Really friends or just a weak excuse.

[thatislife]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if people who break up or when they do it the rude way (dumpers), really mean if they want to be friends, or is it just a sad/weak excuse... Can it be used to hold the line, especially when somebody told you can i call you back in 3-5 years if something happen.

 

I mean friends/lovers, it's all about human behaviour. You should know your language, beware af what you can say and what not, no matter if you are lovers, friends, colleagues or whatever. How can you be friends with a person you have seen acting like a whole different person, have said things to you nobody ever said to you....

 

Ofcourse we love our exes...but friends, hmm my friends are way different than her, i guess...

 

anybody some advise, vision...please

[papalazarou]

Basically if someone breaks up with me and wants to be "friends" then its thank you and I will never see you or talk to you again. If I see you in the street I will say hello and then goodbye.

 

When someone dumps you and says lets be friends. Why would you want that. This was somone you were inimate with and now its gone.

 

You would have had friends before you met your current partner, you dont need them as a friend. When they end the relationship as far as im concerned they also end the friendship.

 

Having been a dumper on a couple of occasions of course I have said lets be friends but I have respected them by not contacting them whatsoever as, lets face it, its not fair on them.

[Emily1607307530]

Hey...im in the exact postition @ mo. My Bf or ex bf now split up with me 2 days ago and asked that he still wanted to be friends and remain in contact. But i felt that wasn't fair on me, spliting up with me then wanting to be friends . I said i couldn't because how could i be friends with someone i have been in a relationship with for over a yr. I just couldn't understand it to be honest. To me its like saying "i'm over u, now lets be friends I'm now doin the No Contact thing - whether its a good or bad thing i don't know.

[papalazarou]

Hey...im in the exact postition @ mo. My Bf or ex bf now split up with me 2 days ago and asked that he still wanted to be friends and remain in contact. But i felt that wasn't fair on me, spliting up with me then wanting to be friends . I said i couldn't because how could i be friends with someone i have been in a relationship with for over a yr. I just couldn't understand it to be honest. To me its like saying "i'm over u, now lets be friends I'm now doin the No Contact thing - whether its a good or bad thing i don't know.

 

 

In the long run it will be a very good thing - for YOU.

[Iceman26]

I was wondering if people who break up or when they do it the rude way (dumpers), really mean if they want to be friends, or is it just a sad/weak excuse...

 

Weak excuse. The dumper wants to be free of the guilt from breaking up with you by being your friend.

 

9 times out of 10 the minute they start dating someone else (your replacement) your friendship is history.

[heloladies21]

When an ex asks to be friends after the break up, it's never for legitimate reasons. It's always either due to avoiding the guilt of cutting you out of their life entirely (would cause you too much more pain), or to keep you hanging on as a back up plan in case they can't find someone new (which they always do). In rare cases it's for the amusement of manipulating you, but those situations are rare.

 

in any case, it's not good for you because it gives the dumpee false hope and wastes al lot of his time until the eventual day when he gets dumped for good.

 

But you're not going to change the way people act, they've done it this way for so long and will continue to do so. It's up to you to stick up for yourself, reject the friendship on it's face, and do your best to move forward.

[Q-ball]

I got dumped, I still love her, and I still want to be friends. I think that as long as I don't ever let myself think that we could get back together, that I can see her and have fun. It's always a little tough saying bye. If you truly love someone, you should be happy to see them doing well. If it's just anger, jealousy, you never really loved them. You just love that piece of dignity that you feel they have taken from you.

 

I think of it as though it is one of my old buddy's growing up. I used to skateboard everyday with my friend Kaleb, we went our separate ways, hang out with different people now, and have different goals, but we still have fun when we see each other. The only difference is there was never that immediate separation, things happen more gradually.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

sometimes they say that to lessen the blow for you (i.e., give you a transition period to accept the breakup), and sometimes because they feel guilty about dumping you and it eases their guilt to say they'll still be friends, or sometimes they don't want the big scene and crying and stalking that might happen if they tell you it is over and they never want to see you again...

 

and sometimes they do really value you and want the friendship, but don't want the romance... or they may have met someone else they are attracted to, but not sure they want to break it off entirely with you til they are sure the new person is what they want...

 

so there could be lots of reasons for them wanting to stay friends, but that is usually pretty unhealthy for the person dumped if they are still in love and wanting more... it will just fan the flames and perhaps keep false hope alive, and prevent you from moving on with their life and finding new loves/friends.

 

so regardless it is usually best for the one dumped to go into no contact for a long time or forever, until they have control of their emotions and have truly healed and don't want a relationship with the person who dumped them anymore...

 

sometimes amicable breakups where both people kind of had their emotions fizzle out before the breakup can handle being friends because both have already healed before the breakup, but that is not the usual case, except perhaps in really long relationships where the two people grow apart over time, but still like and respect each other...

 

but no way should you try to stay friends if you will be upset if the other person starts dating someone else, or if you are just seeing them as friends with the hopes of a reconciliation... it gets very confusing when you think you're working towards getting back together, and the other person genuinely has lost the spark and just wants a friendship, nothing more.

[wishiknew]

my view is this:

an ex is like a diseased limb, you have to cut it off for the sake of your health to ensure your own survival.

[Masu16]

I hate the lame lets be friends excuse...I was shot with that one...

She told me she just wanted to be friends because thats what it felt like our relationship was, when i could obviously beg to differ.

I told my mom about that and she said that being friends after a relationship is impossible. And damn was she right. My ex pitched the lame excuse just so she could get away from me. Now we never talk. Before I started NC, i talked to her one last time like 2 or 3 weeks ago. I said "you want to be friends with me but you wont talk to me. you wont even look me in the eye anymore. what is wrong with you? This friend crap isnt going to work." She told me "well then well make it work" I got super angry at her for not even making an effort to care anymore after all I did for her. And if i recall correctly what she said was this: "I dont really know if I want to be friends yet, im scared that we might get close and get back together." This totally blew my mind. If she knew that we had the potential to get back together, why would she stop herself from doing so? We were FRIENDS before we got together. Now we are just 2 separate people.

 

I dunno...my main point is that being friends after a relationship is hard. You expect more from this person you shared your life with and now you get nothing but a friendly hello or a hand shake. If you are the dumpee then you shouldnt make the effort tho. If the dumper really wanted to be friends then they would talk to you instead of you talking to them.