Is This Normal Behavior on Her Part?

[GoingForIt_77]

How can you assume that I don't feel that I've done anything wrong??? Are you not reading what I'm saying??? I am in therapy. I HATE myself for what I did. Do NOT judge me and DON'T tell me what to do: MOVE ON. I will do what I want to do, without imposing myself on her. I have learned from that.

[Dako]

GIF,

 

I can only draw upon my own experiences to try to emphatize.

 

This morning I talked to my ex-wife and had a good chat. We're good friends and care for each other.

 

Over a year ago, she left me after 27 years.

I gave her the freedom she wanted without question, because of love.

She accidently left her journal on the desk when she left, and I never opened it, out of respect. I never begged or tried to change her mind.

It was no easy matter.

 

I'm trying to say that I understand how painful it is to let go of someone.

Sure, you need to get your stuff and settle things, but all of your posts are obviously about keeping her in your life.

 

She wants to date others, and you feel a need to explain it away.

It's painful to see you suffer like this. We aren't heartless.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Maybe she felt she had to keep it secret because of the way you acted toward her and her friends. Did you expect to be with her if she went out with friends?

[jazzykat]

GFI -I am really not trying to be cruel, and I resent you saying that.

Nor am I responsible for your depression.

 

I am not trying to be harsh either.

 

I am just trying to point out to you what I (& a lot of other posters) are reading from your exes behaviour/what she has said in IM conversations.

 

I was also trying to point out that it is not very loving behaviour on both your parts....

Maybe I have been more blunt -sorry - but you keep on insisting that she wants to be with you, when her actions clearly say she doesn't.

 

I can appreciate that you are hurting, and that you feel remorseful that you have treated her badly, but she wants you to let go.

 

Even if she hasn't moved on, she is trying to.

 

I think it is great that you are getting therapy, I really do.

It shows a maturity on your part, that you are owning up to the way you treated her -and are doing something positive to change.

 

Nearly everyone on this board is advising you to leave her be.

-And so far you are doing that -great again..

But, do you think that looking at her My Space Page is doing you any good?

How can you heal if you are doing that?

 

You asked if she has moved on in a week? -who knows? -but it looks like she is trying to.... maybe that's what you should focus on?

 

I truly believe that you will get yourself better..

But as for this relationship... maybe there is too much water under the bridge -too much damage done.

 

I realise this is the last thing you are probably wanting to think about now -but maybe you are more suited to a different kind of partner...?

When you are better, I believe you will find that person.

[GoingForIt_77]

Dako,

 

My man, I am honest with you that I NEVER once begged her to stay, or tried to change her mind..

 

She isn't necessarily trying to date other guys. She is making plans with both girls and guys. I don't think she even sees a difference just yet. She needs friends to go out with and have fun and forget about the hurt, but again, this MAY not necessarily mean that she will forget about me in the process...

 

I will not force her to stay in my life. So far, I have done nothing of the sort and am proud of myself that I have stayed strong and am respecting her now and yes, even though I know about her facebook account, I am NOT confronting her on it as I may have in the past (together or not) and I see that as an improvement in me controlling my emotions, which I had a really hard time doing in the past.

[GoingForIt_77]

Maybe I am more suited to a different type of partner. It is possible, but how would things be different if I would have just allowed things to be with her and allowed myself to let in her love, without pushing it away, by questioning it? That is why I am seeking help. I think we are great together, when I don't let my fears/insecurities/doubts RULE me. That is why she is away from me right now.

 

It's only been a week. If there were real feelings there, she won't have moved on so quick. That doesn't mean she is not trying to, but again, I will not stop her either way.

 

When I do call her eventuallly (whenever that may be) and NO, that call cannot be made because of my fear of losing her to another man. It will be made when I am more at ease in myself. If she is receptive, GREAT. Either way, I will be myself and that's all I can be from this point forward. You see, I lost me somewhere along the line. Not in her, but in myself...

 

I don't want to rush in calling her for her stuff. I don't want THAT to be the reason to initiate contact.

[lunatic]

The obvious???? and I am disturbed????

 

WHERE ARE THE MODERATORS HERE????

 

I will not stand being verbally abused when I came here for comfort!!!

 

If you have nothing nice and compassionate to say, please stay off my thread, because you have NO idea how hurtful your incensitive words are!!!

 

Hello we are here watching your posts. I will be honest with you. Although the posts were "critical" of you intentions they never disrespected you. It seems like they gave you advice you "DID" not want to hear.

 

Now to add my own spin on things. I too abused (physically and verbally) a partner when I was 18. I grabbed her twice in three years we dated. I tried to stop her so we could talk about the issues that caused the fight instead of letting her go. I said mean and derrogatory things to her and about her. I would not let her see her friends and I really did not like them in the first place. I pulled a bb gun on her once when I was drunk and no it was not loaded. I hated myself for all those things I did to her. I still shudder to think that "I DID THAT" to this day and that was half a lifetime ago for me. I worked on me for three years after that relationship ended. I did not date or anything with a woman for that entire stretch. I found that I too lost a piece of me and she was a toxic relationship. I loved that woman more than anyone I have ever known. To this day I still think about her and wish I could have acted more "normal". You have to forgive yourself and promise that the abuse will NEVER happen again. I find it is easier to walk away today then talk about things while I am mad. I go cool off then I will go back to talk like two grown adults.

 

Listen up and listen well. YOU MUST RESPECT HER WISHES HERE! That is that. What I mean is NO SNOOPING, Calling, TXTing, Email, or any form of contact. If you love her you will stop and desist all contact till she is ready to get her stuff back.

 

It is time for you to look at yourself and find that piece you lost over the time you two were together. Go out with friends and make sure to keep youself busy. Start moving on even though you DON'T WANT TO. You have some things to deal with and try to fix about yourself. You are already on the way there. Let her go and if it were meant to be she will be back. Remember the old saying "If you love them let them go, if they come back it was meant to be"

 

If you need more advice from someone who dealt with anger issues then PM me.

[GoingForIt_77]

I pm'd you the same thing:

 

You know I never had any anger issues before being with her. I was usually the submissive one in the relationships who was weak and would be afraid of confrontation. I reversed that when with her, because from day one, she said she would never fight back, seeing she had been abused her whole life by those who were supposed to love her.

 

My heart went out to her from day one. In many ways I gave her confidence to stand up for herself, but at the same time, I took advantage of the situation at times and her as well in the process..

 

Since last Wednesday (the breakup) I have not begged, pleaded with her, or tried to convince her to come back to me. I was supportive, understanding, VERY apologetic and declared that I am seeking professional help, of which I am...

 

As of our conversation on Monday, whereby she asked me to give her a little space, I HAVE been. Yes, finding out about her aggressive activity on facebook has made it harder to stay silent and keep away, in fear that I will lose ALL chance of having any contact, but I also know that it's my fears and lack of control over my emotions (acting on impulse) that has gotten me in trouble in the first place.

[HellFrost666]

In many ways I gave her confidence to stand up for herself

 

My girlfriend's ex used to say the same thing. He thought abusing her was somehow making her a stronger person. And it seems you think that too. It is not making her stronger. She is not thinking "Wow, I have such confidence to stand up for myself!" She is thinking "Wow, I am worthless."

 

You were not helping her.

[GoingForIt_77]

No, I don't claim it made her stronger. It weakened her. Please don't make me feel I believe otherwise. I know that it was wrong.

[HellFrost666]

I do give you credit for admitting your fault in the situations, as most people would rather just sit back and blame the other person.

[GoingForIt_77]

That's not me. I used to be like that Hell. I have true remorse and nothing of what I am doing now is selfish. My giving her space and not trying to convince her to come back to me is me showing her that I DO love her and DO understand how she feels and that I respect her and that I am sorry...

 

I know that I will eventually contact her, but I need for both of us to breathe now. When I do contact her, it will NOT be the standard ME talking about MY feelings and how I have CHANGED. No way. I will just be real and gauge to see where she is at in herself, without having to ask her..

 

If she is not ready to talk to me, I will not argue with her..

 

Space is what she asked for and space is what I am giving her and myself in the process. I need to grow stronger from this forced space and more sure of myself and learn to gain control over MY actions and reactions and NOT over her. That's not what this is about anylonger.