It's been 8 months. Need advice on what to do. Especially Superdave's!

[Costas]

I have been a regular reader of this forum since last June when my girlfriend dumped me. I never wrote my story but the comments on this forum helped me a lot. I will try to keep it brief and i need some advice on what to do.

 

We broke up last June. It lasted almost 2 years. I am 31 she is 28. The first 18 months were great. She kept saying that i changed her life for the better and that she adored me. After a few months although she had her own place, she started spending most of her time at my appartment and gradually moved in. We spent almost every night together. She was the one that pursued this and i enjoyed spending time with her so i let it happen. She was so happy and was showing it to everyone. I got along with her parents and everything was going great. We had a very close relationship and really cared about each other. I supported her emotionally and financially and was always there for her to talk to. We had only two problems in the last 6 months of our relationship. Some problems at work stressed me out and i fell into a depression. She kept saying to me that she couldn't stand seeing me in this way and i was really thinking of leaving my job. She was also stressed out because of problems in her job. The other problem was my father who didn't like her and was showing it to her.

 

At this point (1 month before we break up) she was tellling me to leave my appartment and stay with her at her house and was talking about the prospect of getting married and have children. I told her i would think about moving. However in this month she was avoiding to get intimate with me, something that created tension between us. She avoided me for a few days staying at her house and one fine day she came to me and told me she needed time apart. I was shocked! We were so close, how could this happen?

I was like a god to her and now i don't meet her requirements (that's what she told me when i put pressure on her). I got furious, she picked up her things, then the next day i apologised and gave her the time she needed only for her to invite me for dinner the next day. We were back together but after 10 days she told me that we should break up and it would be final. She mentioned my father, the effect that my work has on me and that i didn't give her enough attention. She said that she felt trapped. She thought that i had too many flaws that because of the love she didn't see at the beginning. She said the she is looking for someone to support her emotionally and not someone that needs support (because of my problems in the last months). This was particularly ungrateful from her as i was always there for her when she had health problems and also when her father got ill.

 

I left but i didn't practice No Contact. We kept in touch and we talked on the phone and although i was trying to sound indifferent, i was going crazy. She was telling me she was going out and was having a great time. Then i stopped calling to see if she will contact me. I lasted for 5 days. I called her on her mobile and she hanged up. An hour later she called me back. We talked for five minutes and then she told me to hang and that she would call be back in 5 mins. She didn't call back. The next morning i called her to see if she is ok and reacted angrily and said that she forgot to call me back. That day was our 2 year "anniversary". I couldn't resist. I took flowers a card and a gold necklace !!! and went to her house. She read the card, accepted the flowers, denied the necklace, told me that she prefers to stay alone right now and showed to me the door.

 

I left but again didn't practice NC. I contacted her friends, her mother and found out who she is hanging out with. Then a male "friend" of her told me that she was intimate with somebody else that i knew (10 years younger than her!) and i went crazy. I got upset and sent her one nasty message. One day she sent me by courrier all the gifts that i gave her in the 2 years. I took them and went straight to her house. I told her why i sent her the nasty message and who told me. She replied that she was just being friendly with him and that the other guy misunderstood. She assured me that nothing was going on. She started crying saying that she was also feeling miserable this past month. I told her to take the presents back as they were given with love and she couldn't just return them. I said this and left. After half an hour she sent me a message if it was possible to get back together again. I replied "only if you are sure that is what you really want". We got back together but only lasted 5 days and she said that she doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. She said she couldn't forget the nasty message i sent to her. She had a tendency of running away when things get difficult, both in relationships and in her work (she changed 10 jobs in 5 years). She said that she would visit a psychologist. She did that but only as a way to get over me and not to deal with her issues. She admitted this later on.

 

I begged and pleaded for a couple of weeks until i found this forum and decided to do NC. ALthough for the wrong reasons. I put a timeline of 1 month and tried to contact her again. She accepted gladly to meet me for coffee. She kept mentioning this guy and told me they became good friends. I found out a bit later that they are going out. I got really obssessed but decided to move on. I dated another girl but i kept thinking about her so i stopped it.

 

The other guy dumped her after a few months(last September). After this i got my hopes up and i sent her some messages and met with her another two times pretending to be fine with it but i was still hurting very badly and her indifference towards me wasn't helping at all. I initiated almost all contact. I kept hurting myself unti i did the most stupid thing. One night i was drunk and nostalgic and i passed from her house and she saw me. She got very upset and called and yelled at me and said she never wants to see me again. It was a wake up call for me, that i should stop doing this to myself.

 

 

COMING TO TODAY

Since this (beginning of October) we had no contact. i started some new hobbies and tried to improve myself.

 

At the end of the year i couldn't resist and sent her a happy new year message. She replied telling me "a chance for new targets in your life!"

I called her 10 days after that and apologised for my mistake to go by her house. I told her that i didn't like the way things ended and that it was a big burden for me. I was going abroad on a business trip that day and she said she will call me when i get back. I told her i would like to see her. When i got back she called me (a week ago) and asked me to meet her at her house. She was sick and had to stay at home for 5 days. We had a nice conversation but also discussed some things that bothered me about the breakup as i thought this would be closure. I told her that what bothered me the most is the ease with which she moved on. She told me that it was just an act and that it was very difficult for her too. She said she loved me but not in a romantic way. I thought this was closure.

 

Last Monday i called her to see if she was better and asked her if she needed company. She said "come over". I went by her house again and we talked very lightly. Didn't bring up the relationship and the breakup. The conversation went very well. I asked her to call me and give me an update on her health situation and left.

 

She was going to the doctor later that day and sent me a message later that night informing me on what the doctor had told her. We exchanged some messages. On the next day i got carried away. I sent her a message asking whether she is feeling better and replied with just a YES after a few hours. I sent her another stupid message just to start a conversation and she didn't reply.

 

How do i proceed so that i don't scare her away? I would love to have another chance, we had a good time when we met the other day. I know i am risking to get hurt again but i want to make one last try.

[karvala]

I've got to be honest with you; you're not risking getting hurt, you're guaranteeing it.

 

She broke up with you, she's remained broken up with you for eight months now. She's been with another guy. She said you don't meet her requirements (and anyone who said that to me would find that they no longer met mine either, one of which is that they don't say that to me). She has not asked to get back together with you, or shown any sign that she wants to. She has recently told you that she does not love you in a romantic way. Really, how many signs do you want?

 

Please, for your own sake, don't go there. You're not over her, and that's fair enough, there's no reason you should be yet. But you know how you felt before you began no contact, you know how much better you felt after a few months of no contact. You know how you feel now, after raising this possibility in your mind. And you know, deep down, exactly how you feel when she says no, and you once again struggle with the "Should I try to be friends? Should I do NC?" all over again.

 

I wish I could tell you to go for it, but honestly, I think you're just setting yourself up for a repeat episode of pain. If you have to do this to finally get past her, then perhaps, but realise that it will be for that reason, and not because there's a realistic chance that she will come back and you will live happily ever after. I so wish you could, but there just isn't any evidence to support that in this case.

[Costas]

Thanks Karvala, I appreciate your input. For months i resisted posting here beacause i would only accuse her of treason and ask for sympathy votes. I know that every situation is different, i know that she is not giving me many signs, but the breakup happened so suddenly that i still have some many unanswered questions that can only be resolved by contact. Her love for me was too strong at times that i still can't believe the way all that died in one month.

 

There are more things that she did after the breakup that hurt me immensely that i didn't mention here and there are also many nice things we both did for each other when we were together that also i didn't mention here not to make this thread too long. It was too perfect at times. Until one month before the breakup we didn't have major arguments. And then she said that i didn't appreciate the things she did for me and that i showed that i love her after we broke up. This change in attitude was so sudden and so resolute and she was in such a hurry to leave the relationship that left me a scar that may never go away.

 

She had a traumatic childhood and i think she is suffering from borderline personality disorder. All that made her hung on to me very tightly and then discard me like i was nobody to her. She knows how much she hurts me, and i know that she must remember the great times we had. I just can't believe that she will find somebody as devoted to her that i was and i was accused of not loving her enough at the end!

 

I know i should just move on, but she was an important part of my life and i know that i can't hate her. I have tried. I spent with her the happiest days of my life. That's why i made contact so that i end it on good terms.

 

And now that i have done it, i got this urge to explore the opportunity to get back together if she is not seeing any one. I know it's crazy!

 

I should have never forgiven her for the things she did to me. But i never felt so close with someone in all of my life. It scares me whether i ever will.

 

I don't know why i feel the need to be her saviour, as now she has many problems (financial-forced to do 2 jobs, no real friends and health problems).

 

I just can't forget the way she loved me in these two years and the things she was willing to do for me.

 

I know things are not bright but maybe i need to have a last shot without getting into a fight with her at the end.

[onelittleladybug]

I have to say I agree with Karvala

 

If she is not even responding to your text messages then thats a huge sign that she has no intentions of getting back together. Maybe she will change her mind but it definitely wont happen when you are trying. The best thing you can do is move on and focus on yourself and your life. If she comes back at some point you will be a better and stronger person and you will get back together because you want to, not because you have to.

[Costas]

Thank you for your posts. I know you are right. I have done a lot of self evaluation the last months and i realised my mistakes. The reason i drove her away was my lack of strength to deal with my problems at my work (didn't want to cause damage to my employer by leaving) and to deal with my father (i was afraid not to hurt him and we were kind of avoiding him).

I got very indecisive when i fell into a depression in the last month before the breakup, and i lost my self-confidence.

 

I believe i am a stronger person now and i know that will not make the same mistakes. I just wanted to get a chance to show her that i have learned things from our breakup. She knows she hurt me and my family and wouldn't make the first move even if she did want to reconcile.

 

I just want to be myself and try to see if there is a chance. Maybe this is a sign that i haven't really moved on but i have improved a great deal since the breakup. I don't need her anymore, it would just be nice to be with her if these issues were indeed the cause of our breakup.

 

Superdave, you have been there for me when i broke up even if you didn't know it! with your inspirational posts. I know that i should have waited for her to reach out but i did so many mistakes in the months after reacting to her seeing somebody else that i made this impossible. I know that now i have finally come to good terms with her although i might be relieving her of her guilt. Please comment, even if it is to tell me off!!

[boston23]

Thank you for your posts. I know you are right. I have done a lot of self evaluation the last months and i realised my mistakes.

I just wanted to get a chance to show her that i have learned things from our breakup..

 

I just want to be myself and try to see if there is a chance. Maybe this is a sign that i haven't really moved on but i have improved a great deal since the breakup. I don't need her anymore, it would just be nice to be with her if these issues were indeed the cause of our breakup.

 

Some of the things that you've said in your posts were exactly the same sentiments that I had when my ex broke up with me. I wanted to blame myself for everything, because if I could change the things that I did wrong, then our relationship would be completely fine and we could get back together and live happily ever after. The thing is, my ex had tons of issues, and at first I wasn't willing to pay any attention to them--or at least I thought I could help him with his issues.

 

You mentioned that you think she has a personality disorder, and that she hung onto you, etc. She obviously needs time to get herself together, to figure out her life and I think that at the very least you are complicating that (and getting back together will not solve those problems...she needs to get to the point in her life that she is ready to fix those things). Give yourself a break from all of this, give her a break...and you will feel a ton better. Go NC and allow yourself to heal.

[SuperDave71]

Well Costas,

 

 

Ever hear of the old phrase "You made your bed, now you must lie in it?"

 

What this means is "you did this to yourself and now you must pay the consequenses."

 

I hate this for you. I really, really do. Did you not learn ANYTHING from this board? Did you assume things would be ok if you could ONLY see or talk to her? Did you assume that calling her and contacting her would be good for you?

 

WHERE on this ENTIRE board does it say "TO GET YORU EX BACK.. comMUNICATE WITH THEM AS MUC AS POSSIBLE."

 

I hate this for you. I know what you did was out of "love" or something but WAS IT? Why did you PUSH SOOOO HARD?

 

Why did you keep on and keep on and keep on...? You went against EVERYTHING we discuss in this forum. I am NOT trying to kick you when you are down...NOT BY ANY MEANS....but you had to know after reading advice on this board that what you were doing was wrong.

 

Wha excuse do you have? What was your motivation? Waas it love, loss of love, pride or what? I am in awe here...my mouth is hanging open wondering if you read this advice here.

 

I want you to realize ...she is gone. She is NOT coming back...if she does....not for long.

 

This my hurt friend is a lesson. You must learn from this. If you dont learn from this I can almost gurarantee it will happen again.

 

Please take care of yourself and learn from your mistakes!!!

 

 

Please read theses forums again and again....it will help you in the long run.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck in life and love,

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Costas]

I know Dave. I am just in a weak spot right now and all because of the contact i made. I know that i am not thinking clearly. maybe my mind will clear by next week! I had a VERY rough time since the breakup. It really changed my life. It showed me who my real friends are (it shocked me to realise i had none) and although i know a lot of people none of them helped me in my time of need. Ofcourse i am also to blame as i had devoted most of my free time to her when we were together and drifted apart from my single friends. And when i was single most married couples that we used to hang out with avoided me as if i had to have a partner to be accepted to them! Also my job is very demanding and stressful and the fact that i couldn't work properly in the first few months made it all more difficult.

 

I followed the advice on these forums. No contact, I started working out, started new hobbies (karate and dancing!) and at one point i was feeling much better. My work was getting better, i found a new girl and i thought everything was fine. Usually it was when i thought i got over her and relaxed my attitude towards her that i was making the bigger mistakes. I practiced no contact many times and when i thought that i healed i would hurt myself again by contacting her. Maybe i am a masochist!

 

What triggered me to start thinking about her again this month were some bad comments she made to a friend of mine who saw her at her workplace (despite me telling him to avoid going there). I started thinking that i had to change her view of me. i don't know if this is love or pride. I know that i still love her very much to be able to forgive what she did. I know, i know i have to focus on me! I think i shouldn't be afraid to admit that i am still not over her and i have to go to strict no contact indefinitely or she will continue to affect my life.

 

These months were an emotional rollercoaster for me. I appreciate your comments Dave. Your words my friend are very true. Sometimes though we don't listen to logic (yours or mine)! You have been a treasure for many people here. I was just a lost cause! I had to see to believe (many times!)