GF gone home / EX BF is there !

[gooseBumps]

Hi,

 

I have been seeing this girl for about a year now. We both are in love. We started casually, but it grew into love. We have been living together for a year now. She has had 3 ex bfs and all were quite serious relationships. Now she has gone to her parents for a month and this weekend her ex has flown down to meet her over the weeked. They both are friends now , thats what she says and she also says that hes not totally over her. Flying down to see an ex and he was also planngin to pay for her tickets to come down to his place. Thats definitely not a good sign from his side. She is totally over him, and I know that. But I cant help from thinking about him goin to meet her. I just hate that guy to my roots. Thats natural. She knows that this worries me and she asked me many times not to think about it and not to worry about it. She does care for me. But, its just that guy. I dont trust that guy. What if they go out drinking and he starts mis-behaving ? u know what i mean... that he gets all sentimental n all..my gf dumped him...they were in LDR that didnt work. And she dumped him coz she wanted to be with me. She wants to be friends with this guy coz hes an ex bf. I cant ask her not to be friends. She'll be back next weekend. I know she wont cheat on me or anything like that, coz we are very close.

 

But how do I deal with this Ex-BF ? Should I call him ? that will upset my gf, coz hes her friend now. Should I threaten him ? And this meetup of theirs is just this time. After this , she'll be here and he'll be thousands of miles apart. He was in US sometime back and was willing to pay for her tickets for her to travel and meet him. I found that outrageous. I wouldnt do that for a "friend". What do I do with this guy ? I have gone through her emailsm he hasnt said hes still in love with her , just once he mentioned that he misses her.

[Heretic]

Hey gooseBumps!

 

First off welcome to eNotAlone! I can completely understand your anxiety as my ex's all ran off to see their ex's occasionally. At first this really bothered me but then I realized it's nothing to worry about.

 

Here's the thing. I never trusted any of ex's ex's but that's not what mattered. If you trust your gf then trust she won't let anything happen. She's not stupid and she's not going to just give in to pressure. If anything that kind of pressure will ensure she won't ever want to see this guys again. Women are turned off by a guy who can't take a hint. If he tries to pull some stunt it'll be the last one he'll pull with her, ever.

 

I hope this helps.

[gooseBumps]

yes ! you are right. That guy is not "totally" in love with her. Just once he mentioned that he misses her a lot. Thats it. Not his fault. So, I dont think he would pull off a trick with her. He once called late night on her phone , and I picked it up. She woke up and snatched the phone from me (knowing its him) and hung up. She wants me to be away from this guy ? why ? Once, she was drunk and said, I dont know what Iam gonna do when I see him. What does that mean? She dumped him, my guess is shes feeling guilty at times for him, coz she dumped him for me. Is that ok ? gr8 to find some support and tips here ! keep it up !

[gooseBumps]

When we started dating, after a 3-4 months she did send emails to him with "love" in the end...could it be just a friendly love ? later she told me shes completely forgotten about him.

We have had some great sex together (dont know if I should mention), but I do have a question. She had never had better sex than me before. She has told me many times that Iam the best sex she has ever had (always right after we did it)...Iam assuming her ex were all lousy fellas...now does this kind of bonding really help in a relationship ? She had also never experienced orgasms, I gave her plenty, almost every time. Do things like this strengthen a relationship ?

[Follow Me]

End this. Now. You most certainly can ask her to stop being friends with him. He obviously wants to be more than a friend if he is paying for her to see him. They will be staying together? If this were me, I would threaten to break up with her if she didn't stop talking to him completely.

 

He once called late night on her phone , and I picked it up. She woke up and snatched the phone from me (knowing its him) and hung up.

Big red flag.

 

Once, she was drunk and said, I dont know what Iam gonna do when I see him.

Another one.

 

Don't threaten him, he's not the problem. Threaten to leave her if she doesn't stop. Don't let her visit him, and don't let her talk to him. If she can't stop doing this then that says something about her relationship with him.

[Maverick32x]

Well, you don't have much other choices than to trust her....... and defintely don't confront the guy, if they are friends, its not your place at all to say anything...

 

As for the "best sex she ever had" I wouldn't really put alot of confidence in that..... People say that sort of stuff all the time to make their partner feel good..... (I assume at least, or maybe I am some sort of sex GOD.... I'll get back to you on that.....)

 

oh ya, for the real advice, those are alot of red flags.. if you are feeling aprehensive that is NOT normal..... I dont know what else to really say.. its up to you... keep in mind that no trust = no relationship (or atleast a really short one)

[gooseBumps]

well, she most certainly says with a lot of confidence a LOT of times that its just me and her. and we have had this conversation many times. She sees that I get affected with all this and then she asks me to not to think about it as there is nothing to think about. And she has said this many times. So, there certainly is trust between us. As for the drunk part, people do say a lot of things when they are drunk and I asked her about it and she said she didnt mean anything by that. She might be feeling guilty becasue she dumped him. When he was gonna pay for her tickets she stayed back because I told her I didnt like it. Now she is away from me and I didnt feel like reminding her and she said that if she and I broke up , wouldnt I wanna we meet and hang out even if we broke up a year back ? She does sound very rational. Anyways, hes there for 2 days and she gets back next weekend. Although, Iam gonna talk to her about this.

 

Should I just tell her that Iam not ok with her meeting up with her ex ? I have, but she has talked her way out. she wont lie to me, I know that. We are happy together. Should I try and break the ice with her ex ? Like a friendly email ?

[gooseBumps]

I am just gonna wait till she meets up with him. They are not staying together or anything, she is at her parents and hes in a hotel. I am gonna ask how did it go ? And , do you think he still thinks about you ? If yes, I am gonna ask her to drop all this. I have asked her not to go out partyin with him coz I dont trust that guy and she said she wont.

 

One more thing. I have gone through her chats and emails with him. Nothing. Plain friendly talk. Just once he said "I miss you" and she said "u do ? I didnt think so after all this time, it wasnt our time. Maybe we'll get lucky someother time". I dont know what the last line meant. We are not totally committed to the extent of marrying. But we do love each other. I have discussed all this with her and she has always come up with rational way of looking at it. "I was once in a relationship with him, we are friends now and he wants to meet me." She doesnt wanna go through the pain of travelling and meeting him , but he surely does. For now, Iam just trusting her. Adios.

[gooseBumps]

hello folks ! well, I called her up, she misses me and said she loves me ...and was worried that I'd be thinkin about her meeting with that guy..and she was with him and some other friends at a mall...so its not bad at all .. just waiting for this weekend to get over and that idiot to go away from her ;-)

[Maverick32x]

good luck, it sounds like you'll be able to make it through this!!!

[Rabican]

My my my, how often this scenario goes around. Ill say what I always say, because it might as well be the word of god for how right I am.

 

Its not ok, for your GF to be hanging out alone with an ex, especially one that is not over her. I wont do the whole ex thing period. Ill simply say, you want to see the ex so bad, invite him over while Im around. IF he wants more privacy than that... he can take a hike. Or I will, your choice.

 

Go a step farther, and he still has feelings.

They are in a different town.

Hes travelling to see her.

All of that spells BAD SITUATION to me.

 

I would tell her how you feel. That you are simply not ok with him coming to visit, however you may be ok with them still being friends... just not in a 'hanging out alone, sleeping over, travelling to see each other' type of friendship. What does she say to this? She has two options. She can make the necessary accommodations to make you COMFORTABLE with the situation. Or she can feed you a load of crap, saying you shouldnt worry, you can trust me, blah blah blah. Let me explain something. YOU tell her how you feel, and how you will feel, and how you should feel. She tells you how she feels, how she should feel. She doesnt tell YOU how to feel. Thats her way of turning the situation around on you, and getting around fixing what really needs fixed.

 

If I was handed option two, where the situation was unresolved, or I was left feeling uncomfortable about it, Id walk.