How do I take her off the pedestal that I put her on?

[spikespiegel]

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now. On one hand, I feel as though I am healing very well. It's been nearly 2 months since she broke up with me, and although I was a wreck for a long time, no contact for a few weeks did wonders, as did one of her friends divulging some unnerving information to me... I have finally been able to step outside of myself and see our relationship, and my ex-girlfriend, for what it was and who she was, and also who she had become at the end of our time together. I realize that I am in no way fully healed yet, but I am finally feeling better, and that's a big first step for me.

 

On the other hand, I still think about her almost constantly. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, reminds me of her. I think about her while I'm listening to the radio in my car, when I'm laying in bed at night, while I'm studying, while I'm at work, I just can't get her off of my mind! I've had several dreams about her, mostly about getting back together. Mostly they are just fond memories, reflecting on all the great times we had together, but occasionally I do think of reconciliation, which amazes me, because she hurt me so badly.

 

I've been out a few times with this one girl, and talked to several others when I'm out with friends on the weekends and whatnot. The thing is though, I've put my ex up on this pedestal in my mind, and I keep finding myself comparing EVERY girl I look at with her, which is so frustrating! I think it's probably because for over a year, she was the ONLY girl I had eyes for, and I really thought she was it for me. It probably doesn't help that my ex and I went just about everywhere in our city together, so no matter where I go, I feel like the ghost of our relationship is lingering there.

 

How do I get her down off this pedestal in my mind? I keep trying to think of the negative things about her, and our relationship. I've even found out some things about what she's been up to since she broke up with me that absolutely disgust me, but I STILL keep thinking of her fondly. What can I do??? ](*,)

[HellFrost666]

How long were you two together. If you were with her for a long time then it may just be habitual.

 

In time you won't think about her as much. Soon that pedestal will disappear.

[Scout]

Do you want to take her off her pedestal, or do you want to hate her? Because the road you're going down right now could end you up with the latter. What purpose would that serve? You wouldn't be over her. You'd still be obsessing. Just instead about how much you despise her.

[spikespiegel]

Hellfrost, we were together for a year and a few months.

 

Scout, I don't want to hate her, but I don't want to hurt like I did for the first month either... I don't know what to do.

[Scout]

I understand, I really do. The hurting, well, hurts. Unfortunately, there's no magic formula that can rush us through the stages of grief when dealing with a break up.

 

I read once that if we can pinpoint what we did wrong in a relationship and take responsibility for that, it helps a lot. Especially in terms of not making the same mistakes in future relationships. We can certainly identify our ex's shortcomings if possible, too, so that we can avoid people in the future who have those same issues.

 

But other than that, it's best to just take responsibility for what we can, which is our contribution.

 

It also helps to objectively view things as much as possible, instead of trying to assign all the blame on one side, or vice versa.

[craigm]

Man... me and my girl were together for 16 months. I feel the exact same way... everything reminds me of her... no matter what I do. I find theese forums really help though... theres some nice people out there. Just hang in there is all I can say. Im trying here too, don't give up.

[spikespiegel]

I've been trying to do that, very actively actually. I realize that I hold some of the blame for our breakup, and that she does as well. I've actually been reading a couple of books about relationships and communication, trying to discover why I acted the way that I acted in certain situations. Just like you said, I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. Reading helped me a lot, especially with identifying certain behaviors in both myself and my ex. I'm sure that time is going to be the key factor here.

[Scout]

I've been trying to do that, very actively actually. I realize that I hold some of the blame for our breakup, and that she does as well. I've actually been reading a couple of books about relationships and communication, trying to discover why I acted the way that I acted in certain situations. Just like you said, I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. Reading helped me a lot, especially with identifying certain behaviors in both myself and my ex. I'm sure that time is going to be the key factor here.

 

Well...that is wonderful you are doing that! And you should be proud of yourself. At the end of the day, our life is our choices. We cannot hold someone else responsible for our total, complete happiness.

 

I am very impressed you are taking this tactic. Unfortunately, too many people decide to become hopelessly hung up and bitter towards their ex, and as a result, towards the entire opposite sex and the idea of relationships.

 

Whatever you do, don't go down that road. Let yourself feel the pain. Let yourself experience the grief. But at a certain point, ya gotta rejoin the land of the living, friend. There's a whole world and new, uncharted territory that awaits you.

[Dako]

In time, you may remember some awkward or frustrating traits of your ex, no matter how fine she is. Right now, those negative traits aren't a part of the loss you're feeling. Much as when we grieve a loss through death, we gloss over the person's shortcomings.

 

It takes time to work through these emotions and gain objectivity.

Hang in there and look for the next phase. It'll happen.

[Scout]

Dako hit the nail on the head. And like he says, it will take some time.

[NorCaSpinna]

I know what you mean, Spike.

 

All of a sudden, my ex seems like this unattainable figure emitting a soft glow and a voice so sweet when in reality, I ended the relationship because I couldn't stand her attitude and psychotic bursts. I think it's a testament to the saying "absense makes the heart grow fonder"

 

Right there with ya' man.

[spikespiegel]

Thanks all. It really helps to hear that others have been through, and are going through, what I am as well. We're all in this together!

 

How about this: Right as I posted this thread, I got a text from my ex, that said "aw, 311 is on the radio". One of their songs was "our" song for our entire relationship. I was flabbergasted. 2 minutes later, she sent another text, saying" sorry, that was inappropriate".

 

I didn't even text her back, I don't have any idea what to say.

 

I tried to start a new thread, but it won't let me...

[Scout]

Unfortunately, with the advent of texting and email, people have a whole new way to passively-aggressively communicate these days. It sucks! Because one is inevitably left scratching their head, "HUH??"

 

This is why I do not have texting as part of my cell phone service.

[spikespiegel]

I know. I hate communication through e-mail and text, it is so easy to misconstrue the meaning of something.

[Scout]

Was she good at communication when you two were together? Generally speaking? I mean, was she honest with her feelings, direct in her statements? Or was she kind of wishy-washy and non-confrontational, or passive-aggressive...

[spikespiegel]

Generally, in our relationship, she was very direct. She said what was on her mind, and definitely wasn't wishy-washy about much of anything...

[Me and myself]

Dear friend spikespiegel

 

You are not alone on this! My gf broke up with me before Xmas and I started a no contact. In the meanwhile we went out only once for a coffee and, apart from a smal MSN talk las 14 Jan., I didn't talked to her again.

I never texted, blocked her contact, etc.

Our relationship was very short, one month only, but I like her so much that I simply can't feel any bitterness about somethings she had done. I keep rationalizing and sying that she have done it 'cause she's like that and not even noticed what she was doing.

She's the first person I think of whe I get up in the morning, and the last when I go to sleep. I've been reading a lot of articles about relatioships, mainly at work (I haven't produced nothing at work for 3 weeks), I'm considering to start my sports again, will start tomorrow reading a few books about relationships, next weekend I will start to play in a band (I was a drummer for more than 15 years when I got married, with children, and all of that went away) , a lot of things to do.

One thing that helped me alot after the break up was to analyse what went wrong in my relationship. I believe it was important to do it focused only in me and in what I've done without thinking about what she have done. It seems that was the key to feel better. During many years my reaction was to blame my gf's for the break-ups but, in this relationship, I'm really greatfull to me ex 'cause she made me think about me only. And not throwing the guilt over someone else felt really good.

Stay with us a bit more, even when your pain disappear.