how to tell...

[wintersolstice]

How can you tell if a guy just wants sex or if he is interested in getting to know you? I know this seems like an obvious question, but I'm just wondering what you guys suggest one looks for because in the beginning stages it is hard to classify attraction...

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think that it's not an either/or proposition, though. That someone may be interested in getting to knowing you AND wanting sex. But I do see what you mean as well!

 

I don't know, I think it's actually quite a hard one to tell with some people. I think TIME is the biggest factor - if someone is happy to date you for a while (weeks/months?) without sex, then it's you they want to get to know. If someone pressures you to have sex early on, then I guess you've got your answer.

 

I think it's hard to tell - I went out with someone who I thought was typically just after sex, but I liked him. It turned out that he was someone who was prepared to wait until I was ready which took a looooooooooooooong time!! And then on the other hand I've known someone who I thought was a really sweet guy and into me and wanted to get to know me, like you said, and then the moment I slept with him, he vanished like the wind! That's only happened to me once though.

 

So I think it's hard to make generalisations about people's motives and behaviour, because it *always* catches me off guard. I suppose the thing is you have to be responsible for your decision to sleep with someone, and my personal advice is to to take it slow until you feel comfortable that they are who they say they are.

 

Sorry not to be more specific about this - good luck! Is there someone specific that you are referring to? Maybe give us some more information and we can have a bash!!!

[shy2cool]

On a related note, how do you make girls know that you don't want anything more than a friendship? Without stating the obvious!!!

[DizzyDoris]

On a related note, how do you make girls know that you don't want anything more than a friendship? Without stating the obvious!!!

 

Call them mate all the time lol that ought to get the message accross and

talk about other girls you fancy!

[CaptainPlanet]

You cannnot tell. It is impossible.

[LovelyPetal]

Date him properly without sex for a while. If he sticks around then he probably wants to get to know you as a person and sex now becomes a reward for both your patience and commitment.

 

Of course this doesn't work in all situations. I know of people who slept together on the first day and are still together after 15 years and people who date a bit and as soon as they get together , they split up.

 

Matters of the heart are quite complex.

[Beec]

Women usually do not want guys who they can roll over, from whom they can get everything and anything they want. Instead, they want someone who can stand up to them and tell them "No," while at the same time caring for them. Sounds like what a parent does a lot and also what a father is especially required to do. So, you will see women ask for lots of things that are pushing a guy too far, and some use a lot of passive aggressive moves to get a guy to do things. Guys that stand their ground, that don't roll over are the ones they want, the smae guys that seem to be able to say "no" to a whiny child. So, women test guys, and often giving a woman what she asks for is failing the test.

 

Men are the same way, but we test differently. Evolution has built into the heads of many men a sex test. Have sex too early with us, even if we are wanting it and asking for it, and you fail the test. The thinking is probably that a woman who cannot control her urges to have sex for a while is a woman who may not control those urges when we are mated and someone else hits on her. Men want their mates to have their children, and we can only know this if we trust our wives to be exclusive.

 

The key with a guy is that he should be investing in the relationship. There is a good anaolgy called freeloaders, renters and buyers, and it all relates to places you can live. If someone lets you stay in a place for a few nights, and doesn't charge you for it, then you are freeloading. You won't change the place too much when freeloading, you get in and out without doing anythign to improve it, you do not invest in it. When you rent an apartment, you begin to invest things in it, as simple as putting up your pictures and decorations, bringing in furniture that fits, etc. Some time and effort is put it to make it better for you. When you buy, the house is yours, you maintain it, improve it, work on it etc., to maximize it's worth to you.

 

The analogy is something you should think about, and you should also realize that sex should not occur unutil he is investing in the relationship. If you invest in soemthing, you don't wan tto just use it and walk out, most of the time.

[CaptainPlanet]

A wordo of advice - holding out on sex could easily lead to a man losing interest in you quickly. The tests beec speak of, depend on the individual, if he is really into you at the start and you have sex with him on the first date. He will probably be more interested in you after.

 

I know, I am a man and it had happened to me.

[BellaDonna]

How can you tell if a guy just wants sex or if he is interested in getting to know you? I know this seems like an obvious question, but I'm just wondering what you guys suggest one looks for because in the beginning stages it is hard to classify attraction...

 

I would say if he keeps bringing up the topic of sex, flirting in a sexual way, or always focusing on complimenting your looks....if he seems eager to have dates where is he alone with you instead of out in a public place. And of course, if he actually puts the moves on you. Another sign: if when you talk with him, he is not looking into your eyes, but elsewhere.

 

BellaDonna

[cpc28655]

You cannnot tell. It is impossible.

 

Exactly. I would recommend asking directly. Of course, he may lie to you, but it's the only place to start that I can think of.

[FCTex]

You can't tell...

 

But as a rule of thumb, it's generally not far down on the list of wanting to poke you.. It just depends on whats up on #1-#3.

[Batya33]

A wordo of advice - holding out on sex could easily lead to a man losing interest in you quickly. The tests beec speak of, depend on the individual, if he is really into you at the start and you have sex with him on the first date. He will probably be more interested in you after.

 

I know, I am a man and it had happened to me.

 

Just because you are a man and it happened to you doesn't make you the expert. I don't "hold out" on sex as a game - I wait because waiting until we have been dating at least a few months and are exclusive and committed is what is consistent with my values. The men who have proposed marriage to me (four) all were content to wait and for one of them - to wait till marriage. A man who loses interest in me simply doesn't care enough about my values to wait until I am comfortable being that intimate, and that is not a man who's going to be around "for better or for worse" that's for sure.

[wintersolstice]

What if you want to have sex with them? What if you want to have sex with them and to date them? What if you don't want to hold out on sex just to find out how much they like you?

 

I guess logically if you really wanted to date someone (you saw them as something special) as a girl you would be able to hold out on sex just to see where it was going, like: I like him alot but I'm not going to sleep with him because I don't want to mess up his opinion of me and I don't want to feel used by someone I like. I think if you're smart this just happens instinctually.

 

But my question was more with initially meeting someone (or them asking you out): I'm talking about flirting (mostly)... like if someone asks you out how can you tell if they really and truly like you or if they would really and truly like to ____ you.

[Batya33]

Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes not, that is why you go on a few dates and those who just want sex will make it fairly obvious.