I need advice on finally ending it.

[Eileen101]

I have been involved with the same person for 7 years. He is reeeeeeaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllly abusive. Of course over time it has gotten worse, I keep hoping that it will change. He actually has a personality disorder. NPD,(Narcisistic Personality Disorder) he is aware that he has this disorder but will not do anything about it and I have dealt with it for a very long time. I keep breaking it off but I keep going back. I know that I have issues as well or I would not continue to be with someone who treats me so badly but I don't know how to finally stop all contact. For example today I am fine and I know that I won't try to see him or talk to him but tomorrow it could be totally different. I end up having an over whelming feeling of loss and I end up making contact with him or I cant say no when he contacts me. We were never married but we have two children together also. I just want to change my life and get back to a tunnel with some light at the end of it. I am so tired of being sad and empty from being with someone who is so very hurtful. I know that he does a lot of the stuff intentionally TO hurt me and for some reason I tolerate a lot of it and I DONT KNOW WHY> I really need to find some earth shattering advice so that I can make this time stick!! I want to get on with my life without him in it. Someone tell me something!!

[need2bme]

There is no way you can EVER move on or feel good about yourself, if you are with someone who makes you feel like you are not worth anything.

 

We all need someone to love and we have a RIGHT to a good relationship. I am trying really hard not to sound like Dr. Phil here, but there is nothing wrong with expecting a great realtionship.

 

Don't call and GET OUT!! So, stop carrying all this on your shoulders and just "put it down". Put it down, turn and walk away.

[Eileen101]

You are absolutely right and that is the stuff that I keep telling myself but for some reason I continue to take abuse from this person when I know it is damaging me and my kids as well. I know that if anything I really need to make that change if not for me then for them. I know what needs to be done and the rational side of my mind tells me this everyday, I just keep overlooking that when it comes to really following through. This time I have been telling myself not to look to far into the future and to just give myself a healthy break away from him. At least 6 weeks. I am going to try to stick to that with every fiber of my being. I just know that all of my family and friends are sick of hearing the same crap from me and it never materializes. I don't have any dignity left at this point and I know that for me to ever rebuild my life I need to finally understand that my situation with him is never going to be ok. I have to resolve that there will be no reslove?! I am a fixer and I hate to accept that some things cannot be fixed. I know I deserve better so I am going to keep telling myself ever minute of the day that I can't go back this time. Thanks for the support, E.

[need2bme]

I am a fixer too and I hate to think that my 13+ year relationship is gone, but there can't be only one person trying.

 

You are just going to kill your heart. That is what happened to me and that is what I did to her.

 

Please just give it a little time and then worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

 

(((((HUGS!!)))))

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to Enotalone!

 

It's hard when you get stuck in a rut of being with someone abusive because they get really good at breaking you down so that you think you aren't worth being treated well.

 

I was abused by my ex fiance for 5 years too. It was a viscious cycle where I would want to leave him but never quite get up the courage to stay gone... the most was a few days and then I'd be back for more. I finally walked away from him 8 years ago when he almost killed me. It's not easy, but it was the best thing I did for myself to this day.

 

You have two kids with this man, and what worries me is that you are subjecting your kids to a dangerous situation. If you are unable to think of yourself first, put your kids first. Kids know alot more than you think, and even if he is not abusing you in front of them, they can feel that tension and see it and they likely hear it too. You need to get them away from him.

 

Do you have friends or family that know what's going on? Sometimes the first step is to tell others. Not only do you get their support, but it makes it a little harder for you to go back to him. Not to mention it might open up a place for you to stay while you get your life back on track.

 

You can do this!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Eileen!!

 

Welcome to ENA!!

 

I think what it takes to leave someone who's bad for you for good - is willpower. Lots and lots of willpower!! You'll need strength and willpower.

 

I don't have a better answer for you than that but I will say that this website - ENA - is a wonderful support group so if you find yourself in a weak moment, you can call on us rather than calling him!!!

[Eileen101]

I love this support, because I have not had something to hold on to before now, and there is so much that I don't tell other people. I keep a lot of it to myself because I know that most people either don't understand or they have heard enough. Hope, you are very on point about me needing to get my kids away from him because he is so manipulative and abusive. I have already had some really close calls with him and I have known for some time that I am subjecting myself to a danger that I can't afford. My kids mean the world to me but they are paying for my choices everyday when I am pre occupied with someone who is so evil. He has always had this awful hold on me and I know that they only way that is going to change is if I stop all contact with him. I am very inspired by all that I have read today and I will continue to post on here and I will not have any further contact with him. IF others can do it so can I. If he calls me or comes by I will not answer the phone or the door. And when I feel weak I will spill it on here. THANK YOU

[need2bme]

Spill it al girlie!! We are right her for you.

 

See, at least you know your kids need to be safe and have a good example set for them. Sometimes kids can learn subconsciously, so it is good to get them out of that environment.

[sandyv]

Eileen, Hi, I got outta of a relationship with a guy with similar problems about 4 months ago, he was making me crazy.....

 

I loved him very much, so I can understand how you get that overpowering feeling of loss too, but its just so hard to let go..... but you have to...

 

I still love him, as you do your ex, (and probably always will)... there is no on and off switch... but it will get easier with time to let him go, as you must for your kids sake, and your own too.

 

Sandy

[Eileen101]

I still love him, as you do your ex, (and probably always will)... there is no on and off switch... but it will get easier with time to let him go, as you must for your kids sake, and your own too.

 

What you said right there is the hardest part for me really, I want to be able to just turn off my feelings and never look back and I know that is never going to happen. But I know that no matter how hard it is I HAVE TO LET HIM GO> I cannot keep repeating this pattern. I will never find any peace in life and my childrens lives and happiness is being compromised everyday by letting myself take the abuse. The saying " treat yourself with love and respect and others will follow" really hit home today. I am really starting to think about that concept. How can I expect him to respect me as a person even much less in a relationship when I don't care for myself no where near how I should. I know a lot of these things and I tend to ignore them so that I can overlook what is right in front of my face. I deserve more I know I do. I will keep telling myself all of these things as much as possible until I can really reach a place that is strength bearing. I will make it without him. Or I'll die tryin'.

[Hope75]

That's the key Eileen,

 

It's OK to know that you still love him but that he isn't a good person for you or for your kids, and that you have control over the situation and can keep yourself and your kids safe. You don't want them growing up with that kind of a person as an influence on them... Do you have sons? Would you want them to grow up and treat a woman like that? How about daughters? Would you want them to grow up thinking that is how women should be treated? You set an example for them with your behaviour and what you accept. It's hard to think about how much we shape our kids without even saying a word, isn't it?

 

I'm glad you found us, and that you feel comfortable coming here for support.

 

Do you live with this man? Do you have a safe place to go with your kids to be away from him?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

the earth shattering advice i have to give you is this: if you stay, you are giving your children a blueprint for how they should live. Your daughter(s) will decide it is OK to repeat the pattern and be abused, and your son(s) will think it they should abuse women, and women are doormats. children are little sponges, and learn far more than you think from watching once they are no longer infants. and you as an adult can make a choice to stay or leave, but they are TRAPPED in a situation where they are probably terrified about losing their own mother, or else learning really bad habits they will repeat throughout their lives.

 

so please, whatever you personally have learned to take as abuse, don't pass on to your own children. teach them that love and respect is the way to go, even if it means a small amount of loneliness to pay as the price. you will never get a better life, if you are willing to settle for a worse one, and your children will most likely repeat your mistakes, and suffer terribly in their own lives, if you don't stop this cycle and save yourself AND them...

 

please take advantage of any help that your local women's shelters can give, to protect you and your kids and help you find a better life... there are lots of people who will give you the support you need, if you realize that you can have a better life, and your kids can too, and others will help you stay safe and ease your transition to a better life.

 

please call the women's shelters if he is really dangerous, to help you plan your escape from this situation in a way that doesn't endanger you or your children.

 

best of luck, there are many who do find a better life, but you need to take the first step, and trust others who really can help you, not someone who abuses you...

[Eileen101]

All really healthy advice. Fortunately I don't have to worry about having a place to go. We lived together for 2yrs and when I finally decided that I had had enough I got a place. It took a while to get in there and start my own home over again but I did. I am proud of myself for at least doing that much because that was extremely difficult as well. But..... I am still going through what is the actual seperation on a regular basis by not being able to totally cease all contact. He has been really physical with me more than once. That hasn't been the case in the last 6-8 weeks but I am have been dealing with a lot of emotional abuse lately. I went to his Job yesterday and said that I couldn't do it anymore and I gave him the cell phone he was helping me with. That way there was no reason for him to feel like he was tied to me in anyway. That was very difficult and it hurt a lot. I have done this so many times though I know that he thinks I am full of crap. He was even kind of laughing as I left. I know that that is my fault. Why would I expect him to take me seriously?? I have said and done this so many times I know that it sounds like an empty threat to him. A part of me does do this to make him hurt the way he hurts me but at the same time I really do want it to end. I want a chance at a normal life and to be able to give my children what they deserve and I know that none of that will ever happen with him in the picture. I just started a new job at my local college and enrolled in some classes. I really needed that to feel a purpose in life and he never not once said a positive word of encouragement. If anything he got really depressed and started to fall apart. The better I did the worse he got. All part of his NPD. I am so tired of everything having to be about him. But I do know this. He will not be take rejection litely. He never does. If he cant physically make me pay he will do whatever it takes to make me feel a great deal of hurt and sorrow for making the choice to no longer be involved with him. That is the part that I know that I have to prepare myself for. I know its coming. It is just a matter of time.

I just have to continually remind myself that he is sick, and that if it wasn't me that he was or is doing this to that it would be some other poor smuck. I was ok for most of the day today and then I had a seriouse episode of crying my eyes out. Just like other people on here have said one of the hardest parts in knowing and accepting that your best friend is gone. Even though he can be really abusive there were a lot of good times as well and that is the part that keeps me going back. That and my fear of abandonment. I seriousely am going to just keep coming back here though when I feel like cracking!! Thank you everyone for keeping me going today. One day at a time, one small step at a time.

[Juliana]

"If he cant physically make me pay he will do whatever it takes to make me feel a great deal of hurt and sorrow for making the choice to no longer be involved with him. "

 

Oh, yeah, narcissistic rage.

 

Look, the thing to do is to not tell him anything positive about your life, ever. Narcissists are very envious; they cannot stand to hear that someone else is doing well. Just be very depressed and boring whenever you talk to him. No contact will not work with a narcissist, but you can choose not to initiate contact from your end, and be very dull and unresponsive to him when he is around.

 

In the meantime, though, actually go out and have a life. Meet some new, non-NPD people. That way, you can get on with fulfilling your goals of creating a better life, and he can get on with his of becoming the biggest jerk in the known universe. Good luck!

[Eileen101]

Wow that is awsome!! Julianna, you are the first person ever to acknowledge what NPD is!! To me that is of course, whenever i talk to anyone else about it they look at me like I am from mars. You are very accurate in your post. That is soosooo how he is. And yes they are very jelouse. You are very right about that and I will try that if I need to. If I have to come into contact with him I will make sure that it is the most uneventful time he has had with me. Bore him to tears so to speak. The less entertaining I am the more detached he will be, since he always needs and expects to be entertained because he is a God in his mind. But why do you think NC wont work? I know why but then I don't. I know that I have tried it many times in the past and it hasn't worked. He refuses to let me call the shots in any way. DO u have any experience with NPD? Would be happy to hear any thing you have on that. Eileen.

[Eileen101]

Just wanted to say goodnight to everyone and also say thank you for all the positive posts and support. I know I have a corner of the world that is there now that I didn't have before. Post with u all later, Eileen.

[Juliana]

No contact won't work, because as you say, he can't stand to let you have any control in the relationship, and also because your attempts to pull away will only make you more attractive to him -- narcissists find people who don't like them more appealing than people who do, unless that liking is nothing more than full-on admiration. They like to be admired; they don't actually understand the concept of friendship in the way other people do, except in a very rudimentary, almost childish sense. You've probably found there is something very child-like about him; as if, with very little effort, his problems in relating and trusting could be put right, and he could love and be loved and be happy. This is not the case. Curing narcissistic disorder takes decades of non-stop work. Usually the combined efforts of many people are involved, and he has to be skillfully manuevered into what he needs, as opposed to what he thinks he needs. He is like someone who is starving, who will literally eat anything, whether it is toxic, or nourishing. The problem isn't with the amount of love around him, however, it's with his ability to accept and return it.

 

He is a damaged person, and the first thing you have to disabuse yourself of is the idea that it is your special mission in life to "fix" him, or that any good will come to you out of "fixing him" or trying to fix him. Relationships with people who have personality disorders only work if they already work; they cannot be made to work. If you're not happy right now, there is no way you are going to be, because he fundamentally lacks the tools needed to improve the relationship: Insight, empathy, humility, and the ability to delay gratification or to compromise.

 

It's not necessary to demonize him; you could have had a relationship with a non-narcissist that likewise didn't work out and be hurting over that just as badly -- many people do. And it's not necessary to dwell on "what could have been;" the qualities that attracted you to him in the first place could very easily have been at least partly related to his narcissism. It's just a relationship that didn't work out, although both you and he tried, but it's highs were probably higher, and as you've found, it's lows were lower. Now you are going to have to steel yourself for the barrage of nonsense that is going to follow: Everything from pleading for you to return, to attacking you for making him feel frightened and lonely.

 

You must never give the impression of having a backbone. Never stand up to him. Strength of character is appealing to narcissists because they have a weak sense of self; he'll either attack you for it because it will make him envious of you, and in the context of you leaving him it could provoke extreme reactions, or, alternatively, he'll begin to try to woo you back because he will be instinctively attracted to the quality he doesn't possess and wishes to. You needn't worry about crying in front of him, or hiding your misery, or anything of that kind. You must not initiate contact from your end; that kind of attention feeds his ego and will get you into a new, and more toxic cycle with him. I bet you thought it couldn't get more toxic. If he does do something completely unacceptable, like hitting you or destroying property, cry louder and call the police -- he won't be able to get away fast enough from this dripping mess of a woman who is now publicly embarrassing him.

 

You are wondering if he loved you? For narcissists, "love" is simply trying to find the most attractive partner, the person who is most valuable, most strong, exotic, intelligent, etc. If you have been selected by a narcissist, you already have all those qualities, but he's been subtly convincing you for years that those qualities are actually his. He really believes this now; don't contradict him. All of this is happening on a level he's not aware of; he feels emotions, needs; he doesn't actually understand why he feels what he feels. Just quietly let him leave your life as he goes looking for another partner whose qualities are fresh to him. He honestly does not know why the relationship is failing, and does not see his role in it.

 

Love, to a narcissist, is fundamentally different than it is to other people. It is more like hunger, or obsession. It is what he recognizes as love although it is not unconditional, and completely lacking in self-sacrifice. He does not love you for who you really are, because he cannot see who you really are -- when he looks at you he only sees either what he wishes he was, or what he hopes to have. He doesn't just see you and love you as yourself. He can't do that, not for you, not for anyone. He will not ever give you love except in exchange for admiration. He will not ever be there when you are tired, frightened, sick or hurt. He will not ever bear with you through difficult times. He is incapable of returning love for love; he can only take. It's what he is. He may, if he is carefully protected from harm, recover from his narcissism. You cannot do that; no one person can do that. It is the work of a lifetime, and as I said, if your relationship isn't a happy one for you now, it never will be. Let him go. He may recover later, although it is very unlikely he'll ever be completely normal -- under stress, he will always revert back to his narcissism. However, he will certainly appear to recover, I guarantee that. The minute he finds a new partner who idealizes him in the blush of new "love," he will be reassured that everything that was ever wrong with your relationship was all your fault, and he will probably tell you so.

 

After he leaves you, get about six months of therapy to recover your sense of self. Don't tell him you're doing this unless it's to frame yourself in a poor light. Most people leaving narcissists generally feel they've been hit by a bus. There's alot of support groups online specifically for people leaving narcissists, and there are several books out, most notably Drama Kings, and Why Is It Always About You? You might enjoy looking up that information.

 

Post back and let us know how you're doing.

[stormie1]

Hi,

Thank you for your post on my thread. It's good to hear that I am doing the right things because it doesn't feel right without him in my life and I don't want to be forgotten.

My advice to you is to try the NC. It really does work. Hope mentioned buying a rubberband to put on my wrist and to snap it everytime I start to wish or overthink what has happened. I really am going to do that.

Sounds like your situation is worst than mine. Abuse is wrong. You deserve so much more than that.

Treat yourself to something good. People who have been abused have very low self esteem. You need to pick yourself up! Do something good for others. It will make you feel like a million bucks to help others. When my travel schedule slows down, I am going to try to volunteer some. Even just visiting with some of the old people at church will do so much for both parties. If there is an older person that you feel close too, confide in them what you are going through. You would be surprised at their answers. They are old and wise. They know their lives are coming to an end. Trust me, they would not waste another day on losers like we love. It is good to hear that.

Hang in there girl! This site has been my life line! I don't know if I would have been able to do the NC without everyone's support. I know he is wondering about me. I dropped some pens off at my old job. My friend said he asked them if he could have one of my pens! How pathetic is that? He misses me so much that he wants one of my cheap sales rep pens? It made my day to hear that. Please try NC. But, think seriously about going back to a guy that will abuse you. He will abuse your children also! Do it for them.

God bless you and take care of yourself...You too deserve better.

[Eileen101]

Wow that was two great posts just since last night. Well, he called me last night and I was out of it, half asleep and I didn't think, I answered the phone. It was a weird conversation. He basically asked me if I was done being a and I said what are you talking about? Im not the one being a jerk you are. We talked for a short while and I ended up really telling him off. The weird part about it was he just ended up sitting there quietly and taking it. I really let him have it and finally he said well now that you have convinced me and the whole neighborhood of how you feel im going to bed and I said yeah, whatever, goodnight and I hung up on him. I will not call him still and if he calls me I am just going to act like I am a dead person on the other end of the phone.

Yes it is extremely difficult to be involved with a Narcisist and I do feel like I have been hit by 5 buses. I just want it to stop. I can't take anymore. I am so drained that I feel like I am physically ready to keel over. I know that he is everything that Julianna wrote about in her last post to me. I have felt and gone through every bit of that and it is unreal to have someone acknowledge all that behavior and that it is real and that I have been going through it all for the last 7 yrs. The hardest part of it all too is just like she said. When I do finally leave him it really wont matter to him at all because he isn't capable of really loving someone, I will be replaced and In his mind and everyone that he comes into contact with, he will say that it was all my fault. I just want to be around a non Narcisistic person so bad that it is killing me. I see other people receive love and have a normal relationship and it is so forieghn to me now that I don't know if I will ever heal from this and be able to engage in a "normal" set up. I have to find a way out of this. Thank you so much for all your support. With your guys's support I will make it out of this cuz you are all making me so aware of how normal I am and how abnormal he is and that is just what I have needed. Thank you. Stormie thank you for the words of encouragement. And all the great ideas. I will definitely try some ot them out. I know in your situation regardless of whether or not he is trying to let it be known, he really does miss you and will continue to miss you and when it becomes overwhelming and he realizes what he really gave up he will definitely want a second chance with you and it will be too late. He will always have to live with the reality of what he did to you and that you were strong enough to bear it and that you can and did make it without him. That has to be hard for him regardless of how he may act. Keep being strong and show him that life does go on without him. And in a good way, like the other people had said, the best revenge is living well. I will check in with every one later! E.

[Eileen101]

Well another day of being in a bad place and not knowing what to do with my situation. I actually talked to him and i told him that I am going to start looking for a boyfriend. I don't know what good that did. I feel like I am in a box only big enough to contain my body and there is no way out. Julianna was right, it isn't the same with someone who is a Narcisist because they don't take no for an answer. It is almost as is I dont exist except to be unable to control where I am at. I have been trying to be free of this for 7 yrs and it hasn't materialized yet. If I would have know what I was getting myelf into when I first met this person I would have ran for my dear life. I know I sound pathetic but until you have been involved with someone like him and have gone through what I have gone through then you cant even imagine what it is really like. All I can do is continue trying to make a dent in my situation with him. Wish me luck. E.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, you can get rid of him, but you have to make a PLAN and stick to it... Narcissistics are all about themselves, and he is also abusive, so please consult something like a women's shelter, not to live there, but to get help and information on how to rid yourself of someone like him.

 

the good thing will be, once he is no longer getting gratification and contact from you, he will very quickly find someone else and drop you like a hot rock... narcissists are only interested in what's called 'narcissictic supply', not love or anything else... they just need someone (anyone) to feed their own mental disorder, and when you are not useful for that anymore, he will immeidately switch to someone else...

 

talk to someone who is used to dealing with his type, then put your plan into place and do not vary from it. when 'playing' with you is no fun anymore, he will go somewhere else. but remember, playing for him might be fighting, testing his will against yours, getting gratification from making you angry, so you need to come up with a clear plan based on knowledgeable people's experiences on how to deprive him of whatever feeds his desire to focus on you... it's very much like starving a fire of oxygen so that it can't burn you...

 

please consult some people who have expertise in this, and work to heal yourself and move on. you can find someone normal, and once you start getting treated well by other people and shut him out of your life, you will heal faster than you can imagine, since he is the source of your pain.

[Eileen101]

That is some amazing advice, and I know that everything that you said in your post is 100% true. It is a trip to see how much he actually fits the profile of a Narcisist. It is creepy actually. I know that he has this disorder and that it is very real but I have been dealing with it for such a long time that I forget how much of a cookie cutter type he is for his disorder. I know that if I do it just right I can follow that type of game plan and be free of him/us for good. I think one of the main problems for me right now is it is never as simple as I would like it to be. This is something that I failed to mention in my earlier posts because I have a hard time even mentioning it. He has been talking about committing suicide now for like almost a month. I had mentioned in an earlier post that the better I do the worse he gets. When we were still living together he had me soooooo beat down on a daily basis that I wasn't able to work or do anything constructive outside of the home. I was able to take care of my kids and that was about it. He knew how much he was keeping me down and he loved it. That was one of the main reasons that I had to get out. Like I said I got up the courage to actually do that. I know that he thought that I would NEVER leave. NEVER!!

He just had such an arrogance about that whole part of our situation that when I actually packed all my stuff and put it into storage he was beyond floored. I had wanted to get out for such a long time but I had no other options and he knew that. When it finally worked out that I could get a place of my own he was devastated. And at this point it wasn't even a victory for me so to speak as much as it was a seriouse lifeline that something actually panned out for me and the kids. We desperately needed to be out of that environment. So slowly I have tried to pick up the pieces of what I call my life and start over for the kids and I in a lot of different ways. It has taken me almost 6 months to get to a normal level of living. But the gnarly part like I said before is the better I do the more he falls apart. And yes he has actually been talking about committing suicide for almost a month now. I do and don't believe him. I don't know what to think anymore. I am afraid to totally turn my back on him for obviouse reasons. I am so confused anymore I don't know what to think, and I am so sick of feeling manipulated by his disorder and being taken advantage of that I am numb half the time and really depressed the other. I know there is a good amount of information on the internet on his disorder and I have researched it at length but I still feel like there is so much more that I don't know and I know that knowledge is something that will help me to deal with all of this in a more clear headed way. When we first found out that he has NPD it was like being set free from like 10,000 demons torturing you daily. Your last post was so dead on that it was amazing to read and feel like I am getting feed back from people who are aware of what a twisted disorder this is. I appreciate every line of advice, I really really do.

I really don't know what to think about the threats he keeps making about killing himself. HIs birthday is on Feb. 6th and he keeps saying that he is going to do this on his birthday. I keep telling him to stop saying stuff like that and that he isn't seriouse but I am really starting to wonder. I don't know who to talk to about it either. I don't know if that is something I should be doing or not. I am on edge all the time though because I don't want to talk to him most of the time but if I don't talk to him or we don't make contact with eachother from him or me I start to wonder if he did something stupid. And worst of all, as much of a tortured soul that he is, some times I think that the only peace he will ever have in this life is after he is not on this earth anymore. I just wish that God would do something for him, me, our kids, all of it. Something has to give somewhere. Please keep posting advice. I really need it, more than anyone knows. Eileen.

[Eileen101]

I just wanted to add that I am also very aware that Narcisists are famouse for wanting to committ suicide and that they use that as a way to manipulate people so that they can get the Narcistic supply that they need but I am still concerned about him. He really has been quite depressed for some time now and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In the past when he has gone through bouts of depression it hasn't lasted this long. Of course during the holidays he is or has always has been really down but this year it hasn't ended. I just want to know that he will come out of it. I am not putting him before me like I have done so much of in the past but I don't want him to do something stupid. I just wish he could get the help that he so desperately needs.

[Juliana]

I know that everyone uses the term "narcissistic supply," but I really hate it, so I won't be using it. I think it dehumanizes the narcissistic person. They are not getting some weird thing called "supply" from you; they are getting love. That they don't know what to do with it or how to return it doesn't make it something else.

 

I know however that I am probably alone in feeling that narcissists should be seen as real people, who have real selves that are twisted by the disorder, so if everyone else wants to continue to refer to them in those terms and as getting something called "supply," rather than love, feel free. I just won't.

 

You said it was a relief when "we found out" he was a narcissist. Does he accept that he is a narcissist? Is he getting any therapy for this? He is such a cookie-cutter narcissist, as you say, but they all are. I had no qualms with your description of him as such, which is very rare for me, because true narcissists are really all the same, they all exhibit hallmark behaviours that identify them. It's the disorder you're seeing, not the real self. And you have gone on to confirm that initial feeling; he never thought you'd leave him -- well, no narcissist does.

 

If he's suicidal, and at the bottom, this is actually the time that has the most potential for him to break out of the narcissism. This is a time when he might question himself, which is virtually impossible for a narcissist under normal circumstances. Strike while the iron is hot, while his narcissistic defenses are down (all his narcissism is a giant defense mechanism to protect himself from the damaging environment he grew up in). Tell him that he needs to see a therapist and commit himself to an in-patient program so that he can work his way out of this morass he is in, emotionally, and begin to live fully again. Don't focus on his failure, focus on the life he can have if he gets better. This will appeal to his narcissism, and might move him to agree to go into a hospital or mental facility.

 

It's highly unlikely that he will kill himself -- narcissists virtually never do -- but that he is setting a date may force him to kill himself in order to fulfill his own self-image. If he has a therapist, contact that person and discuss this with them.

[Eileen101]

I agree with you about the term Narcisistic Supply, it really is a very cold term. And no he is not doing anything about his diagnosis. He was diagnosed and then he walked away. I think that he was really relieved to know that he actually has a real disorder and that he isn't just "crazy" but at the same time I think he has been really devastated by it. He has steadily gone down hill since then (about 2 half months ago) I know that he wants to get some help for it but he also knows that it would require a great deal of work and committment and he is definitley not one to committ himself to anything but work and making money. That is one of the reasons that I think that he would shirk at the idea of doing an in patient program. BUT.... I hadn't even thought of that and I think that that is a great idea. I am going to start mentioning that to him and see what type of response I get. I feel the exact same way about him picking out a date to do this (his birthday) because he is very much the type of person to fulfill any type of "thing" that he says he going to do. I keep trying to be as supportive as possible without over doing it or making an issue out of it. I have learned how to "deal" him in a rounded out way. I want him to know that he doesn't have fullfill anything just because he said he was going to. I am just wondering if there is anyway to do some type of intervention if I feel like I really need to?? I would appreciate any type of input you can give me on this. I am very grateful for the input everyone is giving me to date. Thank you so much, God Bless you all, Eileen.

 

P.S. And for the wether or not he accepts that he is a Narcisist or not, yes I believe he does, He actually won't say either way but I can see and have seen a significant change in him since he was told that that was his disorder. He is just not dealing with it. Not at all.