Wow, I stumbled on this forum at the right time in my life, it has helped me so much already. I am dealing with a husband who is having an emotional affair with a fellow student. We are both late-in-life students in our early 30s, who gave up everything to start medical school out of the country. I am taking a leave of absense from school right now but he is continuing. I took off last semester to stay at home and have a baby, who is the absolute light in my life. Meanwhile, for the 1st 4 months of her life, my husband was down here (we live in the caribbean) going to school by himself. He developed some close friendships with fellow students, single females. Of course I didn't know that any of this was going on b/c I wasn't around.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I moved down here with the baby so we could all be together as a family, b/c we had been apart for so long.
As soon as we arrive, my husband starts (or continues) chatting with this one particular single female "friend" every night. He starts calling her all the time and hides his phone from me, and later deletes any entries where he called her or she called him. I have asked him repeatedly to stop, and we even went to counseling where he admitted that what he was doing was disrespectful to me and promised he would stop. Well, next day he's doing it again. Counseling AGAIN, where he says he has told her to stop contacting him--next night, he's initiating a chat with her. He goes off for hours to the coffee shop with her, to do laundry with her, has all these excuses where he "just needs to get out of the house, or "I just can't study here and need to leave" and then I find he's called her. Sends her chats like "I'll call you when I leave the house, don't reply to this." And here I am, all alone down here with no family or friends around and this little 4 month old baby who has taken up all of my time and I am so very very tired. I have no one to talk to and he pushes me away, and argues with me over everything. Then later that night when I'm in bed he's chatting with this "friend". (Yes, I have been spying, but otherwise I would never know what a jerk he is, and I defend my decision) He thinks I am so clueless.
It's not like our marriage was great to begin with, he's always been controlling and pretty emotionally unavailable. To make matters worse, we've been apart for 4 months while I had the baby, and raised her myself and he's been in school, reliving his high school days, going out to parties all the time. And now that the baby and I are here, he still thinks he can go out to parties and hang out with his friends whenever he wants. He says he's having a hard time adjusting to "family life" he shows no interest in the baby, and only takes her when I break down crying because I'm so exhausted from being with her 24 hours a day. I need a break.
So anyways, I've decided to leave. Life here is not worth it, and me coming down here was his last chance and he blew it. I've gotten over the fact that I might be overreacting--partly from what I've read on this forum--it's obvious that he's being unfaithful and disrespectful. Unfortunately I can't get a flight out for another couple of days, so I'm waiting to confront him until I can leave immediately after and get the baby out of here safely.
I'm so scared though!! I will have to go live with my parents, give up school, get a job and completely start over. I worry that if I leave I will never find anyone who will want a 30 year old single mother who has no career, who dropped out of medical school. I know what I'm doing is the healthiest choice for me and my daughter right now, but I am just terrified. I keep thinking about the stigma that will be on me. If anyone out there has gone through this, and decided to leave, and survived, please give me some reassurance. Are there really men out there who are kind and respectful of their wives? Who don't look at hardcore pornography on a daily basis (as my husband now does) who are willing to take in a woman who has a child? Are there any men left at my age? I feel so old and like a failure. I've spent 7 years of my life with this man, and I now realize that I have always knew in my heart that he is an immature, selfish person, and now he's really proved it, so loud and clear. He won't talk to my parents because he thinks they are idiots and treats them like dirt beneath his fingernails. I feel like I'm going crazy and am drowning in suspicion, hurt, all these feelings I've never had before, and this on top of having a demanding infant to take care of!
The other question I have--should I write a letter to this "friend" of his that he's been chatting with? Should I say how disrespectful it is for her to knowingly communicate secretly with my husband? I just want revenge on him so badly right now, but I know that I will regret it, so I'm just trying to stay calm until I can get out of this situation. I don't know what to do, I feel completely emotionally bankrupt and I can't make any decisions. I feel SO alone...
sorry this is so long--any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Please GIVE ME STRENGTH TO DO THIS!! I need it now so much. thank you.
