Am I doomed if I leave him? need strength...

[littledog]

Wow, I stumbled on this forum at the right time in my life, it has helped me so much already. I am dealing with a husband who is having an emotional affair with a fellow student. We are both late-in-life students in our early 30s, who gave up everything to start medical school out of the country. I am taking a leave of absense from school right now but he is continuing. I took off last semester to stay at home and have a baby, who is the absolute light in my life. Meanwhile, for the 1st 4 months of her life, my husband was down here (we live in the caribbean) going to school by himself. He developed some close friendships with fellow students, single females. Of course I didn't know that any of this was going on b/c I wasn't around.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I moved down here with the baby so we could all be together as a family, b/c we had been apart for so long.

As soon as we arrive, my husband starts (or continues) chatting with this one particular single female "friend" every night. He starts calling her all the time and hides his phone from me, and later deletes any entries where he called her or she called him. I have asked him repeatedly to stop, and we even went to counseling where he admitted that what he was doing was disrespectful to me and promised he would stop. Well, next day he's doing it again. Counseling AGAIN, where he says he has told her to stop contacting him--next night, he's initiating a chat with her. He goes off for hours to the coffee shop with her, to do laundry with her, has all these excuses where he "just needs to get out of the house, or "I just can't study here and need to leave" and then I find he's called her. Sends her chats like "I'll call you when I leave the house, don't reply to this." And here I am, all alone down here with no family or friends around and this little 4 month old baby who has taken up all of my time and I am so very very tired. I have no one to talk to and he pushes me away, and argues with me over everything. Then later that night when I'm in bed he's chatting with this "friend". (Yes, I have been spying, but otherwise I would never know what a jerk he is, and I defend my decision) He thinks I am so clueless.

 

It's not like our marriage was great to begin with, he's always been controlling and pretty emotionally unavailable. To make matters worse, we've been apart for 4 months while I had the baby, and raised her myself and he's been in school, reliving his high school days, going out to parties all the time. And now that the baby and I are here, he still thinks he can go out to parties and hang out with his friends whenever he wants. He says he's having a hard time adjusting to "family life" he shows no interest in the baby, and only takes her when I break down crying because I'm so exhausted from being with her 24 hours a day. I need a break.

 

So anyways, I've decided to leave. Life here is not worth it, and me coming down here was his last chance and he blew it. I've gotten over the fact that I might be overreacting--partly from what I've read on this forum--it's obvious that he's being unfaithful and disrespectful. Unfortunately I can't get a flight out for another couple of days, so I'm waiting to confront him until I can leave immediately after and get the baby out of here safely.

 

I'm so scared though!! I will have to go live with my parents, give up school, get a job and completely start over. I worry that if I leave I will never find anyone who will want a 30 year old single mother who has no career, who dropped out of medical school. I know what I'm doing is the healthiest choice for me and my daughter right now, but I am just terrified. I keep thinking about the stigma that will be on me. If anyone out there has gone through this, and decided to leave, and survived, please give me some reassurance. Are there really men out there who are kind and respectful of their wives? Who don't look at hardcore pornography on a daily basis (as my husband now does) who are willing to take in a woman who has a child? Are there any men left at my age? I feel so old and like a failure. I've spent 7 years of my life with this man, and I now realize that I have always knew in my heart that he is an immature, selfish person, and now he's really proved it, so loud and clear. He won't talk to my parents because he thinks they are idiots and treats them like dirt beneath his fingernails. I feel like I'm going crazy and am drowning in suspicion, hurt, all these feelings I've never had before, and this on top of having a demanding infant to take care of!

 

The other question I have--should I write a letter to this "friend" of his that he's been chatting with? Should I say how disrespectful it is for her to knowingly communicate secretly with my husband? I just want revenge on him so badly right now, but I know that I will regret it, so I'm just trying to stay calm until I can get out of this situation. I don't know what to do, I feel completely emotionally bankrupt and I can't make any decisions. I feel SO alone...

 

sorry this is so long--any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Please GIVE ME STRENGTH TO DO THIS!! I need it now so much. thank you.

[JoeWho]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is one of the worst things that a person can go through. I think that the best thing for you to do is to just get out of this situation. If your husband wont stop talking to this "friend" of his then it looks like he has already made the decision for you. Dont worry about getting revenge on him, just do whats best for you and your baby.

 

Dont be scared about not being able to find someone else, you will eventually. Just concentrate on what is best for your baby and yourself and eventually everything else will just fall into place.

 

You dont need anyone on here to give you the strength you need, you already have it.

[Jetta]

I honestly think you should reconsider leaving. You just quit med school, you have an infant. This is a lot of change and often change causes reactions in people. Why not try a marriage counselor first. Your problems can be worked through, really they can.

 

Maybe the pressure of family and school is getting to your husband, so he goes out trying to recapture his youth and freedom. You both need a heart to heart talk. Explain how you need him, give specific examples of ways he can help you with the baby (remain calm). Do you want to return to school? If so make a plan to, if not find a job/career that's of interest to you.

 

Stay married for now, reestablish yourself, and see how you feel in a year. I divorced prematurely and now I see it could have been resolved or at the very least I should have prepared myself better. Get on solid ground first. You may decide to stay or still decide to divorce but at least you'll be prepared.

[JoeWho]

If he is obviously cheating on her and she confronts him and he admits he is being disrespectful and promises to stop, then the next day is doing it again how can she stay in that unhealthy environment? I understand what you are saying but if he is not going to stop and is unwilling to work things out, what options does she have? I cant possibly see how it would be good for her or her baby to hang around and hope that he stops cheating and suddenly transforms into the husband she is looking for. Maybe a honest heart to heart talk before she leaves would be best, but I dont think it will change him.

[littledog]

The only thing is, we HAVE been to a marriage counselor, twice now. I HAVE had so many heart to heart talks with him. I HAVE told him exactly how he can help out with the baby. And he disregards or brushes off everything I say. The counselor is the one who told him to stop seeing the "friend" if he wanted to save the marriage, but he keeps doing it. I know he's trying to recapture his youth, but I just don't believe that I can stay with him while he chooses to do it. Especially when he consistently makes these choices at the expense of any intimacy or trust in our marriage. I have tried SO hard to make this work, I really have. This feels like it is just the final straw...

 

Also, I'm just taking a leave of absense from school, so I can always return in the future. And I am going to leave him here and head back home and try to establish a life without him before signing divorce papers. I'm just looking at separation right now. I hardly ever do anything drastic, so I'm taking baby steps even in this situation, and not burning any bridges just yet.

[Jetta]

Littledog,

Well it sounds like you've tried, and he doesn't seem to want to heal the marriage. It's too bad. Prepare yourself as much as possible before taking that final step. Good luck to you. And of course you'll meet someone again. Tons of available guys are out there. When you're ready one will come along.

[Northalius]

Girl, you're not a failure. Your husband, however, is. He's 100% in the wrong here, and even after you have a child! My goodness. You're a true winner for having to put up with so much of this crap from him, on top of having to deal with dropping out of school, having the kid with you 24/7. You're stronger than you think, my friend.

 

Speak with a counselor about all of this; you really need to vent this stuff to someone face to face, who'll be experienced enough to give you some very good advice.

 

Also, speak to a lawyer, while you're at it. Save any evidence of your husband cheating, and keep it in a safe place, for future reference.

 

You've hung in here long enough to this date, so you'll make it through to success. I strongly believe it to be so.

 

You'll find someone else, only if you really want to. The more you want someone to be with you, the more you'll push yourself to looking for someone, and it'll come true sooner or later. Do not be scared of being alone for the rest of your life; do not dwell on these thoughts, or you'll give up and make them come true yourself, if you keep doubting you'll meet another guy.

 

We can be our own worst enemy sometimes; when we doubt it, we then give up on trying to make it come true, and our own personal doubts become reality, because we made them through our mind. The mind is powerful, and can be our best friend, but then again, our worst enemy... if we let it.

 

Anyway, don't worry about that right now! You've other more important things to think about, like your child. Move back with your parents, get some good counseling, get back on track with a job, and someone will come along in natural timing.

[Rabican]

I think you are doing the right thing. He is a jerk, and needs to be treated as such... kicked to the curb. Focus on your daughter, when they are a little older you can get back to school, or maybe you can squeeze in some sort of night classes, or a couple of credits here and there... eventually you will get your degree (if not in medical, then something else). Maybe take up some sort of technical career... something that pays but doesnt require the extensive years of schooling.

In the meantime, sue him for child support its the least he owes you after all this.

[notsomuch]

get out get out get out.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

to me, it seems pretty clear he is having an affair, which probably started during the 4 months you were gone, and is not willing to give it up, though he is willing to lie to kept things from exploding if you did find out... i can honestly say i don't know ANY married man who would go off to do laundry with a single woman friend!! that is just ridiculous, and he is just having to come up with excuse after excuse to cover his absenses to be with her...

 

the fact that he is showing little interest in your daugther shows he does not want to be part of a family and have responsbility.... neither you nor your daughter needs this rejection and inconsideration at this time in your life...

 

please makes plans to go back to your family and get back on your feet again... and by all means, get a legal separation agreement that requires him to pay child support... he is acting like an irresponsible teenager, not a grown man, and there is NO excuse for him shirking his parental responsbility to his daugther, other than selfishness...

 

so please pick up your life, and move on... there are tons of people who get married at second time in their 30s, usually single parents whose own first marriages didn't work out, so it is not a question of someone 'taking on' you and your daughter, but of sharing and forming a new family unit... you can join groups like Parents Without Partners, where lots of people meet and marry and raise their blended family...

 

so don't let this jerk stop you from getting the love and stable family life you and your daughter deserve... but be sure to consult a lawyer to get a legal separation and go on to divorce, so that there is no potential that he will run up debts and try to stick you with half of them in a divorce later... you also shouldn't be required to pay any of his school loans etc., and he should be required to pay child support.

[radioheader]

you are doing the right thing...you need support from friends and family so you can deal with this in a healthy manner and be able to be the best parent you can to your little girl....this is not going to be easy...but you WILL make it thru and come out better on the other side! do get legal advice when you return and get child support...and don't forget to go back to court after he gets his degree and ask for more! hang in there!