Still looking for the right answers

[flyguy23]

well ive been on here plenty of times. Posted a few threads but havent gotten many responses. i just wish somewhere out there someone would listen to me and tell me everything will be ok and that i will be fine in life.

 

me and my gf broke up couple weeks ago and it still hurts. part of it was due to the fact i broke no contact. we didnt talk for a week but then she started calling me and texting me sayin she still wants to be friends. its so hard to be friends right now.

 

its a weird situation. we went out for 8 months and i thought i knew this person but i guess i didnt. she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me in awhile and the most sweetest most beautiful girl i met. she broke up with me cuz all this time she had feelings for her ex and wants to be with him. she still wants to be my best friend. then she finds another bf and i said what was the sense in breaking up with me. she said i dont care if i break his heart, i dont wanna hurt you. im not gonna use you. but she did

 

i just keep thinking about all the good times we had and it hurts so frieken bad how we used to hangout everyday, go out everynight, how she used to call me baby and i could tell she really liked me! i cant believe her feelings just went away. part of me says just be her friend but part of me hates her sometimes.

 

but i wish i had some answers....i just need some closure. I picture myself seeing her and starting off by telling her it hurts that she broke up with me because i feel like i did something wrong (even though i didnt) but that now i think is there something wrong with me? i wanna ask her how could she just lose feelings for me when i treated her like gold. most of all i wanna ask her how could she do this to herself when she was so strong in life and crazy about me. everytime i think about these things i just break down. part of me says maybe shes doin me a favor that it ended so quick, maybe its a lesson im learning its supposed to help me out in the future, i dont know. i just wish anyone on here would shed some light on this for me. it sux cuz at night i cant sleep. its been so long. i wake up weird hours of the night. theres so many things i wanna say. i mean she was crazy about me!! how could she just lose feelings? doesnt make sense.

 

it hurts she wants to be with this dumb guy who broke her heart. how could she still love him and wanna be with him?? im sad cuz i consider myself a great guy, one who has good values, cares about his family and friends. nice guys finish last i know but im just so sick and tired of meeting a girl, giving her all i got and it blows up in my face. i keep telling myself i know theres someone in this world out there for me, someone who will love me and i will love her but all i can think about now is how much i love this girl, yet her feelings went away and how heartbroken i am. she keeps telling me she knows im the best, im the greatest guy but if she knows that why cant she just be with me. i told her i would take care of her and do anything for her, she knows that but shes just sooo confused too. i dont even know if i would take her back now. will i ever find true true love?

[Boughs]

I think you are looking for that relationship you saw in a movie once and you want it to be glorious/perfect with that epic ending where all works out in the end.

 

I think you need to take advice that is already on this site. NC NC NC.

 

This girl is doing her own thing, she wants friendship, you can't handle it... so don't give the best of you away. Be strong. Let her go... love will come again.

 

"will i ever find true true love?"

 

If you ask me, thats the wrong question you're asking yourself. True true love is too glorified.

 

Just love and be the best you can be.

[Texas Star]

I had a boyfriend for a long time and when we broke up he did the same thing... had someone else, but called and told me he still wanted to be friends. You really need to just break contact. I told him that maybe in the future we could talk, but that right then it was too soon and I wanted him to leave me alone for a while. The good thing was that he was sincere about wanting to be friends and respected my wishes. He left me alone until I was ready to contact him. It's been about 1 1/2 years since we broke up (after an 8 year relationship) and we still don't see each other. The extent of our contact is email... very impersonal, but still lets one another know we're not bitter or angry over anything. BUT it IS impersonal. We've both moved on at this point.

You need to remember that there are many people out there who can compliment us. This girl is not the be-all-end-all of girlfriends. If she used you, if she couldn't get over her ex, if she is making you miserable... you need to move on. I know it's hard, but it IS possible. You just have to work at it. Make the commitment to NC. You'll be better off for it.

[luciand]

Both you and I are in almost in the same boat. Except I was in a 2 1/2 yr relationship, and then she randomly lost her " spark " for me.

 

Yes, it does suck, but I realized real fast, that although I do know it was true love for me, you have to move on. You will feel like crap from time to time, but DON'T think about it. Keep busy, avoid contact, and just do your best to move on. No point in doing silly things or getting yourself all worked up.

 

No use crying over spilled milk.

 

O and the friends things is TOTAL BS. I had the same option, didn't take it.

 

1) She just wants your company and everything she had before without the strings

2) I personally cannot be someone's true friend or even best friend if I truly love them

3) why would you put yourself through the pain of knowing her days with other men

[in_the_mirror]

i know it hurts and it will i won't deny it, but you need to do what is best for you now. it isn't exactly fair of her to want to be your best friend because essentially she is saying she wants you to herself while she moves on and your not allowed to. she might not be meaning to do it, but that is what is happening. you need to tell her that she hurt you incredibly, and that you can't be her friend because you love her too much that you will want more that she can't offer. when yourgone she might realize what she lost, and if not atleast you are healing from the relationship. be honest with her, and then cut off contact. you need both people to be in a relationship and sometimes it is just pointless to wonder what is going through the other persons head, cuz it is really impossible to know, but we all go through it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hey... if you post and don't get a response, please try put in big letters on the post's title, HELP ME NOW PLEASE! there are lots of threads posted, and sometimes it is hard to get to all of them, and see who needs answers the most!

 

i think you said it best yourself... 'I need closure'... it is REALLY hard to stay 'just friends' with someone you totally want, and what they want is only friends... sometimes people are hung up on the WRONG person for themselves, for all kinds of reasons, unresolved childhood issues, trying to prove they were right, etc., so her wanting her ex may have nothing to do with you, how good you were to her, or how good you were together...

 

I have seen people leave their current *great* partner for an ex partner who was a total jerk, just because they were screwed up themselves and didn't understand what it meant to be in a good relationship. so don't blame yourself, you could be the superman of boyfriends, and if she is hung up on him and hasn't resolved that relationship, she might go back to him...

 

you do have a right to closure, and if you have talked out the reasons for your breakup, and she is still insisting on him as a boyfriend rather than you, then she loses the right to keep you as her friend, a security blanket, while your heart is being broken.

 

i think you should tell her that this hurts too much, you want her, and you need some space and distance from her... if she decides she wants you back, she has your number, otherwise, you need to heal yourself and find someone who does love you...

 

if you are ever available now, she can still pursue him, and keep you in the background as the 'friend' who picks up the slack... you deserve better than that... your closure is to recognize she is seeking someone else, and you need to move on and not spend your time babysitting her friendship... you can go back to friends with her, but only when you have a new life for yourself, and it doesn't torture you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

p.s. you will be fine in life!

 

most of us have been totally in love with someone who doesn't work out, in fact, several someone's who don't work out... it is just really hard right after the breakup, when you are re-adjusting your life to being without the person...

 

and usually, when you have recovered, you will wonder, why was i so hung up on that person? it is normal to fall in love, and hard when the other person decides they don't want it, but the human heart has an amazing capacity to love again, and again, and again!

[iceman85]

Fly Guy, I've been where your at. Your not crazy, your not losing your head. It hurts, love is such a powerful gripping thing. When it gets snapped it is gonna be just as powerful and gripping to the downside.

 

Do not talk to her anymore, its only gonna cause grief. Get back to who you are and what you like to do.

 

I know you loved her. Be happy you found love at all, something some people will never get to experience. I know these words are futile at the moment, but some time away from it all will have you thinking more clearly.

 

Me and my ex were in total love, i miss her eyes lighting up and her holding on to me for dear life when she saw me for the first time in awhile. I loved her with everything I had and it took everything I had to get back after she left me.

 

Just carry on, being yourself, take time away from her, NC, enjoy yourself as much as possible.

[flyguy23]

thanks for the advice guys. i just dont get one thing. im trying NC but i dont know why she still calls. last night i purposely turned off my phone. so this morning i woke up and i had 2 new voicemails. she called 11 at night and then 645am. i mean must be somethin if im on her mind in the morning. i just dont get it. i just keep thinkin over and over again how great everything was and for her to just break it off like that. i dont know maybe she values my friendship i just dont know at the moment. i just feel like im not happy in life at the moment. my job is stressing me out at the moment, shes stressin me out, i dont really like the new town we live in. too many changes are happening too quick for me. i think i just need to get away for awhile.

[ColdWinterForest]

First of all, and I hate to sound cliche, but life ain't fair, man. Don't get me wrong, I feel for you completely -- I went through a similar experience and responded with many of the same feelings. You are not going insane, this is just a natural response to the failure of what you considered a stable and solid relationship. Why does she want this other guy? Who knows. Human beings are complex. It is impossible (no matter how hard you try) to truly understand another person and their reasoning. Just think about yourself now and forget about her. She has already made her decision and it is highly unlikely that you can convince her otherwise.

 

The best thing to do is to go into NC. It won't be easy, but you will find people on these boards who are in a similar predicament, which helps a little bit.

[DRB]

Hey Flyguy23, sorry to hear about your situation.

Everything I think on this subject I put in this thread. If your still looking for answers I hope this helps

 

 

[Emily1607307530]

Hey.. Im goin through exactly what u are. My bf broke up with me 2 days ago and started saying can we just be friends. I just cant do that - be friends with someone who u have been soo close with for over a year to watching them lead another life, 2 seconds after u have just split ](*,) . Some ppl can do it, but i cant. takes me probs 4-5 months to talk to that person again. harsh but true in my head .

[Wandering_Sword]

I know I could not speak to my ex again after our breakup. And I don't ever plan to, just way too much emotional attachment there to possibly hold a cordial conversation. What you're going through right now is difficult but the good days will return. You just have to maintain NC and work on healing yourself (i.e. new hobbies, going out with friends, going to the gym). If the ex calls and does not leave a message I would not bother calling back. If she does leave a message but is nothing along the lines of reconciliation then I wouldn't bother with answering that either. Right now, the most important thing is to get yourself out of this funk and that means you have to be selfish (in regards to your ex) and start taking care of yourself.

[flyguy23]

you guys are soooo right but its so hard!!! i love her so much and i dont even think she knows how i feel. i cant sleep at night, i dont eat much....all i do is think about the way she looks, how she made me feel. everytime i see her face i would just go into this trance. i just dont understand it. i think about everything she said to me. how important i am to her, how she called me baby, how i made her feel and vice versa. it sux cuz shes so beautiful. i dont know how i got her but i feel like ill never meet anyone like her again. but i know its not healthy for me. i used to be so happy. everytime i looked in the mirror and i saw me i felt energetic, strong. now i look so weak, tired. i look like im dieing. sometimes i think about what happened and i get so mad...i go wait a minute?? she jus called me up one day and ended it! i should be outraged! other times i feel sad about it mostly. i try to stay busy but it just doesnt help. i go out with friends but it just makes it worse i dont know why. its not like they bring her up or anything but even with friends im thinkin bout her. only for a week couple weeks ago i felt alright. i told her i needed space and we didnt talk for a week. i didnt feel great great but a tiny bit better. when i talk to her i feel like * * * *. aaaah! and it hurts cuz she was so freakin crazy about me and now she tells me she was confused?? im tired of beating myself up but i dont wanna give her up cuz i think she might come back. or the real reason is i dont know im just afraid ill never meet anyone else again. everyone says u will and whatnot but i dont even have the time. i just gotta keep my chin up high

[Emmylu]

flyguy, I read your post. Maybe the best thing is to stop looking for answers? People are irrational. I thought there was a possibility your gf was using you to get over her ex. I may be wrong. In any case, don't feel too bad. The really great girls all have many guys available to them, as you would expect. If you think she's so wonderful, other guys probably think so too. You might win her heart, or another guy might win. I am not sold on this NC thing. I think you should put forth your best effort, which doesn't mean sticking to her like Pepe le Pew. You might want to show her a different side of you. A happier you? Maybe a bit more mysterious? A side of you that she hasn't seen? I dunno, whatever you think works. But if you still can't get the girl, well, that's life, isn't it? Some guys never even got to go out with her like you did. Oh, and this be friends thing. It's just talk. Don't take it literally. Your game plan is to get the girl. You might not succeed, of course. But you know that won't be your first and last defeat in life.

[ColdWinterForest]

I think that is one of the hardest things. We all like to reminisce about what our ex's used to say to us... People who are dumped normally find it unfathomable that they could be dumped, especially when it seemed like the girl "really" cared for you. My ex only showed slight signs that she was dissatisfied with me before she dumped me, and it was still a major shock to me when it happened, even though I should have seen it coming from a mile away. I just couldn't believe that she could live without me. It seemed like she cared so much about me. She was even the one who initiated our entire relationship in the first place, not me. And, like I said before, you cannot understand her reasoning or the deeper psychological reasons for why she dumped you. She did it to get back with her ex boyfriend? Well, then it is most likely that you were just a fallback guy for when she was dumped by him, and now that he is "accepting" her back, she wants to return to him because she probably still has lingering feelings left over for him. The problem is... like you said, this guy has already dumped her once before and there is no guarantee that their relationship is even going to last this time. She is passing up a good opportunity by dumping you and, will most likely, find herself being taken advantage of by her ex later on down the road once again. Keep your chin high... she may have seemed like the world to you, but there are a lot of people out there... Maybe you will find someone who truly cares for you someday; someone who won't use you as a fallback guy for their own emotional problems.