Stop Me From Breaking NC!!!!!

[krnelson2]

GFI- I know exactly where you are coming from. When me and my ex broke up I constantly checked her Facebook, but why? What was I looking for? Everything I found I totally overanalyzed and it just hurt me more. Some guy posted a message on her account joking about her boyfriend...IT KILLED ME TO READ THAT. I immediately called her and asked her about it. SHe didnt answer so I texted her and told her how I felt. Turns out it was just a friend that pretended to be her boyfriend to get her away from some creepy guy at the bar. She was angry at me for even thinking that.

 

The point is, 99.9999999999% of the stuff you see on these websites means nothing at all. Yes it is a public site and everybody can see what she is up to. So there is no need to tell her you know what she is doing. She knows you can see her site, and if she didnt want you to then she would block you. I still cant stop checking my ex's facebook just to check in, I wish I could but I'm not that strong yet.

 

I would take anything that is said on Facebook with a grain of salt and let it go. She may be trying to make you jealous...Or she may be trying to get a response from you...But the worst thing you can do right now is respond.

 

Instead keep with NC (and it sounds like thats what you want to do) because her not hearing from you when she expects it will make her think and wonder why you arent being affected by this. Even if you are DO NOT LET HER KNOW THAT.

 

You have said all the right things in your posts that you dont want to break NC. SO DONT DO IT... please trust me on this it will not bring you anything good. Get help for yourself right now, and begin to move on.

 

I can tell you one thing...The minute you start to move on and she sees that you are happy and have let go. SHE WILL COME BACK! trust me. Hang in there and DONT BREAK NC. Your stronger than that. Peace -KR

[Lady Bugg]

Dale I understand it too..I really do, but sometimes a little reality check needs to be interjected. Sometimes we are so consumed with obsessive thoughts that we can think of NOTHING else.

 

My point is that everyone is basically saying the same thing. BACK OFF!!!!

STOP worrying what she's doing. The OP has a history of abusive behavior...

and even though he is not in her face doing it right now...the tendency is STILL there. This is proof he NEEDS to stay AWAY from her..and yes that includes "checking in" on her!!!! He is stalking her from afar....that is no better than sitting outside her window.

[GoingForIt_77]

Yo, thanks Daletron man. It's good to have someone tell me they understand, rather than calling me crazy, obsessive, a creep, etc....

 

I am REALLY just respecting her wishes NOW. Why? Because I love her and am doing what she asked of me, while doing what I said I would do for ME, which is seek out help, which I have been.

 

Again, what rules me now, in regards to her facebook, is the fear of losing her if I don't confront her, but it's that fear, which is really a lack of control over my emotions and acting solely based on them, that pushed her away from me to begin with and if I did that now, even knowing what I know, then she WILL feel justfied and validated in having made the RIGHT decision.

 

MY actions now (at least what she CAN SEE) are giving her nothing but respect and nothing less than that.

[GoingForIt_77]

krnelson2, thanks a bunch!!!

 

That was all-inspiring and very encouragin and is exactly what I needed to hear.

 

What does worry me though is that I met her on myspace, so she does take it offline. That's in her nature...Furthermore, I don't have a profile of my own, so for all intents and purposes, she doesn't know it's me. I have a dummy account. Yes, she may realize that I can still see her account, but I don't think she is doing it to make me jealous, but more so to keep her from going back on the decision she made..

 

I'm starting to see that what I'm doing here is NO different then what she is doing on there and if I am obsessing, then so is she by having added 350 people and chatting up a STORM at all hours!!

 

Yes, this will NOT be the deciding factor in wanting to contact her. FEAR will not guide me anylonger. I have to kill the fear.

[GoingForIt_77]

Ellie, no need to apologize for the multiple posts. It IS helping me.

 

I agree with you that confronting her on this will validate and justify to her that she HAS made the right decision. In the relationship for the most part, I would act/react based on my emotions and on impulse, rather than stepping back and controlling my thoughts and not trying to control her.

 

The worst thing I can do is use this as a means, or reason to contact her. It will be the death of me and her completely. I have to be accepting of what she is doing now and show her that I respect the space she asked for, regardless of what she is doing during that time...

[SuperDave71]

Goingforit_77,

 

 

Hey...

 

 

The fact she is on "Facebook" is NOT the issues whatsoever....I personally cannot stand MySpace and Facebook....and how I have seen people get allll worked up because they are NOT one someone's "friend" list.

 

WHO CARES!!

 

If she needs space...GIVE IT TO HER. IF she wants a break...GIVE IT TO HER.

 

WHat is difficult about this? If someone said..."Pick up the pen on the desk to write with. It's right in front of you" and you asked What do I write with and where is it?" ..Would basically tell ANYONE..you were NOT listening OR you only wanted to hear what you wanted to hear.

 

"I need space" does NOT mean..call me all the time...IM me all the time.. come over unannounced all ya want and please text me.

 

NOOO NOOO NOOOOO!

 

I she needs space the LAST thing you need to do is CONTACT HER!

 

I you truly love her..you will listen to her...if not..Go ahead and obsess and push her away completely.

 

 

Don't say I didn't warn you..

 

 

 

Be careful.

 

 

SuperDave71

[GoingForIt_77]

Hey Dave, it looks like you're not reading my posts man.

 

I HAVE been respcting her since the breakup in that I NEVER once asked her to come back, or reconsider. Sure I kept up LC from Wednesday to Monday, but my intentions during that time were to show her how serious I was about getting help and admitting to my wrong doing and showing her that I understood what she was going through and I DO...

 

Since Monday, I have practiced NC because of her having asked me that same day that she needs a little space. I did NOT argue with her. I did NOT ask her why, or tell her that I LOVE her and ask her to reconsider, as so MANY on here have and still do, which is the WORST thing that can be done and what will assuredly get you the Heisman RIGHT AWAY...i.e. "I NEVER want to have any contact with you ever again".

 

I have shown her nothing but respect now and do take her seriously and I hope that she knows deep down how serious I am about getting help. Will that bring her back to me? Maybe not. Will that allow her to feel comfortable enough with me to have contact with me in the not too distant future? Maybe.

 

I am NOT going to cave in and contact her because of her activity on and off her facebook account. It's a test of will here. I am liking the fact that I am strong enough NOT to cave in right now and go in prematurely, even in the face of fear of losing her forever.

[krnelson2]

Hey Dave, it looks like you're not reading my posts man.

 

I am NOT going to cave in and contact her because of her activity on and off her facebook account. It's a test of will here. I am liking the fact that I am strong enough NOT to cave in right now and go in prematurely, even in the face of fear of losing her forever.

 

There you have it...You ARE NOT GOING TO CAVE IN...You said it yourself. You are absolutely right..It IS a test of will...And the fact that you are liking you as a stronger person says a ton.

 

Put this behing you and learn to love yourself. Not just tolerate yourself but LOVE yourself. She isnt there to love you anymore so someone has to do it. Who better than you. Forget about your threads and what others are saying this is about you my friend...If you want help from us we are here...We want nothing more than for you to stop hurting, but it starts with YOU. We wouldnt be very good friends if we told you what you want to hear would we?

 

NOOOOOO.

 

The truth hurts!!! But you have your whole life to look forward to why not start today. You have been doing all the right things:

 

1. Getting professional help

2. Not contacting her

3. Giving her space

4. Not showing her your emotions

 

Now just let go of those last few things and your life will begin to shine, TRUST ME...

 

Give it some time and when you feel that you are a better and different person then get a hold of her and talk to her. SHOW her you have changed, its says a lot more than just telling her that.

 

So many people think that NC has to be forever and that you will never talk to you ex again. Its not like that though. You hold the power. When you feel that you can take any news from her then contact her but not until then. You have a lot of work to do on yourself, but so does she. Let her find out who she is and what she wants. You cant do that for her. All you can do right now is show her what she doesnt want.

 

You are getting there and by reading your posts you are progressing quickly, dont let it be too fast though. Take the time to heal properly, you will be better for it.

 

If she is dating someone else or does soon, its her loss she hasnt taken the time to heal and she will feel the pain later on.

 

Stay strong, get stronger, and love yourself!!

 

-KR

[GoingForIt_77]

krnelson2,

 

We didn't live together. We were going to find a place together in June, BUT, she slept here every night and I see her in my kitchen. I see her in my den. I see her in my bathroom and in my bedroom and in the hall. I see US sitting there and laughing. She doesn't have those physical reminders as I do. She has the memory of my (our) appartment and the times we had in it, but I am faced with it on a daily basis...

 

Nevertheless, NC DOES really make us miss them more, not less. Sure, it makes us stronger, but it also makes us realize what went wrong, why it went wrong and how much we love and miss them (the good)..

 

If it weren't for my issues, she would never have had to force herself to leave and this is what kills the most..

 

She just couldn't see past the hurt and probably because it was TOO overwhelming. I wonder what I represented to her during those few days POST breakup when we were sustaining LC and HOW that if it is at all has changing since Monday? Do you think that me staying away now WILL allow her to get over me quicker, or the mere fact that I have now removed myself as well, that she will only NOW begin to feel the true loss of ME and the good? Is this what makes them reconsider and makes them MORE open to believing that we really could kick the habit that drove them away???

[ImThatGirl]

I don't have time to read all pages!

 

BUT PLEASE DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT!!!!!!

 

I often think to myself......

 

When we give in to temptation of reaching out to someone that is emotionally unavailable, we get quick rejection. The more we reach out, the more rejection we feel and the harder it is to gain calmness and stability.

 

Please, just let it be for now. I know huge rejection hurts but seriously, isn't it better than day in day out rejections?

 

Let time pass. Heal yourself. Let her heal. Don't contact her, don't contact her, don't contact her.

 

What are your plans for the weekend? Make a rule for yourself. No accessing facebook. AT ALL this weekend. Your rocking your own boat by giving into temptations to check up on her. You can get through this.....!

[krnelson2]

GFI- No NC will not make her move on any more quickly. The only thing that will do that is if you start to push her away through contact and showing her your feelings and that you are in a weak state right now. Either way she will make up her mind on her own, not because of your actions. But NC will definitely make her take a step back and think about things.

 

But thats not what its for anyway, its for YOU man. NOT HER!! Do it for yourself. If you want her back then let her go. It may be for good so you have to get to the point where you are fine with that too.

 

-KR

[GoingForIt_77]

Will she really be able to think about things if she is a madwoman on facebook and making plans every night of the week? It seems like she is running away from her feelings and chooing NOT to deal with them. Is that possible, or is she just fooling herself thinking that her "distractions" will make her stop thinking?? I know that my distraction help in the interim, but when they are not there, I think and I wonder if she's doing the same thing.

 

As much as she is not contacting me now and taking more interest in other people, then showing ANY concern about me, I will continue to STILL respect her space.

[GoingForIt_77]

We both have things of each other and I know that a week ago she wanted to make the exchange, but since her and I spoke on Monday and when she told me she needs "a little bit of space" the issue of doing the exchange has NOT been brought up by her, seeing there has been NO CONTACT at all since Monday and yes, I am proud that I am still respecting her space, even in the face of this adversity. She must know this and see this, which means that contact will occur at some point. It could be she is waiting to meet someone else and be over me before she re-initiates contact, otherwise it may be too hard on her. It could also be that she may feel that it is no longer important to reclaim her stuff (I don't believe that though, seeing she has stuff of mine as well), OR, it could be that she just isn't READY to deal with that just now and is waiting to see HOW much I can respect her request for space and will go from there at that point. Thoughts???

[lady00]

I think she has not asked for her stuff back yet because she doesn't want to see you right now...she might be worried that it would set her back in the healing process. Maybe she is just not spending as much time thinking about it as you are or maybe she is purposefully avoiding dealing with it. Whatever the reason, it's her choice and it's probably best to let her initiate the exchange. She's uncomfortable around you at the moment so it's best to wait until she's ready to make the exchange. It's been less than a week of NC and she probably needs a while longer.

 

I strongly urge you to stop checking her facebook profile. It's hurting you so much. I think in the early stages of a breakup, you need to take baby steps. NC is for you...and NC includes not looking your ex up online so that you can avoid feeling hurt. First off, facebook and myspace and unreliable as ways of finding out if your ex is moving on or not. Trust me, I once accused an ex of dating someone else only a few days after we broke up based on photos I saw of him and a girl on facebook. I say "accused" because I confronted him as if he was doing something wrong when he was just hanging out, making new friends and enjoying his newly single status. AND, it turns out I was completely wrong! He wasn't dating that girl after all, or anyone else for that matter. I hung out with him recently and he was flirting like crazy but I wasn't biting cause I was so over it. It felt great knowing that only months earlier I was checking his facebook account religiously hoping to figure out if he was dating others.

 

So I can tell you from experience, checking your ex's facebook account a ton is , yes, obsessive (I'm not judging you by using this word, so please don't take offense...I did the EXACT same thing with my most recent ex...I checked his facebook constantly and it drove me nuts and yes I do consider my actions at the time to have been obsessive). It's also not helping you heal. Right after a breakup, you need to remove the sources of pain and that means removing your ex from your life, at least temporarily. I am now friends with that guy but I don't talk to him that often. When I do, it's nice and I enjoy the friendship but I've moved on and I'm dating someone who is a much better match for me.

 

Stop checking up on her online and give yourself some time to heal. Continue NC as you have been doing (you're doing great...you've got several days under your belt already which is huge and so hard to do right after a breakup) How about taking a break from facebook and myspace for a while altogether? You can take it as an opportunity to call up your friends or hang out with them in person instead of talking to them via facebook. Good luck!

[GoingForIt_77]

I'm actually not even on facebook. I just have a silly dummy account with a few of her friends on there and through there account I access my ex's.

 

You said it yourself, how it's not even yet been a week (4 days actually) of NC and that's what's amazing. In those 4 days, she has accumulated a list 0f 350 people and IS asking out both girls and guys...

 

I look on there to see where she is at in herself (her updated status comments being left at 2:30am, etc...) and of course the men she's meeting or RECONNECTING with now that she's single again and asking them out...

 

This can't be easy for the either of us..

 

You know, last night when saw her ask one of the guys out on her list (she left him a comment on his wall (page), I thought to myself that I had enough and was going to call her up and let her know that I KNOW about her account and what she's doing (as innocent as it may be) and tell her that I want my stuff back,

 

BUT something stopped me from doing that. I thought to myself, that's what the Dan she was forced to leave would have done and so WHY would I do the same thing that made her have to leave and what would validate to her that she was right in having done so?

 

I see it as she is AWARE that her stuff are here and my stuff are there and we spoke about it 8 days ago. I know that things changed on Monday when she requested to have have a little space, but I don't see this space going on indefinitely. HOWEVER, if time does go by (weeks) and she does not reach out to make arrangements with me, after having seen me respect her wishes of having space, then I will have no choice but to call her up and make the arrangements with her. Everything seems so much up in the air and so much in HER hands and I DO understand that.

 

The last thing I want to do is pressure her at this point over stuff that will be exchanged at one point or another anyways. IT could be she's not dealing with it right now because she's not sure about things fully. I don't know...

[lady00]

HOWEVER, if time does go by (weeks) and she does not reach out to make arrangements with me, after having seen me respect her wishes of having space, then I will have no choice but to call her up and make the arrangements with her. Everything seems so much up in the air and so much in HER hands and I DO understand that.

 

The last thing I want to do is pressure her at this point over stuff that will be exchanged at one point or another anyways. IT could be she's not dealing with it right now because she's not sure about things fully. I don't know...

 

Why would you have no choice but to call her up and arrange the exchange? Do you really need the stuff or will you simply be itching to see her? You said "after having seen me repect her wishes of having space," in a way that suggests to me that you expect her to contact you at some point as a reward for respecting her space...but that's not the way to think about it...you should be giving her space because it's the right thing to do, not because you hope she will reward you with contact. Forgive me if I'm wrong, it's hard to tell what people mean or their tone from just reading a post. Also, if it's not essential that you get the stuff back, you might just want to drop it unless she comes to you asking for her stuff back, in which case you can set up the exhcange.

 

I have to say, I doubt she's keeping your stuff because she isn't sure about her decision. I only say this cause I've seen so many people in a similar position to you who hope that their ex doesn't want to exchange stuff because they are not sure about their decision to break up but usually that's not the case. Your situation, could be different, but I have to stress that I think erring on the side of not thinking that she is keeping the stuff in hopes of reconciling is probably best. Why do I say this? Well, I think you should assume that she won't come back because if you don't and she doesn't you'll continue to feel upset and disappointed with no end in sight. If on the other hand you assume she isn't coming back and act accordingly then if she does come back, it will be a pleasant surprise.

 

Also, I am wondering...why do you have a dummy account? Why not delete it if you're not really using it? That will keep you from looking at your ex's profile.

[GoingForIt_77]

I'll clarify.

 

I most definitely do not believe that she will reward me with contact if I continue to respect her wish for a little bit of space. I don't believe that is on her agenda and I most assuredly am not givnig her space just so that she will initiate on her own. She just won't.

 

I am not clinging or holding onto our respective possessions as a means to have one more contact. In fact, the exchange of our things is the "last resort".

 

I would much prefer to have a communication with her in the not too distant future that has nothing at all to do with our respective things...

 

It was HER who told me that she would like her things back (CD player/discman, Leather boots, earings, 2 videos of the family that belong to her grandmother, tupperware, DVD's and some other "private stuff" and perhaps pictures she had given me). As for what she has of mine, well, movies, books, clothes, etc...

 

She had written me last Thursday when she said that she would be open to having limited contact with me via email for now and she would email me about exchanging our stuff for early next week (which has come and gone). Granted, we spoke (I called her) on Monday and she told me she needs a little space. Space for what? I'm not sure anymore to be honest..

 

So yeah, it's not something to now be blown off. I doubt she forgot about it, but what I do believe is that she IS expecting me to contact her again, because that was what was discussed on Monday between us. I asked her if it was okay if I contact her in a bit, to keep her involved in my progress and to see how she's doing and she told me she can't promise me anything (if she'd be receptive or even respond) then or ever.. She just didn't know, but she didn't say NOT to try and SO, I believe that she is waiting for that contact to occur, for her to bring up the issue of our possessions.

 

Perhaps, the longer I wait, she may on her own initiate contact for the sole purpose of asking for her stuff back and vice versa, but I see her as thinking that would be a low thing to do, to only contact me for that reason alone and SO, it could be she's trying to move on so that when it comes time to exchange our stuff, it will no longer hurt her as much to see me as it would now.

 

Again, I don't know though

[lady00]

[quote=GoingForIt_77;1412977

 

I see her as thinking that would be a low thing to do, to only contact me for that reason alone and SO, it could be she's trying to move on so that when it comes time to exchange our stuff, it will no longer hurt her as much to see me as it would.

 

Why would she think it's a low thing to do? What are you hoping will happen/what is your plan for when you exchange your stuff?

[GoingForIt_77]

I don't have ANY plans for anything at all. What I mean is that her just out of the blue like in a week or two contacting me about wanting to exchange our stuff just doesn't seem like something she would do.

 

Why? Well, it's the way she left me. She completely walked out of my life, ceased all contact from the start (pretty much), aggressively tried to pursue a single life and connect with people (pretty much right away), took NO concern or interest in ANYTHING to do with my life, or who she just left behind, demonstrating perhaps that she didn't value me as a person at all, seeing she wanted absolutely NO reminder of me, to out of the blue contacting me to ask for her stuff back.

 

I would just see that as her not caring about me, but just about her material possessions.

 

I do feel like I have been cut out like a cancer and am trying to be replaced quickly, which makes me feel pretty much used, deceived and worthless.

 

I KNOW she is hurting now, or was, or still is. I don't KNOW, but I am NOT requesting to have my stuff back just yet, because I do take her request to have a little space seriously and SO, I am waiting to discuss the exchange of our possessions, but I don't want to wait forever either.. That's how I feel.

[lady00]

It must suck to feel "used, deceived, and worthless." You've gotta stop thinking like that. It won't help you and honestly, I don't think that is what she intends you to feel but I also do think she is putting her feelings first, as she should. You should do the same. But don't take it as her saying that you're worthless and really she hasn't deceived you at all. She really did love you. Just because she doesn't want you in her life right now doesn't mean she ever deceived you. And used? Why? Nothing you have described of her behavior seems like she has used you. You said she had a hard time letting you go. It's not like she got together with you, used you, then left when she had her fill...cutting you out of the picture for now is helping her heal and move on. It's not about her not valuing you either (she clearly did or she wouldn't have been with you in the first place). I can sense you're starting to feel angry at her for rejecting you because you say she undervalued you and you feel used. It's natural for you to be angry at someone for rejecting you but try not to let it overwhelm you and know that she's not trying to hurt you, she's just doing what's best for her. Exes can be a lot meaner than yours...in fact she's been nothing but super nice to you since the breakup from what I gather.

You are not worthless. Try to stop telling yourself that. Yes, her leaving had to do with the way that you acted but it's not like you're a defective person. You're someone who made mistakes and is trying to change. Give yourself some credit.

[GoingForIt_77]

You know, your words are sweet and remind me SOOO much of how she always used to talk to me. She never let me put myself down and always stood up for me and I miss her SOOO much right now..

 

You know, she couldn't be with me for very real reasons and I am correcting those very things right now and me respecting her space right now is my way of starting to show her through actions that I am FOR REAL and nothing about my love for her wasn't real or sincere..

 

I hope she can see this now that I am staying away after our last conversation. I hope she can.

 

It does feel like I lost my best friend over night. We were in it together. We just were there for each other and we were getting stronger, but I was too tough on her "at times".

 

Anyways, I know how other ex's have been with me. How catty they could have been, but then again, I used to push my ex's post-break-up to the brink. I did NOT back down EVER. I would beg, plead and when that didn't work, I would resort to name calling (whatever it took), just so that I would get the last word in and MAKE sure that the last nail was securely in that coffin.

 

It is so different with her though. I never want to hurt her ever again. I did NOT get mad at her once since last Wednesday for leaving me. I did NOT once try and stand in her way. I have been gentle, kind, sympathetic and remorseful since the moment she left me and now, I am respecting her space.

 

In a lot of ways, I am still proving my love to her and I miss her and yes, it has to hurt a little less so that when I do feel the time is right to initiate contact, that she will not only have seen me having respected her space for as long as I had, but she will also sense the changes in me and I HOPE that her FEAR can diminish. Oh how I wish it can diminish...

[TWIS7ER]

I have a question for you? Lets say that you keep doing the NC thing and still continue to view her facebook, then down the road you all decide to get back together again. Isn't questions still going to be going through your mind and don't you think you will more than likely let curiosity get the best of you and you will then question her about it, then your back in the same spot your in now?

[GoingForIt_77]

If it progressed back to the stage where we are talking and she starts trusting me again as a friend and then maybe is ready for more, if she already doesn't have a new man by that point, well, I will only at THAT point be honest with her about her account and not tell her to get rid of it, but to tell her that I AM aware of it and let her do what she feels is right.

 

Anyways, I'm a long way from there.

 

As it stands, I am NOT looking at it tonight. I do not want it ruining my night. I already know that she has plans pretty much every night here on out for the next like 2 weeks, with both girls and guys of whom SHE initiated the invite on her own.

 

Anyways, tonight I am not checking her status, or the comments on her wall. Tonight is a night for MEEEEEE.

[GoingForIt_77]

And I'll tell you man, THAT isn't a easy thing to do. It's taking ALL the willpower I can muster. I was sick over it last night. Tonight I want to be able to rest without having checked it.

 

That's why I am on here and not on there!

[TWIS7ER]

Stay strong man-thats all you can do.