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I've been trying meditation recently- I've been researching alot about Buddhism too- and i've encountered a great deal about loving kindness- In order to be happy, in order to free yourself from the things that get you down and horrible days you have when everyone gets you down, you should cultivate loving kindness to the world.


It really works- I feel a lot less aggravated by the world than I often do......


But the more I tried to cultivate it- the more I encountered a deep self loathing. I am SO down on myself!!! And the more I look at it the more it explains a great deal of why I suck at a lot of stuff.


- I hate myself in relationships and I feel toxic sometimes, so much so that I push people away rather than cause a mess by being close to them.

- I am so defensive!! I raise my guard at the slightest indication of animosity- because I'm so sure I'm a bad person

- I hate Head Office staff in my company because I'm sure they going to find me out and fire me any second

- I see people hating me and finding me disgusting all the time but the thing is- I'm putting that perception on them- It's ME who hates ME!!

- I do aggressive and foolish things like drunkenly flirt with women because it's only when I'm drunk that I can no longer hold back desires which I hold inside. I WANT SO MUCH!!! But I don't want anyone to see because I'm afraid I don't deserve it.


All this is something I've thought before and I know I guess....... it's easy to forget because how long can you hate yourself? Pretty quickly you have to at least make a show of liking yourself just to get on.


But still I'm back here- feeling a great deal of loathing again. Now I'm looking for jobs and every time I go for a interview I have to face competition and risk of failure, something I go out of my way to avoid. Because I hate myself.


I really really do. I can't believe that I do, and I can't quite tie that up with how great I think I am............... Sometimes I think I'm so damn cool... how can I think both at the same time?


How do you begin to love yourself? I guess I've tried new hobbies and new jobs and new activities but it always seems to undermine everything I do.

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"In order to be happy, in order to free yourself from the things that get you down and horrible days you have when everyone gets you down, you should cultivate loving kindness to the world."


True Buddhism isn't about being happy, it's about being liberated from the compulsion to react in any particular way to the events of one's life. Buddhism doesn't bring happiness; at least, it's not supposed to. It's supposed to bring the serenity of liberation from concern with the events of life. You won't be happy, you won't be sad; you won't "be" anything, because Buddhism does not recognize the existence of the soul. You get Nirvana, as opposed to Heaven.


However, setting that aside for the moment, I would suggest that you consider whether or not the most respectful and loving thing you can do for other people is to be honest about yourself and how you feel. Rather than making a show of anything, why not consider who you are, how you really feel, and react based on that? Granted, you should choose to express those emotions that are constructive rather than destructive, but realize that what is best for the other person isn't always "nice." It's easy to be "nice," while watching someone do themselves harm.


In your meditation, try to focus on the present moment, and in that moment, find yourself. Go from there.

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it sound like you have some self esteem issues. I had these about a month ago until someone on this site gave me advice that changed my life. i wont post it all because it was long but ill give you parts of it that may help.




Finally i think you dont take enough risks in life e.g your too scared to flrit with women when your sober, or you shut people out emotionally. Life revolves around risk. Its a risk to make a winning play in sports, Look at any relationship; one of the two had to put themselves out there and hope the other person liked them back, its a risk making friends with someone because at first you dont know wat type of person they are. But these are all risks people make and yes they may not always come off but it doesnt and shouldnt stop people from trying. You have to have a little more faith in people and Karma.

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happytown - first off I would meditate on yourself, would you want to be your friend? would you want to date you? would you want to hire you?


Ok - if you can say yes, I would like to be my friend, Im a damn good friend then think about that and it may be bring some release of this negativity. if you say, no, I wouldn't want to be my friend, I'm X X X and I wouldn't want to be friends who was like that.... well then at least you have a concrete place to start from to start working to become the person you want to be.


Fpr me the easiest way to get over negative thoughts/emotions is to be upfront and open about them, the truth is, nobody is perfect and people will respect your honesty and openess; for me freely saying what I felt, whether good or bad has allowed me to release alot of negative energy.


I remember a girl who was a bit younger than me, had as much education, even looked similair, yet she was making twice what I was and had just bought a brand new Mercedes. Now mind you I'm not typically a very materiallistic person, but I couldn't help it, seeing this woman who had taken the same "stuff" I did and was able to make more and have very nice things made me jealous, instead of keeping that inside me like a dark secret I said it, I told her, "your car is really nice... I'm a bit green with envy" and well ya know what, as screwed up as it is, thats why she really got the car, she wanted people to be jealous of her, envy her, so by telling her this, I fed her desires and released my demon, at the end of it, I had lost some respect for her and she had gained some respect for me and I had gained respect for me, but if I had just kept that piece of envy in me and not released it, it would've shown but it would've come off to her as being catty and I would be annoyed and still envious.


I think being as open and accepting as you can of life and reflecting that by being open to other people and assume they will accept you, if they don't then that's their problem and you can still go on feeling happy as pie is a really good way to find happiness.


I've put alot of thought into this, in school when asked "what do you want to be when you grow up" I always answered "happy" which got some funny looks sometimes.. but the way I see people set these expectations that if I am X or once I have X I will be happy... they then set upon reaching that goal and then don't understand why they aren't happy once they reach it... where as I chose to focus on being happy (not to say that there aren't challenges and hard times) but with a goal of being happy there are alot of options and it alllows for flexibility in your life. For some people this may not work... but thankfully I have a very strong work ethic and am not happy if I am not busy. Thankfully I have found many great career and social opportunities to fulfill my desire for happiness.


Have you read any of the Dahli Lama's books? 'The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living' is a fabulous book and has helped me find more happiness in my life.


Good Luck!

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