Boughtandpaidfor Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I've been trying meditation recently- I've been researching alot about Buddhism too- and i've encountered a great deal about loving kindness- In order to be happy, in order to free yourself from the things that get you down and horrible days you have when everyone gets you down, you should cultivate loving kindness to the world. It really works- I feel a lot less aggravated by the world than I often do...... But the more I tried to cultivate it- the more I encountered a deep self loathing. I am SO down on myself!!! And the more I look at it the more it explains a great deal of why I suck at a lot of stuff. - I hate myself in relationships and I feel toxic sometimes, so much so that I push people away rather than cause a mess by being close to them. - I am so defensive!! I raise my guard at the slightest indication of animosity- because I'm so sure I'm a bad person - I hate Head Office staff in my company because I'm sure they going to find me out and fire me any second - I see people hating me and finding me disgusting all the time but the thing is- I'm putting that perception on them- It's ME who hates ME!! - I do aggressive and foolish things like drunkenly flirt with women because it's only when I'm drunk that I can no longer hold back desires which I hold inside. I WANT SO MUCH!!! But I don't want anyone to see because I'm afraid I don't deserve it. All this is something I've thought before and I know I guess....... it's easy to forget because how long can you hate yourself? Pretty quickly you have to at least make a show of liking yourself just to get on. But still I'm back here- feeling a great deal of loathing again. Now I'm looking for jobs and every time I go for a interview I have to face competition and risk of failure, something I go out of my way to avoid. Because I hate myself. I really really do. I can't believe that I do, and I can't quite tie that up with how great I think I am............... Sometimes I think I'm so damn cool... how can I think both at the same time? How do you begin to love yourself? I guess I've tried new hobbies and new jobs and new activities but it always seems to undermine everything I do. Quote Link to comment
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