Am I an online-skank?

[annie24]

No, I don't think you are easy. In fact, I think exchanging phone numbers early on is for the best. I think it is more ridiculous to be having an online 'relationship' for months and months and not having met. I agree, meet in person as soon as possible.

 

That said, I don't think these guys were that interested in you, so you giving out your number or not wouldn't have made any difference.

 

May I ask, did you contact them first or did they contact you?

 

I've found in my experiences, that the men who are interested in meeting me ask me out and ask for my phone number in the first 3-6 e-mails if they live in town, and 5-10 if they are from out of town.

 

if you are the one who volunteered your number and they didn't ask for it and haven't called you, it sounds like they were never so interested in the first place.

 

good luck

[annie24]

I won't consider anyone in these sites (match especially) unless I recognize certain code words like "just looking for the one - I know you are out there" or "no players please" or "wants children". It is these kind of people that have the character sufficient for a good relationship - and the follow-through to get into and stay in one.

 

So I suggest also to write your profile to freak-out the flakes and earn the respect of the respectful.

 

LOL. If anything I think that those are red flags!!! (Except for the children part). Someone who is "just looking for the one" sounds needy and desperate. "No players" sounds like they have some serious emotional baggage from their last few exes. If a player sees your profile, they will respond whether or not that line is in there.

 

As an aside - I read recently that in online dating the woman making the first move leads to successful dating matches more often than the exchanges first initiated by men. In other words, women have a better knack at reading about and finding their guy, online, than us guys do about finding the right woman for us, online. Knowing this I am just stepping back and waiting for the women who are interested enough in me to find and make an initial nudge in my direction. You may consider looking for the guys you tend to like - and pay less attention to the ones contacting you.

 

I disagree. THe relationships I've had have all been when the guy contacted me, and anytime I contacted a guy it wound up disasterous. I think it is because men are more visual, and first and foremost, he must like the way a woman looks. If he didn't write you, it's because he saw your photo and wasn't that interested. IMHO.

[annie24]

When you appear overly anxious or quick to make yourself available, it appears desperate. Be more of a challenge and make the man work to get it some.

 

That which is freely given is not valued as high as something that requires more effort.

 

 

I agree 100%!!!!! I learned this lesson through experience.....

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

i think you've hit the nail on the head.

 

giving these men your phone number after only a few emails will undoubtedly make them wonder about how many OTHER guys you've given your phone number out to. then, of course, they'll think they're not special . . . they might wonder about how many guys you might be currently meeting up with from the internet, and so on.

[cantexplain]

LOL. If anything I think that those are red flags!!! (Except for the children part). Someone who is "just looking for the one" sounds needy and desperate. "No players" sounds like they have some serious emotional baggage from their last few exes. If a player sees your profile, they will respond whether or not that line is in there.

 

Cool, I needed to hear that - all the more evidence that I don't know what to look for. :splat: What do you think I should watch for besides the children thing? Any other red flags?

 

Also what about the quality women who already have kids, really don't want them, or know they can't have kids? As for me I've decided that if I loved someone then if they couldn't have kids am I suppose to leave them? Not at my stage in life, hopefully not at any stage. So I think the children thing is a great cue pointing toward quality, but possibly eliminating a lot of other honest people that would be good for me, too. If someone wanted kids, I can do that. If they didn't, and I loved them, I can do that, too.

 

I disagree. THe relationships I've had have all been when the guy contacted me, and anytime I contacted a guy it wound up disasterous. I think it is because men are more visual, and first and foremost, he must like the way a woman looks. If he didn't write you, it's because he saw your photo and wasn't that interested. IMHO.

 

In this case that sounds right in your experience. I had simply read this result from some type of study examining many people's experiences with online dating.

 

In my case the jury is still out.:sad:

[annie24]

online dating unfortunately, isn't like link removed where you order what you want and get it delivered to your door in a week. you can ask for "no games" or "only respond to me if you are looking for a serious relationship," but you get all sorts of people responding to you anyway. I think that their characters will reveal themselves over time. If they are acting dodgy, their actions don't line up with their words, or they are unreliable, then NEXT!

 

As for the children, if you REALLY want children and it is a dealbreaker for you to be with someone who doesn't want kids, I guess it is good to have it out there. just depends on what you want. Likewise, if someone says, "I don't want to date someone with kids" and you have one, then don't respond to them. I am in the middle, no strong opinion, so I never included that in my profiles.

[Batya33]

i think you've hit the nail on the head.

 

giving these men your phone number after only a few emails will undoubtedly make them wonder about how many OTHER guys you've given your phone number out to. then, of course, they'll think they're not special . . . they might wonder about how many guys you might be currently meeting up with from the internet, and so on.

 

I completely disagree. I was always suspicious of the men who didn't want to talk on the phone asap to see if it made sense to meet in person. I assumed they were talking to many women and that was fine with me - or at the very worst "neutral." Given that I met over 100 men in person and many more than that wanted to meet me (probably two to three times that many), your theory never held true for me.

[Batya33]

I was very wary of responding to someone who said "no players" or "no games" - all that said to me was that they were negative/jaded/had had bad experiences and thought it appropriate to air their dirty laundry on a public site. I didn't want to be subjected to having to "prove" that I don't "play games" whatever that meant to that specific person.

[cantexplain]

haha! but that's why i want to talk to them on the phone first so if they say they're 25 they shouldn't sound like a 60 year old man! ...and you can get an impression about someone with the way they type something, but hearing their tone of voice is a whole different story!

 

 

Way I look at it is that if someone is going to be my romantic choice, and me hers, the goal is for us to create, in time, an emotional bond with one another.

 

Any emotional bond that occurs from a machine (computer, even voice mail) leaves out eye contact, smiles, laughter, belly jiggles, body language, etc. So bonding may occur, but is very incomplete, even misleading.

 

Real bonding must be face-to-face.

 

Clearly you are correct that better information is available over the phone than through e-mail. But some people have phenomenal radio voices and are very skilled on the phone. In my business we call this - "they give good phone."

 

Personally I look back accross my life and consider many, many lost opportunities for romance. So these days I don't want to accidentally eliminate somebody because they are not as skilled on the phone, or insecure initaily because they are the kind of people who shy-up. But if I can get them on the phone this is definitely the right step. I will still meet them.

[cantexplain]

I was very wary of responding to someone who said "no players" or "no games" - all that said to me was that they were negative/jaded/had had bad experiences and thought it appropriate to air their dirty laundry on a public site. I didn't want to be subjected to having to "prove" that I don't "play games" whatever that meant to that specific person.

ya'll are very right - it is pretty naive of me to take the no players line at face value like that or has been pointed out - put me in some kind of position of proving I am not that way. thanks.

[cantexplain]

I completely disagree. I was always suspicious of the men who didn't want to talk on the phone asap to see if it made sense to meet in person.

 

Yes a woman offering me her number and fast would not bother me at all!!

 

My approach of working toward a meeting as soon as both are comfortable certainly does not include not talking on the phone. But I don't press for it, just the meeting. They can choose whether they need the phone step or not.

 

Would this process of mine have survived yours?

[Batya33]

Yes a woman offering me her number and fast would not bother me at all!!

 

My approach of working toward a meeting as soon as both are comfortable certainly does not include not talking on the phone. But I don't press for it, just the meeting. They can choose whether they need the phone step or not.

 

Would this process of mine have survived yours?

 

Sure why not but I certainly made judgments prior to meeting - I judged what he said in his profile, his tone of voice, phone manners, how sharp/witty he seemed, how he spoke of his family and friends, whether he asked questions of me, how he reacted to my questions (usually deliberately casual, about music, travel, books, sports, etc)- and those judgments led me to screen out certain people and want to meet others.

[Aurian]

Well, sometimes you email back and forth a bit and you realize you don't really want to continue... There isn't a mental spark so you just kinda vanish since you haven't even talked or had a date yet. I've done this a few times and the guys have done this to me a few times. I just say it wouldn't have worked out anyway and write them off.

 

As for initiative... I kinda let the guy do the initial email, offering me his number, asking me out, etc. I do kinda encourage him by being open, friendly and fun

 

As for getting messages, I am not getting that many, but I think I am getting quality over quantity because I am specific about who I am and what I am looking for (serious relationship). I get less "spam" than I was expecting to get.

[charley]

I hope that you are not giving out your home phone number? Do you realise that with a phone number a person can find out wher eyou live?

 

When you do plan to meet these people, do so in a public place where you are safe.... also if you are giving out a number, I would hope thats a cell phone.

 

Next time, how about getting THEIR number instead of you giving out yours?

 

Excellent advice. Be safer. They can also find where you live from knowing your name and age, even if they don't know what state. However, with excellent hacker skills, they can determine your location just by pinging your computer, plus other things I don't understand. We are all at risk somewhat when we go to a forum. The thing that protects us is that most people don't have sufficent hacker skills to find us, unless we start giving out names or numbers. That is seriously scary that you give that out so easy. I'm worried for your safety. Cell phone or not, I'd wait longer before giving number out.

[charley]

When you appear overly anxious or quick to make yourself available, it appears desperate. Be more of a challenge and make the man work to get it some.

 

That which is freely given is not valued as high as something that requires more effort.

 

Right or wrongly, the more difficult the woman is to get with, the safer I feel she is. I think about my safety too. Not just from violence, but also VD.

 

I'm not the only guy who thinks that way. I had a roomate years ago who was a ladies man. He told me he wouldn't sleep with a woman he thought to easy because he was afraid he'd catch something from her. If he was afraid to touch her, then he was also afraid to date her. This guy dated and slept with a lot of women, but he like them as virginal (inexperienced, or relatively inexperienced) as possible for safety reasons.

 

I personally like virginal women because I'm attracted to that, not for safety reasons, but the safety issue is a secondary consideration to the positive. I don't require this, but I do appreciate it.

 

Bottom line, if she's to easy, or appears so, I have to wonder how many guys she's been with. Now I am worried.

 

If she's difficult to get with, I assume she's safer. Not only VD safer, but safer in everyway.

 

Fair or reasonable or not, those things go through my mind. I know some other men think of those things to. Heck, I learned it from other men who were older than me and giving me advice when I was in my early 20s. So I didn't invent this line of male thought. It's been around a long time and it has some validity.

[charley]

Here's another possibility. They might be shy and fine with typing, but afraid with talking. I used to be like that. Not anymore, but I was. So I can understand.

 

The first time I talked on phone to a woman I met online who wanted me to call her and she suggested we exchange numbers, I did call her as she suggested, but I was so nervous that I could barely breath. Seriously. I felt like I was having a panic attack.

 

I'm not shy like that anymore though, but I remember what it's like.

 

I spent 5 months practicing approaching local women face to face and saying "hi" and starting conversations. I got good at it and reasonably comfortable. So after that local practice, talking to a woman on the phone wouldn't scare me anymore.

 

However, there are many shy men who can type up a storm online, but might be really super nervous about a telephone conversation with a lady.

 

I guess one question to consider is this: If the phone number exchange is his idea, then he's not shy. However, if the phone number exchange is your idea, then maybe he is shy and the phone call idea scares him.

[charley]

Could it be possible that many of them are internet Junkies and have no kuth or feel capable of carrying on a friendship or relationship in the real world?

 

For alot of people, even tho they are on the internet often, it's only the internet. They don't go beyond the internet. They have no interest in doing so. But they love the attn they get online.

 

Good points. Also, he might be 14 years old or have lied about everything. He said he's 6'2", but he's 5'2". He said he does xyz for a job, but he actually does something much less, or is not employed. The list of possiblilties is endless. Now if you meet him, he can't maintain his fantasy world with you anymore because reality will intrude and you'll see the truth.

 

These might be possiblities for Internet junkies who don't live in the real world. So they're afraid to meet you because they aren't what they told you, or even close.

[musicguy]

maybe you are coming off as too forward, if it was me and you gave me your number. I'd give you a call. I'm a phone person

[cantexplain]

I guess one question to consider is this: If the phone number exchange is his idea, then he's not shy. However, if the phone number exchange is your idea, then maybe he is shy and the phone call idea scares him.

 

Recovering shy guy here:

 

A key to life is to face certain fears. Shy guys should be focusing on these things which scare them. After a bit of practice the fear is gone.

[cantexplain]

So they're afraid to meet you because they aren't what they told you, or even close.

 

That was my first thought, too. They are virtual, not real.

[annie24]

very good point! if a man is hesitant to meet in real life, I think it is possible that he looks nothing like his profile photo (or the photo is 10 years old), or that he is married/taken, or he is only looking for an internet penpal, not a gf.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

I completely disagree. I was always suspicious of the men who didn't want to talk on the phone asap to see if it made sense to meet in person. I assumed they were talking to many women and that was fine with me - or at the very worst "neutral." Given that I met over 100 men in person and many more than that wanted to meet me (probably two to three times that many), your theory never held true for me.

 

Yea, sorry about that. I never really needed to resort to the internet to meet people, so I can't really say all of that from experience.

 

But if it were me who a man gave out his number to so quickly, I'd be thinkin, "If he gave his number to me so fast, god only knows how many other women he's given it to, met up with, slept with, or whatever." But then again, what's the difference between people doing that on the internet, and people doing that in bars?

 

Hmmmmmm.......

[Batya33]

Not sure what you mean by "resort." Where I live, most of the single women and men in my area (one of the largest cities in the world, in a neighborhood populated mostly by young professionals, 20s-40s) are on the internet dating sites as one way to meet people among others - in part because they are busy professionals who otherwise might not have time to socialize as much as is needed to meet other singles. So, if someone meets their husband in a bar is that also "resorting" to going to bars to meet people?

 

I never cared whether a man gave 100 women his phone number because when I was unattached, I sometimes went on 5 or 6 first meets a week or more with men I met through on line dating sites. That typically meant that I had spoken on the phone with two to three times that many people in that week or so.

 

Everyone understands that you have to be open to speaking with a lot of people to find someone you would like to meet - the selectivity comes later, when you decide whether to go on a second or third date. I don't see the big deal about giving out one's phone number to a lot of people for brief conversations to see if it makes sense to meet - under that logic, a man shouldn't talk to a woman at a party who he has seen shaking hands with and greeting 10 other men in the past half hour.

 

Obviously, it's not an appropriate subject of conversation to talk about how many others you've met over the internet, other than perhaps to make it clear that you have met people in person (if the answer was "never" and the person had been on line for a substantial period of time that would be a somewhat red flag).

[midnightrambler]

Seems like lots of those guys just want reassurance that they are "wanted" by others. I've met many guys (talked to them online) that seem uninterested in a serious relationship but absolutely flattered by attention.

 

And by the way. Online Skank? I don't think you should feel that way! To be a skank, don't you have to have a reputation of skanking around?

 

i do know a woman that "volunteers" her cell phone number at the drop of a hat to the people she talks to online....i find that a bit desperate

[cantexplain]

i do know a woman that "volunteers" her cell phone number at the drop of a hat to the people she talks to online....i find that a bit desperate

 

What if you just don't want to waste time (or take the risks of communicating without real-time discourse, intonation, etc.) and just go ahead and talk over the phone?

 

I have met many interesting people on e-harmony - but have benefitted the most by talking on the phone as soon as possible.

 

And if she gives out a number quickly, does that change one another's ability to make good judgement and choices - beyond wondering if she does this to all the guys?