What did you do to heal after a relationship?

[terk2021]

Most of us that post out here are going through a loss of a relationship. Many of us are in different stages of life. Relationships ending in high school, college, engagements getting broken and weddings canceled, divorces after a few months to many years.

 

Some of us tend to heal quicker than others. I see these types of questions being asked, and sometimes they get a few responses. I would love to hear some short stories on:

 

1) How long you were with them.

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

3) How low you went

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

[zerohalo]

It's an intensely personal question, but part of the reason I come to ENA is to get my feelings out in the open. So, here we go.

 

1) 13 years

 

2) We got married young and as she got older she changed quite a bit. The nail in the coffin was discovering she had cheated many times on me.

 

3) I don't know what you're asking. (edit!) Hey ok, now I get it. At one point I committed suicide because the pain was intense, but I quickly disregarded the idea.

 

4) It didn't take long, actually. She and I were drifting apart in the last 2 years of the marriage, then we got separated for about 4 months, and I wasn't completely surprised she cheated on me. I talked with so many friends and family during our separation that I never felt totally alone, and they really helped me see what kind of person I was. Coming to ENA has helped me a lot too because I realized many of the things I was feeling weren't unique to me. I don't know how you know when you're totally better, I don't think you just wake up and know. But I feel better about myself now than I have in a long long time, and that is progress to me.

[cordelia]

My most serious relationship ended a few years ago and it was for the best:

 

1) 3 years (lived together)

 

2) lying, cheating, manipulation, drama etc. you name it!

 

3) I was at my lowest point every because we worked together and lived together and I had to get out on my own for the first time. I was stressed beyond beleif and doing really badly at work and completely traumatized by the whole break up.

 

4) As soon as I got him out of my life for good, I instantly felt better. He moved away so I was able to distance myself from him very quickly. And I met someone else 2 weeks after he left!

[Aurian]

1) How long you were with them.

 

5 years, 3 years of marriage.

 

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

He abused me after marrying me. He also threatened to kill my family and himself numerous times, while waving a knife in my face.

 

 

3) How low you went

 

I was cutting myself and thinking about suicide during the relationship.

 

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

I finally realized that I was not to blame for causing his behaviour and realized that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't getting the knight shining armour I married back. I dumped him, marched to the lawyer's office, went into NC and went into counselling. I feel so much better now. All this time I was spending so much of my time and energy trying to drag up my esteem while with him, that my esteem has shot through the roof with a fraction of the effort!

[terk2021]

I am so sorry to hear about your story. I am glad to hear that you got back on your feet and gout out of a horrible situation. It seems that self esteem is a common theme out here as to how people get back on there feet.

[Aurian]

Yeah, if you have low self-esteem, then you take more things as being "your fault." Its not just abuse, but even dealing with any difficult relationship, a good self-esteem is important. I suspect that those with a better self-esteem handle relationships better and move on in a more healthy way. Just a theory though.

[rsxguy520]

1) How long you were with them.

3.5 years together, 4 years overall (including friendship)

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

Stress, then she meet someone and is now with him. made every possible excuse of how its her not me. yadada. she started to fall for him, and there you have it.

 

3) How low you went

Contemplated suicide..but i knew in my heart it wasn't worth it...cause i knew something was up, and guess what? i was right.

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

about 1 1/2-2 months of depression. but suddenly it hit me and i realize she was the one who did all the bad to me, and that there is someone out there WAYYY better for me. it'll take time to find her, but it'll be well worth it. also talked about it with my parents, friends, family, and anyone of support like eNotalone. Plus the words of inspiration of Major and Superdave really lifted my spirits!! now i feel great as ever!

[Parsley]

Wow.. compared to everyone elses mine seems pitiful and ridiculously easy to deal with! Most recent relationship...

 

1) How long you were with them.

4 and half months

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

He wouldn't let me help him during difficult times, ignored me when I tried, told me he didn't love me anymore, and had been expecting our relationship to fail from the start.

 

3) How low you went

For about a month and a half before it ended I was getting steadily more and more depressed, crying absolutely everyday because I just didn't know what was going on, and thought that I was actually losing my mind and stopped trusting all of my thought processes. The lowest would be a couple of days after he broke up with me (via email), when I realised that he'd known what I'd been going through, and had let me think it was me - whilst knowing that he was causing it. Knowing that someone I had felt so much for had let me suffer like that felt like a bullet to the head, heart and gut.

 

Not long after, a guy asked me out, only to tell me I needed professional help when I turned him down. Set me back a bit, especially considering a week before I thought that I couldn't trust my mind anymore.

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

I'm on my way back now. NC, trying to keep busy, realising that I honestly and truly am better off without this person. Not easy, but I'm edging my way back.

 

For a more positive break up - my previous ex, and first serious relationship, first love.

 

1) How long you were with them.

2.5 years

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

Growing older, growing apart, chemistry fizzling out from it's already pitiful fizz.

 

3) How low you went

Fairly low - not nice to have the whole idealistic fairy tale broken apart before your eyes. Not easy to have to go to Paris with him a few months after the break up because we couldn't change the holiday we'd booked.

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

I'm not sure. Just made sure I remembered I would be at uni a few months later and would meet someone amazing. I did meet someone the week after getting back from Paris. Unfortunately he turned out to be the ex mentioned above.

 

 

[finewhine]

1) How long you were with them.

 

3.5 years

 

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

We grew apart because I got an advanced degree and more self-confidence, enabling me to recognize that I deserve(d) more out of life. He got a really high-paying job that turned him into a self-centered narcissist

 

 

3) How low you went

 

I lost ten pounds and cried every day for a month. Or two. Hard to remember.

 

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

It's over seven months later, and I'm still not 100% over the breakup. That said, I'm like 92% myself again. I got back on my feet by accomplishing things like crazy. Getting straight A's in grad school, achieving other goals in my creative/professional life, looking for a new job. Also, socializing like mad, making out with cute boys, taking real pride in my appearance.

[boston23]

1) 1.5 years

 

2) He quit his job (a year ago!!), never bothered finding a new one and got jealous of the fact that I have my life on track.

 

3) He dumped me right before finals in grad school. I lost 6 pounds in the first week, altogether about 15 (trying to work on eating more). Studying for those exams was horrible...I had to take breaks to drive around in the car so I could cry for a good hour without my family around. I spent the next 3 weeks on the verge of tears. That sucked for Christmas.

 

4) I moved out of our apartment the next day, back to my parents, my mom recognized that I was extremely depressed so I'm seeing a therapist now (definitely recommend it!) and trying to keep busy. I'm definitely still going through all the issues of the break up (cried a couple of times this weekend), but not feeling anywhere as bad as I felt, and definitely very good on the whole!! And remembering that I'm actually very much better without him has helped

[caro33]

1) How long you were with them.

 

Ten years, the last year and a half or so we were engaged to be married.

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

He suddenly up and left, saying he didn't feel like being in a relationship any more. I never found out any more than this. Except for him coming back a couple of times to pick up his stuff, we never spoke again. It was a complete surprise and I had no idea what happened.

 

3) How low you went

 

I felt awful for the first 4 months, reasonably constantly. I cried a lot, had goldfish memory and felt flat and sad about everything. I obsessed about it constantly, trying to work out why he left. I dreamed a different backstory every night. I hoped he'd come back and I assumed I'd find out what happened. I never did.

 

After four months I lost hope he'd come back, and actually started to pick up a bit as a result.

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

Nor sure I'll even be the same as I was before, and it's over 5 years after he left. But I'm not worse off emotionally, I'm just more pragmatic about love and fate and commitment. It took me over a year to start seeing anyone, and then things started to improve. I spent that first year alone, working in a terrible job and trying to complete my PhD on my own time. It gave me something to focus on.

 

After a year or so I became extremely grateful that he left. I would never have left no matter what, and yet the relationship was not an adult relationship. That whole thing ending freed me up to live my life, have further heatbreaks and thrills, and most importantly, helped put me in the right place at the right time to meet my husband. I am eternally grateful for the ex departing my life, even though the pain and anguish at the time was extreme.

[Jason1080]

1) 3 months or so

2) She just decided that it was against her moral values and thought having a bf was a burden, so she dumped me out of nothing, although i feel that there is another reason behind her dumping me

3) I felt really crap for 1 week or so, i was still talking to her thru msn and all, i wasnt looking forward to school since I had to see her everyday. I didnt go low enough to start hurting myself, though

4) I started NC/LC and started to use my spare time to go on runs or practice the martial arts in the park. Not only has my fitness increased, but i dont think of her at all when i do those activities. I also deleted her from my MSN contact list to refrain from contacting her. I Love her, sometimes you jsut have to let things go if you love them, i was ready to do that. This experience was just overall great, i just kept one thing in mind:

"There never is a winter that doesn't end in Spring" - Tendou Souji

[Orlander]

1) How long you were with them.

-- Just shy of 4 years

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

-- turned into somewhat of a long distance relationship

-- she turned ultra fundamentally religious

-- i really had doubts, from day 1, that i wanted to be with her and i was not in love with her

3) How low you went

-- all the way...I let my value be determined by another and I lost all hope and faith. There's no lower, in my opinion, than when we lose faith in ourselves

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

-- time

-- finding out she wasnt the great woman I had built her up to be and realizing I didn't fall in love with her after the breakup

-- getting my self respect, self confidence back but most importantly getting my faith back in myself and in God

 

 

Orlander

[sjv119]

1) How long you were with them.

*** 6.5 years. lived for 2 (year 3 & 4). long distance for 2.5 (year 5, 6, & .5)

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

*** possibly the long distance

*** he cheated on me

 

3) How low you went

*** ummmm.... had awful thoughts of... whatever

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

*** i haven't fully recovered. but i'm definitely on my way. i had no choice but to do NC since he cut me off anyway.

*** definitely finding myself back to God.

[deejay74]

hey parsely, don't feel bad. i hope my story helps you feel better!

 

1. how long you were with them:

- approximately 6 months. give or take a couple of weeks

 

2. the main reason the relationship fell apart:

- my ex was/is very busy with school/work, etc. began to pull away from me, of course i chased which made things worse. also, she's extremely selfish and self-centered and couldn't really be bothered with me, especially near the end.

 

3. how low you went:

- pretty low. i don't really remember the first 3 months of 2006 because i was so depressed. it affected almost everything in my life, including my job performance.

 

4. And how you got back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience:

- haha, well, i hate to say this, but it's been a work in progress. i think it wasn't until about may or june when i finally started to feel relatively normal. unfortunately, i haven't been in a relationship since my ex, but i have dated a few girls. i still think about things on a daily basis but i have learned to live with it and the emotions behind those thoughts are manageable.

 

even though it's been a work in progress for me after a year since the break up, i am definitely better/different than i was prior to the relationship. it just sucks that i still think about things but i am working on that too.

[Donster]

What a fantabulous thread! I've written a LOT about all this on here, but here's a condensed version:

 

1. how long you were with them:

Almost exactly 14 years. Through 7 cars, 4-5 houses/apartments, 4 different schools, 3 cats, lots of laughs, and later countless tears.

 

2. the main reason the relationship fell apart:

Lots of reasons, but if I had to choose just 1, I would say that we got together really early in life and he ended up having an early midlife crisis. I guess that's two, but they are linked.

 

 

3. how low you went:

Ooh, I want to forget about the low points. There have been lots of ups and downs, and lately more ups than downs. Or do you mean how low in terms of burning pictures of the ex, voodoo dolls, and the like?

 

4. And how you got back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience:

 

The transformation was began almost immediately once the veil of uncertainly lifted. How's this for starters on getting back on my feet and starting my life all over again: facing painful truths, dancing for joy, meeting tons of new people, doing tons of new things, facing new challenges, celebrating the good times, mourning the bad, and moving to a new country. All in just a few months' time

[hockeyboy]

hmm, i could pick from a few, but will pick the one that brought me here

 

1) How long you were with them.

Were actually together for a little over a year, were seeing eachother for about 2.

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

Still not really sure. Part of it was insecurities on both of our ends.

 

3) How low you went

Real real real low. I remember the day I moved out of my house. I was moving to my own apartment after graduating college and my parents were moving elsewhere. It was pouring rain and I just remember laying on my bed, face stuffed in my pillow, and crying for hours. I have never felt that low in my life and vowed to never feel that way again. I get hurt, but don't get that hurt. I went on for months being depressed. I could never sleep or eat or enjoy the simplest things. I could not break my addiction to her for a long time and just let myself get hurt over and over. It was horrible...but I'm glad it all happened.

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

One day I just snapped. I had a missed call from her at about 4am. I called back and some guy picked up and runs his mouth to me. I was just laughing because the whole thing was juvenile. I hung up and went right back to bed. Slept great. Later in the day she called and I just told her to never speak to me again and hung up. From there on out, I got better every day. I started coaching hockey, going to the gym, bought myself new clothes, a car, moved to the city with new friends, read a self help book, stopped coming to ENA for a while, and took up other new hobbies. I accepted that I needed to be single (for the first time) and spent a lot of time doing what I wanted to do. It took time, but I did it. She eventually came back...but I had moved on.

[ruby19]

Wish I'd found this place years ago!

 

) How long you were with them.

Six months, knew each other for a few months before that.

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

Personality differences, age gap, lack of interest in working through tough time (semi-long distance) on his part.

 

3) How low you went

Contemplated suicide. Was sad but resigned last week. This week I'm really missing him and wanting him back, I feel like I'm sliding backwards. Hopefully it is temporary and I will swing upward (and higher soon)

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible

Work in progress. I have a list of things I should be happy and excited about and I was briefly when I put it together. Today I could care less, I'm just thinking of him. But I know it will pass and I'll have a positive thought again soon. Up and down, day by day until it becomes an even keel. I'm seeing a counsellor to help put things in perspective. Taking a new class at the gym and eating better. Trying to stay busy. Patience is a virture...

[GottaLetItBurn]

I have seen a therapist too. It helps if you can talk about it.

 

You'll be okay. It's good your mom noticed that the break up was effecting you so much. I would recommend therapy to anyone grieving over the loss of a love one, break up or otherwise.

[papalazarou]

 

1) How long you were with them.

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

3) How low you went

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

 

1) 13 years. 5 of which married.

 

2) Probably due to not taking time out for each other. I was working every hr god sent and when I wasnt I was digging the garden & studying for exams for work. She was looking after our two yound daughters. However instead of talking to me about this (or her parents) she decided to embark on an affair.

 

3) Depression. Quite badly.

 

4) Surrounded myself with my closest friends. Realised that there were other women out there. Took up a martial art.

[Pisces_Princess]

1) How long you were with them.

 

2 years

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

My depression drove him away

 

3) How low you went

 

Felt suicidal

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

Still getting there...but getting there

[Bankers24]

1) How long you were with them.

 

2 years - married 10 months

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

He has affairs with at least 4 women that I know about.

 

3) How low you went

 

I lost 10 pounds in a week and couldn't eat. I cried everyday for a long time.

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

I am slowly getting back on my feet. I felt better once the decision was made to go our separate ways because he was not willing to work on it. I am still working on getting over it becuase our divorce is not even final yet. I have been doing NC (except divorce matters) for about 2.5 weeks now and it feels really good to not have him in my life. Once divorce is final I am going to FULL NC and even having my number changed. I don't want someone like that in my life - PERIOD!

[need2bme]

1) How long you were with them.

 

13 1/2 years

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

Too many arguments and the final one on her birthday

 

3) How low you went

 

I cried a lot and called her. I basically tried to call all of her sisters and none would really talk to me.

 

4) And how you got back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

Still working on it, but I do know that I had to talk to just about every person I knew and some I didn't. I just started thinking that I was beating myself down for about 10 years and was not the person I was before, at all. I know now that I need to change. I still want her, but I am afraid that will now never happen.

[JoeWho]

1.) How long?

 

Almost 10 years broke up 5 months ago

 

2.)Main reason for break up.

 

She cheated and lied and all together lost herself.

 

3.)How low you went

 

I am proud of how I handled it, I was pretty upset for the first couple weeks but I used all of the negative things to motivate myself. I do remember one night I made a huge mistake and read a bunch of letters from our first couple years causing me to assume the fetal position for a few hours. LOL

 

4.) How I got back on my feet?

 

Still not there yet but making consistent progress. The past few weeks I have decided that I enjoy being single and the independence that comes with it. I remember that before I was in this relationship a decade ago ( how the hell did I get to be 28???) I was a bit of a loner and always did things alone like fishing and hiking. I am starting to be happy just being by myself again and no longer feel the need to be in a relationship. In fact I dont even want to be in a relationship for a good long time. I would eventually like to start dating as there are obvious things that I think everyone misses that come with being in a relationship, but I still think that I am no where near ready to even causally date.

 

I probably just contradicted myself several times, oh well that is what healing form a LTR is all about. You really dont know what the heck you want but you sure know what you dont want.

[Wandering_Sword]

 

1) How long you were with them.

 

2) The main reason the relationship fell apart

 

3) How low you went

 

4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

 

1.) 2.5 Years

 

 

2.) I kept in contact with my previous ex (just talking) and I worked too much.

 

3.) Begging, pleading and even crying (yikes!) to get her back. I kept getting into bar fights and brawls with my security team to numb myself from the rejection. Not a good idea when I look back on it *sigh*. I wish I could go back to change things and since that's impossible I can only look forward to a better future. I hopefully learned something and should something like this happen again (gods forbid) I'll be better prepared for it.

 

4.) Started meditating again, training harder at the gym, picked up a new martial art and even improved on my old forms and techniques. Also started drawing again, did a couple of courses toward my Master's degree, reading and getting a motorcycle license (can't wait to pick up my Honda CBR600 RR!).

 

Doesn't sound like much but I'm feeling a whole world better after dealing with the above mentioned things and combining it with two months of solid NC.