in the mood, they shouldn't be in a relationship and/or be surprised the other person gets hurt by it.

 

That, or find someone with a lower sex drive.