Feeling left behind

[Dougie_D]

You know the old saying... First base is a kiss, 2nd is a feel, 3rd is....and you know what home is...

Well, I'm not even on the team yet. I keep on getting cut from the list and every year there are more younger kids getting on the roster.

I'm 26 years old and have never had a girlfriend. I don't think that I've ever been on a date.

I'm out of college...have a stupid degree!.... but can't find a "career job"

I am seriously getting lonely... I don't have many close friends. I moved away for 5 years because of school. I come back to my hometown and most of my highschool buddies are in serious relationships or married. I don't have time for that crap....I've always been kind of a loner.

All I am asking ....for my first step is:

Where do most people meet women?

You can scratch these ideas for me --- church, volunteering, dance, or sports.---- I'm not religious, I don't have time to do things for nothing, I don't do clubing, I'm short..and not in shape.

What else is out there!!!???!

[musicguy]

Bars, concerts, community events, the mall, parks, the library, grocery store, online..women are everywhere

[rusty_boi]

Speed dating is an idea or a blackberry party, how it works is everyone has a number stuck on their shirt and blackberries in hand. if u see someone ure interested in you message the number on her shirt and get talking, if all goes well you meet up at the end of the night.

 

One thing you can meet a girl through sport dont worry about your height just try get your fitness up tennis, basketball theres heaps of sports u can meet girls.

 

If your really against playn a sport go gym, theres usually some good looking girls there.

[Batya33]

I'm hearing a lot of pity party comments and passivity/negativity in your comments. Of course luck and timing matter but mostly what matters is a positive mindset which leads to the motivation to get involved in things that matter to you and that enhance your positive self image.

 

By the way, my boyfriend is 5"5, my last boyfriend was 5"4. They are very successful (and I'm not focusing on monetarily when I say that) and people of integrity and character. I am short too - never stopped me.

 

You're not cut from the list - you're cutting yourself from the list. That's your choice but when you acknowledge your role and your negative mindset perhaps you'll make a different choice. I will warn you - having been there at times, it's far easier to stay in your comfort zone of negativity and blaming others for your issues.

[Ash]

You can scratch these ideas for me --- church, volunteering, dance, or sports.---- I'm not religious, I don't have time to do things for nothing, I don't do clubing, I'm short..and not in shape.

 

Ouch!!! Volunteering is definitely NOT doing things for nothing. It's not all about personal gain although I find volunteering very personally fulfilling. Perhaps this speaks to the root of the issue and you're not seen as being the type of person that's ever going to be there for anybody else. You have to love yourself first before anybody else will. This also speaks to your friendship issues. Other people pick up on this. Potential mates may be being pushed away thinking that there will never be anything for them.

 

Take a step back, look at yourself and come to terms with how that person is. I think you'd help yourself a great deal if you thought about doing things for other people without it being something you might benefit from.

 

Giving time and efforts to others is definitely a way to make your more attractive. It's something people appreciate, and often that's one of the first steps in a new relationship, appreciation. While you're at it, make sure you appreciate anybody you might be interested.

[lifestream]

You have to do something social in order to meet people. You've just cut a whole load of social activities.

[Batya33]

I've done volunteer work since age 15 and regularly for the last 12 years. He is entitled to feel that it is "doing something for nothing" and shouldn't be forced to volunteer. I know how rewarding, inspiring and motivating it is, how I have helped others and how I have made strong lasting friendships through the work that I have done and do. He doesn't feel that way. That's a shame, but he's entitled. I wouldn't want anyone to do volunteer work- especially one on one with people who are in need - out of a sense of guilt only or obligation - the people in need deserve someone with sincere intentions.

[coooolsome]

I think before you start looking for a woman, you need to do something about your negativity and self doubt. Your not getting women because you have no confidence. You talk about yourself like your some troll that a woman wouldnt even want. That is not how a confident man talks.

 

Maybe you should start working out, meeting new people, going out and trying things. Don't have the attitude that you arent going to try something new b/c you are just screwing yourself. Your first step shouldnt be where can I find women. Your first step should be about you. Make yourself feel better, make new friends, do new things, start working out. Negativity is not going to get you anywhere except this forum where everyone will say the same things im saying.

 

In your analogy, you havent been cut from the team. You are trying to get on and play without practising and trying out. Bring up your self esteem, your confidence and then women will naturally flock to you.

 

Oh yeah, women hate downers. They like guys that are fun to be around. Become that guy, it wont happen overnight so be patient.

[Ash]

I've done volunteer work since age 15 and regularly for the last 12 years. He is entitled to feel that it is "doing something for nothing" and shouldn't be forced to volunteer. I know how rewarding, inspiring and motivating it is, how I have helped others and how I have made strong lasting friendships through the work that I have done and do. He doesn't feel that way. That's a shame, but he's entitled. I wouldn't want anyone to do volunteer work- especially one on one with people who are in need - out of a sense of guilt only or obligation - the people in need deserve someone with sincere intentions.

 

My meaning is volunteering in the broad sense of the word. Viewed the way I was thinking even holding the door open for somebody is a form of volunteering. That's more what I'm getting at. Coaching a team, giving a ride to a coworker, they're along those lines too.

 

Granted, I would never want to pressure somebody who was against it into volunteering because they felt they had to.

 

What I was trying to do was have the initial poster look outside himself and learn to appreciate things, both from a give and take point of view.

 

But on the subject of "doing something for nothing" .. if that truly is the feeling then how can we expect somebody to do something for us if they get nothing back? Works both ways.

 

Think of it this way, the inital poster wants some input. He wants us, the uncompensated community that is ENA to offer something up ... but at the same time tells us he's not interested in that sort of thing.

[Dougie_D]

Hey...thanks for the inputs.

First, I have to explain my "volunteering" situation. I've seen my mother "volunteer" for a lot of things when I have been growing up. Mostly with adult literacy. The problem is that I am just like my mother. We are both extremely nice. We allow people to "use" us. If you "volunteer" sometimes they expect a lot because they don't get a lot. They gave my mother a tremendous "guilt trip" when she decided leave. When you volunteer more than 40 hours a week, that's a problem...because that's the idea of volunteering. If you volunteer, you need a place that needs it one time or they have hundreds. It's free labor.

I help people when I see it's needed or they ask. and Honestly...I should help myself first?! I've always think about other people first and not myself.

 

About my confidence....Yes, I think it might help me out but it's something that I have a hard time dealing with. I'm constantly picked on about my personality, looks, ...everything. I've heard people saying "i'm weird." I ask them why....and they reply " Because it's you!!"

In highschool, a lot of kids told me to go ahead and kill myself. They said the world would be better off.

People seem to make fun of me when there are other people around. But if we are alone they don't really poke fun of me as much. They still do it, though,... including some "friends"

My parents don't really help either....at least my DAD. They have wanted me to get plastic surgery. They don't leave me alone..."so I think it's time for you to find a girl." "get a better job"

 

O.k..so that's my responses for those. My second question:

How do you approach these women? Can anyone give me details in what you said to them? Who you were with...by yourself or with a friend?

Thanks --

[Batya33]

I don't think holding the door for someone or having good manners is the same as volunteer work - it's just good manners. To me volunteer work means doing work for which you are not compensated in money or a money-equivalent (like a discount at a store, gifts, etc).

 

As far as expecting to get things back, again you are presuming that the poster is obligated to do for others whether by volunteering or by good manners. He's not obligated and he doesn't seem to want to. This is his choice. As long as he's not breaking any laws or intentionally hurting someone he is not required to do for others and perhaps he doesn't care if others do for him.

 

For the record, I don't do volunteer work with the expectation of a reward or that others will do for me. But that's just me.

[Ash]

High school and public school can be very brutal places these days if you're not made from exactly the same mold as everybody else there. It's hard to discount some of what is said there, but in reality none of the verbal bashing your receive should be taken very far to heart. Just as you, they're all trying to find thier places in the world and it may surprise you to realize even those who are popular have some of the same issues you do.

 

If you want to date, and want to be with women then it will eventually happen. Don't beat yourself up because it doesn't go the way you want because you'll end up being more and more bitter.

 

I've always found it easier to approach women from a friendly and helpful side. Notice something about them and offer a friendly compliment but don't overdo it! Also, don't make it a totally obvious thing. If they look tired or sad ask them if they're having a rough day. If they're happy, comment on that fact. If you think you might have something in common (sometimes it's obvious, other times quite subtle) then that can be a conversation starter. The first couple of times you say a few words to someone keep it short and simple so it doesn't get strained or awkward. If there's a glimmer of hope, then there will be a next time to chat. You can build up from there.

[Batya33]

Now when I look back at high school and realized how much energy I spent (wasted??) trying to fit in, be cool, be popular it is really something. Having said that, I don't know that I would have been able to "see" that back then.

 

My suggestions to follow up on Ash's post- think about or find an activity that inspires you and join (or start??) a club based on it - I don't know, debate, the math club, school shows/plays, etc. From what I heard it was far easier to make friends - real friends - in high school if you all did some activity together other than just hanging out (nothing wrong with hanging out but there can be more pressure to be social when you're not together for a specific activity).

[Dougie_D]

Hey...guys...I'm actually thankful that people are willing to give me advice...But I'm looking for something specific.

Just another quick question...is it bad that people call you "eccentric?" anyways....

Give me a scenerio on how to approach or talk to a girl.

Let's say at a concert or bar. That's the only places I really enjoy going. I need to start going to places where I don't run into people I know. It brings my reputation with me.

I'm looking for real life situations...not hypothetical. I'm looking for what exactly happened.

Thanks ---

Doug

[g1234567890h]

I can't really help you on the bar scene because I'm underage. I do go to concerts, though, and I meet very interesting people there. Here's the scenario: we're standing in line waiting to get into the venue. She's with her friends and I'm with mine.

 

Me: "Who are you here to see?"

Her: "I'm here to see Trivium." (We were at the Sounds of the Underground tour and they were on the list.)

Me: "Oh, they're cool. I'm here to see Machine Head. It's their first show here in like two years. I'm pretty stoked."

Her: "Yeah, they're pretty awesome."

Me: "I'm in a band with my drummer. He's here. His family knows Phil Demmel." (Phil Demmel happens to be the lead guitarist for Machine Head.)

Her: "Who?"

Me: "Lead guitars for Machine Head."

Her: "Oh wow, is he from around here?"

Me: "Hell yes, he was his neighbor."

Her: "That's really cool. What do you play?"

Me: "Vocals and guitars. I write all the music."

Her: "Is it metal?"

Me: "What else would it be?"

Her: "That's cool"

Me: "What do you do?"

Her: "I'm in college."

Me: "Why?"

Her: "For psychology."

Me: "No, that's your major. Why are you going to college?"

Her: a small laugh, "I don't know, really. I guess it's time to go."

Me: "Do you work? Like a job."

Her: "Yeah, I work at Macy's."

Me: "Oh, right, they hire all the hot chicks at Macy's."

Her: She laughs and blushes at this. "I fold clothes."

Me: "You're making the world a better place. I'm a preschool teacher."

Her: "ReallY? I thought you were a musician."

Me: "I'm that, too. I play guitar for my kids. They love it."

Her: "I imagine."

Me: "I'm actually an author."

Her: "What do you write?"

Me: "A little of everything. I write mostly thrillers but I do some drama stuff too. I even wrote a romance."

Her: "Do you have anything published?"

Me: "Only on the internet and in magazines. I edit people's books and papers for publication, you know, that sort of thing. People are such bad writers it's nuts."

Her: "I'm not a good writer."

Me: "You'll learn. I'm in college, too. It's rediculously easy."

Her: "Do you find time to sleep?"

Me: "Six hours a night on average. I'm an insomniac."

Her: "I know I need my eight hours."

Me: "Are you planning on pitting today?"

Her: "I don't think so."

Me: "You shouldn't. You'd get demolished when Machine Head comes on."

Her: "I've never seen them before."

Me: "You're in for a hell of a ride. Stick with me and you'll be well taken care of. Who else are you here with?"

Her: "A couple of my friends."

Me: "You bring any weed?"

Her: "Not really."

Me: "Me neither. I don't smoke but I was just wondering if you do. Do you smoke?"

Her: "Sometimes."

Me: "Duh, who doesn't? You feel like hanging out with me and my drummer today?"

Her: "Sure, why not?"

Me: "Do you go to these a lot?"

Her: "Not much."

Me: "Yeah, you're going to get wrecked."

 

So that's how I met Natasha. It was fun and we hung out for the day but I really wasn't interested in a relationship with her. We had a nice one day friendship. If we were interested we could have started dating but for the day we just flirted. We hugged at the end and parted ways. I might see her at another concert someday. I'm not single anymore, but I like hanging out with girls.

 

And you can probably tell that I'm very eccentric. Being eccentric is a good thing.

[Batya33]

Hey...guys...I'm actually thankful that people are willing to give me advice...But I'm looking for something specific.

Just another quick question...is it bad that people call you "eccentric?" anyways....

Give me a scenerio on how to approach or talk to a girl.

Let's say at a concert or bar. That's the only places I really enjoy going. I need to start going to places where I don't run into people I know. It brings my reputation with me.

I'm looking for real life situations...not hypothetical. I'm looking for what exactly happened.

Thanks ---

Doug

 

I think it helps when you are doing a shared activity because that is always a natural topic of conversation. Eccentric can be positive - it depends whether it is distance-creating with others - or whether you use it as an excuse to be.

[Dougie_D]

Well...is there any way to break it? The Best Friend Syndrome. I can talk to girls and stuff but I always get "I just want to be friends" reply...Also I think I need to approach girls without my guy friends...They like to embarrass me or the girl would rather talk to them than me.

Anyways...I like this forum because a lot of you seem to like hardcore/metal stuff...That's a plus! I used to be in a band called Vatican Destroyer!

If you want to get a good look at me...I'm on a Senses Fail DVD. Let It Enfold You split CD/DVD...Go to the "In the beginnings"...scene selecton...and I'm about 2 minutes in. I'm doing my Dougie D Rap!

I'm thinking maybe this might the reason I don't get girls....I've been doing this for people ever since 7th grade. The dance and all!

I really need to find a girl that likes me.

Thanks ---

[g1234567890h]

Hey, I sent you a PM. I think I know what to do but it's a bit long and personal for posting in this thread. Tell me if you're interested.

[musicguy]

If you want to get a good look at me...I'm on a Senses Fail DVD. Let It Enfold You split CD/DVD...Go to the "In the beginnings"...scene selecton...and I'm about 2 minutes in. I'm doing my Dougie D Rap!

 

That's you in the DVD?? I watch that all the time

[Dougie_D]

Yup!!! That's me!...it's kind of funny. They weren't the first band to "want to show" people my little rap.

Way before Atreyu got signed to Victory... They spent the night over this girls house I knew. We ate spagetti together...and I showed them the rap...

They were "like dude!, you have to come on tour with us and do that on stage!" I kind of thought they were making fun of me and not being serious...I shouldv'e said yeah! I was still in college though.

I think my personality can be too silly. And a lot of girls think I'm desperate...

I guess I am...

But sometimes I wonder if there were girls in my past that maybe wanted to date me, but decided not to because of what people would think. I wonder that a lot. I have the quick..."best friend" thing with anyone. Basically, we'll be friends for a month but it feels like 3 years.

Now you know why people think I'm weird.... I wasn't drunk...but people think I am...so I go with the flow...make it an excuse.

I never did drugs until college...but people in highschool called me Dougie the Drugie....because they thought I was high or just messed up...It's my personality... Damn it sucks. Especially trying to get a girlfriend.

---

[musicguy]

how old are you?

[Dougie_D]

I'm 26. I was probably either 22 or 23 when Senses Fail video taped me.

[Blackhawk2009]

im like in the exact same position as u except im only 18 lol

[Dougie_D]

No offense...but how is that funny. I'm turning 30 in about 4 more years. I need some help...

[Blackhawk2009]

im laughing at myself..not at u Good luck to u man im workin hard on the same