I need advice on finally ending it.

[Juliana]

Six months of daily therapy would literally change his life, but it has to be right now, while his defenses are down. If he meets someone new, or otherwise finds a way to repair his narcissistic function, bluntly put, he's scr*wed. Yes, it's difficult to hear that one has a personality disorder -- if you couldn't see in colour, and never had been able to, because your parents damaged your eyes at birth, and someone proved to you that everyone else could see this mysterious thing "colour" where you could only see greys, wouldn't that be horrifying? To feel so different, and alone, and deficient?

 

The irony is, of all the personality disorders, narcissism is the one that most easily converts to strengths. They don't suffer from their setbacks as much as normal people do. They don't get depressed as easily. They tend to be driven and successful. They tend to be intelligent. They have alot going for them, they just can't get it into gear. Honestly, it's almost better to be slightly narcissistic than to be "normal," in terms of self-satisfaction and quality of life overall. The problem isn't so much his narcissism, as the degree of it. He's just too narcissistic to take pleasure in his life.

 

Get him into a program if you can; his life could be so much better, so easily. He just needs to learn how to make his narcissism work for him.

 

But if you can't, accept that that is the decision he has made. Ultimately, if we love someone, we have to allow that there is only so much we can do to help them. You've made strides in rebuilding a new life for yourself, and that's great. It's difficult to watch someone who is crippled inside trying to walk, trying to live, but we have to do it. There's simply no other way. And don't feel guilty for letting him go; it's really the only way he can begin to get better, if he can just make that choice.

[luvmykids]

Oh my! this is sooo what IM dealing with..I posted earlier today looking for some advice on how to get my ex out of my personal life.....the stronger i get the worse he gets...I even posted in the NC challenge (in the getting back together thread) that NC isnt working..the more i do NC the worse it gets.

WOW, great post and thanks for the insight!

[limeorchid]

I have been dealing with a family member whom has NPD.

 

I wish they were not family because I would just end it otherwise.

 

I read "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissist" as well as a few other books.

I loved this book though!!! Clear, easy read with great tips on how to deal as well as clear metaphpors.

 

I also have done a great deal or research into dealing with boundaries. So far, I have seen progress.

 

I wish you success. NPD's can make you so angry you want to spit. In my expirence though, I could care less a week later. So, if you do find yourself in a tissy about something, try to enjoy the feelings, they are a part of you. And know...

This too shall pass.

[Eileen101]

See that is the thing that amazes me. I think that there are so many more people that deal with this disorder that don't even know what they are actually dealing with. Finding answers and listening to others speak about how they are affected by the same thing is a great way to lift that huge feeling of burden. I actually talked to him for a long time on the phone tonight and I really tried to get him to be open to the idea of counseling. I told him that it was NOT for me and that I would support him through it as much as I possibly could. I really do think that he heard me even if he wasn't really trying to let it show. I told him that I would research it for him and give him the name of someone who could help him and that he deserved that chance. I just told him that if he tried it and it was NOT working that he didn't have to pursue it. I basically said what do you have to lose?? I really do think that he was somewhat open to it. I just need to find the right person to counsel him in our area. He didn't like who he was talking to before. I will look and see what I can come up with. The above posts help a great deal and I will keep posting on here to let everyone know how it is going. Thank you, so much. And Julianna I really like the way that you describe Narcisists. It gives it a whole different feeling instead of a hopeless bad feeling. I will check out some of these books as well. Thank you everyone, Eileen.

[Eileen101]

So I actually made more effort to try and get him to seek counseling and I also made some phone calls to friends and such to let them in on more of whats been going on and even talked about trying to do some type of intervention. I actually think that that is something that he would respond to.. I just think that if he saw some sincere care from his friends and family that he may actually take that step to getting the help he needs. Got any feed back on this? Or does that seem like a bad idea?? I don't want him to feel threatened by that. I guesse I am saying that I wouldn't want it to backfire. Someone tell me what they think, thanks, Eileen.

[Juliana]

It really depends on how people approach him. Things like this can go badly wrong and do more damage than ever. In general, I never involve anyone else if I can help it, because very few families are actually able to intervene in a truly loving and accepting way.

 

The fact is, he can't be strong-armed into choosing to help himself. He has to make that decision. And it's tempting to imagine that we can wave a wand and make everything better for them, but until they are committed to changing their lives and being proactive about it, there's no point. If they're not onboard, they won't do the work.

 

You need to disengage from "trying" to help him, and let him choose to help himself, while you get on with your life. You can tell him what you think when he contacts you -- don't contact him yourself -- but I wouldn't do anything beyond that. You know him, and I don't, but I do know that healing is a choice that people make for themselves.

[stormie1]

Hang in there Eileen! I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you. I would tell you to run but, I know where you are in your heart. Do what's best for you and your family. Keep them close and safe from harms way. I will say a prayer for ya'll.

[Eileen101]

Thanks guys, I am hearing every word. I will really make sure that I am sure about any choices that I make regarding what the best way to handle things. I think you are very right Julianna, I need to let him make that choice and just separate myself from trying to "fix" it. I have such a hard time with that! REALLY> I know what I need to do when it comes to that but there has been many times when he has been down and out and I was there for him and it did make a difference and I hate to feel like I could have done more for someone and I didn't. I know I cant save the world and I dont want to have a saviour complex but I care for people just for being human a lot of the time and I over extend myself to people. I know I do this and it is something that I have to work on all the time. I have to remind myslef all the time to have bounderies to live by. The invisible lines that we cannot see and just have to learn to feel. I am so glad that I can get such great feed back on here. I will post agian later, Eileen. Thanx for your support and prayers. Your all great people.

[Eileen101]

I have been so sad tonight. I talked to my x for a long time on the phone tonight and it was soooooo sad. He really has resolved himself to ending it. He really did explain to me in depth why he feels he needs/wants to do this. I know that he meant it. I can tell that he really is seriouse about doing this. I am beside myself. I don't think I have ever felt a sadness like this before. He said that he can't try anymore and that he knows that the most genuine thing he has is the understanding that he cant continue to let everyone around him down. I am terrified of what he is saying and doing. He said that he is tying up all his "loose ends". Financially and however else and I feel totally powerless to do anything for him or about where he is at. I can't just sit by and wait. I am trying to figure out what to do. The main thing that he said was that he has no desire to change or to get better emotionally or mentally. I need someone to tell me what to do. I need to call his family and try to make something happen. I need help with this. I am so scared.

[Eileen101]

I am at work right now and I just feel so sad and overwhelmed. I don't know how to feel and I feel like I am not doing what I need to do. I wish there was someone that I could talk to that could point me in the right direction. I want to know if there is anything that I can do to srop him from doing this or trying to do this. Isn't there some way that I can have him admitted somewhere. He is such a headstrong person I do not doubt that he would go through with his plan of action. I just want him to get some help. Does anyone know anything when it comes to that!! I just need some sort of suggestion.

[need2bme]

What do you mean by

 

I don't know how to feel and I feel like I am not doing what I need to do. I wish there was someone that I could talk to that could point me in the right direction.

 

???

 

Do you mean a counselor? An attorney?

 

N2B

[Eileen101]

See thats just it. I don't know who to talk to in order to find out what my options are. I know that there are certain laws regarding protecting someone who is suicidal. I just don't know where to get that information. I am sure that I can research it to a certain degree online but I want information that is related directly to my situation with him. I am the only person that could even be considered someone that would have some sort of control of him if he needed to be committed or what have you. I don't know what else to do to stop him from doing something to harm himself. I talked to his brother today and I got him to come visit for the evening. I was really glad that he came and I could tell that my guy was happy he was here. It was just something to make things feel somewhat normal for a little while. I also had an old friend go by his work and see him for a little while. I guesse in my own way I am trying to create some sort of support system for him to maybe help him not feel so alone right now.

We just had another mini conversation about why he is choosing to do this and this is what he says: I am doing everyone a favor by removing myself from the picture. I am evil and I have no desire to change. I know that I am not doing any good for anyone. My kids are going to be way better off without me in the picture. I can't give them what they need. I told him that he is a coward for taking the easy way out and he says that he knows that and that he doesn't care.

I need to stop thinking about this so much and maybe it will get better. I just don't know anymore. I really don't.

[Juliana]

Again, you have to realize that you have no control over someone else. If he is going to kill himself, I don't believe you can stop him. Therapists who work with personality-disordered patients accept going in that they will lose a certain number of their patients to suicide. They accept those losses as part of their human limitations. And that's what you have to do. I can't promise you that he won't kill himself if you do this or that; no one can. He has to find that faith to go on living himself. He has to find that courage to accept help himself.

 

Of course, he is wrong; he is not evil -- evil is not something human beings can be, it is only something they can do. And his kids will suffer horribly for the rest of their lives if he kills himself. My mother died when I was young; I know what the effects of losing a parent are, even a selfish, self-involved parent. But you'll heal. His kids will adapt. And he'll still be dead. It's a waste, really.

 

In dealing with the personality-disordered, the most important thing you can do for yourself, and for your kids, is to begin to recognize where he ends, and you begin. Recognize your boundaries. Recognize that it is okay that he makes self-destructive choices that you cannot heal or prevent. Recognize that he is fully capable of living his own life, and that if he chooses not to do this, that's not your responsibility. Ironically, when you draw back from this enmeshment with him, you will begin to be able to really feel and really love again. You don't have to enforce those boundaries right now, but you will find enormous relief just in knowing they exist.

 

He may be entirely sincere and determined in his statements about wanting to kill himself. Rather than criticize him and calling him a coward (which he actually enjoys), point away from those emotions and towards positive actions by saying, "it's a shame you feel that way, it would be so much better for you if you went into treatment." Don't go down the road of how awful the suicide is, etc. etc., but rather continuously turn the conversation towards his need for treatment, without pleading or cajoling. It's his decision. You can point it out, over and over, but he has to do something about it. He doesn't get that yet.

 

Btw, all those times in the past when you were there for him, and it made a difference, I'm sure it did, but the difference it made was in him choosing to get up and keep going. If he chooses now not to benefit from the good in his life, that's his decision, and not your fault. Don't confuse where your boundaries are; don't confuse his choices with your actions. Narcissists are not our children, even though it often feels that way.

[Eileen101]

Once again Juliana you are very "on Point" with all that you said in that last post and it is all so good to hear. I know all of that deep down inside but I usually choose to keep following my unhealthy pattern of trying to fix or change something that really isn't my battle. It is his. I know that a big part of that is me wanting to see him get "better" not just for himself but most of all for his kids. I continually think about what you said about the kids. I know that his oldest would be so scarred for the rest of her life. That is a no brainer but when I really let my mind go there, it is sheer hell. I did finally tell him the last time that we talked "you have to do what ever it is that you have to do" His response was "thank you!" a really relieved answer that I was no longer trying to sway him in any type of direction. It all just starts to even feel somewhat silly after a while. Like a dog chasing its tail type of thing. He actually made the comment the other day that he knows that his maturity level is way below what it should be. I know that that has a great deal to do with where he is and will continue to be. I am sure if he did get the counseling he needs that that would get better as well. I have actually started to let go and I am ok with that. I know that I have been there for him just like you said and that it has been a source of comfort for him for whatver it is worth. I know that he knows that someone cares for him and that is all I ever hoped for when it comes to that. I will just keep him in my prayers and just be supportive as much as I can be without wiping myself out. I am not going to look to far into the future anymore because all that does is tear me down and keep me fearful of stuff I have no control over. Everything works out the way it is supposed to...... I really do believe that, even if it is hard to see stuff that I don't want to. I will post agian in a few days just to let you guys know how its going. Good nite, Eileen.

[Eileen101]

I havent posted for a while for a few different reasons. I havent really needed to as my situation has or had improved. Or so I thought. I thought I really had made some headway in our situation or his situation with the suicide problem. I had really tried to make the situation better with a variety of solutions to aleviate or help him with his depression. His birthday has come and gone on the 6th and I was happy that that was over. Well today was the day from hell. Actually it started last night. He was very annoyed with me last night. He received some paper work in the mail yesterday for child support issues and that started him off. It didn't help any that he was being petty and jelouse about some other stuff from earlier in the day as well. He was being really mean and hurtful last night and i just tried to blow it off. I thought "ok, here we go agian but it'll pass. Well come this morning and it was 10 times worse. I had to go to an appointment early this morning and then I had a class to go to, which I had an exam in. I was really tired from being up late studying and he knew that. He actually used that to his sick advantage. He started in on me about not taking the kids with me to my appointment and went on a tyrade. Threw me out of the house and wouldn't even let me into the house to get the rest of my stuff. I was so shocked that he was acting the way that he was. why? I don't know. That is when I hate myself. I had to take my kids to my moms so that she could get them ready for me and drop them off at daycare so I could get to class on time. Well when she saw that I was upset (agian)...... she was very annoyed with me for being here once agian. I understand why she feels the way that she does but she did not help the situation at all. She started going off on me as well. Basically she let me have it for still talking to him and being in the same situation agian and for having the kids around it all. The "drama" as she put it. But she was truly very cruel and only made me feel 10 times lower than I already did. I ended up going back to her house to get my kids back so that I could take them and drop them off myself. It didn't help any that she was hung over from drinking her beer last night. I was late to school but luckily for me my instructor had postponed our quiz and gave us a trial one to see how ready we were. My eyes were swollen like golf balls. I was humiliated in every way today. Not to mention that I had gone grocery shopping last night and spent the little bit of money that I had left on groceries for him and I and the kids ( including his which he has this weekend starting tonight) which I ended up leaving behind and have no intention of going back for. He ended up calling me at around 5 tonight and I didn't know it was him when I answered the phone and he was trying to be real nice and was telling me that I could come pick up any of the food that I wanted to and I hung up on him. He tried to call me back a couple of hrs later and I told him off on the phone and hung up on him again. I didn't even let him speak this time and I told him not to call me anymore. I just really need to stay away from him and how abusive he is. I just seem to forget how bizarre and strange he can be and it goes well for a while and then wham! He gets me again. I should have known that it was coming last night when he turned really sour on me. I just thought that he would snap out of it. He said some really awful stuff and that only cut me even deeper. You would think that I would have learned by now. I just don't seem to have that simple thing that most other people do. I don't know how to do what is right for myself when it comes to him and I. I am always last and I cant make healthy decisions when it comes to my welfare or wellbeing. I keep putting him and all his needs before my own and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know why I do that in the first place much less know how to make it stop. I am sure if I could figure out why I keep doing what I am doing when it comes to him I would then be able to stop it and get on with my life.

It isn't even as though I expect anything from this person at all. I know that he is not capable of loving anyone and I gave up on any hope of that a long time I ago. I don't think I ever even considered that as an option or a possibility when it came to us. I have only ever wanted him to at least be decent to me as a person. A friend. It really did sink in today that I will never even get that. He is going to do exactly the opposite of anything that I even remotely want or wish or hope for. He hates me and he lets me know that when ever he gets the chance. I keep trying to change that and I don't know why. The more I try to make that different the more he is that way or treats me that way. I know that he just hates me for being. Or for existing. I can't understand why a person could be that hateful of another person. Especially when all I have ever done is try to be there for him and or support him or show him care and concern. It just baffles me to no end. He goes out of his way daily in small measures to tear me down and make me feel useless and worthless and I think that i keep trying to regain me sense of self by making it stop. I keep trying to gain control over the person that is controlling me. A really viscious cycle that will never end. The tricky part is that there are times when things are really good and that is what I hold onto. I have never been abused this bad before him and I know that it will only get worse. I carry around an immense amount of guilt everyday because of this and especially for the fact that my kids are around this stuff. What kind of mom exposes her children to all of this abuse? I am not thinking about them enough. I try to and it just isn't enough. They need so much more from me and I know this and I still keep doing this. I keep praying and asking God to take it all away and it never makes a difference. I know athat there is a saying that God will never give us anymore than what we can handle but I am really starting to wonder. After today I am really starting to feel like I am going to crack. I can't take anymore.

 

Well any feedback or input anyone has is welcomed as always. I am used to brutal honesty so if there is something that anyone would like to say dont hesitate or hold back. Heck I am used to it by now. Let me have it straight and maybe someone can tell me something I so desperately need to hear to make the lights go on in an otherwise dark area of my mind. Take care everyone and good nite. Eileen.

[Eileen101]

I know that I was told that I cannot use the NC technique with my partner because he is a Narcisist but I am going to start trying with today being day one. I understand that with a narcisist when you try and stop all contact that they pursue you harder because they will not have someone dictate to them that it is over or that they are no longer an interest to you/me, whatever but...... I have no other option at this point, again. There simply isn't any other option. I really did realize something yesterday. I cannot take anymore. I am going to crack if I continue to let this person screw with my head and my heart. My life is so dark with him in it. And most of the time I don't even really realize how sad and down trodden I am because I live with it on such a regular basis that feeling this way has become a way of life for me. Even if I don't get anywhere for like a year at least I am doing the work, feeling the pain and living each day without this person bashing me on a regular basis. I am not afraid to be alone so much as I am worried about what he will make me deal with. No doubt it is going to be painful seeing or knowing that he is with someone new and I know how he operates. He will go out of his way to make sure that I know about that and he will try and make it as difficult as possible for me. That is the thing that I try to make certain family members that it really isn't about being alone. I have been alone for extended periods of time before, you get loney, no big deal! It is the torment that he is going to try and put me through for choosing not to be with him anymore that really freaks me out. That messes with my head and he knows it. I just have to work out a mindset that will keep me one, two or three levels higher than all his games so that he cant get inside my head. I have never had anyone have this much of a hold on me before so that is my dilema. I know i keep saying that and I sound like a broken record but that is the truth. He is such a wicked person when he really wants to be and if you set him off hard enough he will come after you with a vengance. you would think that knowing this about this person would be reason enough to keep me away from someone like this but once you are involved past a certain point with someone like him you are pretty much in too deep and it litterally takes everything you have to get out and I still havent been able to do that for seven yrs now. He can be such a viciouse person and I know this and I have tried to no end to get him to agree to parting like civilized adults and not to be gnarly about the whole thing but he just will not do that. So then I ask myself what is the worst he can do to you Eileen. Kill you? I mean come on, really that is just a bit over the top!! So I just have to make myslef endure the torture and torment that he is going to send my way. I will have to pay the piper so to speak and when that is over with then I will know that I will just have to deal with him being a hater. I don't know how it will work out with us having kids together. If I know him like I think I do then I will probably not have to deal with that end of it. He really does not like children so I probly wont have to deal with him on that end. So really........ let it begin. This is day ONE=]=]

[Eileen101]

Why did the post edit the word as a bad word????? I had to revise it as I have received an e mail from enotalone about using slang terms that were considered bad words?? SO i am very careful now about how I term things. But that wasn't right. Why did it edit out a word that wasn't a bad word??? Anyone?

[FloridaStorm]

Hi, Eileen-

I just wanted you to know that I, too, know what it's like to feel trapped in the narcissist's web.

I have been in a tangled mess of a relationship for many years. Our relationship, especially since I've realized what he truly is, has been mostly a nightmare for me. I've struggled to get him to love me the way I need to be loved, only to end up feeling put down, let down, and that my needs are insignificant compared to his.

Many, many times I've asked myself why I've stayed. The only reasons I can find mostly involve my own codependent tendencies. I just can't seem to stop myself from wanting to "help" him and make myself feel needed. Only problem is, no matter how much I work my tail off for him, all I get are crumbs in return. His needs come first, and they always will. I know that I'm ready to end it, but there's a hard road ahead, and it ain't gonna be pretty.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that I support you, and I'm pulling for you.

[Eileen101]

That is what I was hoping for, not to hear that someone esle is unfortunate enough to be caught up in the hellish nightmare of a relationship like mine but to actually connect with someone that really knows what what it is like to be with a narcisist. Not to diminsh what other people go through in regular relationships but until you have been with a narcisist does someone truly understand what it is like to be involved with what I call a truly disturbed individual. FloridaStorm I am sure all of what I have written here is all to familiar to you and everything you said was dead on the money. And yes it is what you would call a web that you get trapped in and cannot get out of. And the whole part that you mentioned about working your tail off for this person and for next to nothing in return. It is almost so perplexing that that is one of the main reasons that you cannot pull yourself out of the relationship. Not to mention that I have already broken NC. I have never done so much for one person in my entire life. It is like you said all those codependent tendencies. But even more so than the average codependent person. And the description of "crumbs" in return is such an accurate way to describe what the exchange is between us and them. I don't know about you but whenever I try to "end it" it only heats up that much more. He goes out of his way to contact me or pursue me. I am sure that it is the same for you. I do think in some small measure or twisted way that they do love us, to the best of thier empty sick and twisted nature. I have heard that there are forums and support groups for just this but i havent found any yet. I always end up feeling like "why would I want to find a support group for somehthing that I need to get the heck away from or out of. That should be my support group to mysef!! I dont know why we let them put all thier needs before ours. It is really self abuse to continually let someone bump us out of our own lives everyday and to accept that as an actual way of life. But it is that constant inner battle that is more maddening than anything else. Because if we are somewhat intelligent, and I can tell you are!=] we will always know that our situation is not ok. And never will be. That is really hard. I am sure that you are just like me on this one. I will always feel like I owe him something and I Know I don't. I am not obligated to him in anyway. But somehow after all this time he still manages to make me feel that way. If I could just figure that out then I would be able to get past that. Please keep in contact with me so that we can shoulder support for one another. Talk to you again! Eileen.

[Eileen101]

Well it has been pretty quiet around here lately and that is nice for a change but I know that will not last. I am sure that there is something waiting around the corner, it is just a matter of "what"? I know I shouldn't say negative stuff like that but I am so used to the junk that what we go thru that I don't expect anything to be any different now. He has actually been bieng pretty decent. Really laid back lately. Maybe he is starting to mature a little bit finally. That would be fantastic but I wont hold my breath.

 

I actually went to my first counseling session on friday of lastweek. That was a trip. I have never done that before. I have always wanted to seek some sort of therapy but it just never happened. I think the time is right right now though. I am open to being open in a way that I couldn't have been before now. Everything has its time I guesse. She wasnt my actual counselor, she was just an assessor. She wanted to see what level I am at as far as my own thoughts on conditions in my life and where I see myself currently so that she could get me connected with someone who was right for me. I am not really looking forword to spilling it all but then I know that without that part of it I cant get a healthy daignosis on me and what I need to work on and how I can improve my life.

 

I finally decided to drop one of my classes today. I havent been doing well in one of my classes and it has been stressing me out. I am really hard on myself also so I tend to beat myslef up when I shouldn't be. I knew I needed to drop the class but it was really hard for me to do for some reason. When I went into the main office to d that I had to fill out a paper and turn it in to the receptionist so she could enter it into the computer and after I did that I felt sooooooooooooooo much better. I am so relieved. I dont have to stress over some stupid class that doensn't matter!! I can focus on my other classes now that do matter!

 

I will keep posting to let everyone know how it is going! PEACE! E.

[Eileen101]

Wow, it has been a really long time since I was on here and at this point I don't even think that my posting is even in the right place. I should probably be posting in a different area. I am so exasperated and don't know where to turn and need to find some sort of outlet and form of help or support that will help my boyfriend get the help that he needs. He is soooooooo jacked up right not that I littereally had to run out of the house with the kids last night at like 11:00 to make sure that he didn't do what I have been saying we have been battling for the last 3 months heavily. I know that he thinks seriously about killing himself daily and I keep begging him to hold on. I keep trying to come up with some form of hope and something for him to hold on to and there just doesn't seem to be anything that I can say or do that is compelling enough to keep him from being sooooo down. I know that he needs clinical help and I don't know if there is a way for me do get him to admit himself somehwere and maybe try to get past this place that he cant seem to overcome. I don't know anymore. I need to figure something out, I just don't know what. Does anyone have any suggestions at all????? ANything????? PLEASE TELL ME ANYTHING!!!! EILEEN>

[Hope75]

Eileen,

 

I am really worried for you that you had to take your kids out in the middle of the night to get away from this man. It is almost as though you have taken on a fourth child, but one who you cannot control and who is dragging you all over the place.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you can't force your guy to admit himself for psychiatric help if that is not what he wants for himself... and I don't get the impression from you that he is interested in getting help- only in manipulating your guilt to keep you around. He is an adult- you are NOT responsible for him... but you are responsible for those children that you had to drag out in the middle of the night to get away from him.

 

Do you honestly think this is a safe and stable environment for children, or for their mother? What were you afraid he would do if you did not leave?

[Eileen101]

Im sorry, I wasn't very clear on what I was saying in my last post exactly. When I said I had to run out of the house with the kids at like11:00 the other night what I was saying is that I had to leave my own place quickly enough to get to his place so that he didn't do something stupid as in suicidal. I was at home and him and I were on the phone and he started crying hysterically and was saying that he just can't hang on for much longer. His life is unmanagable emotionally and he can't keep feeling the way that he does daily. I have never heard him that upset and I really did feel like he was so on the edge and that he couldn't be by himself at that time. I am convinced that I am going to find him dead. I know that he needs to get help and most likely admitt himself to some sort of facility but I don't know where or what he should consider as far as a program for depression. I am not the one in danger at this point, so sorry if I wasn't clear on what that was actually about. I wish I had more information or knew where to get more information about programs that he could look into for therapy or counseling. I think that he actually needs to be institutionalized. Like a program that he could litterally check himself into. But where??? See that is where I keep feeling frustrated. I don't know what or where he should go. That is the information that I don't have. If you know anything about that please let me know what you can, I appreciate it, Thank You so much, Eileen.

[Hope75]

Hi Eileen,

 

This is a very big responsibility for you to try and take on... and you really aren't going to be able to help him unless he's willing to commit to it himself.

 

If he's feeling unsafe and wanting to kill himself, you can drive him to any Emergency Room and they can evaluate him psychiatrically and if need be they can commit him either voluntarily or involuntarily depending on what they determine on his assessment and get him to an inpatient unit where he may get the help he needs. But you will have to get him there... and that is going to take consent on his part, unless he actually hurts himself and then you should call 911. I am fairly certain that a majroity of inpatient psych admissions come from the ER.

 

Are you quite certain that this is something that you want and are prepared to take on?

 

Taking little children out in the middle of the night to check on someone's safety who is bent on harming themselves is not your responsibility.... and you have the children as your priority.

 

Just some things to think about.

[bacci]

Eileen,

I don't know to what degree this man is considering suicide but romancing with the idea is just as serious, and there might be some manipulative behavior involved, but in many cases suicidal people do communicate their intentions, at some level seeking help. So, yes, he definitley needs professional help, only a professional can determine the seriousness of his depression and intervene. In California if someone threatens suicide you can call the police telling them that this person is threatening suicide, they do have the authority to institutionalize him under something called Baker's Act, for involuntary commitment they don't need his consent, if the police determines he is in danger of hurting himself or has actually taken some action then they take him to a psychiatric unit for observation and emergency treatment. He would be faced with what happens to people who don't take control of their life, he would see how bad it can get it could be a reality check if he's romancing with death and he can get a real evaluation by someone trained that he cannot manipulate, he'd be started on medication which seems to be what he needs right now. See, the medicine doesn't take the place of the therapy, but in order for your words or anyone elses to get through the maze of mental confusion and depression the medications must be there to lift this cloudiness a bit, enought to make progress with therapy.

I wish you all the best, this is an impossible situation for you, and it is very sad that your boyfriend is so depressed, my heart feels for all of you, but I agree that your first responsibility are your children and you must shelter them from this situation if he continues to deny help. Your children must not be the innocent victims here, God forbid he did carry out his threats and you drive to his place too late, with the kids having to wait in the car while the police shows up to clear the mess, then what happens in their little minds?

Take care and again, all the best of luck handling this very difficult situation.

Bacci