Facebook Question for All

[GuitarmanIII]

Hi All,

 

Have any of you noticed how difficult NC can be to maintain with technology these day?

 

I've recently, due to peer pressure from friends and old acquaintences alike, put myself on Facebook. I find it amazing that people are so open and transparent...for all the world to see...regarding their personal business.

 

Anyhow, a couple of months ago, my X invited me to be friends on her Facebook and Myspace page. Upon viewing it, I almost had a mental breakdown, because of how positively happy she is in her new relationship and so forth. From my prespective it was a chance for her to rub her good fortune in my face...which she later admitted to.

 

How do we maintain sanity, boundaries, distance, etc...with these new foms of instant communication?

 

I realize that we do not have to accept these invitations or look at X's websites but, does anyone else have the same problems as I?

 

Just curious.

 

G

[melrich]

I think you answered it yourself, you have the choice to look or not. But I agree the temptation and ease of access to info today is far greater than at any time previously. I think it is something you just have to try and be disciplined about.

[Underdelusion]

The answer lies in the words "peer pressure".

To quote an old sage: Ignore alien disorder...

(IMHO)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

lots of people have terrible problems with MySpace and Facebook when they have breakups... they get obsessed with spying on their ex using that ability to see what is going on, or they are spyed on by their ex, or they casually drop in to check one day and are devastated to see how far their ex has moved on, when they are still hurting...

 

it really is like kicking a drug habit in terms of having the strength to stop using technology to check up on the ex... it is so easy because one can do it anonymously, but really, one can drink alone and anonyously too, but that doesn mean it is good for you!

 

but electronics do make it hard... i got divorced someone years ago, and was googling to look up an old adress i had lived at but had forgotten but needed for an application asking for prior addresses... and up popped my ex-husband's name in the search (associated with mine at the old address), plus new addresses for him, including his name and his present wife's name, including her maiden name!

 

i had lost touch with him (no kids) and was the one who had broken up with him becuase i suspected he was cheating and the marriage was not fullfilling to me, but didn't have a clue that he'd remarried. but i was TOTALLY shocked to discover his new wife's name, which was the woman i had had a suspicion he had been cheating with when we were married, but no concrete proof because he had denied, denied, denied it, and i never bothered to hire a private detective, just threw in the towel because i no longer respected him for other reasons... but suddenly concrete PROOF because he had married her!

 

and i really don't care about him and had gotten over him years ago, but it still smarted, an unwelcome blast from the past and opening an old wound... i got upset and angry for a day or two, becuase i realized how much he really had lied to me to cover up his relationship with her during the divorce, to make things better/easier for himself because he didn't really want the divorce (but wouldn't own up to his own indiscretions)...

 

but then i had to laugh, because technology had given me the answer (innocently) that i had asked for and needed so many times years ago, but now he is caught, inadvertently, years later when i don't even care anymore!

 

so anyway, you are right, technology can make it very hard to maintain no contact, even if you are not the least interested in contact, or care anymore at all! but definitely best to resist the temptation to use it to spy on an ex, until LONG after the breakup, and you don't care anymore...

 

best of luck, who she is with now doesn't matter to you, though it might smart a bit, you'll get over it...

[laboheme]

Yes. Stupid technology. Like you said, you didn't have to accept her invite...but now that you already have, if you find yourself looking at her page a little too often, what you can do is remove her from your friend list. Facebook won't tell her that you did...and if you're not in the same network/if her privacy settings are high, you won't be able to look at her profile. But if you still can, and you catch yourself searching for her name (I've been so guilty of doing that!), add her to your block list...then her name won't even come up! It's quite handy, really...

[pinkelephant]

heh, yea. it seems that way. luckily, my ex stays away from such sites and i can't find him at all ! (yes, i shamelessly tried)

[hockeyboy]

i certainly feel your pain as have both a facebook and myspace account. i have decided to delete her off of both, even though i dont look at her profiles. for some reason, i have not wanted to..however i do see her "updates" on facebook and her bulletins on myspace...so i think it would be best to just delete her.

 

by deleting her she will know im not over her and she may feel a sense of empowerment. but quite honestly, at some point you just need to stop caring what they think.

[valenski]

I think the problem is that people like to hope and its not a bad thing. We also like company, I mean I used to wonder if my Ex felt as crappy as I did when we broke up. But this usually leads us to seek out answers and most times those answers hurt but I also think there is an up side, why? Because what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and after you see your Ex has moved on the thing to do is move on too.

[RayKay]

Yeah, I would avoid it if you can if you still feel that way.

 

I have never had an issue with either of those; I am not much of a Myspace/Facebook person (our faculty has a facebook group, and to be honest I am appalled at some of the stuff people put up there when other classmates whom can be their future coworkers, bosses, and professors etc can all have access to some of that stuff.....). I think it tends to also cause conflicts, more so when people don't think it through when the post stuff. That being said, used wisely I think they can be useful for finding old friends, promoting bands, etc.

 

Whether there is technology or not, it will be difficult to move on; but it is always a good idea to limit knowing everything going on in their life as much as possible whether they have a Myspace page or not, if it is still causing you pain.

[cordelia]

I agree that can make it really difficult knowing that your ex's profile is right there for you to see.

I see mine on the online dating site that I'm on all the time. And I've seen him going on my page too a few times now!

But I recently found out things about my ex (by reading his posts) that made me so disgusted and turned off by him that I am not even tempted to look at anything or even speak to him anymore for that matter. So in a way it was a blessing in disguise!

Give yourself more time so that the next time you go on Facebook, you won't even care anymore. Good luck!

[rsxguy520]

i'd just ignore the invite or whatever. won't really do you any good.

[ManOfPlans]

I wrote a little guide on why social networking sites are so bad. Doesn't mean you'll be able to resist the temptation though

[GuitarmanIII]

My goodness, thanks for the insight everyone. As always, technologies can have their advantages and disadvantages.

 

Look at it this way...a medium such as this (Enotalone) never would have occurred without the world wide web. I don't think I'd have ever written to Ann Landers (as much as I respected her work).

 

G

[GuitarmanIII]

ManOfPlans, I just read your post link. I think you've said it all there...

 

G

[apparentlynotalone]

As a university student EVERYONE around me has Facebook except me. I don't know. I've never been one to be involved with those online journals/showcase of yourself. It's cool that other people are, but for some reason I've never been up to it. I've always asked myself, Why is it so important that I need to show off myself? It's a great way to meet new people but it doesn't feel natural for me... I think that's just me. It's just scary to feel that anyone can look at my profile and know stuff about me...

[kekep]

I couldn't handle being on facebook at all anymore; I didn't bother blocking only him, I just got off of the thing entirely. There were too many pictures of us and mutual friends for me to remain on that network.

 

I'm sure that one day I won't care anymore, but all I know is when I do hear things about my ex at this point, it still bothers me a lot, so I would recommend at the very least blocking his page if you wish to remain on there.