Is this shallowness or a legitimate want?

[Celadon]

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I'm still single is because I want a guy who WOWS me. I'm starting to wonder -- to be perfectly honest about this -- if that's a shallow attitude...

 

On the one hand, I'm looking for love, which is made up of loyalty, commitment, devotion, caring, etc. Those qualities in and of themselves aren't necessarily "sexy" traits. But they're key to a successful relationship.

 

OTOH, I'm drawn to guys who are brilliant, or exceptionally witty, or good looking, or talented. (The more wow factors, the better. )

 

Recently a friend tried to date me, but although I have a fun time joking around with him, he doesn't wow me intellectually or in other ways. Am I being shallow? Am I missing out on true love? Or am I legitimately holding out for the best person for me?

 

Does anyone ever wonder about this for themselves, or their friends?

[MrSparky]

K8tie,

 

I think there's a balance - you have to find someone who you're both physically attracted to and someone who 'wows!' you mentally, otherwise the relationship will be drained far too quickly. Someone on the same level as you.

 

As for looking for someone who 'wows' the outside world (so to speak) - for instance, and this is just an example, a lawyer who also is a part-time model and is nicely rich, or even just your terms of 'wow' may be unattainable. You enjoyed time with your friend - but there clearly wasn't a path of being on each others level, and that's more important than all the other possible wows put together.

 

I don't think it's wrong to hold out for the best - but make sure your standards are attainable, and also make sure your standards aren't intentionally unattainable to keep you safe from finding the perfect someone

[shy2cool]

You can't change what you want! You've set your standards high, so do not settle for second best! There really isn't anything wrong with that.

[johnagent1911]

I given girls chances even though they weren't perfectly what I wanted but they turned out to be a great person and I learned alot from them about me. I felt stupid over looking those people.

[Altruist]

How old are you K8tie Kool?

[karvala]

I must admit, I get a bit confused by these sort of threads. If I sit down and think about all the things I believe I would need in a gf to be interested and make things work, I could produce a long list that would look pretty exclusive (and fairly depressing in terms of likelihood of finding someone). However, when I think about some of the people I've been with they've been missing quite a few of those things, but it didn't stop me loving them.

 

I guess my point is that, speaking for myself, I try to have a relationship with someone that I've gotten to know and have developed feelings for, and who has developed feelings for me. There's nowhere in that process for comparison with a list of ideals. It all sounds very conscious and calculated to me.

[Day_Walker]

Of course you are being shallow, if you are only looking at the "wow" factors then you are potentially missing out on other things. This is your choice and you can be shallow if you choose to be.

[Aurian]

I think we all have a few "must haves" and a few things that we would like to have but if the other person doesn't have them, its not a deal-breaker. Maybe just look at what you "must have" and consider if this or that is really a deal-breaker for you?

 

Yes, attraction both physical, mental and emotional are needed for a good relationship, but does he have to fit every wish to a T?

[Celadon]

I don't think it's wrong to hold out for the best - but make sure your standards are attainable, and also make sure your standards aren't intentionally unattainable to keep you safe from finding the perfect someone

That's a good point, MrSparky. I don't want to be one of those people who keeps looking for Mr. Perfect when I'm not Ms. Perfect by any means. I knew a guy once who turned down a great woman because he thought she didn't look enough like a model. Now, everyone has a right to choose (as Day Walker said), but since this guy was nowhere near gorgeous himself and is still single, maybe his standards are too high. I've gotta think about that for myself too. ...

 

I guess my point is that, speaking for myself, I try to have a relationship with someone that I've gotten to know and have developed feelings for, and who has developed feelings for me. There's nowhere in that process for comparison with a list of ideals. It all sounds very conscious and calculated to me.

Thanks, karvala. I didn't mean to be calculating, more like analytical. I'm a thinker, so I was trying to figure out if there was something wrong with my dating "impulses." Perhaps I don't trust my feelings enough; I'm scared my feelings will lead me (as they have in the past) to date a guy who I am infatuated with. Now *that* didn't turn out too well!

 

Yes, attraction both physical, mental and emotional are needed for a good relationship, but does he have to fit every wish to a T?

I read a book that suggested people have a list of 10 qualities that are must-haves. They said any fewer than 10 would leave you not quite satisfied and more than 10 would be too picky. Do you guys think that's a good guideline?

 

After reading everyone's replies, I'm realizing the underlying theme for me is respect. Do I respect this guy, in the sense of admiring him? I mean, I think you should show respect to everyone. It's more like, does he leave me thinking, "Hm, that's a really good way of looking at it." Or "Wow, that was really kind of him."

[Ammy]

Hey there,

 

I'm the same.. I have high high standards.. But I think we're worth it - we deserve guys like that. I am sure that you value things in other people that you yourself possess.. If you are intelligent, witty etc or other similarly good qualities, then yes you want a good catch who also has similar or complimentary good qualities! It's not shallow at all!

 

I don't know though.. I'm probably not the best person to give advice.. I've been single all my life.. lol

 

I think we do have to I guess let some of the criteria go though in some cases.. Go with your gut, if someone falls short of the criteria but makes you happy then go for it.. You don't have to settle, but if you find someone "almost" right, and you're happy and content enough then I say stick with that!

 

 

Not sure whether that made any sense!

Ammy

[ProtestTheHero]

Girls just need to expect to be held to the same ridiculously high standards that they apply to men.

 

For example, if you're a "2", don't expect a "10." If you don't "wow" anyone intellectually, why require it out of others.

 

I'm sure you're a good person, it's just better to be realistic.

 

Plus, I don't know you...everything above was hypothetical.