I feel horrible

[Big Jim]

Hi, I posted on this site about a year ago, about getting back with my ex. Well here i am, and she is begging me to take her back and has been for months. However, there was a whole bunch of drama, immediately before and for a long time after we broke up, involving a guy who she was/is? friends with. Something went on between them, what exactly i don't know. The problem that keeps me up at night, is how can i ever trust someone who consistently lied to me, and fiercely defended those lies even when i knew the truth. I love the girl so much, but my gut tells me that it is wrong to give it another go. I want to believe in forgive and forget so badly, however i just dont think i can do that. Forgetting seems impossible. My question is after treating me very poorly, and lying extenisvely, how can i ever believe any of the good things that happened or she said? everything seems tainted. I know this makes no sense, sorry, kinda rambles...

[DN]

Has she admitted that she lied and sincerely apologised for doing it?

[kekep]

i think it's extremely difficult to get back to a place where you trust somebody who has betrayed you. it's possible to do it, but it does take work and a lot of "proving" on their part.

 

i'd say, go with your gut instinct on this one.

[Big Jim]

Has she admitted she lied? When i busted her, eventually yes. That is the problem though, it always took me finding out for the truth via some other means (friends, accidently etc) to come out. I think back to so many times that something seemed amiss and am now so suspicious. Sorry, my earlier post was so poorly written. It comes down to this, when i take it day to day with her, for the most part im happy, however if i look long term i am very afraid this will happen again.

[DN]

I think you should talk to her and see if there is some way she can convince you she will not do it again. That will be tough but it is possible to regain trust given time and effort.

[FCTex]

I feel you. My ex who really didn't "try" directly to get me back, who had a boyfriend the whole time has tried this..

 

She's newly, within a week- single again.. It's been a year and a half since our break up, as messy as it was, it really has only been over shy of a year.

 

I fear she's going to try and snag me back again, even though I'm in a decent relationship.

 

Go with your gut instinct. If you doubt it, it usually will follow. I can't trust someone who destroyed 2 years of work in a matter of days.. The demolition of her integrity, her character, and the face that she made me feel that way once, solidly set in my mind for the rest of my life. I'll always remember the girl who crushed me like I never knew someone could.

 

I don't walk back into cold caves, no one should.

[heloladies21]

You can't trust her ever again. If she has the ability to lie to you right to your face and not have any conscience about it, there's no reason to believe that she's changed. You'll never lose these doubts in her as they are well founded. Too much damage has been done to make this successful.

[Mr Mister1]

Well when she next starts begging I'd stright out tell her the problem you're having with taking her back, that you have serious trust issues and that you could only take her back if she could show you that things will be different this time round.

 

It would be interesting to see how she responds to that.

[FCTex]

But it won't be different.

 

Sure, they might ACT differently, but your mind is tainted. You will always have a small level of resentment in the back of your mind. If something ever happened, you'd instantly go back to it and have those uneasy feelings.

 

It's a big deal to get over the past, it's another bridge when your trying to forge a new relationship with someone you've had problems with in the past though.

[Big Jim]

Thanks all for the advice,

Yeah I'm leaning towards the cut and run. When someone can lie so easily, not just once or twice, but many many times, about very important issues...well, it kinda kills everything. At least thats how I'm feeling. I agree with the NC thing, i have been for a couple weeks, and i find myself thinking about the relationship objectively, as opposed to the rush of feelings.

[Rabican]

Thanks all for the advice,

Yeah I'm leaning towards the cut and run. When someone can lie so easily, not just once or twice, but many many times, about very important issues...well, it kinda kills everything. At least thats how I'm feeling. I agree with the NC thing, i have been for a couple weeks, and i find myself thinking about the relationship objectively, as opposed to the rush of feelings.

 

Tell her what you just said, if she cant say something or do something to alleviate that lack of trust, and that 'she killed everything' feeling... then move on.