How to be more sexually adventurous

[chickidee23]

Here's the problem-

 

My fiance is always wanting to try new positions and occasionally I am game. However, I am a fairly reserved person when it comes to sex and I have also found that these new positions mean I won't be experiencing orgasm (and my fiance ALWAYS expects an orgasm... if I don't have one, he thinks he did something wrong) and I hate faking it. I want to be more sexually adventurous for him but it's hard for me to open up like that. I was molested as a child by a family member and I think it still has an affect on me. My fiance is aware of this but he doesn't quite understand what it did to me... What are some good positions that also cater to female pleasure but are also amazing for a guy? I want to be more adventurous, I need suggestions please!!!!!

[EvaGina]

Well, it doesnt sound like you are particularily comfortable with him or that he is understanding!!!

 

He always expects an orgasm?!!?!!!

He should be gently helping you explore these kinds of things, not making you feel rushed and insecure with expectations like that!!!

[lunatic]

I have a suggestion for ya. Why dont you take care of your orgasm by him performing oral or making love in a position that you usually are able to get off. Then try out different more adventurious positions.

 

If he "expects" to have an orgasm everytime then so should you!

[agent1607307371]

I think she means that he always expects her to have one.

 

 

First off, have you received any councelling for the abuse? Orgasms and having a great time sexually, I've always found, to be directly proportional to how relaxed I am in the situation, and if you can't relax you're not going to be having as much fun as you should.

 

Sit your bf down and tell him how you feel. If you don't feel you can, write him a letter.

 

Also, don't fake it. Make him do the work. If a position isn't doing it for you, don't let him keep on past your comfort point. Try a position that is better for you, or go to the ol' oral standby. Penetration sometimes just doesn't cut it no matter the position.

[chickidee23]

Well, it doesnt sound like you are particularily comfortable with him or that he is understanding!!!

 

He always expects an orgasm?!!?!!!

He should be gently helping you explore these kinds of things, not making you feel rushed and insecure with expectations like that!!!

 

 

He always expects an orgasm from me. And I am very comfortable with him- I am not completely comfortable with myself. He doesn't know how to be understanding for me.. He's led a very traumatic-free life. His family is as close to perfect as anyone could get. The worst thing he's experienced is Grandparents passing away of natural causes. And he doesn't make me feel rushed, I am wanting to be this for him. If I don't want to try something new, he doesn't have a problem. He does the best he can.

[EvaGina]

Why on earth should be be expecting an orgasm from you?

It makes no sense

How unset would he be if he realised you had been faking? Its amazingly unfair.

 

I say its best to be honest, tell him what you told us if he is that understanding it wont be a huge issue

[Boughs]

I expect to get every partner of mine off at some point, so I understand his point of view.

 

To be more adventurous takes some interest. You need to see why they are beneficial to achieving orgasm. If you try a position, tell your fiance to hold on a second. Move your hips around and find where it hits you nicely. If its not hitting nicely, change positions.

 

In my opinion, the best sex I've had, is when a woman was telling me, "hold on, let me feel it." she moved and said "alright go". Thats hot to me. It is also more beneficial to you.

 

Make sure that you say "don't get mad if I don't orgasm, because this is experimenting. I'm tryin to get comfortable myself"

 

Not much else you can do. He needs to keep an open mind, and realize that change is hard at first, but can eventually turn into something great.

[EvaGina]

I understand if your partner NEVER orgams, but "expecting" one every time? It just puts undue pressure on her, which in turn would make it harder to come anyway!

[Locke2121]

I can't imagine what impact being molested had on you, but its obviously still got you in its grips. Have you confronted your abuser? Many people report a feeling of freedom and invigiration by confronting their abuser and letting fly with both barrels.....in a verbal way of course! By facing this person down and telling them just what kind of lowlife they are, and the damage they've done to you, it could very well be that you will find your inhibitions lessening.

 

After that, I suggest a large bottle of chocoate syrup, the jumbo bag of M&M's and a jar of maraschino cherries. How you use them is up to you.

[TiredMan]

I understand if your partner NEVER orgams, but "expecting" one every time? It just puts undue pressure on her, which in turn would make it harder to come anyway!

 

Are you saying that you (or other women) don't expect the guy to cum when you have sex or do oral on him?

[EvaGina]

Are you saying that you (or other women) don't expect the guy to cum when you have sex or do oral on him?

 

(despite it being a lot easier for my bf to cum than it is for me) no...

We have had sex where he has just said "Im too tired" halfway through, and its fine.

[TiredMan]

(despite it being a lot easier for my bf to cum than it is for me) no...

We have had sex where he has just said "Im too tired" halfway through, and its fine.

 

Other than exceptions of course. I would also say if in the middle, I injured myself, I'm not worried about finishing lol.

 

But I would say as a whole, women expect the guy to finish every single time. I don't know about easier always being the case. For some, yes but not all.

[chickidee23]

I can't imagine what impact being molested had on you, but its obviously still got you in its grips. Have you confronted your abuser? .

 

That is not possible, unfortunately, as the accused has since passed away. I haven't really talked to anyone about it... I tried to talk to a counselor once but she specialized in child psychology. I have figured out how that experience affects me psychologically, I just don't know how to overcome it. I have trouble talking to people in general (I find people can be somewhat judgemental) so talking about something like this makes it twice as hard. My fiance wants me to tell our pastor (the one who is marrying us) about it but I really don't feel comfortable. I haven't known him for very long and just because he is a pastor doesn't mean he can't judge. I have to see the guy every Sunday AND look at him while he marries me... I don't think I can handle that.

[EvaGina]

That is not possible, unfortunately, as the accused has since passed away. I haven't really talked to anyone about it... I tried to talk to a counselor once but she specialized in child psychology. I have figured out how that experience affects me psychologically, I just don't know how to overcome it. I have trouble talking to people in general (I find people can be somewhat judgemental) so talking about something like this makes it twice as hard. My fiance wants me to tell our pastor (the one who is marrying us) about it but I really don't feel comfortable. I haven't known him for very long and just because he is a pastor doesn't mean he can't judge. I have to see the guy every Sunday AND look at him while he marries me... I don't think I can handle that.

 

 

sweetheart... how is he going to judge you? You did nothing wrong!!!

Perhaps try another councellor or shrink?

 

And Tiredman... we "expect" it becuase its very rare that it doesnt happen. I dont think any woman worth her salt would get upset, a bit confused maybe...

[Locke2121]

Try your pastor. They deal with stuff like this on a regular basis. Don't be ashamed, it wasn't your fault! Does the rest of your family know? They might be able to give you the support you need.

 

 

As for the abuser being dead, it doesn't change a thing. Go to the grave, lay it all out, scream your head off. Don't worry about making a scene in public. One way or another, you need to confront your abuser. Take all that crap that has built up in your system, dump in on the grave and get on with your life.

 

Love and blessing hun.

[zerohalo]

No one, and I mean no one is going to judge you because some bastard molested you. You have nothing to feel responsible for, no matter what the situation was. If someone took advantage of you, used you, then you need to get angry and stop feeling like somehow any of it is your fault.

 

Please see a professional therapist or psychologist. A pastor isn't a bad place to start, but in the end you'll be more comfortable paying someone to listen to you. You're buying their time for them to listen to you and to help you, and when you're better you can move on. Little tougher to 'move on' when it's your pastor.

 

For your relationship's sake, take that last step and look up a therapist in your area and make an appointment. It is harder than hell to do, but I swear you'll feel better once you get some of this out.

[chickidee23]

Thank you all for the advice. I really do need to go see a therapist! The one I was seeing transferred and I haven't gone back to get a new one. Do you think including my fiance in a few therapy sessions would help him help me? Or is that just a bad idea? I am not sure I could be completely open with him there...

[zerohalo]

Thank you all for the advice. I really do need to go see a therapist! The one I was seeing transferred and I haven't gone back to get a new one. Do you think including my fiance in a few therapy sessions would help him help me? Or is that just a bad idea? I am not sure I could be completely open with him there...

Plan on seeing the therapist by yourself. At some point, he/she may suggest bringing in your fiance but for now this is something for you.

[wayne]

I don't know squat about molestation, but completely apart from that...

 

1. The guy is putting too much pressure on himself and on you. He knows that if he never gives you orgasms, then he is not being a good lover. Somehow he concludes from that that if he fails to give you one every single time, he'll have failed you somehow.

 

You can't experiment if you've got this mindset. If you're afraid to fail, you'll end up doing the same things all the time until it gets stale.

 

2. The more often you have sex, the less is at stake, and the freer you are to try new things that may or may not work out the first time you try them.

 

3. Sex isn't a test, it's a chance for you to play together, and even a "failure" is just something for you to laugh at together and learn from the next time. And if he can't laugh at himself and accept the occasional mishaps without freaking out, then he's not being a good playmate. It's just as bad as if he freaked out after losing a game of Scrabble.

 

4. Watch some videos and bring your own ideas into the bedroom. Maybe when he's following your lead, he won't feel so much pressure. Maybe you can show him by example that experimenting is fun when your attitude is that mishaps are part of the game and nothing to get upset about.

 

5. If he's down on himself, don't let him take you down with him. Remind him that you love playing with him, you love that he wants to please you, but you absolutely hate his "woe is me I'm a failure" attitude when everything doesn't go exactly right and it kills your enjoyment of the whole encounter.