Why would he say yes if he doesn't want to????????

[Cindersam]

It's been almost 3 moths since my ex and I split up. After a week I sent him a letter saying I didn't see it coming and I wish he would have talked to me about what he was feeling before it got to the point of breaking up. I also said I would really like to talk things over with him to try and understand what happened. He did not respond to the letter so I went NC for 2 months.

 

This time helped me heal and to put things into persepctive. However, I still felt I wanted to talk to him since we never really did discuss what happened. Part of me want to reconcile and part of me just wanted closure.

 

After 2 months I called him and asked him if we could talk. He said o.k. but he had his kids for Christmas break so we agreed to get together some time after the break was over. He said he would call me. He never did.

 

So three weeks later I called him again and asked if we could get together some time next week to talk. He said "sure!" I asked him when and he said he didn't have his work schedule and could he call me back. I said o.k. That was 4 days ago and I still haven't heard from him.

 

He was friendly on the phone and seemed fine with getting together to talk so I don't understand why I am getting the brush off. I just don't get it. Our break up was not a bad one (I was pretty much in shock so I didn't way much of anything). So I can't understand why he won't talk to me. Twice he has said he would talk to me and he would call but he doesn't. I don't understand why he agrees to talk to me if he doesn't want to. I didn't have to talk him into it either time so I really don't understand why he is acting this way. It is way out of character for him.

 

We were together for 6 years and I just don't see why it has to end on a bad note. We loved and cared aout eachother for 6 years so for him to keep brushing me off like this is very difficult to understand.

 

The odd thing is I wasn't angry when he broke up with me. I was upset and sad and confused but not angry. Now I'm getting angry. I don't want to feel this way. THat's not how I want to remember him.

[DN]

The reason that people don't like to give reasons as to why they ended a relationships is often that they feel the ex will argue with them in an attempt to get them back.

 

e.g. "You were too clingy"

 

"OK - well, I won't be clingy any longer"

 

But they have already made the decision and don't want to have to go through that process of trying to justify their feelings. Very often they can't express themselves in words that properly describe how they feel. It is hard enough to describe adequately how you feel when you are in love - doubly or triply so when you fall out of love. It is hard to explain intangible things.

[Cindersam]

I understand that but what I don't understand is why he keeps agreeing to talk to me if he really doesn't want to.

[annie24]

I agree with DN. I think he is hoping you just give up. I truly believe that you have to get closure within yourself. It sounds like he has his mind made up. For me, at least, all I need to know is that the guy doesn't want me anymore. I really don't want to hear every last little reason why he fell out of love with me. OUCH!!!! I barely like to read evaluations by professors and bosses, much less from an ex-boyfriend. DOUBLE OUCH!!!

 

I don't think that having this final "talk" will give you closure. I think either you will wind up debating him, or you will just feel like crap afterwards. It's over, let it go. you two just weren't right for each other. he clearly doesn't want to meet, so if you push him, he'll wind up saying something, ANYTHING, in hopes of just finally satisfying you so you'll leave him alone. chances are that he won't even tell you the truth.

[Cindersam]

I don't really want to hear all of the reasons why he broke up with me. I feel there are some things I want to say to him, not necessarily what he will say to me.

 

I realized some things during the NC time that I feel I may be responsible for that I didn't realize before. No I do not expect it to bring him back I just really feel a need to say these things to him.

 

Maybe it's because he broke up with me over the phone I feel I need to do it in person. I know it won't be easy but I sitll want to do it.

[annie24]

it's the oldest trick in the book..... but write everything down on a piece of paper, everything you want to say to him...... and throw the letter away or burn it.

 

Maybe he really doesn't want to hear what you want to say to him?

 

EDIT: oh, I see that you posted under "getting back together." do you want him back? it kind of sounds like the decision is final in his mind, if he is dodging seeing you again. I think if you want him back, your best shot is to move forward, start dating others, and he might realize what he is missing out on, with some space and time. I recommend NC. I'm not sure what it is you want to say to him that you think will bring him back. Did you want to apologize for something bad you did to him while dating?

[Cindersam]

I didn't do anything "bad" to him but I do think I was the cause of him losing his feelings for me.

 

I was going through a difficult time with my son a little over a year ago and I shut my ex out. I decided to move and did not discuss it with him. I can see now that that may have caused him to question my feelings for him and the extent of a future with him.

 

After we broke up I remembered that last Thanksgiving he made a commment to his neice that I had been showing him in many ways that I had been losing interest in him. I said that wasn't true and just sort of brushed it off. I completely forgot he had said it until a year later. Now I realize I should have talked to him about it then but with what I was going through I didn't. THere were a lot of things I should have discussed with him but I didn't.

 

We had been very good at communicating up until this point so I can see why he might have thought I was losing feelings for him but it wasn't true. I think maybe in trying to protect himself from getting hurt he put up walls and ended up pushing me away and losing feelings for me. I didn't see any of this until after we broke up. I think I just felt so secure in our relationship that I took him for granted during this time. It was almost a year later that we broke up but he seemed just as confused as I was as to why his feelings had changed.

 

I know it is probably way past the point of being able to reconcile but I still feel a need to apologize to him and explain some things to him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like he is a bit of a coward... say anything to get you off the phone or to leave him alone, but when it comes to the hard part, talking about this and giving you closure, he is nowhere to be found...

 

please recognize you have tried several times, and he is just not following thru... probably wants to be done with this, and not willing to be nice enough to give you closure... you should be angry, because after 6 years he should at least talk to you about this...

 

but continuing to try to get water from a dry well will just frustrate you... take your anger and recognize that you DID deserve better than this, and a guy who won't even resolve a breakup after 6 years is NOT worth pursuing, even for resolution.

[Cindersam]

DO you think that maybe if I E-Mailed him instead of calling him he would feel less put on the spot and possibly repsond? I could suggest a couple of day/times that would work for me and see what he says. If he really doesn't want to talk to me then maybe it would be easier for him to tell me through E-Mail than over the phone. Both times I talked to him he seemed very willikng to get together with me to talk so that I why I am so confused. If he really doesn't want to then maybe he can tell me that in an E-Mail and if that is the case I will leave him alone. Any thoughts??? Thanks!!!!!!

[Cindersam]

THanks to all of you who responded. I think I know in my head that you are right but in my heart it's a different thing.

[evening_light]

After a week I sent him a letter. no response

 

 

He said he would call me. He never did.

 

 

DO you think that maybe if I E-Mailed him instead of calling him he would feel less put on the spot and possibly repsond?

 

What if he doesn't respond? Now what? You'll be wondering if he got your e-mail, is his computer broken, did he delete it, did I say something wrong...etc ( you get my point)

 

The time he doesn't respond, you'll be a "wreck" ( a little more than you are right now ) Don't add more stress to your life...

 

I say try to forget about him ( I know, I know...) but you have to..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if you need one last attempt at closure, then go ahead and email him, but tell yourself this is the LAST communication, and make sure that you put that into the email... i.e., that you have tried to set up many times to talk and he never follows through, so if he wants to then call you, otherwise you are done and won't be contacting him anymore.

 

then do what you said you would do, go into NC... he does have your number, but the fact that he has not been using it shows he doesn't want to... he is not lost on a deserted island, he knows how to dial the phone and email, etc. etc. it is hard, but he is avoiding you for whatever reason, so give it one last shot if it makes you feel better, but make it your last shot, and don't wait too long for his response before just moving on.

[Cindersam]

Well he finally called tonight. We are geting together next week to talk.

 

He wanted to know what I wanted to talk about and I told him that I had some things I wanted to say to him and that ending a 6 year relationship over the phone n 2 minutes just didn't work for me.

 

He said he doesn't really want to talk about what went wrong and why because as he puts it "nobody did anything wrong which is what makes this that much more difficult." I think he is afriad I am going to blame him which I don't. He said he didn't want to end up angry because he isn't angray now and I told him that I don't want to either.

 

I still want to see if there is a chance for us although I don't think he thinks there is. What is the best way for me to approach this? If all I can get out of this is closure then that is what I need but that is not what I want. What is the best way for me to see if there is any spark left or anything there?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if that is what you want, then when you meet with him, just ask him why he did it, then tell him you want to try again... but be prepared for him saying no, or avoiding the issue... he may also cancel the meeting at the last minute too, so please don't get your hopes to high unless you actually see him and he agrees to a reconciliaition.

 

he really did owe you more than 2 minutes after 6 years, but it sounds like he doesn't want the confrontation and is avoiding. or else there is something he is not telling you, did he meet someone else? he may not want to have to lie to you about that, or he may not want the emotional scene if he tells you the truth...

 

so at this point i think you have to go to the heart of the matter when you talk to him, see what he says as to why he wanted to break it off, tell him you want to try to reconcile, and see what he says...

 

but at least you will get closure, one way or another, and that is always good since it is hard to move on when we haven't had time to talk about and adjust to the breakup.

[Cindersam]

When he broke up with me he told me it was because he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he had other feelings just not the "in love" ones. After 6 years I thought it was normal for love to develop into somethng else and the "in love" feelngs that you have at the beginning change.

 

I also think that when I went through the probelms with my son and I moved, I shut him out, I didn't discuss my decision to move or much of anythign else with him at that point, and I can see now that he may have wondered about what I was feeling for him. He made a comment to his neice that I had shown him in many ways that I was losing interest in him. This was about a year ago. I really feel that he put up emotional walls when he thought I was losing interest in him (which I wasn't) and in doing so by trying to protect himself from gettng hurt by me he slowly lost feelngs for me. Does that make any sense? If so is there any way to get the feelings back or to see if there is a chance of getting them back??????

[Cindersam]

I also realized that I had taken him for granted a lot in the last year. I just felt so secure in our relationship that I felt he would always be there. I guess I was wrong.

 

Should I tell him all these things????